Heart frozen
in fear.

And yet,
the day still breaks.

I am drowning.

But I am fine.  

As I looked into your eyes
I saw a deep ache.
-a yearning for what was
and a hope
for what will never be.

And
For that
I am sorry.
I am so sorry
that so quickly
a lifetime is over.

That all the love in your heart
could not save him.
That all the love in my own heart
could not bring him back.

As I looked into your eyes
I saw a deep love.
A reflection
of those who have raised you
and those you have raised.

And
with that
you should feel pride
You should feel a deep pride
knowing that all that you have lived for
and all that you will die for
will culminate
and manifest
into love and life
everlasting.

And that
is not a something
for just anyone.

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” 

― Lemony Snicket in A Series of Unfortunate Events

As many know, I am Kirsten, Andy and Doloris' granddaughter, and the daughter of Rob and Sue.  Upon hearing the news of Pep's passing, I had to sit as I'm imaging many of you did.  This was something that I knew would happen eventually, as, at the risk of sounding too morbid, we all move on from this life and into whatever comes next at some point or another.  These last few years have been difficult years, in the sense that Pep had been in and out of the hospital.  Each time I would pray and hope that he would recover and get better.  Alas, we sit and stand here today knowing that Pep put up the good fight and fought until the end.

I would like to share my experience of being an adult with living grandparents:

To many of my friends, this is a foreign concept.  I'm not sure why, as it's a really amazing thing to have.  Getting to know Mem and Pep as mentors and friends, and not just my parents' parents has been a blessing.  Pep had been a flight engineer for the Navy, and Mem was a productive Navy wife actively involved in the Navy Wives Club.  My husband Sean, who could not be here today is an Army pilot, and I like to think of myself as a productive Army wife involved in the Family Readiness Group. Of the times that we shared with Mem and Pep, Sean and I could only talk about how much we aspire to be like them one day.

The thing that I love about Mem and Pep is that you can tell that they loved each other dearly.  I loved listening to Pep start giving Mem a hard time while driving and Mem turning and saying, "You are being such a pill!" and Pep letting out a grunt in opposition. As a little girl, he used to call me the Quin which made me so angry because, "No Pepe, it's QUEEN!"   I love that Pep was so creative, and intelligent.  I remember the little things he would make for me.  He put together my 3rd grade school project for Charlotte's Web and you best believe that I won first place.  He made a basketball court for my basketball barbies that I received one year for Christmas.  All the doll houses and Christmas Villages, and the train sets; and all the times that he and my dad were putting this or that together.  The are so many memories I could share about Pepe.

So many good memories.

I will miss that smirk he got on his face when he thought he was being clever, or that nonstop shake in his neck.  I'll miss sitting at a restaurant and him blowing his straw wrapper at me or mem.  I'll miss hearing, "Hello, my girl." whenever I call or visit.  I'll miss sharing wine coolers and military stories while playing dominos.  Most importantly, I'm going to miss his love and support.

Thank you all for coming and paying your respects to the wonderful man Pepe was.

From Up On High

From up on high
upon these tall shoulders
I feel invincible
as I dig my small fingers
into my father's hair.

He protests
and
I just laugh.

But had I known
that my last
shoulder ride
was going to be my last
I would have
laughed longer
and objected at every moment
my father tried to pull me down.

I would have held on
for dear life
and asked for another ride
tomorrow

But it's funny how
we never think
it's going to be
the last time
Until it's
long
been
over.

Rain

The rain falls quietly from outside my window.
Like a child with nothing else to do,
I watch in sheer boredum
My mind wandering through its own thoughts
Dog snuggled up to my side
as I lay on this small bed.

It's cool outside these days,
as winter approaches
with no regard for
our quite obvious objections.

It seems as though
Fall has just begun
and yet,
the trees are almost barren
and the air smells
of earthly decay.

The window pane is cool
to the touch
and fogs up
as I exhale
from a deep breathe.

I cannot help but wonder
what there is outside of all of this.
Outside of this house,
and out in the rain.
Out beyond this small town
beyond the greatest of oceans.

My dog nozzles her head against my leg
as I realize I've been clutching her for warmth.

My eyes  follow a leaf falling slowing despite
being beaten down by the rainfall
until it rests
easily
on the softened
ground.

The Boy

Once upon a time,
I met a boy who made me laugh
and made me think.

He was kind.
He was so very kind.

We spent our time
walking
and playing
in the forest
and by the stream.

This boy,
He looked past my obvious flaws
and I,
past his.

His smile,
-his face
was beautiful.

I still picture him,
the sun shining off his hair,
and the light
reflecting wonderfully
from his eyes.

We were innocent,
you see.
We were pure in our motives.
-We were friends.

Until we were not.

Until one day
I realized that what I felt for him
was more than friendship,
it was love.

And what a terrifying realization
that was.

To know
that in my hands
there was the heart of a boy
whom I quite clearly loved
and whom had loved me all along.

How nerve wracking.

It frightened me to know
that my heart had found what it desired
so soon.
-mayhap too soon.

But you know
that I ran.

I ran as fast
and as far as I could.

Until
there was nowhere left to run
except back home into his arms.

-

Once upon a time,
I met a boy
A dear and kind boy.

And I have loved him
ever since.

Hands tremble,
shaking in fear

Has it always been this way?
-Broken?

As I reach to pick up
the shattered glass pieces,
a pain shoots up
through my finger
up into my heart.

Now there is even more 
of a mess to clean up.

I love him

like the breeze loves

the ocean

Ebbing 

and flowing

across the white peaks

down through the deep valleys

Gently 

Ferociously 

As

the waves 

crash down 

over me.

Of every beautiful thing

that I have ever seen

-that has ever existed-

I take a deep breath

I peer on 

Bewildered

-Why?

And for what end?

Was this all some sick joke?

And I the victim of a cruel joke?

He laughs with the same vigor he did before

booming

and crashing down with a ferocity

unbeknownst to my fellow beings

The cruelest joke

is that you will never understand.

I blink

He is gone

The wind tears wildly with the waves crashing

all around me

as I stand on this stone jetty 

alone.

I guess I always knew that.

I watch on 

with eager eyes

as the universe

consumes me.

Free floating

without direction

into the open ocean.

Stars dance across

the drawn out sky

-effortlessly

Water caressing 

my skin

gently

as I float

into 

my 

own

oblivion.

-Into

the universe

unfolding

before 

me. 

Opened eyes.
Tired minds.

It all blends to be
the same.

Long days
short days

-But what does it matter?
As long as I've got you.
I've got something
-No
Someone
to hold onto.


Weary bones
Inside jokes.

My heart smiles
at the sound
of your voice.

Tell me
Life won't always
be like this?

Or that it will be
and that we will fall asleep
at the end of hard days
wrapped tightly
within each others arms
As we look forward
to the better days ahead.

Tell me
-
Tell me there is something more
for us.

Answers

Within the darkness
my eyes search
for the answers
my mind asks
of the universe

-

The vast emptiness
always seems
to astonish me
as if it would be
the first time
my heart
has felt this way.

As if
it is the first time
that I have fallen
to my knees
in anguish
and despair
asking,
"Why, God?
Why?"

~

He refuses to answer
when he knows
you place no trust in him.

Funny how that works.

~

In my hand
I hold a smooth,
flat rock.

I grip it just right,
Lean back.
And whip it out with the flick
of my wrist.

As it glides out
into the rough waters.

Skipping


Once


Twice

Three times-

and it is gone.

~

That must be my answer.

Can You Hear Me

All of these familiar faces
-Again.

I close my eyes
and try to think 

I wonder-
Can you hear me?

"Can you hear me?"
I scream until my throat is raw
and my lungs are heavy.

Lord  knows
we have stood together like this
too many times.

Heads bowed.
Soft smiles
hiding the pain
that you can only feel
after losing one
whom you've loved
so very much.

My heart weeps
-for you.
-for us.
-for the fresh wound
cut open
once again

Standing here
on the edge of the world
before
your vacant body
I scream
within myself
Move!
Do something!

To the outside world
-I cry.
I mourn
that which I can never have
again.

~

My thoughts race
as I close my eyes
in the dead of night.

Can you 
hear me?

Please.

Hear me.

I will remember this moment

for the rest of my life

As I look out

at the bright moon

kissing the roaring waves.

Nothing.

Nothing will ever compare.

The mysteries of the universe debated by drunken druids of the night

Children of the moon,
we dance
we frolic
in the waves of night
crashing
softly on the disappearing sand

We laugh
and howl
like primitive animals
as we look outwards
at the light fading
in and out
of the dark clouds

As we look for ourselves
within the salty water
half-tempted to let it drag me back
in

And as we laugh,
and then fall,
knees crashing into the hard sand
we feel no pain
we laugh and keep falling
like a toddler learning how to walk

-It is beautiful.

Nothing seems to make much sense

Days are dizzying


Thoughts on our outcome
leave me numb

My heart aches with a familiar pain
longing for a place to call home
but you've long since left
Leaving me to drown on my own

But don't you worry

I am
Fine.
Just
Fine.

Water filling my lungs
-I go under.

I'm well practiced
in drowning.

Onward and upward

The wind blows softly
-the song
it is one that
I used to sing

Why do we do this
to ourselves?

I sit up at night
reciting the words
by heart
with all my heart

But I know
Beyond the shadow
of a doubt

That you're not real.
And if you are,
you stopped caring
a long time ago.

Empty Spot

I rise with the sun like I used to

feeling the empty spot 

beside me.

Within me.

It reminds me 

of how things used to be.

How they will be

from now on.

But then again,

It's not the first time.

The Long Road Home

We linger a little longer

than we used to.

Tasting the words we speak 

as if they are the last words

we will ever hear 

We feel the world around us

as if we are children

and have no fear 

of the wounds 

which have afflicted us

all of these long years.

We linger

a little longer

than 

we used to

Reminiscing on the 

"good times"

and the
"remember when"'s 

Tasting the tears

as they roll down

our cheeks,

only to fall from our aged faces.

Feeling each moment

as if it is our last
Each embrace stronger
than the last
The feeling of
"Will this be it, then?"
Haunting our goodbyes.

We
linger
A
little
Longer
than
We
used
To.

We dance together

in a vacant silence

that sits uncomfortably 

between the silhouettes 

of our aging bodies. 

A paralyzing fear
An unanswered phone call
And a door left open.
-
Oh,
how angry
the thunder
trembles.

A lasting memory from India

The fire cackles with a gentle ferocity

that comforts my aching soul.

Feeling alone

As I sit in the valley
carved out
by the ancient Ganges.  

And as I look out into the universe

I cannot help but wonder

Are you looking at the same sky?

I cannot help but wonder
where within the constellations
we seem to fit.

Our childhood is fleeting away
from us
at a speed
I can't seem to calculate.

Falling Backwards

The leaves
Fall
          In a pattern
almost
            familiar
But not
      quite
right.

And I cannot help
but to ask myself...


                         Am I
truly
         losing 
everything?


-
The leaves

Oh,
      How
they
                 Fall.

The world crashes down around us
as we watch with crooked smiles
and bare bones.

The sun slips through the towering

trees

and sparkles light down on us

gracefully.

Your fingers

grasp mine

with a boyish 

clumsiness 

but gently.

I was shy

and you were 

too sarcastic

We dance with 

the thought that 

we don't deserve the other

through the colored leaves

that decorate the forest floor

The scattered light

catching your eyes and hair

like the most beautiful thing

I had ever seen

I think to myself

I hope

-I pray

that I never forget this moment.

And I smile.

Quite often

we forget

the sounds

that speak 

most clearly

to our starving

souls. 

...

I stand alone,
in the middle of this desolate meadow
letting the rain
wash me clean.

To scream
to the Heaven's
Why are you doing this to me?
Would only make things worse.

For I know
that no one
will answer me.

The Beautiful Life

We sit alone
listening to the waves roll in
as our fingers and toes
dig into the soft sand

The fading sun
reflecting
a world so beautiful
from your hazel eyes.

I watch
with awe and wonder.

How lucky I must be
to have found someone
so lovely
so lively
to love me

I smile,
and laugh to myself
while shaking my head.

What a beautiful day.
Such a beautiful life. 

To Know (Without Knowing)

When I met you
I knew
without knowing
that our time together
would be short.

That together
we would burn brighter
than even our sun

but that eventually
our light would burn out
and that
you would move on.

I could see it
without seeing
your expression
when you told me
that everything
was
fine.

I could hear it
when your heart broke
and I helped
to wipe away
your silent tears.

And yet
I told myself
-foolishly-
that I was wrong
and that you
Of all the people
whom I have met in this world
were the one
that knew my soul
spoke
to my heart
and sparked my curiosity.

How interesting
How peculiar, really,
that friendship
feels so much like love
but the loss
in many ways
hurts

far worse.  

Rose Colored Glasses

The easy Spring breeze
smells of fresh flowers,
and wild grass.

I sit, overlooking the winding stream.
The water gliding over the rocks
rounded with time and erosion.

And as I eye my own reflection,
I cannot help but think of this place.
Home.
Here in an open meadow,
beside the small stream.

Through my rose colored glasses
it is the most beautiful painting
of them all.
A painting
that I hope to one day
create.

Meadow Stream

by T. C. Chiu

The Ticking Clock

Uneasily,
my feet guide me
                      towards the front of the room.

Swallowing hard,
my fears
             anxieties
the grief.

My eyes scan the crowd before me
and despite all that I feel
-I smile

My heart
heavy in my chest
while tears hide behind my eyes

"Andrew-"
Your name slips from between my lips

And somehow
Time passed on.

The Calm Sea

His tender eyes
meet mine
and
just like that
              I am lost
on a calm sea.



A pallet of the shades of blue
surrounding me
as I am met
                    by the golden sun
                     kissing my fair skin.

His brown hair
tossed lightly
            with the rolling waves
and soft breeze.

His skin soft
rubbed smooth by the salty air.

In his arms
          I melt
back into the child
Who I once was.

The Pouring Rain

Rain pours 

                     down.

Over

          Me.

The thunder roars

as lightning illuminates the sky.  

Water dripping down my cold face.

                           I cannot help but shiver

As I think of the road home

and how far I have left

                                     To go.

Mother told me once

to never fear the dark

and yet,

       as the sky fades back to its dark pitch

the ghosts crawl out from their hiding places

-How I wish to be alone.  

My heart,

It pains me.

The grief.

The absurdity of it all.

Rain pours

down.

                       Over

              Me.

The leaves fall with a gentle ease
              -a certain grace
Leaving their old post
behind

As they venture out
into the great unknown
              towards their
certain death.