The darkness
came creeping
back in
and no longer
could I
escape
the fear
that I held
at bay
in the back
of my
fraying
mind. 

There is this box-
it's small,
-carved-
but plain

It sits upon an equally plain
wooden desk.

In a rather drab bedroom
decorated by a single bed,
a chest of drawers,
a window with curtains drawn
and
the infamously mentioned
desk

All owned by a brilliant
girl
whose face was painted
by the sky
and whose hair was glittered
with stars and kissed by the
darkened eternity.
(I think of her often, remembering
her stoic smile)

I asked her
but once

"What do you keep in that lonely,
little box?"

Well,
her response, I should have
expected,

"Why, nothing but myself."

Perplexing.

Long nights spent imagining
Pandora's box being opened
or
maybe she spoke in some strange metaphor.

But would could that mean?

I do not know
But this evening
I stare at a white ceiling
wondering
myself into a confused oblivion.

Dear Universe,

For so long
I had been running from
the meaning
the true meaning
to this all.

I focused on my own short comings
my own inadequacies
my own insecurities

Failing to instead
focus on the illuminating
beauty that surrounds us

Failing to open my eyes
to the expansive
night sky freckled
with dying light

I focused on
the things
that no longer seem to matter.

Your time
and how it was spent
My time
and how it was not.

But now,
the wind sings a
sweet
and crisp lullaby
as it caresses
my sun-kissed face.

It was never about you
nor was it ever about me.

~

Dear Universe,

I have been feeling
less myself
now
more than ever.

I feel less
within myself
and more
without.

But
in that
I am more
Free,

Yes.

As the night encroaches
and the cool air embraces my frail
silhouette
A delighted smile lands
on my lips.

Yes,

Spooked by the dark isolation
within this moonlit forest
A frenzied joy
wells up from inside
and I know now
what I must do.

I feel less
within
myself.
And
more
without.

Dear Universe.

Dear, sweet Universe.

Too meaningful

The circle
-almost complete

The fire
burns
as it runs
smooth
against the
grit of my throat

The circle
-almost complete

Losing grip
spinning
around
and
around
again
and again

Throw it back
Swallow it down

The circle
-almost complete

Existence
might not
hold a purpose
but in this moment
the hazy days
and lazy moments
feel too
meaningful.

The fire.

The circle
-almost
complete

burns
as it runs

losing
grip

again

back
and
down

too

-the almost
complete circle

meaningful.

So beautifully
meaningful.

the leaves

don't fall 

              like 

they

   used 

to

they ebb
and
they
        flow
      in a
          pattern
that
      I do not
seem to
          know

that I do not
seem
        to underst-
and.

perhaps 

yes,
perhaps.  I should

       have

told 

     you

  the  words

left

unspoken

             between us.

But.
To be
honest.

           I don't
think
                    they would
             have
mattered.

Like how
a leaf
        falls.

Is
it
   really
          bothering
anyone?

Anyone
except
         me?

And tonight
I slip deeper
than I have before.

I slip down
and
this time
I won't
arise
to where
I once
stood. 

But my sweet, sweet love,

I fear that my love is deeper than 

any ocean,

more expansive than all of the galaxies,

fuller than any of your fantasies,

and better 

than 

what we think ourselves to deserve.  

The Fear

more oft than not
oh who am I kidding
always

I fear that I am simply
not enough


I did not feel
prepared for this
for any of it

and yet
each day
I arise to a new life

one that is so vaguely familiar
so ambiguously mine

No notion of
where to go
from here
if at all
anywhere

No sense
of what is to
come next.

A pit
as wrinkled
and hardened
as one of a peach
sits like acid
in my chest.

I melt away with time
more oft than not
I melt away with
fear.

The petals stopped falling
My dear
Our flowers
Have wilted

Must we keep
Planting more?

If ever this room 

could stop spinning

maybe we could catch

our breath

The clock struck eleven

fifty-seven minutes ago

and I think that we

must be doomed

if only

it could all end

so I could just

catch a breath

of fresh air

if only the get out of this

white walled, single celled 

room that the disillusioned

poets 

began calling, "life"

 

All of my fears
have followed me down
into the depths of my dreams

I am drowning
but I'm wide
awake.

Is that how it feels
to fell
alive?

Lost between the words
Lost between the moments

Don't
Forget
Your
Self. 

Things have been feeling
heavy
again.

A weight on my chest
and I can hardly
breathe

Often
in the depths of night
I debate the realities
that surround me
and if there
could
ever be an
escape

Often
in the depths of night
I debate
if it's all really worth it

I just want to fall apart.

And yet
Piece by piece
I chip
and break
but I remain
Stoic

Repurposed
but
dead

Heaviness

I wanted to say something
Profound

I wanted to say the feelings that
rest uneasily
in my locked chest.

I wanted you to feel
what I felt

I wanted you
to understand.

Instead,
we lie awake at night
wondering
if the other
is the reason why
we remain alive.

So often,
I find myself sinking
into the undertow.
Drowning
under waves
that I cannot see
but I can feel.

So often,
You find yourself alone
with no one to listen
as you fight
with the demons
hidden in the dark
recesses of your mind.

I don't mind.
I don't mind.

But is this
really what it takes
for us to survive?

I wanted to tell you something
so
profound
that you would see
the world in the same light
that I see you

beautiful

We are worlds apart
despite the heaviness of
your breathes
landing softly
upon my lips

More awake than ever before
yet still I lie
In that moment
My heart tore

You saw me.
And yet
You still left.

It makes sense.
It always has. 

Let Go

So cold,
and so I've been told
that if we continue to hold
onto who we once were
our roots will sprout mold

I can't let go
My past in tow
I've never felt so low.
You told me we could grow
No,
No-I don't know.

I hold clenched fists
but that kills my wrists
The future seems so hazy
I can't seem to see through this mist.

I can't let go
My past shot like a bow
striking me as an arrow
stuck through toes
Yeah, it's too low
but it won't let go.

The Heavy Sigh

Stretched out over the ledge
Despite the vastness below me
I feel safe.

I guess
That I shouldn't.

But the soft Earth
beneath my bare toes
cool
fresh

and the dusty breeze

reminds me
that I'm on my last leg
of this God awful journey.

I am on a ledge.

With nothing but the crashing waves
somewhere lost under the sea of clouds
to catch me

or not.

You wouldn't know this about me

but I am afraid.
Safe.
But afraid.

So afraid that whether I stay in
this one spot for the rest of my life
or if I jump

that I will have made the wrong choice. 

My heels dig into the loose soil
and my body releases a heavy sigh.

I am safe.
But I am not alive.