For the Best by, Gregory and the Hawk

I really wanna find a bar
And mix the fear up with a friend
Plant a joke kiss on your arm
And give you skull tattoos in pen

I wanna know
Do I dance inside your head
As our looks are crossed
Cause all I feel is that I'm caught in it
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/g/gregory_and_the_hawk/for_the_best.html ]
I really wanna go to bed
But the feeling in my chest
I feel lost again
But this time for the best

I wanna know
Do I smooth your checkered past
Does your hope flow
When you call me your last

I really hope you're on at eight
With no commercial breaks
And the sofa sinks
Underneath our doubled weight

If I love you
Like I loved you from afar
If you love me
When your skin isn't so hard

- Gregory and The Hawk

A Work in Progress

A Dreamer's Diary

Dream One:

There I am... again. I'm searching for something. Maybe it is someone. I don't know. I'm lost. Wandering yet again. But the heaviness in my heart has finally been lifted.

I can feel the tall blades of green grass scratch at my thighs as I run through this barren field. As I reach my destination.

Home.

Perhaps I have known this all along, perhaps I haven't. But it feels like forever... if I just close my eyes. I know. I know that this is what I need. Here and now. Now... to be here. If only you were here. If only I could open my eyes and share in this moment with you.

If only heaven were quite like this

If only the darkness were not so dark

And the light lifted up your soul like it has mine

I raise my head to the sky,

and breathe in the fresh air.

Home.

It was here all along.

If only I were not so blind

I step forward as my bare feet sink into the soft earth,

new with yesterday's rain.

My hands reach towards the familiar

grasping the rough bark

as it takes hold of me.

The leaves rustle my hair

The roots drag me under.

You knew, and that is why you had to leave me. Is it not?

Tell me you knew why. Just tell me this isn't a dream and that I could open my eyes at any moment and feel this freedom that stands before me. Is it true?

I do not know... but then again, I don't want to.

You told me that all of my tomorrows would be forgotten in the past if I didn't listen to now. I believed you. I believed in you and you have proven yourself to be correct. Yet, here we stand on the field of forgotten dreams wondering how we got this far. You took a chance. And I can breathe.

If only he knew the pain that was once inside me.

Dream Two:

I cannot believe this. Not anymore. The walls have fallen down.

Good Lord, am I truly alone? I haven't felt this pain in so long.

I thought I was beyond this. I thought I could just forget about it and I would be able to move on. He keeps looking at my with tired eyes. He's done with this. As am I. The roof is collapsing in. The smoke has made it difficult to breathe.

Thunder roars.

Lightning flashes.

Here I stand. Alone once again. If only he could have seen how much of my heart I had given to him.

I am broken.

There is nothing left of me to give away.

An empty heart is just as good as no heart at all.

And yet...

I knew it all along.

How can I move on,

when yesterday's pain plagues me still?

My head aches,

My heart yearns

for someone to see the story that haunts me in my dreams.

If only I could wake up.

Dream Three:

The sweet sounds of the symphony rock me into a place I can remember.

I can see, and it is real.

I see the past.

There I am,

running into my father's arms.

He picks me up and holds me tight.

Kisses me on the cheek and says how much he loves me.

I never knew how much that would have meant to me

until now

Have I truly lost everything?

He tosses the baseball

and I catch it perfectly

He's been teaching me how to play catch for the last hour

The smile on his face says everything

Means everything to me

And when I miss the catch, falling down hurt

He picks me up and carries me to the house

He tells me that it will be okay

and that he is sorry

How easy it was to heal those old wounds

If only I could fix what I have broken

If only time could have stood still

or if I knew back then what I know now

Yet time waits for no one

and sometimes you give away what you love the most

to find yourself.

In my heart there is a hole where he once was

As if when I grew older, he moved out

I guess I am not the little girl I used to be

No one said growing up would be easy.

If only he knew how much he still means to me.

Dream Four:

Senior year, and the morning is new. Groggy and disoriented, and there is still so much to get through. New friends, old friends, and people I once knew roam the campus. Laughing, crying, or a weird mixture of the two... somethings just follow us. I need a different muse.

The trees have already started to turn. The fields are fresh cut, and green. Our clothes are the most unwrinkled they will be all year. This is the one moment when you can be whomever you want, to define who you are... and who you will be.

Tomorrow will come too soon. And then we will lose what today we had gained.

I pull on my clothes, as I ready for the coming day. The sun breaks, and the light blinds me through my glass window. It all feels so different, and yet so much the same.

I look around my room. Three days in and it feels just like home. My own sanctuary. Posters and pictures line the wall. My clothes folded neatly and packed gently into my drawers, and my books stacked just right on their shelves.

Who will I be this year? So many different options, and none seem so enticing as finally being myself. The whole world will come to see that this is me. This is who I want to be. Nobody can take that away. This is who I am meant to be.

I'll just close my eyes. And let it all sink in.

Tomorrow never dies.

Dream Five:

The nothingness washes over me like the silence after a car wreck.

Blood drips down my hands, like tiny rivers carved into my wrinkled skin

off my finger tips, to then splatter lifelessly on the ground.

How did I even get here?

-It all makes sense now-

A life flashes effortlessly before my eyes. How I used to be so happy. Those times have changed.

I have grown weary with age and time. I have grown

alone.

If only I could make things right again But this darkness is haunting me

If only I could find a way home But the way has been forgotten

If only I could If only …. perhaps

I could

The sirens scream from every angle.

I pull myself from view,

this metal cave of security will save me

from ever being found

Then, perhaps I could find the way

I can hear their voices calling me back

My eyes flutter

No... I do not know

What is real?

Once, I was a child

held close by my father

the prize of my mother

When did it all change?

It is all too real

The pain

is cutting deeper

than any knife could

How did I end up here? They are calling my name, but I refuse to answer. No one will find me.

Not here. Not this way.

Mangled and bloody. Life free flowing out of me like waves crashing upon a smooth shore.

Effortlessly

No one will find me here.

No one will look here in the darkness

This metal cave

the tall doors pulled shut

The life within me is fading with each second.

Thoughts, memories, regrets

There was so much left to tell you

Why did I throw it all away?

My eyes flutter wildly,

Choking on my own blood,

The pain of this wound is killing me

A spear dug deep into my chest

Cuts and scrapes from hitting the pavement

sting as I lose myself

A light

A voice

Calling my name onward

If I could only reach

his hand

He could be the one

He could save me

I swear that I have looked upon his beautiful face before

"I'll dissolve when the rain pours in,
When the nightmares take me,
I will scream with the howling wind,
'Cause it's a bitter world and I'd rather dream."

Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like I could just collapse.  Like I could melt away with time and it would cease to matter.  I often wonder why I feel like this.  I lay awake at night thinking, debating with myself why I should keep breathing if the pain screams so loud.  Other times, I hear nothing.  Nothing at all.  Not even my own breathing, as I slip into unconsciousness and must remind myself that it is what I must do.  It feels... unnatural.  As if nothing of my own being truly matters.  I am not depressed.  I am alone.  As we all are at the end of our days.

I have been latching onto words, phrases, quotes, spreading them like wildfire in hopes that someone will see, and read them, and understand what it is to be me.  What it is to believe in the sun and the stars, and that love overcomes all obstacles and will prevail.  The child in me will never die.  My heart is of gold, my mind is of darkness.  Corrupted by age, influenced by impulse.  If only the light could find me.

The sun is rising slowly over the sleeping world
Gently whispering
           -Wake my children,
              The new day has come-
A bright glow on the horizon,
    The fire of an old world becoming anew.

Words that I Needed to Read

"Age of twenty,

There are more uncertainties than certainties.

Once dreamed of future in teenage years,

But now conflicting between the dream and a reality.

Vodka will help to avoid a future,

But temporarily.

We need God."

Dear Stranger,

It feels like it has been years since I fell into this deep sleep.
                                     I am lost
                         within this sickening dream
           or bitter sweet nightmare

-I don't know.

I'm trying not to care

The pain has ripped out my heart
and devours it before my bleeding eyes

The same question haunts my every thought:

Where do you go when you want to be alone?

Do you close your eyes,

and do you cry?

Wallowing yourself up in the dark.

Do you hide 

on the inside?

The pain staying raw as cut flesh

left unhealed 

Because you will never forget

-the wound consumes you-

Or do you simply disappear 

within the dream world you hold dear?

the chaos is all a sweet delusion 

soon to disappear when you awaken

-

I don't know my answer.

It has stuck with me for years now

from a grammar exercise in ninth grade English

The question never fades

Dear Stranger,

I miss you, quite suddenly.  The wound has festered a bit; it has swollen, and oozed.  

You are no longer here to aid me.

I am infected.

Dear Stranger,

If you wake alone, 

know that I had to leave before you could know

that the me you know, is nobody.  

I am a ghost.
Hallow 

and unreal.

My insides are rotten with time and darkness.

My heart was torn out, and broken years ago.

The smile you saw

was a lie

a fake

I am nothing more than an image

An old shattered thought

What you see right before you dream

If you awake alone

know that I love you too much to stay

that the me you know, is dead.

Eternal Love,

Always.

A Survey of Sorts

Let us start off slow
          catch our breath
   and begin all over again

Who am I?
Who am I but a stranger
                      a loner
                      a no one looking to be alone
I am myself

And what do they call me?
Something rather hard to pronounce to the rest of the population
                                                                                 Kirsten

How do I feel?
Sad
Alone
Depressed
Lost
Like a weight is on my chest
Like my heart is sinking
I can hardly breath it seems
                             these days

News is that I have a lot going on, an engagement even.  How does that make me feel?
Awesome
Excited
Happy
Sad
Alone
Depressed
Lost
I guess I don't know.

                               But this is what I want, is it not?
                                                                  Of course!
                                                       This is everything
                                           That I could ever want.
I love him so much, how could it not be?

How was the doctor's appointment today?

The same is it always is.
I'm depressed
I'm anxious
and I got a vaccine.

Oh, and I took another crazy test.
To prove that I need crazy pills
that I won't pick up
because I am also scared.

                                      When did life become so difficult?
                                                I am simply too tired 
                                                   For all of this.

Random thoughts

I like songs about drifters - books about the same. 
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane. 
Walked on off to another spot. 
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want. 
Did I want love? Did I need to know? 
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

- World at Large by Modest Mouse

Haven't done any writing in a long time.  I guess I should. The more I think about everything, the more real it seems.  I just want to stop thinking.  When did we grow up?  And why are we exactly the same?  Perhaps I'm not ready.... what will happen to me then? To us?  I always push people away before they know me.  Everyone except you.  I wish I could close my eyes and it was like none of this happened.  What would I be then?  Who would I have become?

I'm not suicidal, all that I want is to disappear.  And then I'll know what comes in the afterlife.  Then I'll know if there's a god, or if there's just darkness.  The perpetual darkness creeping into my eye sockets as the light fades from them.  Or what if it comes as a rebirth, and it all starts over?  If I could relive my life with you, I would every time.  What if as soon as the black fills your vision, a bursting bright light of new life consumes you?  That's what I hope for.  Heaven sounds too exacting.  Not everyone can go.  I love you too much to have eternity in paradise without you.  

I haven't felt so alone in a long time.  It's not that I'm lonely, it's that the days are hallow with monotony and repetition.  I've come to the painful realization that my childhood will soon be left behind. All my past friends have moved on, as I have, I suppose.  It hurts.  To breathe and feel the reality sinking in.  I guess that's what therapy is for.

For telling myself that the past will simply disappear if I allow it to.  I'm not ready to move on.  Not quite yet.  My mind won't let me.  I am a prisoner to myself.  The dreams keep coming, and the fear is as fresh as if the wound were just inflicted.  It won't stop bleeding.  But if I close my eyes, one day the pain will simply fade away.  I can only hope.  I can only pray that one day this fear will disappear.  

She asks me what I dream about, and I tell her honestly... they're about running away from the fear, feeling the pain stab into me like a knife in my chest, they're about death, dying, and ghosts that haunt me.  Sometimes they're not so dreadful though, sometimes they're about love, joy, and the sunshine falling down upon my freckled face.  They're always about you.  Sometimes they're about losing you.  Sometimes they're about being with you.  Sometimes I only see your face for an instant and then you're gone.  

How does this happen?  When did I wake up in love with you?  I don't know.  Sometimes I wish that I never met you.  You would be better off, that's for sure.  But I love you so much, and I know that you love me.  And that's all that I could ever ask for.  

I'll do what I have to
if it gets me closer to where you are

Each day seems longer than the last
Each night as restless as the one before
but maybe if I just close my eyes
it'll all go away

I miss you
but maybe if I just close my eyes
You will fade away

It's been a long time since I  last wrote with any heart.

It's been a long, long time
and I don't want to feel like this ever again.

Alone
I sleep here tonight
In the arms of an angel
whom I don't know the name

Closed eyes
and I still can see
myself sinking deeper into the darkness

He's holding my hand tight, and firm
with a strength that seems unbeatable
but I'm dead weight

I am nothing.
Not anymore.

I miss you

Midnight:

Strange noises emerge from the woods outside my window, either that, or it's just the sound of the highway that's not too far off.  I'm tired of studying, and am using any distraction I can to keep me from looking back into that damned book.  So much of a future rides on this test... I cannot afford to fail.  But then again, I also cannot afford to die of misery.
Chinese food is sitting in my throat, waiting to escape at the next burp.  How do I manage this while being exhausted? I crack open an energy drink.  What am I currently running on? A Sprite, two coffees, plenty of water, and now this.

-I'm still tired-

Taking a brief look at the study guide, I shudder.  What is this?  Have we even gone over any of this yet?  Well, no shit we have.  Maybe if you paid better attention in class, we wouldn't be awake right now.  We could be quietly sleeping, enjoying the late night hours.  Or, you could be cuddling with your boyfriend with the hopes of falling fast asleep in his arms.

-I never noticed the shine these walls give off at this hour; it's quite nice.  Calming if you will-

Electronegativifuckthis and fuck me.  I think I'll just take a nap right here on page 149...

Letter

Dear Aunt Pam and Uncle Jim,

Not everyday is sunny, but you already knew that.
Some days, it feels like if it rains hard enough,
we might just drown.  And some days, we're okay with that.

But other days,
the sun shines so beautifully down on us that it's nearly impossible to tear away our gaze.
It's as though heaven is right here on Earth, and if we believe enough
we can see all whom we've loved and lost.

Perhaps it's just God toying with us, to give us something to look forward to at the end of our days.
So we can long for something outside of this realm.

I can only imagine.
Only hope
                that one day, after all is said and all is done, we will meet on the other side.
Fresh and new, blessed in God's glory and grace.

And even when your hope does stray, do not forget the beauty of this world.  How the first Spring rain washes the world clean.  And how the trees whisper in the warm summer breeze.  Autumns bright colors as nature's grand finale before a desolate cold approaches.  And lastly, don't forget the first snow fall and how each time you listen in the dead of winter, you hear not silence, but peace.  A stillness that calms.  How the laughter of children playing in the yard will echo through your ears and mind years after they're gone.

Not every day will be sunny,
nor will every day be warm, inviting, nor swell.

But every day is a gift
that you have survived through another sleepless night
that you have put yesterday behind you
and faced today, despite your fears

That you swallowed your grief,
put your nose to the grindstone
and made it through once again.

And while you may feel broken, or bruised
tired, twisted, and confused
by God's plan

Know that you have survived

Against all odds,
you continue to climb branches of God's tree.
Despite the hardships,
You know that one day you will be free

But I want you to know something, more important than the rain,
or the sun,
the pain, and the joy.

I want you to know
that no matter the darkness of the sky
you shine a light that has led me here
no matter how strong the wind blows
you whisper words that have told me to push on
and that no matter how high the waves have risen up,
threatening to swallow us,
dragging us into a deep oblivion
You held my head above the waves,

But hold your breath
or you will fail to see
how his love spreads outwards toward infinity

And know,
forever, and for now
just how much it is
that you mean
to me

I want to say something
but I can't

Looking at my watch,
It is as if I am in a hurry of some sort
but let's be honest

-It's 11:40 at night
I have no where to go

Too young for the bars
Too hung over for anymore alcohol
Too strung out for anymore of whatever the doctor gave me

I can't sleep
but I know you are

You face still
body restless

I miss you every minute of everyday
(even when you're here with me)

It's as if you're already gone
and GOD I know that you're not
but if I accept the inevitable now,
I won't have to deal with it later

It's almost a win-win
But I'm still losing
You.
~
I count the stars in the night sky
hoping that one of them will pop out at me,
exposing some sort of miracle,
a kind of miracle that I need
~
Dear Kirsten,

I've been watching you for a while now and can't help but to feel like you're giving up.  Never have I seen you so sad, so down on yourself.  And I can't help but to ask myself, "What is it that is wrong?"  You have everything and yet you give yourself nothing.

You look at him with a story already written in your head, and you know that's not how it's going to work out.  You want this to be some sort of fairy tale but you know that will never be what you hoped it to be.  I know what you want, and perhaps he does too.  He loves you.  How many times does he have to tell you?

We'll make it through this.

Eyes to the sky,
Toes hardly on the ground,
We'll make it through this.

Sincerely,
me

sleepy talk

He's so critical
    and analytical
that it is so dreadfully hard to not feel his eyes peering through
my soul

I was once a traveler
      I knew nothing of this land
I just knew

I knew that one day I would find the treasure
in the land of untamed wilderness
Where the birds screech loudly with the monkeys
and the forest is a grassy green, unmatchable to anything around these parts
              The water will be a clear blue
It would have been perfect

But his eyes,
they crystallize those dreams
and bring them down to Earth

But his voice
so sweet and rich as if with wine
sings to me as I drift into my eternal sleep

I think of the moments that we have left together
so few
but so many

It feels as though a lifetime could pass and it would never be enough

You have only poured your heart out to me once
but I knew that you meant it

I once believed in fairy tales
and that Peter Pan would sweep me off my feet
but you are something else,
that I can say the least

You are handsome
Intolerable
Loving
Annoying
and the best moment that I will ever remember

Everyone knows that I cannot remember much
but when it comes to you,
I can and will remember everything
anything

I will memorize every love poem and story imaginable and act them all out to you
but I know that none would prove as fitting as ours

He is sleeping
I stare at him through fogged glass
my bare hand on his bare skin
digging deep into his being
inhaling and exhaling all that I can

I am not obsessed
I am
I am-
I am alive

I am human
and I take what I have, and he is all that I want

I want his stubborn attitude and cynical view of the world
His sheepish smile and his warm embrace

A kiss on a quiet evening as I drift into the eternal realm of dreams and dragons
He is my world
My fogged glass

And as the fog grows heavier
My awakened dreams grow obsolete

I'm at a crossroads

-that awkward in between

-that where am I going,

because I sure as Hell don't want to be here

I'm at that no man's land of life

looking around for an exit or an answer

Something to pull me out of this rut

or even just around it

I'm at a red light that just won't turn green

and as much as I want to blow through

and take the repercussions if I'm caught,

it doesn't seem worth it in the end

Maybe I'm just comfortable sitting in this 

awkward in between

this

where do I go from here?

Is it worth stepping forward

if there's a risk of falling back?

I'm at a 

let's run away together and forget about the real world

let's live in a tree house and live as children of the Earth

Fuck society,

Fuck the real world

I want to hide away and live as the innocent child 

kept locked up in the back of my mind

But even if I could manage to escape,

what company would I have?

You would never come with me

to see all that there is out in the life of fantasy

it's just too unrealistic

I'm unattached to reality

I'm at a crossroads

lost in uncertainty