Saunter

Three years ago
I was grappling with the fact
that I was going into
my senior year

My dad dropped me off
helped me get checked in
and unpacked

Then,
after a quick goodbye
we knew that the year
would be long and drawn out
that our time together
would be short
and never enough

Numerous emotions
consuming me
fear, excitement
anxiety, happiness

and then
sadness

childhood
was almost up

The last memories
with whom I once believed to be
my very best friends
my family

What if my grades aren't good enough?
what if I don't get into college?
Everyone gets into college here
What if I'm not a good leader?
I don't earn the respect of my peers?

That year was a blur
Good times
bad times

the in-between times
when things were alright
and we were all just surviving
to get to the next day

I used to laugh and say
"I can't wait to get out of here"

But that last week
was one that I won't forget
Sitting atop of the hill
the sun beaming down
time stood still
all was quiet
and peaceful
I wish I could go back

The back roads and the country farms
The hiking trails through the thick woods
Twilight falling over campus
Like a spell

And the nights were so dark there
dark enough to see all the stars in the sky
dark enough to sneak out in the middle of the night
and just walk

Just saunter
as if it were we ourselves
who were
the saints of the Earth

"All good things are wild,
and free." - Thoreau

A Reflection

Looking back at my life, I'm happy with where I am at now.  It's been a long journey so far, and I've had to fight for what I have, but without the fight, it wouldn't have felt worth it.

I am twenty-one years old as of last week.  I graduated from boarding college preparatory school.  Attended a division three college for ice hockey, having most of my gear paid for.  Realized that hockey was no longer my dream.  Learned that I needed to focus more on the real world and an educated, rather than wasting my time on drama and people not worth the effort.  I am a CNA, and working towards an Associates in Medical Assistance, and a Bachelors in Health Information.  I got the little brother I always wanted when I was growing up, and he is better than I could have hoped for.  When I was fourteen, I met the boy of my dreams, and today we are happily married.  Despite the warnings, and how when you're married everything changes, I am not pregnant, nor have I ever been pregnant.  In fact, for those who doubted me, if you do the math correctly, if we married due to pregnancy, well, I'd have a kid by now.  Luckily, that is not the case.

I am living in Alabama... Alafreakingbama.  Didn't see that one coming.  But I'm happy here.  I have made some amazing friends, grown up quite a bit, and have the ability to continue school while being able to afford it.

No, I don't play hockey anymore.  And I loved hockey.  But what I loved more than hockey, was the time I got to spend with my family during those long car rides.  When I reached college and was playing, my family wasn't there.  The fun that I once had, I realized wasn't solely the love of the game.. but the love of my dad giving me a pep talk and driving hours just for a practice, or my mom shouting "sugar honey ice tea sugar honey ice tea" and her high pitched excited scream she'd let out when she was both proud and excited.

What I have learned, even just from hockey is that the things we love, change.  We don't realize that they change until it's too late and when we let go, we miss the true reason for that love in the first place.

I am happy where I am now in my life.  I have parents and family who love me.  A husband whom I adore, and whom adores me.  Heck, I even have a cat now.  I always wanted a cat.  My best friend just threw my a surprise birthday party.  I always wanted a surprise party.

I write openly and have people who support me and don't judge who I am.

What I  have learned is that I loved Andrew even when he changed.  I saw his change, but I denied it until it was too late.  I was angry with him, resented him for what he had become.  I missed who he once was.  I missed the sweet and loving little boy he once was.  He was the same though.  All that had changed were his habits.  I forgave him and we began to rebuild.

Fate has a funny way of destroying drawn out opportunities.

If I could go back,
I know I would.

I am happy with my life right now, but every day I am missing you, Andrew.  Every day I wonder when we shall meet again, but like I said, I'm happy.  Happy knowing that you are safe and sound. And no longer must I worry.  The worst has already happened.  Now, we can only pick up the pieces, and continue on.

Darkness

When the night comes
darkness slips through the cracks
creeps into my home
-into my heart

Scared
that with each passing moment
the demons will come closer
to breaking me

They torment me in my dreams
Call to me when I am awake
and I can only hope
that one day
they will leave.

Tired
too tired to fight anymore
if the darkness takes me
sometimes I think
"so be it"

So be this life.

We all have skeletons
in our closets
but most of ours
don't fight to get out
don't writhe and scream
scratching so loud
that my ears begin to bleed.

When the night comes
I see the darkness filling my eyes
filling my mind
too tired to fight
and once more
I fall into a restless sleep

The Leaves Do Not Turn Here

Summer fades
with each passing day
the heat
gradually dissipating

crickets sing
airplanes
and helicopters fly over head

Another month quickly approaches
and with time
it will be as if
this year never happened at all

Just another moment to forget
and let slip through the cracks
Just another moment
to tell yourself never happened.

The leaves don't turn here.
They just die.
Such a bland existence
But at home,
their sacrifice looked so beautiful
so glorious
that Autumn didn't look so ominous
but rather
peaceful
and understanding.

It gave hope
that prior to death
we could burn the purest shades
of red and gold
anything in between
before turning to mere ash
left to dissolve into the ground.

It gave hope that
we could leave behind a seed
that would grow
after the cold Winter months
to let our line continue on

-that we may not die in vain
but rather
die having passed on the secrets
of our nature.

Goodbye For Now

Dear Andrew,

Time changed us

and we grew apart

but I still love you.

and I still miss you everyday.

Sometimes I ignore the pain

other days 

I embrace it

to remember you

I know you wouldn't want this

but 

I know you wouldn't want to be forgotten.

That's why you talk to me

in my dreams 

or even

when I'm outside

and the wind picks up

and there's a whisper through the 

leaves in the trees.

I know you're there.

Sometimes life goes on as usual

other days it stops so suddenly

and I can't breathe 

as if my heart decides

it's done beating

and just wants to join you.

I can't though.

There's still so much left to do

so many people left to meet

places to see

so that when I die

I may see you again

and tell you all about it

and you will laugh

You will tell me

"I was there the whole time,

didn't you see me?"

Of course I did.

I see you everywhere.  

I cannot wait for that day.

Truly,

it will be heavenly.

Love Always,

Boo

Hope is a waking dream

"Dream Machine"

I am a dream machine
The things I see when I sleep
You wouldn't believe
I am a weird machine
Which I'd rather be
Than cold and unfeeling
Than stone and freewheeling
For no reason
Why would I try then?

I am a whisper at night
When maybe I shouldn't so shy
I am a smile when it feels right
But mostly just pretty dry
What would I be then and
Why would I try?

~

Life as we know it

is failing us

every moment that we are

in fact

alive.

Life as I know it

has left me

to find another port 

another victim

If I just lie here under my blankets

maybe I can wait until it all 

just passes me by.

A dream

it's all a dream

I can't shake these nightmares

these shadows

lurking in the dark

Close my eyes

it's all just a dream

a silly dream

when I awake it will all be over

When I awake

If I awake

If only I could find you.

You cannot find what you haven't lost.

You are with me always.

1 John 4:1

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.

Being

Ready to start again
to start over new
God,
I cannot wait.

Getting nervous
as I get ready.
New clothes
fresh with the tags still on
Brushing the snarls out of my hair
Brushing my teeth for an extra two minutes
This could be my only chance out of here
I pull on my new shining shoes
close my eyes
and try to breathe
Then walk outside
and into the car

Driving myself crazy
thinking of all the possibilities
All the doors this could open

I don't bother to look at the road
I am looking at the sky
the beautifully painted
pink
orange
and blue sky

And I think of how long it took me
to get here.

And how soon
I will leave.

I cannot wait.
Today
is the day
that will change
everything

Today
I will overcome.
I will escape.
I will believe.
I will be.

The Lie

Too tired to admit my mistakes
Clearly...
quite clearly I am wrong
I am slipping quickly

A lie is a lie
until you make it something more

And what if that something more
Holds a whole world within itself?

What if that something more
is more than even just that
and is something we cannot control?

Too tired to get up
But clearly,
quite clearly,
I am slipping quickly

The energy has been sucked from me
The life force that once held me together
has been depleted

A lie is a lie
until you dress it up nicely
give it a name
and take it out to eat

if you know what I mean

And this isn't just a fancy dinner

this is life

and it's eating away at you

Its mascara is running

and hair is turning grey

and you can't just bury it 

when it looks too old to carry anymore

No, 

you need to kill this 

You need to suffocate it 

as it lashes back at you

and it struggles

writhes, kicks, and screams for air

and then,

simply,

dies.

A lie is a lie

until you kill it.

Home

The winds pick up

A storm is coming

A storm stronger than anything

we have ever seen before

The winds pick up

gusting all around me

Blowing in all directions

I once felt so lost

but I can finally see

with the wind all around me

The darkness has fallen 

below the horizon

and now 

The world is filled

with a bright light

that fills my soul

I drink it in with ease

I lift my hands into the air

and I let go 

I let the wind take me

The battle to stay grounded 

was too hard to fight

It wasn't my battle to fight

I take a breath in

and release

The natural world consumes me

And it is here that is holy.

It is here that I am no longer alone.

Winds,

guide me home.

Close My Eyes

Dizzy, dizzy
The world keeps spinning.
God,
I said last time
that I was done with this shit

My breath escapes me
Dizzy, dizzy
I can hardly keep my eyes straight
My eyes open

The energy that was in my body
has oozed out from my pores
as I lie here in a puddle
of what feels to be
death

The nightmares woke me
and I was scared.
The demons screeched so loud
in my aching ears

Never in my life
have I felt so scared.
I had no choice.
I don't even want to do this anymore
And yet, there's no other escape.

I am a prisoner to my own body
It acts and I just watch
as an outside observer
As I watch on repeat
my life
and how I got to this low point.

I don't want to be like this.
But this hunger for more
drives me to go on
to keep me sane

Lately though...
Lately the insanity has been tearing me apart
into pieces

Just one more time,
just one more time.
God,
Help me?
I beg and beg

Death has never quite felt so real
as a light approaches
and my blood runs cold.

If I close my eyes it's over

But I never really had a choice
Did I?

"I really thought love would save us all." - John Lennon

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me

And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body x3

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere x3

Stupidly enough, I haven't heard this song in ages.  I was on pandora the other day though, and remember how much I used to love this song.  As I was listening, I was trying to figure out what in particular made me listen to it on repeat.  

Before I delve any further,

I'm going to take a step back and explain my beliefs on love, religion, etc, and if you have a problem with it, you can kindly take it up with yourself.

Though my faith in Christianity hasn't been the strongest thing in the world over the last few years, I have always believed in love.  I don't mean like your stereotypical hippy "peace and love, man" sort of thing, but in actual love.  In the C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, sort of way.  

C.S. Lewis explains how there are four types of love, one for each respectable "group" in our life.  These four types of love are affection, friendship, romance, and unconditional love.  Affection (storge) is "fondness through familiarity), as in family love, or people who have been bonded together by chance.  He describes this as being the most natural, emotive due to fondness, and most forgiving of love.  

Friendship (Phileo) is the strangest of the loves as it is the least natural, and not necessary, however, that is why friendship is so important.  Friendship is a "deeply appreciative love" as it brings together those who would otherwise be separate.  It cultivates a world within the friends, thus isolating them from all else.  

I'm going to skip Romance (Eros) for now, maybe touch on it later.  Instead, I'll go straight to Unconditional love (Agape).  We all know what unconditional love is, as it is the greatest of loves.  Lewis describes the love that God has for us as being unconditional, however, what about the love for your family or your child?  I believe it to be the same, though I am not calling any of us "God".  

Love is so important to me because without it, what guides you?  Without it, how can you reason logically, and how can you truly make relationships with people without love?  If you don't love, even the smallest amount, then it's a relationship based on selfish interests.  

To clarify why I'm talking about CS Lewis and love, I focused on the three loves that are most family related.  This isn't to segregate those who weren't related to Andrew, but rather, to bring them closer so they can understand the love that was felt for us all.

Flashback to growing up:

I was the youngest of three, having two older brothers, Andrew and Joshua.  We were best friends and worst enemies depending on the time of day, but there was always a bonding factor that brought us together regardless of the circumstances.  They weren't just my big brothers, they were my guardians.  In school, they were my protection from bullies.  At home, they were my companions.  We'd play tag for hours; arguing over who was it, laugh as we stumbled in the dark, and explored our childhood together as it slipped away like sand in an hourglass.  We were at all of each others hockey games, cheering the one on the ice on.  Heck, Andrew and Josh got kicked out of one of my games for harassing the goalie of the other team.  

When I was at boarding school, I had a difficult time getting along with my hockey coach. He had promised that I would be the only goalie, then two weeks before the school year started, he recruited an older girl, and played her more due to seniority.  Andrew knew how upset I was.  Hockey used to be my life.  Not to mention I was at a boarding school in the middle of no where and all I was known for was being the goalie on the girls' team... and wasn't even played.  He came to one of my games and overheard the dad of the other goalie talking about how his daughter was getting played consistently and how great the team was doing (not to be a dick, but they weren't).  He didn't say anything, but after the game, when I hopped into the car with my dad and him, he told me he had given the guy a piece of his mind and told him off.  At the time, it meant the world to me.  Regardless of whether he did or not, the fact that he said he did... the fact that he saw my pain and wanted to fix it meant everything to me.  

As I got older, Andrew was around a lot less.  He was always staying with this friend or that friend, in this state or another.  Sometimes we didn't know where he was, just that he was gone.  Or other times, the police would be looking for him and we knew where he was but we couldn't say anything.  Every family holiday, he'd be home though.  And as mad as we were at him, it was good just knowing he was safe.  There was a long time that I was mad at him for a lot of things, but I loved him all the same.  Whenever anyone spoke negatively about him, I stood up for him because he would have done the same for me.  

When I was fourteen, Michael came into our life.  Anyone who has met Michael knows that he is a blessing.  He is the sun and the stars, and if any child were to have the face of an angel, it would be him.  He was born with a deletion in his fifth chromosome, making him autistic.  Over the years, Michael has make tremendous progress and have brought our family closer in several ways.  If you ever needed a clear example of love though, seeing Andrew with Michael would be the best you could get.  

 Andrew would do anything for him.  His voice would get higher in pitch, and he would say "Hey Mikey!"  Andrew loved to babysit Michael.  He would read him bedtime stories, let him play with whatever he wanted, and just genuinely loved him.  You could tell by the look in his eyes how much love he held in his heart for Michael.  

Michael still talks about Andrew.  He stills dreams about him.  And he misses Andrew.  

The last summer I saw Andrew was pretty hard to swallow.  He had left rehab, wound up with a pitbull puppy, Loopy, and was dodging the police.  I didn't know for quite some time he had left rehab.  I even met up with him in Sturbridge, and we hiked the mountain to the usual spot (where his memorial now is) and was just talked about life and how he was, and what I was up to.  There are moments in my life that I wish I could freeze and go back to whenever I wanted.  That was one of them.  

On his birthday, a few weeks later, he brought Loopy with him to Mem and Pep's house.  He was so happy with that dog.  I remember I gave him a card saying how proud I was of him, and he started to tear up.  A week later, I found out that he had left rehab about a month prior.  Ugh.  My first thought wasn't an angry one, it was well where is he now?  He moved back home for a bit, then left.  When he left, he said he would just be gone for two weeks and asked us to watch Loopy.  After three weeks, we realized he didn't plan on coming back.  Loopy antagonized our golden doodle, Belle.  We started looking for a good, loving home for her but  when Andrew found out, he rushed home to take her back.  Shortly after (about a month or so), he was arrested and had to serve out a few warrants.  He was up in Lawrence, which was a hell of a drive.  But I visited him two or three times.  I dropped off clothes for him, bought him food, and snuck him some money.  During those visits, we talked about everything from my wedding being planned, to how he was doing, to his plans when he got out.  He was determined to get his life together, to go to college.  He couldn't  believe I was getting married already.  I couldn't either.  

While he was there, I had started going to therapy to work on my anxiety and depression.  My therapist was obviously worried about my jail bird brother coming home... which I thought was stupid.  I told her I was fine, and loved my brother.  He wasn't in jail for hurting anyone, and he'd never hurt me.

He got out a couple weeks before Thanksgiving and was living with us.  He was traveling between our house and Sturbridge. We worried but it would be fine, right?

The winter flew by as my wedding planning became the focus of the family.  Andrew was in and out of the house.  We'd play video games, go to the mall, and go grocery shopping together.  Every now and then, I'd have to drive him some place to drop him off, or pick him up.  These places were usually run down, in the middle of no where.  Did I worry? of course.  

On the night of my wedding, we danced together and I said to him, "Please be careful.  I don't want you getting arrested again, or hurting yourself, or worse... ending up dead."  Yeah, it's grim to say but it was a constant fear for all of us.  

I'm not going to look back on it all with rose colored glasses and act like he was an angel, because he wasn't.  But he was always there for me.  

He was arrested a week after the wedding.  

I moved to Alabama the week after.

When he got out, I called him immediately.  We talked for a couple hours on the phone, and it was good talk.  My phone died.  

It was the one time I didn't say "Bye, I love you." at the end of a phone conversation with him.  and it was the last conversation I had with him.  

The love I hold in my heart for Andrew crossed the three loves of familial, friendship, and unconditional.  

He was my big brother, my best friend, and every bad thing he had done, had been forgiven.  Now... he's gone.  He's on the other side as an Angel or spirit.  Whatever he is, he's out there and he's still talking to me.  To us.  

“Here at last is the thing I was made for.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

A Dream

It was a dream... just a dream?  A dream too real to forget.

We were at the lake house again.  Waiting for you.  We knew you weren't physically real but we knew you weren't gone either.  We waited, as the sun began to set.  Brilliant colors filled the sky.  And we heard you laughing.  You were down by the brook so we ran down to see you.

You had this big smile on your face, and you were talking to John Outland.  You were wearing a red shirt, and you were glowing.  We called out to you and you walked to us, as we stood up on the hill in front of the house.  We were all so happy, and even though I wasn't supposed to be able to hug you, I did.  I remember how your shirt felt between my fingers.  How real it was.  How you were so bright, and happy.  How happy we all were.

Perhaps it was just a dream, but I believe it was something more.

I Promise

I'm going to make a promise today to myself and to you all, and I hope you can all join me in this promise:
 I promise that I will live each day as a gift
That I will treat my body as my temple
That I will love myself for who I am
and not strive to change who I truly am
on the inside.

 I will wake up each day appreciative
of who I am and where I am
Of my family of my friends

 That each day will be a gift
and I must live it for those
who came before me
who didn't quite make the journey
to where we are now

 I promise to live my life for you.

Millstone

"Tell me why I'm discontented
Will I die without the details in my hands?
I feel these vines surrounding my heart,
I fear I'm moving at a slower pace again
Tell me how this all unfolds

I can't find the secret to survive
To grow old safe and sound
life is sifting through like the sands in the hourglass
There's not a moment to relive my time and space
There's not a moment to undo anything

How could I have been this careless,
I fear I'm locked inside another cage again
Shake me from these torturous dreams where
I keep screaming
Can't see how to overcome"
 - excerpt from Millstone by Eisley

 I'm tired of feeling alone.
Of feeling that at the core... at the root of it all
we are all just alone,
 traveling this route until we're taken by death

 I found the book you read
So I read it and tried to think
what you were thinking
picture what you pictured

 Did you see yourself?
I tried to see you. It wasn't you though.
 You didn't die that death.
 I remember the pain you felt after losing your best friend.
You were so lost trying to lose yourself even more
 We were afraid for you.

I was terrified. I was selfish.

I wanted to fix you but maybe you weren't broken
maybe you were meant to show us something teach us all a lesson.
 That love isn't beating ourselves broken
but unconditional.

 I love you. I miss you. I shall see you in my dreams.

You, You would always see the signs
The echoes in my head they rhyme
I feel we never went at all
Tomorrow is another day
I don’t know when I’ll feel anymore
Feeling all this things before
And all that I would do

You, You would always see the signs
The echoes in my head they rhyme
I felt they never went home at all
Tomorrow is another day, that we need
I don’t know where I’ll be searching for, the things i’ve seen
And i’m a feeling all this things before I go through
All that I would do I do for you, ohhh

Round about, a quarter past
We rustle up all inside
Of everyone, and everything
That didn’t owe us too well
And in our hearts
The matter is, they know the reason too well
I heard the rain, it never came
When we oh oh oh

And i’d better get in control of this heavy vehicle
Or else i’ll go and then i’ll go and explode
To the place that I adore, seen places on the shore
Where’ve you been and where no sun is a sin

Been packing all night long, to get ready for some fun
And you go, and you go evermore
I hate feeling in control, I want someone else’s role
But i’m here and i’ll do anything

Together this is a heart attack, I’m gonna get off in a sec
But for now, i’m having way to much fun
To the place that I adore, Seen places on the shore,
Where did you go, and where did you go everyone?

Been packing all night long to get ready for some fun
And you go, and you go evermore
I hate feeling in control, I want someone else’s role
But i’m here and i’ll do anything


-

Another favorite song of mine.  
Makes me slow everything down
and just think
and breathe 

Reminds me of being a kid again.
Innocence 
Freedom
Purity

I miss the days when I could simply disappear
Now 
Someone is looking for me
no matter where I go.

I wish I could escape from this place
this world
get out of here
get out of everywhere
and find out what's beyond these Earthly walls

Perception

There is this world around me
that spins and spins
With a clock that
continuously ticks
and tocks

Reminding me
that there is no stopping
what has been in motion
for much too long now

And if Heaven is just in the next room
Why can we not see it?
Are we blind?
Or are we simply not perceiving
what is there...

Or what
if we're not looking at it
the right way?

In school we're told
"Don't be so close minded"
and to
"Be creative"

but when we stray from the path
pioneering our own way
we are criticized
looked at differently
subjected to a wide array of abuses
for not quite fitting in

We're becoming the complete opposite
of what we once dreamed of being
Why do we, instead of changing how we perceive others,
make our decision and judge each other
based on past events.

As children
the world was enormous
vast with adventure
filled with various kinds of life

...

Now it is a box
that confines me
traps me
tells me that my dreams are pointless
That nightmares are more likely to come true
They are.

I have a choice
and I choose
To open my eyes.