Thoughts to Sleep On

Quite often I wonder
who I am
and who I am to become.

The thought of my future
is a terrifying one.

It is too easy to sit here
and ponder our existence.

But to commit and grow...
that is something new entirely.

I like the emptiness of my days
I enjoy the quiet when I rest my head
on my pillow
before
my eyes
slowly
slide
shut.

If only to fly

Upon this cloud
I rest my head
The wind rushing
through my hair
behind my ears
caressing my body
with a coarse tenderness

It howls
longingly
Or so I assume

-maybe it is
only my heart-
Beating loud
as thunder
roaring
in the near distance

One, two, three...

The echo rolls across the lake 
close by
and in through the cracked window

Quite often I would wish upon a star
but when my innocence was shatter I grew up
I lost that blind innocent faith
That there was someone
larger than life
who could save
my shattered soul.

The heavens all around me
And I realize
this is no heaven,
but a dream
And no matter how hard I pray
you will never
come home
No matter how hard I cry out
in the middle of the aching night
You will not run to me
like you once did.

You are gone.

-
Upon this cloud
I wait for the world
to pass me by
in hopes
that someday
I will jump
and die 
only to fly

You look out your window
at the rain
pouring down
-heavy drops
weighing
down on the
soaked soil

Feeling the
heaviness
seep
into
your heart.

The years have molded and changed us into different people
than we once were
but still
I believe in you
and your heart.

My heart fades into the night
consumed by the universe.

The stars shining down
brilliantly,
Dancing through
the thick tree cover.

The light of the moon
guiding me home.

My hands
reach out
high above my head

The darkened sky
a mirror image
of my shining eyes.

As I quietly whisper,
"Take me home."

Left.

There are certain things
that I don't talk about

At least not
anymore.

But sometimes
I need to break the silence.

-

My brother
is gone.

Gone from this world.
Forever.

I look into my father's eyes
and see the tears
Waiting to fall.

I listen to my mother's voice
crack with each word
and the pain behind her laughter.

I sit on the edge of the world
struggling with my own depression
and sometimes I wish someone
would reach out
and save me.

Most days are better
than others

But it's when the silence creeps in
that my demons decide to play.

My little brother asking
if he's in Heaven
My older brother battling
demons of his own.

We're broken.
And I deny my own pain.

I swallow it up
until it devours me

-

The day breaks
My feet dangle in thin air
The breeze caressing my face.

I'm just sitting here
on the edge of the world

Waiting for the pain
to take me away.
Waiting for the depression
to swallow me whole.

And nobody knows.

Nobody feels the ache in my heart.

-
Why did you have to go?

Surrounded by new faces
Unfamiliar
I scratch at my throat

I itch in my seat
My feet tap impatiently.

Consumed within the madness
I close my eyes.

-Release-

A quiet meadow
Only the sound of a small stream
and birds chittering away.

Tall grass surrounds me
and nearby I am encircled
by looming trees.

My lungs fill themselves
And then
I exhale

-Eyes Open-

Blank spaces in time.

Quite often.

Silenced heart.

And they ask me,
"Who are you?"

I respond,
"I am not certain.
-I do not belong here.
And I fear
that I must be going now."

Staring up at the night sky
Counting each
and every
star

Silenced
as my heart
reaches out
into the expansive universe

The warmth of your memory

Guided by your spirit
into the darkness
towards the blinding light

My breath stops
center in my chest

The light within my eyes
flickering
As I feel the cosmos
wrapping their fingers around me

The soft blades of grass
act as a bed

Heart beat slows.
I exhale a heavy breath.

Until I am
consumed
into the painted black sky.

Tonight

I will be honest with you.

I miss you 

so much 

that it physically hurts.

So much 

that some days

I feel like

I could fall apart

piece by piece.

But I take that torment

and I swallow it up

like I'm fine

just fine.

And I smile.

But there are days when

I feel like I could just

throw up all back 

up.

We don't forget.

We simply cannot.

We lay awake at night,
our eyes closed
but our minds opened
reaching out for each other.

Nearly reaching
but not nearly enough.

-

I awaken.
Alone.

Her heart lay in front of her
exposed for all the world
to peer at
to see

Silence fills the house.
Not a creak
not a peep
Just the sound of my heart
beating
sounding out
to find you.

Breathless

My heart aches out in the night
for your touch.

How much has been left unsaid
in the short waking hours
in which our souls tangle
and weave
until departing
into the darkening sky.

Tonight,
I lay hear
breathless.

Down this Road Alone

The silence fills this house
like something fierce

and yet
all I can do
is listen
and hear your voice
booming through
my hollow bones

And yet
All I can do
is sit here
waiting
for when
you come home.

On Giving Up

Seated on the edge of the Earth
With nowhere else to go.

The words they spoke
branded on my arms
like a badge of a tragedy.

And there is nowhere left to go from here.

Oh,

how the fire burns 

me

How the fire 

licks at my skin

like a feverous 

animals.

How I am lost

within

the flames.

I watch hours
tick on by
and it's been
months
since
I last did cry
Oh,
where did you
go
where did you
go
when I needed you
so

My heart is
shattered
broken into
millions
of tiny
scattered
pieces

And there is nothing
either one of us can do
to repair
this ache
except the
truth.

All that I wanted
was
to
love
you.

And suddenly
She awoke.

Her world
set ablaze.

To be young

 I wake
in the morning sun

Sleepy
but
alive

His hand
resting
on my
rising
chest.

And it is
so easy.

To forget
how this feels

To be young
and in love
with someone
so beautiful.

Like the first day of Spring.
The flowers blossoming with a crisp
sense of being.
Small crystals of dew
falling urgently
to the moistened ground
As the morning turns
to noon

He is the warmth
in my small
but beating heart.

And he knows it.

He is the first fire
of summer.
Set ablaze with passion,
consuming the death of yesterday
so I could look onto
a lively tomorrow.

To be young
and in love
with someone
so beautiful.

The sun rests her head
as the moon takes flight.
And the stars
dance for all the world
to watch and adore.

My heart sings
with joy
a sweet melody
that rocks him
into a deep sleep.

It is him
my heart yearns
to keep.

Creature

The sky 

is falling down on us

As Spring 

fades

into a blistering 

Summer.

Each day

longer 

than 

the 

last.

But he is leaving 

much too soon.

My heart transcends 

into the madness.

-I give up my soul

to the all knowing

Universe.

Who am I 

but a creature

of habit?

His presence surrounds me

as pure as 

the day we first met.

That is all I have 

to hold on to.  

They say I am among the lucky ones.

So why then

must I fear the unknown? 

I wish I could tell you the fear in my heart.

The memories
flooding into my vision
with the force of a waterfall

Hollow
heart
beating
on
hallowed
ground.

The days
grow
longer.

Spinning

in circles

like I'm lost

and this world

is far too much

to handle.

But how do I tell him

that I need him?

That I am drowning slowly

and need a hand to save me.

How do I tell you?

That each breath

feels like my last.

I am all choked up on

each and every goodbye

Because some days I wish

I had the courage to mean it.  

To let it go.  

To Breathe

My heart
crushes me.

I cannot breathe.

And yet again
I'm all choked up.

Staring the lie
right in the eyes
wondering
if I'll make it out
of this
alive.

There is no running
no,
not this time.

I've been running
for far too long.

If only I could breathe.

God.

If only I could
breathe.

I was among the greats long forgotten in a list of could-have-beens.

Looking Up From Below

I don't think
that I can ever go back.

It is not like I don't want to.

I just shouldn't.

I am a new person,
someone different
from the one I used to know.

I don't think
that I will ever go back.

It is too much pain
too much to go through again.

And if you could see
how much my heart bleeds
for you

You would understand.

I can never go back.
Not ever.

I remind myself
that this is the same place
that we used to share
but now
I am not so sure.

Without your presence
it feels all wrong
-empty

Returning to a painting
to see the focal point is gone

Reading an old book
to discover the main character
was left out.

A long ago memory
without anyone
to share it with.

But I remind myself
This is where we once
called "home".

Salvation.

Lost

with no thought

of coming 

back.

Lost 

with no hope

of being

saved.

Lost.

Just lost

in this world

without

a place

to call 

home.

The day is young

as am I.

But I know now

more than ever

that I existed

in a previous time.

I am not meant 

for this strange land.  

The Best Day

Like a child
Wild eyes
Frantic breathing
Smile dancing
on soft lips

Rediscovering the world
for what feels to be
the first time

Sunlight
beating down
Caught in the ever flowing
breeze

The forest air
-Fresh
Breathe

Like a child
Wild eyes
Light-hearted laughter
Dizzying spinning
as the world
passes by.

Exploring every nook
every cranny
Playing in the clear streams
Drenched in sweat
and pure joy

Submerged in
endless
Freedom.

Like a child
returning
to the Forest.  

There are moments when I forget
to breathe

And then there are moments
when I choose
not to.

Life Lines

Can anyone hear me?

The street lights glow
in our nightly absence

The universe shines
brilliantly

Knowing no one sees
her beauty.

I am a creature
of habit
I am a creature
of the night.

Distance

Lights
flicker
on
and
off
somewhere
not too far off
in the near
distance

My eyes flutter
fighting off
the inevitable sleep

The cosmos blend together
the stars
collide into one

The night sky becomes
a smeared painting
A window
into another universe

My heart yearns
to go back home
but my body
drifts off
into
a
soft
slumber

...
Is there anyone out there?
...

The silence is unbearable.

I reach for your hand,
knowing full well
it isn't there.

Just one of those nights
that I need you more
than others.

But maybe
when I drift off
into the land of dreams
I will come
face to face
with you.

And we will smile.
Our hearts
will
intertwine
by their rhythmic beating
and once again
we will
be
one.

Catching Up To You

It is in the night's darkest hours

That I come to life.

Watching the stars dance 

in and out of eyes reach

Watching the world 

close her eyes 

and fade out.

I imagine that you are here

running the streets with me

as I glide like a ghost

between street lamps

and the black pitch 

of night.

I hold your heart

close to mine

as I lay in the cool grass

-eyes to the sky-

imagining that you

are gazing at the same

universe 

My body shifting comfortably 

as the nighttime lullaby 

rocks me into a light sleep.

Dreaming of your being.

I cannot shake this thought

that we must be connected 

on a subconscious level

and that you see what I see

you feel what I feel

I am 

who you are.

But surely I will never know.

The first ray of sunlight

wakes me.

I gather myself back into the darkness,

and glide back home

as if guided by your soul.

Starlight

guide me

through the darkest

of nights.

Guide me

to my 

heavenly 

home.

Embrace me

as I succumb 

to your grace. 

Rest.

Tonight
I write

to the broken.

to the beaten.

to the Damned.

But most importantly...
-
To the survivors.



A cursed community
living in the shadows.
Among the liars,
the cheaters,
and the dead.

This world is too much for us.
And as such,
let us rest easily
in our eternal bed.

Rest in peace those we have lost.
Rest those who remain. 

Stained Glass Memories

The moment I realized

That I cared

more than you ever did

was the moment 

I bit my tongue

and wished

to go back.

Oh how we hold onto 

past memories 

like precious stained glass

I look out into the universe 

for someone 

for somethign

to tell me

You really cared.

 

But truly

All I have to do

is think back

to our last moments 

to know

you never did.  

And that's called moving on.

Lifeless

And suddenly

He breathes.

The torment will never cease.

The fear grows

in my fading

hours.

Fated

Hours continue to pass.
Another day faded into the past.

How many more must we lose?

Lift my chin.
Open my eyes.
I  cannot run from fate.

Insanity has a way of seeping under your skin
and into your mind
when you're not looking.

Like something of a nightmare
it comes to you
when you least expect it.

While you are at your most comfortable

It takes you
like a thief
in the night.

Come morning
your family
is left
picking up the pieces
that lay before them.

Shattered.

Hurt.

I take this hurt
and I write it down
for the world to read
knowing full well
that they won't.

I take this hurt
and I set fire to it.
Hoping,
watching
in anticipation
that it catches
and burns
with a passion so bright
I could move an audience
to tears.
to revolution.

I take this hurt
and cry it out.
The heart wrenching
pain.

Another soul.
Too young.
Is lost.

One heart stops.
I wonder
Those final moments.

How wild the fire cries.