Sleepless Night #One too many

So many thoughts
rushing through my mind

I'm tired
I can't sleep
I miss you
I'm sad
I could really use a damn hug
and
what the hell
am I doing with my life

I just want to feel loved
so then why
do I feel so alone?

Standing Still

I keep reliving the moment

I found out

over 

and over again

Like a reoccurring dream

or rather,

nightmare.

My legs going limp

under the weight 

of my own body.  

My mind going blank

because the news

is too much to bear.

 "I never knew

that grief 

felt so much

like fear."

And I am terrified.

Scared half to death

that in your passing

my whole world

will crumble too.

Scared half to death

that the pain 

will be too much

for my parents 

that the guilt

of past regrets

will eat me alive

that the grief

will consume me

Because it's supposed to get easier with time

So why am I stuck 

standing still?

The Cold World

She sits

silent

watching

the leaves have all fallen

the snow has fallen too

She sits

staring 

out of her window

wondering 

thinking

remembering.

She sits

wrapped-up

cozy in her thick, 

flannel blanket.

Her world

is in a lull 

Not sure 

where she's going

from here

from anywhere.

Her future 

is uncertain 

Her past 

is a confusing blend

of the highest of highs

and the lowest of lows.

and just being alive

to see each day.

Her children

truly love her.

Her husband

adores her.

But still

she has a hole

in her heart.

An ache 

that pulls

at her soul.

She sits

looking

quietly 

out into the cold world.

Snow drifting down slowly

The world turned white.

The world sitting still

as she sits

and looks

quietly out the window.  

Shattered.

My legs go numb.
My mind shuts down.
And the only word that I can say
Is no.
No. No. No. No. No.
You are wrong.
This isn't happening.
It is an awful mistake.
How could this happen?
This isn't happening.
None of this is real.
It is a terrible nightmare.
I will wake up.
This is not real.

And just like that
My world has been
Shattered.

Sleepless night number one million and five.

I NEVER WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN!

My thoughts are getting gloomier
and gloomier.

My eyes keep flickering open
as if by some great miracle
it's morning
and I slept through
the whole night.

Yeah, right.

YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN!

Hold up...
Maybe I will,
that might be an exaggeration.
I don't really know.
The sleeping pills have been helping
for now.

I hate taking pills.
I take so many these days.

One for allergies.
Two for my cold
Two for my migraine
One to be happy
and two
to sleep
sort of soundly.

My life is average.
If the average person
fakes a smile
and acts fine, just fine.

Which the average person does
so really,
it's not a big deal.
~
I like a lot of things
Like dreaming
and sleeping
napping
closing
my
eyes
and letting
everything go
somewhere far, far
away from here.

I am not special.
I never have been.
I am not some brand of beautiful
left undiscovered to mankind.
I dislike most of humanity
because let's be serious,
most people are assholes
and I'm tired of being someone I'm not.
I'm not the most athletic,
nor am I the most intelligent.
But I try to be my best.

I see a world
suffering from the worst illness of all:
the lack of faith.

The lack of believing
that there is a better tomorrow awaiting us
That the grief will one day be lifted
and that one day
We won't need pills
to make us happy.

We will only need
each other.

I only need you.

And so,

I closed my eyes

and let you see me

I let my guard down

and let you see the real me

-Who I really am

on the inside

I let you see the fucked up 

figure

that I would like to call myself

The bruises,

scratches,

scrapes and tears

that are all my own.  

I let you hear my darkest 

most twisted thoughts.

I let you see me at my lowest,

breaking point.

And so,
I closed my eyes
and let you see me.
And all that I am.
But when you see me?
Who do you see?
Do you see me?
Or someone else
completely?

Sink or Swim

My life is pretty confusing these days.

I don't know where I'm going
and why I'm going there.
I'm just going where the current takes me
and right now
it's taking me under.

I don't know if I should come up for air
or let myself drown.

I'm not scared.
I'm calm.
As if I've been waiting for this moment
all of my life.

Floating
or maybe sinking
Here
Water flowing through my hair.
Body trembling with fear
and confidence.

Where do I go from here?

Goodbye

It must be a curse...
or something.
The hand that our family has been dealt
to suffer
in this eternal spiral of grief.

Aged by their burden-
two children
now immortal
beyond Heaven's doors
once very much animated
in our world's
beautiful, yet dangerous,
light.

But life has moved on
despite their best wishes
to stay frozen in that moment,
or the moments before.

Twenty years later
Twenty years
that can never be erased
Never be undone.

Never a chance to go back
and change last words
to say a proper goodbye.

But what would you do,
if you were told to say
Goodbye

There's this thought
haunting me
A shadow
in my dreams
a demon
threatening to destroy me

You can close your eyes
Hell,
You can even fake a smile.

But there's no running from myself
As I sit in a quiet denial.

"Imagine everything you ever wanted shows up one day and calls itself your life. And then just when you start to believe in it - gone. And suddenly it gets very hard to imagine a future. That's depression, right?"

Tired
and in your arms.
Exactly where I want to be
This moment,
I don't want to leave.

My Father's Eyes

The world sits still in these brief moments

As the sun rises up above the horizon

Slowly, 

gently

Waking the sleeping world.

He sits quietly,

watching life be restored

to all the hiding creatures.

In these moments

he sees a life he once knew

so well

He sees his own childish wonders

that, not so long ago,

began to fade out

as the years bore down on him.

Alone in his travels,

he often thinks of the one he has lost

holding a picture between his thumbs

whispering quiet prayers to a God 

he's not sure he can trust anymore

asking for a sign

asking to speak to him again

for a second chance  

He thinks of how the years flown by

How grown his once young children now are

The grand house, that once housed them all,

is near empty.  

Memories, 

Like ghosts,

Play on repeat 

throughout his house,

throughout his mind.

The old photos,

big smiles,

and still life laughs

He closes his eyes

takes a big breath,

and releases an even bigger sigh

The love in his heart 

aches.

But as morning turns to evening,

and he comes home to his beautiful wife,

and the youngest of his children,

He is reminded of how blessed he is to be here.

The pictures of his older children 

living the life he helped to prepare them for

The love he feels in his heart

when saying goodbye on the phone

not knowing when they will see each other 

next.

But knowing that he is loved.

Knowing that his effort was not in vain

The world sits still in these brief moments

As the sun rises up above the horizon

Slowly, 

gently

Waking the sleeping world.

He closes his eyes,

momentarily.

Takes a deep breath,

Opens his eyes,

and continues forward.

I want more than this.

I want more than lying awake at night,
scared.
Contemplating if I should lock the doors
or if it's all just a dream and I'm fine.

Thinking of every regret,
every mistake,
and who I have left to apologize to
or to thank

Nights like these when I wish
I could tune it all out
and just sleep

Just drift off
into
Neverland

And never come back.

Beyond the awful reality
that at some point or another
you're going to lose
someone whom you love,
and perhaps,
someone whom you love
most of all.

Beyond the guilty thoughts
that maybe it should have been me instead

It's 12:41 p.m.
The wind chimes
are softly singing
the light of midday
gentle, and calm
drifts with me
into a day dream

Identity

Every day without you is a reminder
of how we have survived your void.
Barely.

The holes in our hearts are gaping
but we have managed to patch them up
poorly,
but just enough to continue on.

To make the world
that much more beautiful
For you.

“But how can I learn to live in a world that doesn’t include my brother? All my life, I’ve always been my brother’s sister; it’s part of my identity, part of who I am. My brother is part of my past; we share a common history. And we had plans for the future.” 
― T.J. Wray

Finally found a quote that spoke specifically to me. Like CS Lewis says, death is like an amputation.  Losing my brother was like cutting away my own identity.  A few days before his passing, we had talked about him coming down to 'Bama to visit.  Talked about him checking out the air museum on base, and how he was excited to enlist, and maybe he could become a pilot one day like he had always dreamed.  We laughed about my recent visit with our grandparents, and his stories from the last few months.  Talked about what was  coming up for each of us.  Then my phone died, and I never got to say "Bye, love you."  The only time that I forgot (it's important to our family to say it) and then a couple days later, he was gone.

I've told this story a hundred times by now, but I still am in disbelief by how sudden death came and flipped our world upside-down.  Every Friday that it rains reminds me of when I heard the news.  Going numb in my legs.  Crying even though I knew it wouldn't change anything.  Writhing in bed when I was sobbing too hard to sleep and the pain was too much.  My husband having to leave shortly after the death and funeral for an Army training, and being alone to grieve (I was relieved to be alone truth be told).  Putting on a strong face when he came home to tell myself that I'm better than this.  Trying to survive each day, and sleep through the night.  The nights when I lie in bed thinking of who I still need to talk to, to tell whoever it is "I love you, and I'm proud of you." Thinking of those I've hurt and all my regrets.  While I keep telling my brain to shut up and let me rest.

Or the nights when the pain comes back, sharply stabbing into my heart (there's a physical pain associated by grief in case you didn't know, which is pretty interesting to think about).  My husband being asleep, and there's no one else awake to talk to.  Or the people who have never lost and try to give you advice, or tell you how to live.  Hiding from friends because you're too depressed to show your face.  Every date of significance, dreading someone mentioning him, but then again, dreading that they don't.

Seeing my parents in pain, and knowing that there's nothing we can do, as the remaining children, to fix the hurt in their heart.  The late night phone calls with sobbing on the other end, comforting my cousin.  Afraid to cry too, wanting to be strong and pick everyone else back up while some days... on the inside I feel like I'm the one dying.  Trying to avoid the subject with friends, or act casual when it's brought up.  Getting the weird looks with my calm approach.  Exploring my spirituality while walking blind in the dark, then turned away by the candle I thought was burning the brightest.

Only God can judge me. I cannot wait until the day we meet again.
You have made me numb,
You have made me crumble.
You have created a world
too cruel to live in.
Too beautiful
to live without.

Each moment without you reminds me
of our own mortality.

One day, my dear brother, we will meet again.

A God to Hope For

Loud shrieks
And heavy tears
That reveal only pain
Only the raw pain and sadness
Caused by losing
What once was loved so dearly

Now gone
Somewhere else distant
A Heaven to dream of
and a God to hope for.

I miss you beyond words.

“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I'm ready to open my eyes
to find you
to be glorified in the cleansing light
of love
of life.

I'm ready to wake up.

"If I only could make a deal with God"

Every Friday
Feels like the beginning


Like the stitches have been ripped out
and the skin pulled back
leaving the raw flesh
to burn in the fresh air

Every phone call from family
sends me back into shock
wondering who it is this time
that we've lost

Waking up,
feeling alive.
Knowing that
I have survived.

And the pain of that knowledge
rots me from the inside

When you left this world
you took a piece of all of us.

Never again
shall we feel complete.
Whole.

We struggle.
Wandering in the darkness
Running from the invisible monsters
that haunt our very dreams


We hope
for a better tomorrow.
No.
To see the other side.
To escape this world.

The only pain worse than losing,
is the pain of knowing
the greatness of what
you have lost.

Dreaming.

God,

I'm just lying here

waiting for you to save me.

Waiting for you to send me 

towards my awaiting dreams.

They are calling to me

whispering sweet nothings

into my drowsy ears

God,

You know what I'm looking for.

Who I'm hoping to see.

Please

Please let me sleep.

I need to sleep.

To dream.

"After the war we said we'd fight together
I guess we thought that's just what humans do
Letting darkness grow
As if we need its palette and we need its colour
But now I've seen it through
And now I know the truth

That anything could happen"

excerpt from Ellie Goulding's song Anything Could Happen

Beauty

I cannot help but ask you...

Do you see what I see?

A grey sky.

Slow pouring rain.
Watering the living green
trees as they wave in excitement
at the life source they so desperately need.

Lightning in the far off distance.
Not rolling in,
Waiting just far enough away
to let us know
Danger is on the horizon.

The wind is existent enough
to brush through the chimes.
Like a light in the darkness,
but rather a song of hope
during a desolate time.

A song of hope
to remind us
there is beauty
in even the darkest
of places.

As I drift into a new world

I wonder;

a last thought...

What things await me

in my darkest hour

Revival

Hush, child.

I know what you want.
Close your eyes.
It will all be over soon.
Close your beautiful eyes.
And trust
that it will all be over
so very soon.

Forget every hurt
Every regret
Misunderstanding
Heartache

Think of those moments
of sheer joy
affection and tender love
those fond memories
that you keep locked away
in the back of your mind
that you keep hidden for a rainy day
or at least,
that's what you tell yourself,
you haven't looked back on those
in a long, long while

Think of the moments
when you felt alive
when you felt that in that moment
that you could have died
and it would have meant
the world to you

Now open your eyes,
Child,
Awaken
For you have been
Revived.

Sleep

I can't sleep.

Or,
okay. I can.

If I call it insomnia
someone will tell me
that I'm uninformed
and with knowledge
I could fix myself.

You can't fix the guilt that keeps me up at night.
You can't fix the sadness that pours in like a flood
as soon as I'm alone in the dark.

And for all the praying that I've done
it doesn't change the fact
that I have my own regrets.

God,
or no god.

I have a past that I wish I could edit
take all the bad parts out
go back and say sorry
to everyone I hurt.

No,
I'm not a bad person.
But I can't help but feel that way
when I begin to close my eyes.

And when I do sleep,
I can't help but confront my demons
so I yell out in terror
and scream
some nights I cry.

I awake feeling even more tired than the night before.

I am not calling myself a victim,
nor am I trying to play that part.

But I am sad.
I do feel awfully alone.
And some nights I'm afraid to go to sleep
in fear of what I'll see behind closed eyes.

The truth of who I really am deep down
who I keep locked away.

Every good deed shattered
by each and every individual
poor choice,
wrong decision
misinterpreted word

So why don't I sleep soundly through the night?
I think you get the idea.

Innocence Lost (A snapshot in time)

And it was then that I realized what I hadn't for much too long.   He was dying long before I could even recognize what pain truly was.  The straight A student, shy and kind who suddenly came home angry late at night and would throw rocks at my window until I woke up to unlock the door for him.  The coming down from a high; the terror in his eyes.  How did I not see it before?

"At least he'll no longer be troubled by his demons."

Those demons killed the little boy he once was.  Childhood fear of growing up ate away at Peter Pan's heart until he escaped to Neverland.  What was it that led to the corruption of his once innocent soul?  What crept inside of his mind to torment him in his restless dreams?  That woke him in the dead of night with a bloodied nose, and teary eyes.  I'm sorry I didn't know how to save you.  

My peers talk about what they believe corrupts children, but they are too far detached.  I will tell you what corrupts them...

Fear. 

The monsters under the bed.  Ghosts in the forest. That in the darkness, demons lurk.

Slowly transforming into

The fear of not measuring up.  The fear of being shy in a class full of rambunctious children.  That the first impression may as well be your death sentence.  The fear of letting those who love you down. 

And then...

all those fears coming true.

Living in a nightmare.  Not knowing how to escape from no one but yourself.

And then,

Fearing who you turned into.

That is corruption my friends.  Corruption is being scared to make friends because if they knew who you really were, they would realize that you're a sick souled freak searching for something more than skin-deep acquaintances.  Just looking for someone who understands the pain that you can no longer escape.  Someone to share the burden of growing-up with.

Corruption is that sunk feeling in your chest, more specifically your heart, that you are doomed.  That shame lingering when in a room full of "saints" that you are incredibly naked.  The creeping thought that you would rather end it all here and now, because you can't take looking at yourself in the mirror.  You can't take the beauty of the world because you are not worthy.  

It is when you hide from those you love because you are ashamed of who you are.  

When you put on a mask of being fine just fine

when on the inside you are screaming that you want help.  

The fear of not being loved.  

It was then, sitting in a room full of acquaintances from church that I realized what I hadn't before.  And through my pain, I saw his own and asked myself, "How could I have been so blind?" 

Watching corruption, naturally leads to becoming corrupt.

And with my downfall, I should have realized his.

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

What No One Else Sees

I swallow hard
The dry lining of my throat
aches
with the rest of my body
as I stand
watching the rest of the world
move on.

Children laughing and playing
Friends talking and joking
The trees dancing in the wind
as the Earth continues
to rotate on her axis

The sun continues to rise
despite how often it sets.

But the empty feeling
in my chest
feels somewhat similar
to nausea
and dizziness

Anxious
that no one says a word
or worse
that someone does

The tears are just below the surface
and one word
will bring me over the edge.

You are not supposed to run
from yourself.
But each day
I throw that side of me
to the wayside
corner her
and tie her up
tell her to be quiet
and to leave me alone.

but
The shrieks break through the duct tape
more often than not

And I am left
listening to myself
looking at my mirror image
disappointed
by how I turned out.

Disappointed that I can't keep it together

I don't want you to understand
but more than anything else in the world
I do.

Someone who feels the pain
that burns
slowly
on the inside
while holding up a mask
on the outside
as if the pain is nothing
and each day
truly is a blessing.

I write words of hope
but I can hardly believe them
myself

Maybe
 if I say I do
for long enough
perhaps I will.

Perhaps we can overcome.

I  have cried
for much too long.

Hope

Yesterday is over.
And strange as it sounds
there is still hope for us
to continue on
no matter how deep
the pain is buried
in your sewn up chest

No matter how dark the day is
before the sun rises-
The sun will always rise
and welcome you
into a new day

No matter your suffering...
there is hope, Friend.
There is a tomorrow
that we must live for.

I speak the words
that my generation
is too afraid to utter

That there is something more
than these white walls,
rubbed red eyes
and black clothes

More than a small
two star town (at best)
and a torn high school degree

There is a hope
that one day
we will get out of here
escape beyond these crowding walls

Do you feel the days bearing down on you?
Wearing down your weakened bones
and your world caving in?

Do not give up.
There is the hope
that tomorrow will bring you peace
and if not tomorrow
than the day after.

My Dearest Friend,
You cannot give up so easily.
Do you not see the pain
in your mother's smile?
The ache in your father's words?
The worry
in your truest friend's eyes.


God,
What has happened to us?
Where is the hope that
once filled our innocent souls?

But if there is not a hope
for a better tomorrow-
No.
You must hope for it
You must defeat your demons
You must rise up
and live

These days have dragged on
But there is no time to give up.

Yesterday is over
And as hard as it is to believe
the pain that burns
in the deepest depths of your chest
Will not kill you today.

I shant allow it
Not today
Not ever.
For I am with you.
Step by step
ache to ache

Your suffering 
will not be in vain.

Today will be a beautiful day.
You are alive.

All you must do
is 
Breathe 

Home.

When you left this world,
we all held our breath
as if it were a joke
and we were waiting
for the punch line.

The punch line
is that you're never coming back
and we're left
to remember you
and all that we left unsaid

When you left,
the world stood still
for what felt like eternity
but was only days.

Slow churning days
Like trying to get the last drop
of molasses out of the jar

Accepting it
was almost too hard

But of what you took with you,
you forgot something.
Or maybe it was on purpose.
A gift for us.

You left the beauty of the world.

The gift of breathing.
Of a true deep breathe.
Of a sincere smile
A real laugh.

And how even rainy days
hold some sort of magic

The world crying over the loss
of another young soul

Reminding us
of our own mortality.
We are no stronger
than our home.

"Will you still love me
When I'm no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me
When I got nothing but my aching soul?
I know you will, I know you will
I know that you will
Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?"
-Young and Beautiful, Lana Del Rey

I guess I'm just tired
of wonder how long it will be
until I see you again.

Each day is a reminder
of how much you have missed
and how much I have missed you.

If only I could see your face
once more.

The Excerpt of Agape

And so I asked him,
"Do you truly
love me?"

He took my hand,
warmth filling my heart,
and replied,
"Truly.
I could never
leave you,
my child."

"And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409

And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today

As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me

Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds

But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all

And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room

Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news

And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?"

Lyrics of What Sarah Said, 

By Death Cab For Cutie

The Island of Dreams

This island is sinking
below the clear ocean's waters
And, my God,
It is beautiful.

It is so beautiful.

Wisdom

You probably don't understand me...
and that's okay.  I don't expect you to.
You are not me,
Nor am I, you.

You read my thoughts.
We never discuss.
But we could if you wanted to
And that is just how our relationship works

I've been told that I am wise beyond my years
but what gift is that?
It is a curse.

What is wisdom
If I don't fully understand
how to wield it.

And as the good book says:
But of the tree of knowledge
of good and evil,
thou shalt not eat of it
for in the day that thou eatest there
of thou shalt surely die.

Tainted by darkness
Fading innocence
Corruption lurking
In the furthest reaches
                of my mind.

But I will escape.

Have faith,
I am not a prisoner
in my own body.

Or at least,
I won't always be.

For someday
I shall escape

I am...

Wise with the knowledge
that I am not good
nor am I evil
I simply am.

The knowledge that
I care and love
and though that may not be enough
I must keep trying

There is a choice to go on
even when the outcome is unbeknownst
to us all

I am
-not because I am afraid
but because I yearn to be more
to grow
and better understand

-not because I must
but because what good is it to live tomorrow
if you wasted today?

I am not wise beyond my years,
I am young within the confines of my heart
clinging onto the last remaining strands
of innocence
almost too short and frayed
to hold onto
but long enough to try

I love and hope to be loved in return
Where I once was hurt, I have forgiven
Though once,
I was lost, I have been found
and despite my past tears,
I now smile

Knowing that this journey
is my own to take

And if I awake before it is complete,
I ask that you allow me
to fall back into my sweet dream
of climbing out of the darkness
and into this beautiful light.

Dear God,

I miss my brother.  I miss when we were all young, and happy.  I miss my parents reading me bedtime stories, and Andrew and Josh sneaking into my room to say "Goodnight, Boo."

Lord, how did this happen?  How did we grow up to be so different?  So far from where we started.  Grant me the power to understand how we got here.  To understand why Andrew has left us.

Each night, I close my eyes and pray to you.  I pray asking you to guide me home, to show me back to your Heavenly Kingdom, and to reunite me with Andrew... but you tell me my journey is far from over.   It feels like it's over.  I am too tired these days, God.  I pray to you for the strength to wake in the morning, but sometimes that's not enough.  Sometimes I can feel the demon sitting on my chest; he's too strong to fight when I am alone.

Some days, all that I can do is sit and wonder how much longer I will be a prisoner to this madness.  But when my love walks through the door, I feel your light enter my home once more.  How could that be?  He has no idea how much he means to me.

We used to be such a close family.  Such a loving family.  I guess we still are... but it's not the same.  A piece of the puzzle is missing, and we all know where it is
but can't get it back.  You've placed it in a spot we can't quite reach.

God... I miss my brothers and my parents.  I miss my whole family.  I miss just feeling like we were complete. These days I just feel so empty.

Lord,
Complete me.

With love,
Always

The Gift

Everyday is a gift
whether you realize it or not

Everyday is beautiful
rain or sun
good day
or
bad day

The sickness lingering inside of me
makes me weak
but with you
I am strong
I can move mountains
I can smile
and be myself
and be proud
of who I am

Where once I was blind
lost in the perpetual darkness
You brought me light
You guided me home

But if today is a gift
I cannot wait
for what tomorrow brings

More Than Life

Quiet comfort

The silence between two

Two fated souls

Waiting for the day

that Death shows up

on his glorious golden 

chariot

to take them both away

Two souls

desperate 

for nothing more

than to continue onward

towards the fiery sun

the glimmering stars

and the ever expanding

universe

All painted up 

on the canvas of the sky

Quiet comfort 

The light squeeze

in a hand hold

and a nod

to show empathy 

but more importantly

love

To show that the days

have grown longer

and more tiring

but that

Love 

I am here for you always

And that I need you

More than life,

I need you

Here

With me 

Always.

The sun has risen up
once again
A new day has come
A page has been turned.

Today we are made
anew

Dear Stranger, (On Losing What You Love)

Dear Stranger,

I know that you have loved, and that you have lost.  I know that late at night, your thoughts eat away at you, devouring your heart and consuming your mind.  It is driving you crazy and there is no escape.  Just more insanity.  

These nights keep you up for many more.  Haunting your waking moments, terrorizing you in your dreams.  

I know that you once loved so desperately, and now, you would do anything to get that love back.  The stone hearted are too lucky.  I know that you would give you heart and your soul, and much, much more even just to give life to that undesired death alone.  

Dear Stranger,

Death comes at the most inconvenient of times, don't you think?  And the worst part, is that no one understands who hasn't lost themselves.  But what is that?  A dead loved one's club? 

The worst thing to say at a funeral:  Man, there's a real stiff in here.  Or, Why so glum?  You look like someone died.  

I could go on forever with these jokes.  I'm not heartless.  But when you lose what you love, you become sad, depressed, and often times feel much too alone.  Moments of joy and pleasure, soon become replaced by feelings of guilt, disbelief, and anger.  Sometimes it is the joining of several in mourning that calls on a joke, or a laugh.  Something to lighten the mood.  

What fun is it to cry all the time?

I cry too often, though it feels like it's not enough.  

I cry for my parents

for my siblings,

my cousins,

aunts, uncles,

grandparents,

but mostly

for losing who I loved

Dear Stranger,

You must keep thinking of those trivial arguments that you had, and regretting them.  Saying to yourself, "If only I could change those last words..."

And even if you could, what then would you say?  And what if it changed the outcome of everything?

In my personal experience, I don't think that saying, "Bye, love you." would have changed the outcome much, but I know it would have changed the guilt I had been feeling for months.  

Or that I regret how angry I was because it ruined years of what could have been great memories.  But that is what it means to be human.  We cannot go back, and that is what makes us truly appreciate the good times, and learn from the bad times.

Dear Friend,

I know each day you feel so alone.  I know each day is a struggle and that no matter how much you try to forget or move on, the guilt piles on, and soon you drown in it.  No one understands.  I know that you need someone, another pleading soul, who will listen.  But who could that be?  Just hold on.

Hold on and listen to me.  Listen and know that you are never alone.  He is with you.  In your heart.  Listen.  Listen to the silence and you will hear him. He would never leave you.

He loves you, and that is what love is... making a promise and keeping it even if you're unsure if you can fulfill it.  Love is doing everything in your power for the other's benefit.  He is here.

He will never leave you, nor will I.

That is what love is.
And I
love you.

With all my heart,
Always.

The Rooms of Heaven

(I cut out the chorus)

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I don't like walking around this old and empty house

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear

The stairs creak as you sleep, it's keeping me awake

It's the house telling you to close your eyes

And some days I can't even trust myself

It's killing me to see you this way

'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks

Soon it will be over and buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young

And full of life and full of love.

Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right

Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear

You're gone, gone, gone away

I watched you disappear

All that's left is the ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,

There's nothing we can do

Just let me go we'll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me

Please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep

~

The next room over,

doesn't seem so far away these days

I see you everywhere

in everything

hear you in the faintest whisper

There's never been a need to yell

Today I miss you.

Yesterday you were here

and tomorrow

this will all seem like a long ago

memory

And one day

it will all make sense

Until then

I can only pray

Hoping that you hear me.

Saunter

Three years ago
I was grappling with the fact
that I was going into
my senior year

My dad dropped me off
helped me get checked in
and unpacked

Then,
after a quick goodbye
we knew that the year
would be long and drawn out
that our time together
would be short
and never enough

Numerous emotions
consuming me
fear, excitement
anxiety, happiness

and then
sadness

childhood
was almost up

The last memories
with whom I once believed to be
my very best friends
my family

What if my grades aren't good enough?
what if I don't get into college?
Everyone gets into college here
What if I'm not a good leader?
I don't earn the respect of my peers?

That year was a blur
Good times
bad times

the in-between times
when things were alright
and we were all just surviving
to get to the next day

I used to laugh and say
"I can't wait to get out of here"

But that last week
was one that I won't forget
Sitting atop of the hill
the sun beaming down
time stood still
all was quiet
and peaceful
I wish I could go back

The back roads and the country farms
The hiking trails through the thick woods
Twilight falling over campus
Like a spell

And the nights were so dark there
dark enough to see all the stars in the sky
dark enough to sneak out in the middle of the night
and just walk

Just saunter
as if it were we ourselves
who were
the saints of the Earth

"All good things are wild,
and free." - Thoreau

A Reflection

Looking back at my life, I'm happy with where I am at now.  It's been a long journey so far, and I've had to fight for what I have, but without the fight, it wouldn't have felt worth it.

I am twenty-one years old as of last week.  I graduated from boarding college preparatory school.  Attended a division three college for ice hockey, having most of my gear paid for.  Realized that hockey was no longer my dream.  Learned that I needed to focus more on the real world and an educated, rather than wasting my time on drama and people not worth the effort.  I am a CNA, and working towards an Associates in Medical Assistance, and a Bachelors in Health Information.  I got the little brother I always wanted when I was growing up, and he is better than I could have hoped for.  When I was fourteen, I met the boy of my dreams, and today we are happily married.  Despite the warnings, and how when you're married everything changes, I am not pregnant, nor have I ever been pregnant.  In fact, for those who doubted me, if you do the math correctly, if we married due to pregnancy, well, I'd have a kid by now.  Luckily, that is not the case.

I am living in Alabama... Alafreakingbama.  Didn't see that one coming.  But I'm happy here.  I have made some amazing friends, grown up quite a bit, and have the ability to continue school while being able to afford it.

No, I don't play hockey anymore.  And I loved hockey.  But what I loved more than hockey, was the time I got to spend with my family during those long car rides.  When I reached college and was playing, my family wasn't there.  The fun that I once had, I realized wasn't solely the love of the game.. but the love of my dad giving me a pep talk and driving hours just for a practice, or my mom shouting "sugar honey ice tea sugar honey ice tea" and her high pitched excited scream she'd let out when she was both proud and excited.

What I have learned, even just from hockey is that the things we love, change.  We don't realize that they change until it's too late and when we let go, we miss the true reason for that love in the first place.

I am happy where I am now in my life.  I have parents and family who love me.  A husband whom I adore, and whom adores me.  Heck, I even have a cat now.  I always wanted a cat.  My best friend just threw my a surprise birthday party.  I always wanted a surprise party.

I write openly and have people who support me and don't judge who I am.

What I  have learned is that I loved Andrew even when he changed.  I saw his change, but I denied it until it was too late.  I was angry with him, resented him for what he had become.  I missed who he once was.  I missed the sweet and loving little boy he once was.  He was the same though.  All that had changed were his habits.  I forgave him and we began to rebuild.

Fate has a funny way of destroying drawn out opportunities.

If I could go back,
I know I would.

I am happy with my life right now, but every day I am missing you, Andrew.  Every day I wonder when we shall meet again, but like I said, I'm happy.  Happy knowing that you are safe and sound. And no longer must I worry.  The worst has already happened.  Now, we can only pick up the pieces, and continue on.

Darkness

When the night comes
darkness slips through the cracks
creeps into my home
-into my heart

Scared
that with each passing moment
the demons will come closer
to breaking me

They torment me in my dreams
Call to me when I am awake
and I can only hope
that one day
they will leave.

Tired
too tired to fight anymore
if the darkness takes me
sometimes I think
"so be it"

So be this life.

We all have skeletons
in our closets
but most of ours
don't fight to get out
don't writhe and scream
scratching so loud
that my ears begin to bleed.

When the night comes
I see the darkness filling my eyes
filling my mind
too tired to fight
and once more
I fall into a restless sleep

The Leaves Do Not Turn Here

Summer fades
with each passing day
the heat
gradually dissipating

crickets sing
airplanes
and helicopters fly over head

Another month quickly approaches
and with time
it will be as if
this year never happened at all

Just another moment to forget
and let slip through the cracks
Just another moment
to tell yourself never happened.

The leaves don't turn here.
They just die.
Such a bland existence
But at home,
their sacrifice looked so beautiful
so glorious
that Autumn didn't look so ominous
but rather
peaceful
and understanding.

It gave hope
that prior to death
we could burn the purest shades
of red and gold
anything in between
before turning to mere ash
left to dissolve into the ground.

It gave hope that
we could leave behind a seed
that would grow
after the cold Winter months
to let our line continue on

-that we may not die in vain
but rather
die having passed on the secrets
of our nature.

Goodbye For Now

Dear Andrew,

Time changed us

and we grew apart

but I still love you.

and I still miss you everyday.

Sometimes I ignore the pain

other days 

I embrace it

to remember you

I know you wouldn't want this

but 

I know you wouldn't want to be forgotten.

That's why you talk to me

in my dreams 

or even

when I'm outside

and the wind picks up

and there's a whisper through the 

leaves in the trees.

I know you're there.

Sometimes life goes on as usual

other days it stops so suddenly

and I can't breathe 

as if my heart decides

it's done beating

and just wants to join you.

I can't though.

There's still so much left to do

so many people left to meet

places to see

so that when I die

I may see you again

and tell you all about it

and you will laugh

You will tell me

"I was there the whole time,

didn't you see me?"

Of course I did.

I see you everywhere.  

I cannot wait for that day.

Truly,

it will be heavenly.

Love Always,

Boo

Hope is a waking dream

"Dream Machine"

I am a dream machine
The things I see when I sleep
You wouldn't believe
I am a weird machine
Which I'd rather be
Than cold and unfeeling
Than stone and freewheeling
For no reason
Why would I try then?

I am a whisper at night
When maybe I shouldn't so shy
I am a smile when it feels right
But mostly just pretty dry
What would I be then and
Why would I try?

~

Life as we know it

is failing us

every moment that we are

in fact

alive.

Life as I know it

has left me

to find another port 

another victim

If I just lie here under my blankets

maybe I can wait until it all 

just passes me by.

A dream

it's all a dream

I can't shake these nightmares

these shadows

lurking in the dark

Close my eyes

it's all just a dream

a silly dream

when I awake it will all be over

When I awake

If I awake

If only I could find you.

You cannot find what you haven't lost.

You are with me always.

1 John 4:1

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.

Being

Ready to start again
to start over new
God,
I cannot wait.

Getting nervous
as I get ready.
New clothes
fresh with the tags still on
Brushing the snarls out of my hair
Brushing my teeth for an extra two minutes
This could be my only chance out of here
I pull on my new shining shoes
close my eyes
and try to breathe
Then walk outside
and into the car

Driving myself crazy
thinking of all the possibilities
All the doors this could open

I don't bother to look at the road
I am looking at the sky
the beautifully painted
pink
orange
and blue sky

And I think of how long it took me
to get here.

And how soon
I will leave.

I cannot wait.
Today
is the day
that will change
everything

Today
I will overcome.
I will escape.
I will believe.
I will be.

The Lie

Too tired to admit my mistakes
Clearly...
quite clearly I am wrong
I am slipping quickly

A lie is a lie
until you make it something more

And what if that something more
Holds a whole world within itself?

What if that something more
is more than even just that
and is something we cannot control?

Too tired to get up
But clearly,
quite clearly,
I am slipping quickly

The energy has been sucked from me
The life force that once held me together
has been depleted

A lie is a lie
until you dress it up nicely
give it a name
and take it out to eat

if you know what I mean

And this isn't just a fancy dinner

this is life

and it's eating away at you

Its mascara is running

and hair is turning grey

and you can't just bury it 

when it looks too old to carry anymore

No, 

you need to kill this 

You need to suffocate it 

as it lashes back at you

and it struggles

writhes, kicks, and screams for air

and then,

simply,

dies.

A lie is a lie

until you kill it.

Home

The winds pick up

A storm is coming

A storm stronger than anything

we have ever seen before

The winds pick up

gusting all around me

Blowing in all directions

I once felt so lost

but I can finally see

with the wind all around me

The darkness has fallen 

below the horizon

and now 

The world is filled

with a bright light

that fills my soul

I drink it in with ease

I lift my hands into the air

and I let go 

I let the wind take me

The battle to stay grounded 

was too hard to fight

It wasn't my battle to fight

I take a breath in

and release

The natural world consumes me

And it is here that is holy.

It is here that I am no longer alone.

Winds,

guide me home.

Close My Eyes

Dizzy, dizzy
The world keeps spinning.
God,
I said last time
that I was done with this shit

My breath escapes me
Dizzy, dizzy
I can hardly keep my eyes straight
My eyes open

The energy that was in my body
has oozed out from my pores
as I lie here in a puddle
of what feels to be
death

The nightmares woke me
and I was scared.
The demons screeched so loud
in my aching ears

Never in my life
have I felt so scared.
I had no choice.
I don't even want to do this anymore
And yet, there's no other escape.

I am a prisoner to my own body
It acts and I just watch
as an outside observer
As I watch on repeat
my life
and how I got to this low point.

I don't want to be like this.
But this hunger for more
drives me to go on
to keep me sane

Lately though...
Lately the insanity has been tearing me apart
into pieces

Just one more time,
just one more time.
God,
Help me?
I beg and beg

Death has never quite felt so real
as a light approaches
and my blood runs cold.

If I close my eyes it's over

But I never really had a choice
Did I?

"I really thought love would save us all." - John Lennon

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me

And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body x3

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere x3

Stupidly enough, I haven't heard this song in ages.  I was on pandora the other day though, and remember how much I used to love this song.  As I was listening, I was trying to figure out what in particular made me listen to it on repeat.  

Before I delve any further,

I'm going to take a step back and explain my beliefs on love, religion, etc, and if you have a problem with it, you can kindly take it up with yourself.

Though my faith in Christianity hasn't been the strongest thing in the world over the last few years, I have always believed in love.  I don't mean like your stereotypical hippy "peace and love, man" sort of thing, but in actual love.  In the C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, sort of way.  

C.S. Lewis explains how there are four types of love, one for each respectable "group" in our life.  These four types of love are affection, friendship, romance, and unconditional love.  Affection (storge) is "fondness through familiarity), as in family love, or people who have been bonded together by chance.  He describes this as being the most natural, emotive due to fondness, and most forgiving of love.  

Friendship (Phileo) is the strangest of the loves as it is the least natural, and not necessary, however, that is why friendship is so important.  Friendship is a "deeply appreciative love" as it brings together those who would otherwise be separate.  It cultivates a world within the friends, thus isolating them from all else.  

I'm going to skip Romance (Eros) for now, maybe touch on it later.  Instead, I'll go straight to Unconditional love (Agape).  We all know what unconditional love is, as it is the greatest of loves.  Lewis describes the love that God has for us as being unconditional, however, what about the love for your family or your child?  I believe it to be the same, though I am not calling any of us "God".  

Love is so important to me because without it, what guides you?  Without it, how can you reason logically, and how can you truly make relationships with people without love?  If you don't love, even the smallest amount, then it's a relationship based on selfish interests.  

To clarify why I'm talking about CS Lewis and love, I focused on the three loves that are most family related.  This isn't to segregate those who weren't related to Andrew, but rather, to bring them closer so they can understand the love that was felt for us all.

Flashback to growing up:

I was the youngest of three, having two older brothers, Andrew and Joshua.  We were best friends and worst enemies depending on the time of day, but there was always a bonding factor that brought us together regardless of the circumstances.  They weren't just my big brothers, they were my guardians.  In school, they were my protection from bullies.  At home, they were my companions.  We'd play tag for hours; arguing over who was it, laugh as we stumbled in the dark, and explored our childhood together as it slipped away like sand in an hourglass.  We were at all of each others hockey games, cheering the one on the ice on.  Heck, Andrew and Josh got kicked out of one of my games for harassing the goalie of the other team.  

When I was at boarding school, I had a difficult time getting along with my hockey coach. He had promised that I would be the only goalie, then two weeks before the school year started, he recruited an older girl, and played her more due to seniority.  Andrew knew how upset I was.  Hockey used to be my life.  Not to mention I was at a boarding school in the middle of no where and all I was known for was being the goalie on the girls' team... and wasn't even played.  He came to one of my games and overheard the dad of the other goalie talking about how his daughter was getting played consistently and how great the team was doing (not to be a dick, but they weren't).  He didn't say anything, but after the game, when I hopped into the car with my dad and him, he told me he had given the guy a piece of his mind and told him off.  At the time, it meant the world to me.  Regardless of whether he did or not, the fact that he said he did... the fact that he saw my pain and wanted to fix it meant everything to me.  

As I got older, Andrew was around a lot less.  He was always staying with this friend or that friend, in this state or another.  Sometimes we didn't know where he was, just that he was gone.  Or other times, the police would be looking for him and we knew where he was but we couldn't say anything.  Every family holiday, he'd be home though.  And as mad as we were at him, it was good just knowing he was safe.  There was a long time that I was mad at him for a lot of things, but I loved him all the same.  Whenever anyone spoke negatively about him, I stood up for him because he would have done the same for me.  

When I was fourteen, Michael came into our life.  Anyone who has met Michael knows that he is a blessing.  He is the sun and the stars, and if any child were to have the face of an angel, it would be him.  He was born with a deletion in his fifth chromosome, making him autistic.  Over the years, Michael has make tremendous progress and have brought our family closer in several ways.  If you ever needed a clear example of love though, seeing Andrew with Michael would be the best you could get.  

 Andrew would do anything for him.  His voice would get higher in pitch, and he would say "Hey Mikey!"  Andrew loved to babysit Michael.  He would read him bedtime stories, let him play with whatever he wanted, and just genuinely loved him.  You could tell by the look in his eyes how much love he held in his heart for Michael.  

Michael still talks about Andrew.  He stills dreams about him.  And he misses Andrew.  

The last summer I saw Andrew was pretty hard to swallow.  He had left rehab, wound up with a pitbull puppy, Loopy, and was dodging the police.  I didn't know for quite some time he had left rehab.  I even met up with him in Sturbridge, and we hiked the mountain to the usual spot (where his memorial now is) and was just talked about life and how he was, and what I was up to.  There are moments in my life that I wish I could freeze and go back to whenever I wanted.  That was one of them.  

On his birthday, a few weeks later, he brought Loopy with him to Mem and Pep's house.  He was so happy with that dog.  I remember I gave him a card saying how proud I was of him, and he started to tear up.  A week later, I found out that he had left rehab about a month prior.  Ugh.  My first thought wasn't an angry one, it was well where is he now?  He moved back home for a bit, then left.  When he left, he said he would just be gone for two weeks and asked us to watch Loopy.  After three weeks, we realized he didn't plan on coming back.  Loopy antagonized our golden doodle, Belle.  We started looking for a good, loving home for her but  when Andrew found out, he rushed home to take her back.  Shortly after (about a month or so), he was arrested and had to serve out a few warrants.  He was up in Lawrence, which was a hell of a drive.  But I visited him two or three times.  I dropped off clothes for him, bought him food, and snuck him some money.  During those visits, we talked about everything from my wedding being planned, to how he was doing, to his plans when he got out.  He was determined to get his life together, to go to college.  He couldn't  believe I was getting married already.  I couldn't either.  

While he was there, I had started going to therapy to work on my anxiety and depression.  My therapist was obviously worried about my jail bird brother coming home... which I thought was stupid.  I told her I was fine, and loved my brother.  He wasn't in jail for hurting anyone, and he'd never hurt me.

He got out a couple weeks before Thanksgiving and was living with us.  He was traveling between our house and Sturbridge. We worried but it would be fine, right?

The winter flew by as my wedding planning became the focus of the family.  Andrew was in and out of the house.  We'd play video games, go to the mall, and go grocery shopping together.  Every now and then, I'd have to drive him some place to drop him off, or pick him up.  These places were usually run down, in the middle of no where.  Did I worry? of course.  

On the night of my wedding, we danced together and I said to him, "Please be careful.  I don't want you getting arrested again, or hurting yourself, or worse... ending up dead."  Yeah, it's grim to say but it was a constant fear for all of us.  

I'm not going to look back on it all with rose colored glasses and act like he was an angel, because he wasn't.  But he was always there for me.  

He was arrested a week after the wedding.  

I moved to Alabama the week after.

When he got out, I called him immediately.  We talked for a couple hours on the phone, and it was good talk.  My phone died.  

It was the one time I didn't say "Bye, I love you." at the end of a phone conversation with him.  and it was the last conversation I had with him.  

The love I hold in my heart for Andrew crossed the three loves of familial, friendship, and unconditional.  

He was my big brother, my best friend, and every bad thing he had done, had been forgiven.  Now... he's gone.  He's on the other side as an Angel or spirit.  Whatever he is, he's out there and he's still talking to me.  To us.  

“Here at last is the thing I was made for.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

A Dream

It was a dream... just a dream?  A dream too real to forget.

We were at the lake house again.  Waiting for you.  We knew you weren't physically real but we knew you weren't gone either.  We waited, as the sun began to set.  Brilliant colors filled the sky.  And we heard you laughing.  You were down by the brook so we ran down to see you.

You had this big smile on your face, and you were talking to John Outland.  You were wearing a red shirt, and you were glowing.  We called out to you and you walked to us, as we stood up on the hill in front of the house.  We were all so happy, and even though I wasn't supposed to be able to hug you, I did.  I remember how your shirt felt between my fingers.  How real it was.  How you were so bright, and happy.  How happy we all were.

Perhaps it was just a dream, but I believe it was something more.

I Promise

I'm going to make a promise today to myself and to you all, and I hope you can all join me in this promise:
 I promise that I will live each day as a gift
That I will treat my body as my temple
That I will love myself for who I am
and not strive to change who I truly am
on the inside.

 I will wake up each day appreciative
of who I am and where I am
Of my family of my friends

 That each day will be a gift
and I must live it for those
who came before me
who didn't quite make the journey
to where we are now

 I promise to live my life for you.

Millstone

"Tell me why I'm discontented
Will I die without the details in my hands?
I feel these vines surrounding my heart,
I fear I'm moving at a slower pace again
Tell me how this all unfolds

I can't find the secret to survive
To grow old safe and sound
life is sifting through like the sands in the hourglass
There's not a moment to relive my time and space
There's not a moment to undo anything

How could I have been this careless,
I fear I'm locked inside another cage again
Shake me from these torturous dreams where
I keep screaming
Can't see how to overcome"
 - excerpt from Millstone by Eisley

 I'm tired of feeling alone.
Of feeling that at the core... at the root of it all
we are all just alone,
 traveling this route until we're taken by death

 I found the book you read
So I read it and tried to think
what you were thinking
picture what you pictured

 Did you see yourself?
I tried to see you. It wasn't you though.
 You didn't die that death.
 I remember the pain you felt after losing your best friend.
You were so lost trying to lose yourself even more
 We were afraid for you.

I was terrified. I was selfish.

I wanted to fix you but maybe you weren't broken
maybe you were meant to show us something teach us all a lesson.
 That love isn't beating ourselves broken
but unconditional.

 I love you. I miss you. I shall see you in my dreams.

You, You would always see the signs
The echoes in my head they rhyme
I feel we never went at all
Tomorrow is another day
I don’t know when I’ll feel anymore
Feeling all this things before
And all that I would do

You, You would always see the signs
The echoes in my head they rhyme
I felt they never went home at all
Tomorrow is another day, that we need
I don’t know where I’ll be searching for, the things i’ve seen
And i’m a feeling all this things before I go through
All that I would do I do for you, ohhh

Round about, a quarter past
We rustle up all inside
Of everyone, and everything
That didn’t owe us too well
And in our hearts
The matter is, they know the reason too well
I heard the rain, it never came
When we oh oh oh

And i’d better get in control of this heavy vehicle
Or else i’ll go and then i’ll go and explode
To the place that I adore, seen places on the shore
Where’ve you been and where no sun is a sin

Been packing all night long, to get ready for some fun
And you go, and you go evermore
I hate feeling in control, I want someone else’s role
But i’m here and i’ll do anything

Together this is a heart attack, I’m gonna get off in a sec
But for now, i’m having way to much fun
To the place that I adore, Seen places on the shore,
Where did you go, and where did you go everyone?

Been packing all night long to get ready for some fun
And you go, and you go evermore
I hate feeling in control, I want someone else’s role
But i’m here and i’ll do anything


-

Another favorite song of mine.  
Makes me slow everything down
and just think
and breathe 

Reminds me of being a kid again.
Innocence 
Freedom
Purity

I miss the days when I could simply disappear
Now 
Someone is looking for me
no matter where I go.

I wish I could escape from this place
this world
get out of here
get out of everywhere
and find out what's beyond these Earthly walls

Perception

There is this world around me
that spins and spins
With a clock that
continuously ticks
and tocks

Reminding me
that there is no stopping
what has been in motion
for much too long now

And if Heaven is just in the next room
Why can we not see it?
Are we blind?
Or are we simply not perceiving
what is there...

Or what
if we're not looking at it
the right way?

In school we're told
"Don't be so close minded"
and to
"Be creative"

but when we stray from the path
pioneering our own way
we are criticized
looked at differently
subjected to a wide array of abuses
for not quite fitting in

We're becoming the complete opposite
of what we once dreamed of being
Why do we, instead of changing how we perceive others,
make our decision and judge each other
based on past events.

As children
the world was enormous
vast with adventure
filled with various kinds of life

...

Now it is a box
that confines me
traps me
tells me that my dreams are pointless
That nightmares are more likely to come true
They are.

I have a choice
and I choose
To open my eyes.