Confessions

I think it's time to get something off my chest.
You know me fairly well.
You know me
then you know my writing.

Then you wonder who I really am.

I am genuinely happy
I am genuinely sad.

I struggle everyday figuring out who I am
and who I want to be.

I have my own demons.
But I also have my God to guide me.

I have  nightmares
but I also have beautiful dreams
of Heaven, and the future.
Of different times
and different places
Familiar voices
Familiar faces.

My writing always seems so sad
I know that.

But writing is my escape
and my release.

If I weren't to write my darkest thoughts
they would consume me
and sometimes they do.

I am a lucky girl.
I have a loving husband
and family that supports and tries to understand me.

There have been weeks on end when I couldn't sleep,
and if I could,
it was on a couch at midday.

There have been long nights when I would get so worked up from crying
that in the morning
It would feel as if I ran a marathon
and then was beaten with bricks.

But during those nights,
Sean would sit beside me and talk to me
and listen
and try to heal my bleeding wounds.

I still think back to the day Andrew died,
it was the day before Sean's birthday.

It was a rainy Friday.
I was up early to babysit for a friend
and when I got home,
Sean hugged me and told me to call my mom.
When she didn't answer
and he told me to sit down...
he didn't have to say anything else.
I knew my world was changing
was crashing down on me.

He told me,
held me,
and listened
as time stopped

As a kid, I looked up to Andrew.
He was Nannoo, Andoo, Androol
He was my big brother.

Everything he wanted to do,
I dreamed of doing.

When you discover someone's demons...
do you face then or do you run?

I faced his and they almost destroyed me,
but as I grew older,
I came to better understand

Sometimes I wish I was left in the dark,
not knowing what he faced
but other times
I thank that moment
for shaping me into who I am today.

As he changed,
I missed who he used to be.
I still do.

It still hurts missing him.

I am a genuinely happy person.
And a genuinely sad person.
I am human.

I have the face I wear outside,
and then I have who I am deep down.

Deep down I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here.
It's going to take some writing, tears, prayers, and hard work to move on from here
but I am faithful that I will make it
to where I want to be.

I have my dreams to inspire me.
My prayers to guide me
and my family to love me.

Today might be dark,
but it's brighter than yesterday,
and tomorrow can only be better.

I Speak Your Name, I Hear Your Voice

I speak your name

I swear

I hear your voice

Never will I lose you

Never will I leave you

My brother

You are here in my heart

I speak your name

I see your face

Your freckles 

Strawberry red hair

Blue eyes

Your deep smile lines

from twenty-four years

of laughing and loving

and living

I speak your name

and I swear

I hear your voice

See your face

Feel your arms around me

Never will I forget you

My brother

My son

My nephew 

My cousin

Most importantly

My friend

And if you ever think to go,

I beg of you to

Protect me from the demons 

That haunt me in my dreams.

Be my angel,

Be my guardian angel.

Watch out for us all.  

I've been torturing myself daily just to push the thought of you out of my mind.
Just to put myself to sleep at night.

I am so, so tired.
My body aches from being torn apart
and putting itself back together again.

Late at night,
I search the stars in my ceiling for an answer.

So delusional from the pain
that I can make beauty out of
anything.

If you're hurting from your heart
may as well make it real.

I love you all. I love you the most.

                                                                 "Lost Enemies"

Sacred machines, they fill the air.
Lost enemies, wandering where?

If I can see the light in your eyes,
then I won't die, then I won't die.
If I can see the light in your eyes,
then I won't die, then I won't die.

So glad we came, I have heard, I have heard it's said that
You are a dancing prude who would save the world in 33.

If I can see the light in your eyes,
then I won't die, then I won't die.
If I can see the light in your eyes,
then I won't die, then I won't die.

Break into the outer world, child, child.
Break into the outer world, child, child.

Mother must go now, now she is lonely.
She will be here by your side.
Mother must go now, now she is lonely.
She will be here don't you cry.

"Did you decide to wake up? Wake up."
Now we wake up.
"Did you decide to wake up?"
Wake, wake, wake, wake, wake up.

If I can see the light in your eyes,
then I won't die, then I won't die.
If I can see the light in your eyes,
then I won't die, then I won't die.

"Did you decide to wake up? Wake up."
Now we wake up.
"Did you decide to wake up?"
Wake, wake, wake, wake, wake up.
Wake, wake, wake, wake, wake up here.

Mother, don't go out. Mother, don't go out.

I recently bought the new Eisley cd and have found every song has a different meaning to me.  

If I can see the light in your eyes,
then I won't die, then I won't die

For the week after Andrew passed away, I was looking for an answer or a meaning for it all.  I had even convinced myself that he would just open his eyes and it would all be a huge joke.  The worst part being that it's not a joke, but a sickening reality.

Losing Andrew has been a nightmare.  It has been 4 months and 2 days.  I feel like I'm stuck in a time warp that whips me around showing me the best memories of my life, then tearing them apart at the seams when I'm reminded that they are no more.  

We used to talk like old friends.  Seeing you, no matter the circumstances, was good.  We'd go months without talking sometimes but you always told me everything.  We were so different.  You made me who I am.  Sometimes that angers me, you made me hate you at times. But I can only thank you now.

There are only a few ways to scare a kid out of ever doing something.  Andrew was an amazing role model in a way that doesn't make sense to most people.  We had a silent understanding that Josh and I were never to do what Andrew did.  He smoked, we never will.  He was an alcoholic, we'll only enjoy a couple drinks.  He lost himself in the drug world, we would never enter it.  But while he taught us everything to not do, we couldn't save him from himself.  He didn't want to be saved.  Or rather, he did.  The Andrew that was left in there wanted to escape his demons so badly that in order to do so, he had to escape this life.

No, he didn't commit suicide.  It was all a huge misunderstanding.  It was a giant mistake.  He would take it all back if he could.  Wouldn't he?  He loved us all.  Of course he would.  

A few days ago, a friend of mine texted me regarding church.  I'll be honest, I haven't been to church in months.  I believe myself to be a Christian however, I'm sick and tired of churches dictating how you believe and what you believe.  I'm tired of being told that if you don't go to church that you're not a good Christian.  

Long story short, my friend said how terrible it must be to have a spouse who doesn't encourage you to go, especially after losing Andrew.  

Sean might not be into going to church, but he has never discouraged me.  I have always felt closer to God outside while worshiping on my own, than inside a stuffy church.  Everyone has different experiences, however mine wasn't one that I would ever like to relive.  

Right now, I am happy with my relationship with God.  I have been soul searching for a few months and came to enlightenment regarding my beliefs.  And I'm happy for it.  I don't want to ruin that happiness.

Sean has been here for me in my worst moments.  He has comforted me through the nights when I could only cry. He has lifted me when I was too weak to stand.  He scared my demons away and protected me through the darkest of nights.  

Losing Andrew is difficult on multiple levels.  On the nights that I can sleep, I have nightmares.  On the days that I can hold it together, he's still there in the back of my mind.  I told myself that I have to be strong for everyone else.  That I can wear a smile even though my world seems to have been torn apart.  I am better than this.  

My best friend and my worst enemy.  

How do you continue on when the world is flipped upside-down?

You just keep walking.  If you can't walk, then you crawl.  

And if you can't crawl,

you drag yourself

towards salvation.

And so
I'm here
now

Heart in my hands

Time seems to disappear
The thought of you
brings me to another time
another place

You were different
once

Before the lying
the running away
and the drugs
and the alcohol

Before you slipped away
into a person I couldn't recognize

I miss your smile
the way the sun
would reflect off your hair
glimmering
...
beautiful.

How you would talk to me
like I was the only person in the world
as if I knew you completely
no lies.

I did.
I know no more.

Tell me where I am
as I drift into this strange
dreamworld
as I remember
who I am
as reality fades
and all I can see is you.

You are my shelter.

Silence and sorrow
flow through my aching veins.

Never a day passes when you're not on my mind
but everyone else seems fine.

I wear my smile
like my finest dress

It's getting worn out quickly
It's tearing at the seams

Sometimes...

Sometimes I pray to a God who hasn't listened
for much too long

I pray to him and beg forgiveness.
I beg for him to hear me.

Days like today
the darkness comes creeping in
from all corners of this room

Tired of running from this pain
Tired of pretending that I'm okay

I'm not fragile,
You can't break
what's already broken.

And losing you




Shattered me.

Waking Up

Darkness fills the room,
Flowing like a ghost
Creeping
like a spider

Eyes clenched closed
Blanket over the head
Hiding from the reality that awaits.

It is awful
how empty this house feels
and you were never here.

The air is bitter cold
The invisible monsters surround
on all sides

Hands rolled into small fists
Each breath shorter than the last
Heart trembling

Silent tears
Silent prayers

-

I awake to a bright sun.
No one would ever guess the night terrors that stalk me.
But courage comes from the heart.

Not a needle

Your invisible monsters are haunting me now.
I will battle until I'm blue from death.

I thought I had all the answers.  That I was doing good.  Doing right.
Then I woke up.
And you were gone.

Stop.
Breathe.
Close my eyes.
Hold my breath.

Sink into the nothingness.

Dear Andrew,

The world just feels so empty without you.

I went sometimes months at a time without hearing from you, but you were always there.  I knew you were there and that was enough.  We all worried, but the inevitable seemed impossible.

Everyday is different.  Every day is a challenge, but I'd be damned if I didn't admit that it's still my gift from God to start over new.

Some days it feels like the hole in my heart is healing, but right now, I think it's simply bleeding out slowly.

I miss you.  Your red hair that seemed to shine brighter than the sun.  How your laugh could lift the spirit in any room.  You never knew what you had planned, but that was all part of your plan.  And how you were there for so many people.  You were so selfless.

But no one is perfect,
and I suppose that's why I'm mourning rather than sitting, laughing with you while you're visiting.  You can't visit anymore.  There's no more "See you later."  No more "Bye, love you."

I can't believe that was the one time I forgot to say it, and the last time I spoke to you.

It's as though the universe was trying to tell me something
but I ignored the warnings and continued on like there was nothing wrong.

Some days I feel like I'm drowning.
Like I've taken in too much water and it's only a matter of time before I sink below the surface.
Damn,
My poker face has gotten better.  Most people don't even ask about it anymore.
By it, I mean you.

Everyone else can move on.  I don't want to. As soon as I do, that means this is real.  I don't want it to be.
I don't want to lose my big brother.  Who'd steal soup for me.  Who'd make up a story to cheer me up.  Who'd make future plans with me, even if we weren't sure if they'd even pan out.

You're not gone though.  One day I will find you.

When I feel that I am not alone, I will turn and you'll be by my side.  We'll laugh because I'll have known it was true all along.  The hole in my heart will have been mended.

To forgive doesn't mean to forget.  It means to understand, and continue living.  I can forgive everything, but this.  I guess I'll just need some time.

I love you.

Love,
Boo

To Feel Safe

At night,
when I lie with you
I feel so safe.

Like nothing in this world would ever hurt me
Could ever hurt me.

As if...
In this moment,
I am invincible
because you
are my savior

You are the one
who has pulled me
from the darkness
and lifted me
towards the light

Who has fought my demons
Bandaged my wounds
and
Set me free

If I could love you more
You would be God himself
You are my blessing in disguise

You are my God.

Today was a beautiful day.

It was a happy day.

And even though the thought of you 

looms in the back of my mind

today was a day

that I could smile and it feel genuine. 

I love my life.

I love my family.

I love my friends.

I love you

and even though you're gone

You're with me every day.

Sometimes the hole

that you left in my heart

hurts more 

than others

But I know 

That one day it will heal over

and all that will be left

is a scar

to remind me

that there will be better days

The Beginning

There are times when I am ready to feel strong.

Not like I'm being beaten down by this grief.

But being held up by the belief

that one day I will indeed

see you again

That I will escape from this world

unbound

and free.

Tell me, brother...

is Heaven all that it's chalked up to be?

I imagine it is.

There are times when I feel so distraught and sad

lonely

weak 

and tired

And so 

I cry.

For what feels like forever

until I know that no matter how much more I cry

it will not change a damn thing.

I'm reminded that I'm not alone in this grief

by the midnight phone call

listening to him sobbing 

saying how much he misses you.

What do I tell them?

If I'm not strong, what will they be

if they're already crumbling?

I'm strong enough to know this is not the end

but indeed

a strange

and lonesome

beginning