Tacenda

I've called myself
The Silent Spirit

But I suppose I never
did explain
why.

I assume most everyone
knows
me.

My history.

My reasoning for why
I keep
so much
bottled up
on the
inside.

Or even
that they
know.

I assume
that you
deep
down
are just
like
me.

I assume that
you put on a facade
each and every day
pretending
that you are the strong and fierce
person
that you project yourself to be
but deep down
the guilt and pain
of losing what you love
cuts you to the core
until it all causes you to
crumble
and lay in a dull ache.

I assume that as the hours
fade into the blinding night
you lay awake
and count your sins
accusing yourself
of certain treacheries.

I assume that
at your core
you are just a frightened child
afraid of what
comes
next
damaged by what came before.

I assume that
you question your every action
uncertain of your decisions
crippled by the fear of disappointing
those you dearly love.

I assume that
your smile is probably fake
because your eyes are all too telling
of the pain you hide inside.

I assume that
you once had a person
so beloved to you
that you would do anything for
but that person turned
and stabbed a knife
right through your heart
and that many nights
when your guilt turns to
dreams
you dream of said person
and the friendship you
thought you had.

And mayhap
in my assumption
I was wrong.

But that
-that my dear friend,
is why I
am
The Silent Spirit.

-

She whispered Tacenda
He nodded.

The secrets of the world
are best left
unsaid.

The Chronicles of an Incomplete Character

I told her

that our time is fleeting

but she turned to me

with a fearless smile

-her eyes ablaze with 

newfound courage

and whispered

"As am I."

~

The lights flickered 

from behind her bloodshot eyes.

-Always calculating

Lost within the confines of her own mind

she waits 

for someone 

anyone

to look beyond the looking glass

to pull her from the dark depths

that encircle each thought

each moment

She told herself 

she was brave 

she was all-knowing

but what was the point of knowing

if it only ended in her own demise?

She takes a breath

Exhales

Swallows

And so it begins.

And so it shall 

all

end. 

~

The tension in the air lingered longer

this time than the last.

New beginnings often bring 

painful ends. 

But, if you could just hear me for one moment,

the book was never closed. 

The chapter never complete.

We sit as unfinished characters in a flawed tale.

~

If you could please just hear me

for one moment.

I don't think she can though.

Her blank stare 

and damp palms

I know you are in there.

But she's not.

The darkness has taken hold.

She exhales.

And exhales.

And exhales.

Until there is nothing left of her.

Just a crumpled excuse of 

who she once was.

Please

hold on.

But she let go 

a long, long time ago.

I want to hold her

to breathe the life back 

into her limp body.

Her eyes

follow mine

as if to hear my thoughts.

Don't 

go.

A tear falls

silently

and I want to plead with her

to beg her to come home.

But she has left

me.

And with her

I am gone.

~

The night sinks into me

like a blade into flesh.

My worst untold tragedy

was the one I could never admit to myself.

These wounds were always self-inflicted.

You think we are alone

and perhaps

we were.

But, my love,

look at the clock. 

Our time

is running out.

You Think We Are Alone

You thought we were something

I could have stopped it

But the ship was sinking

and I needed to 

drown.

On Moving On

You would think that with great change
would come great pain

Assimilate or die

But as I look at the mountains in the distance
and the sun setting behind them
I cannot help but feel a relief
deep within my bones
a freedom
that I have not felt
in much too long.

There is a guilt
of course
but the air is light
and the sky is clear

I suppose you wouldn't understand
but the desert is calling me

-I am here
and for once
I feel fine
just fine.

And I want to keep it
that way. 

Time falls

sideways

And 

moments

play in

reverse

but if 

I may 

JUST

say

One

word

Goodbye.

He was everything 

I ever needed

more than I had wanted

and filled my skies

with shades of reds and blues

that I never thought 

myself worthy of. 

And one day

He became 

my home. 

Sinking.

A stillness fills this quiet home
but outside the wind rips
the world apart.

We stay
in fear
that the wind
will take us
-that the outside
world
will hurt us.

I want to say
that I am not
afraid

but Lord knows
I would be a liar
if I did.

I am terrified
and
from the looks of you
you are too.

And I think that is
okay.
Just, okay.

It's not perfect.
It's not great.


But if the choices are
to sink or swim,
I'd gladly choose
to float along
until the current
pulls me under
that the sink
without purpose.

There is this picture
in my mind
-maybe a memory
-maybe a dream

The cool air smells fresh
like fresh water
and green grass

There's this meadow
with a stream running through
Trees lining the perimeter
but their limbs
bowing out 
shading me

Through the trees
the sky is blue
but I'm blinded
by the golden sun,
the rays dancing off
the green leaves.

The grass is tall
and sharp
but I lay there
listening to the
quiet stream.

Flowers in full bloom
engulf  me
drowning me
in my lost innocence.

Peace flows through
my itching veins
like a drug
and I seemed to have
overdosed.

-I will return
to the Earth
from where I came. 

On Moving

Anxiously waiting 

to feel something

-anything

aside from the 

cold breeze

that tears

through the 

swaying trees.

Watching the train 

charging forward 

without restraint 

-knowing that

it will roll me over

utterly destroying

the self-constructed

shell I call 

home.

I cannot help 

but wonder

if this 

-if just this-

is what 

love

has 

done 

to

me.

 

~

I whisper 

through clenched eyes and quivering teeth,

Goodbye.

See you next time. 

~

The seeing glass

shatters between my hands.

What was the saying again?

Everything falls apart.

Within the depths of night
The fear holds me prisoner.
-I am awfully tired.

I don't
believe
in perfection.

I just
don't.

What I do believe in
is this moment-
this here.
This now.

The look
in your eyes.
The feeling of
your skin
against mine.

-I wasn't so sure
what love was
until
I had to live
without.-

Each
and every
time I see you
it is like a
journey
through time.

To when
we first
met.
To when
we will
eventually
depart.

But when
we are together
It appears
that we are
one

-perfect-

Vices.

Time
      Slows
   Down
            Again.

I am drowning
in
my own
        vices.

I crave
the stillness
     that rests
on the edge of
             this
    moment.

-the silence
      that rests
between
       us.

I suppose
   you would
call it
     apathy
but if
               you see
through the
      charade
You would know
thatIcaresofuckingmuchthatIhidebehindtheapearanceofnotcaring

It is
   so much easier
that way.

You would know
that it keeps me awake at night
          through the Nyquil,
through the melatonin,
through the whatever my doctor prescribed me
                    that I am afraid to take
but afraid that I will be kept up by the voices in my head
that whisper sweet nothings into my aching ears
like how much I have done
to hurt you
if I don't take it.

-I don't know-

I crave the
       stillness
that rests on the edge of
                                      my dreams.

The moments between reality
                       when time ceases to exist
                        When rather than being within a framework
we just are. 

But let me uncork this.
But let me unscrew this.
But let me uncap this.
But let me chug this down
-the burning taste running smooth
down my throat. 

Let me drown
(tonight)
in my vices.

And In The Night

I needed something

and I needed it to be

Profound.

I needed it to 

speak to me

louder 

than any words

have ever spoken 

before.

I needed it 

to tell me 

the most fundamental 

truth

of all.

But, alas

What was that truth?

And why did I need it?

The ever

tantalizing truth

Prodding me awake

from the depths of 

sleep.

The quest for fulfillment 

slipping through my clenched 

fingers.

But I think I know

now

What I could have 

never known then

A deep silence 

falls across the calm

waters

The thick fog settles.

The multitude of the 

universe expanding

comes to a rapid halt.

-These wounds

were always 

self-inflicted. 

So many voices 

and they are all

speaking to me.

I close my eyes

and 

I try to breathe.

I will take one pill

than another,

two. 

~

So many voices

and they are all

speaking

to 

me.

I 

try

to 

focus

But my God

this shit 

won't do.

~

So many voices

and they 

all

are speaking

to me.

I push my head underwater

then begin

to breathe. 

It occurs to me

-Sometimes the lies

are all too

true.    

When It Is All Over

For when it is all over
what will be left
of us?

And
what will be left
for us?

When it is all
said
When it is all
done

Will you remember
our first moments?
Will you remember
being together
and how it felt?

I close my eyes
grasping at the last of our firsts

The moments fleeting
before me
like the few moments of darkness
just before dawn breaks.

So I ask one more time of you,

For when it is all over
What will be left of us?
And finally,
what will remain?

Vastly Apart

His eyes-
those eyes...
Those horribly sad eyes.

Peered through me
and pierced my aching soul.

His lips moved
but I cannot seem
to remember his words
-just his face.

His longing
to leave
To be anywhere
than here.

His hands
folded neatly
but scratching at themselves
spoke loud enough
despite his muted words

In the darkness
we sat
in the comforting silence
of expecting the loss
that was approaching us
at a rapid, calculated speed.

We were still.
But
We were together. 

Together
but
soon to be
vastly apart.

The sea is calm

The sky

-clear and blue.

But my heart

is pounding

in the silence 

that looms 

awkwardly amongst us. 

You ask me

"What's wrong?"

And God,

I don't want there 

to be anything wrong

but there is.

"I'm tired." I sigh, "I 

am so tired." 

It's true. 

My bones are weary

Disappointment flows through me.

- I don't want to do this anymore.  

The Backdrop Fades to Grey

I find myself sitting
In silence
As the world
Continues to crumble
Before me.

I reach out with grasping hands
To do something
-anything to fix it
Or even just hold it together before its all
Gone
-Again-
But alas
It is useless

It is so fucking useless.

The backdrop
Fades to grey.

The Seeing Glass

I wanted there to be more

to all of this.

I am so conflicted

within my own head.

My being rages,

craving my Earthly desires

while my thoughts reach

and wander

meandering toward 

a higher purpose 

or meaning.

My heart- smothered 

by thick vines

and my mind 

is locked away in a prison 

constructed of its own devices.

Like a child tucked away 

in her room,

I look from behind my own eyes

- my windows

into the outside world.

Life passing me by.

I cannot help but wonder

Do they see me?

Can they hear me?

Their eyes gaze through me 

like I am nothing more 

than a refraction through the seeing glass.

-a distraction 

from the real picture.

My quiet comforts

have become my 

only comforts.

So I will sit.

And watch.

Through my end

of the seeing glass. 

Standing Still

Time was passing.

You could see it 

in the trees.

You could feel it

in the air.

The moment felt longer

than others though.

Drawn out by some 

unknown forces 

watching- 

out in the distant reaches 

of the universe.  

My hands reached

to grasp it

between my fingers

and hold onto it 

forever

But I was too late

and just like that

the moment slipped away

and time

moved forward.

-exhale-

It just keeps moving forward.  

She sat

wrapped up

within

a 

tiny world

that existed

only 

within 

the confines of 

her own 

imagination.

The nights were long

and lonesome.

Dark

and filled with 

terrors

that haunted her dreams.

She sat

wrapped up

within 

a 

tiny world-

a fragile little thing

-

my God though, 

a beautiful little thing. 

-

Her dark hair framing her 

fair face.

Her eyes as clear as 

the sky itself.

Her bony shoulders

protruding through her

emerald green dress.  

-

She sat 

wrapped up 

within her dreams

that held her closely

as the darkness closed in

as night approached 

menacingly.

The only things to comfort her

as the world spun on 

uncontrollably.

-

Her mind 

filled with endless possibilities

-both beautiful

and gruesome.

She was not someone that 

everyone could love.

Her mind continuously racing 

toward the next dream

-or nightmare.

-

She sat

wrapped within

the confines

of 

herself.  

I tell
myself
to
stop.

Breathe.

Stop.

It is
almost
comical
how I do this
to
myself.

Stop.

Breathe.

Stop.

What do you say
when there are no words
left
to say?

How do you hold on
when
you grip weakens
and your forearms
give out?

I have been searching for answers.
I have been looking
for
a
meaning.

But,
does there
really
need to be?

To Live Without

All that I ask
is that
you don't
leave me.

You are far too precious
for me to live
without.

Migraines and Medicine.

Time
slows
down

And
I can't breathe

No
really
I can't
count
the seconds between
my breathes

I
am
lost
within
my
own vices. 

But
at least
I feel
whole
for
a moment.

A moment.

Let
me
dissect this.

You
ever
wonder
what a moment
even consists
of?

-Hold
up-

Dizzy.

And
the pain is back. 

I blink
But at least
I know
that
I am real.

I have
participated in real life
for approximately
sixty-four days

Or what
I perceive
to be real
life.

But
the pain
wasn't
there
for about
half
of those.

So I thought
maybe
I'm
not real?

I
don't
really
know. 

Breathe.

Eyes
flutter
slowly.

This is
what I have been reduced to.

A shell
of
my
former self.

But
At least
I
am
Happy. 

Right?
Right.

I feel myself slipping
and I'm not sure why.

I call you-
"Something isn't right."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know."
My voice cracks,
"I just don't feel right. 
My chest hurts.
I am so scared."

My world crumbles around me.

"I will be home soon.
I promise.
Just breathe."

I feel myself sinking into the Earth below me.

I feel my entire being
fading back into the Universe
but instead
fall into your arms. 

The First Moments of Waking

The sun rises
Reflections of shades of orange
red
yellow
and white
blind me
as I emerge anew.

The warmth caresses me
softly
dancing across my naked skin

What once frightened me
now stands a testament
to who
I can become.

To what I will achieve.

I am a beautiful piece
to the ever expanding universe
and I will not
be afraid.

I cannot be afraid.

My Shadow Lingers

I have been so stuck in my head recently
-a captive to my own thoughts

Afraid of what the future holds
Reminiscing on what the past has been.

It is amazing
truly amazing
what depression can do to a girl

How anxiety can destroy a fighting soul.

I feel out of place
in my own body.

I feel
-lost-
Utterly lost
and I hate it.

I miss who I was
and who I am yet to be

And I don't even know who that is.

I exist in this moment
and this moment alone

I contemplate the physics and the reasoning for all of this
and cannot come up with a purpose.

I hear my little brother's voice on the phone
and I try to picture his face
but all that I see is the vast space that falls between us.

No one ever told me that growing up
would be so difficult.

I can hardly remember my oldest brother's voice
-he's a far off memory
whom I try to remember
but more oft than not
forget.

-he is gone-

My love is my lifeline
he keeps me fighting despite
my urge to take flight.

I used to have the answers
I used to have them all

Now,
I am afraid of my own shadow
and the destruction
she inflicts on my aching soul.

So,
I sleep.
I close my eyes
and pray to myself
that I will live another day.

I am afraid of my own shadow
and the destruction
she inflicts
on my
aching
soul.

"I Drink American" by Donald Hough, Excerpt from The Bedside Esquire, Tudor Publishing Co 1933-1940

“I do not like to sit down and drink like a gentleman, neither do I like to stop drinking because I can feel my liquor, as gentlemen do in England, or anyway in English books.

I am an American and I drink American.

I do not understand this constant bickering about drinks and gentlemen. A man who drinks like a gentleman is, it is popularly supposed, one who sips his liquor sitting down, looks straight ahead with dignity, drinks with all the gusto and expression of an Indian taking his balsam tea against the evil spirits, and ends by rising slowly to his feet and saying, “Well, old fellow, I’ll toddle up to bed.” And then he really does toddle up to bed.

This is a waste of time, a waste of liquor, and a waste of gentleman.

It makes it difficult for the layman to discover why Englishmen and others who drink like gentlemen drink at all. Drinking, throughout America excepting the Harvard Club, and among non-gentlemen the world over, is an adventure, not a heathen ritual. It springs from an understandable and, so far as I am concerned, a laudable, curiosity as to what will happen if, just about the time the gentlemanly drinker is toddling up to bed, you shake your head vigorously and start walking in a northeasterly direction.

It is at this point that the spirit of the pioneers in the American bloodstream comes bounding to the surface, and the American steps forth.

He is unafraid.

The impenetrable night lies just ahead, holding dangers that are exceeded in magnitude only by the rewards that are possible. Where the Englishman knows he’s going to end up in bed, the American likes to think he may end up in Bali. Frequently he ends up in jail, but incredible as it may seem, he often does get to Bali.

It’s worth trying for…”

Things feel different
from how they felt before.

I am tired
weary of my journey
and
I would like to go home.

The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil

Toward the sun
the moon
and among all of the stars

I look out
into the great unknown

and I search

For something to hold onto
For answers
to the multitude of questions
that flow through my tireless mind.

Colors
Patterns
Brilliant delights
that taunt me
and frighten me
within the depths
of the night.

But who would hear
If I cried out in despair?

Certainly not the heavens.

I am forsaken to my own curiosity.
To my own misdoings.
And for all that I know
It would be easiest to just
forget.

"The World is Quiet Here"

And as I look off into the space 

between here

and there

-the grand trees 

Green with life

Their leaves fluttering

in the soft wind

Whispering their secrets 

to one another

and through the 

distant mountains.

The birds are quiet.

It is calm.

A blue sky freckled with small

white clouds.

I take a deep breath,

close my eyes

-and then exhale.

As the day 

meanders away 

from me.  

"The world is quiet here."

Alone in this small room
My fingers dance across the keys
As I forget about my worries

Clumsily
my fingers trip over
one another
and hit the wrong notes

But nothing could speak to my heart
more earnestly
than the nonrhythmic tune
that I attempt to play.

It seems as if
all at once
and all too quickly
I was captured
by your quirky smile
and your boyish charm.

There was no way to fight it
-Lord knows I tried.

But at the end of it all
it was always
-always
you.

I knew it
deep within my bones
as I shuddered to think of a future
without you.

The world is far too quiet
without you near.

The world
is far too lonesome
without your kind eyes
and your strong arms
that wrap me up
in the darkness of night
as the stars hide behind the clouds
and my thoughts become hazy.

As my eyes
begin to close
and my mind
to wander.

And if I could wish for any one thing
it would be for your eternal happiness,
because nothing makes me happier
than seeing your toothy grin
and hearing you laugh in delight.

Because whether you are with me
or someone else,
I know that until the end of my days
my heart will always
hold you dearly
as you have held me.