The days are growing shorter.
Colder.
Soon
snow will cover
all that we have left.
We gather today
to speak of survival.
Of continuing on
despite the hardships
despite the thought
that dances in the back
of our minds
This is not enough.
We are not enough.
And while we
at times
may feel inadequate
We have survived this much
There is no way
-not even in the farthest depths of Hell-
that I will back down now.
But I can only do so much.
I need you.
All of you.
And together
we can stand up
Fight.
Together.
We will survive.
As we have,
as we will.
It will not be easy
-It never is.
We will lose some.
Many...
I do not know.
But let those we have lost
and will lose,
not die in vain.
Today
I ask of you
All of you
To fight.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Saturday, December 13, 2014
My Mother's Eyes
Sun tanned skin
glittered in sand
The ocean crashing gently
and the air
as light as a feather
as heavy the rain
pouring down.
I run across the beach
in a fury of excitement
and childish vigor
She sits watching
Resting back
On lean arms
and restless legs
She yells out to me
while pointing
towards the water
Dolphins dance
between the waves
Their fins disappearing below the surface
then with a sudden burst of energy
They fly into the air
Laughing
like children.
Like me.
And so
I laugh.
She laughs.
I sit back into her arms
and watch
The restless ocean
dancing before us.
Resting back
On lean arms
and restless legs
She yells out to me
while pointing
towards the water
Dolphins dance
between the waves
Their fins disappearing below the surface
then with a sudden burst of energy
They fly into the air
Laughing
like children.
Like me.
And so
I laugh.
She laughs.
I sit back into her arms
and watch
The restless ocean
dancing before us.
Memories free flow
like water off the edge of a cliff
Falling
down
farther
and farther
Heart sinking
and rising
Adrenaline
pumping
Oh
how the years
have changed us.
Some of us made it
while others
did not.
I hold his face in my hands
in this moment
frozen.
Eyes a glacier
reflecting his regrets
his sorrow.
His pain
My pain
Memories free flow
Like water down a window pane
during a heavy rain storm.
Some of us made it.
Others
did not.
I hold his face
Frozen in my mind.
Some of us made it.
He did not.
like water off the edge of a cliff
Falling
down
farther
and farther
Heart sinking
and rising
Adrenaline
pumping
Oh
how the years
have changed us.
Some of us made it
while others
did not.
I hold his face in my hands
in this moment
frozen.
Eyes a glacier
reflecting his regrets
his sorrow.
His pain
My pain
Memories free flow
Like water down a window pane
during a heavy rain storm.
Some of us made it.
Others
did not.
I hold his face
Frozen in my mind.
Some of us made it.
He did not.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
A shot in the dark
It was a shot
In the dark
And it has blown me away
What I believed to be a scar
Has reopened
I am bleeding out
Through my heart
Time heals no wound
It simply
Makes you forget
Until you move too fast
Or bend the wrong way
Grasping at your heart
As though it's the first day
It was a shot in the dark
That has hit me
Square in the heart
In the dark
And it has blown me away
What I believed to be a scar
Has reopened
I am bleeding out
Through my heart
Time heals no wound
It simply
Makes you forget
Until you move too fast
Or bend the wrong way
Grasping at your heart
As though it's the first day
It was a shot in the dark
That has hit me
Square in the heart
Thursday, September 25, 2014
The Climb (Part V - Rise, and she rose)
My eyes rise to the world above me
And all at once
I am blinded
by the sun set ablaze
RISE
~
Her eyes clench shut
As her arms reach up
to surrender herself.
~
The Soul
can only be described as being intangible
Yet beautiful.
It is what provides the strength and fortitude to carry us through
the darkest of our days
when our body is too weary to continue on.
Our body is merely a means to an end
and we are meant for something far greater than our minds can seem to compute.
Our body is a decaying vessel meant to carry us through our journey
Until the body itself simply expires
-Releasing our soul back into the universe
where it will continue on its venture.
Perchance back in this world,
or perchance further on...
I am no scientist,
nor am I any god.
I am
Human.
~
She yelled out
in anguish.
in fear.
in expectation
of being taken away
from here.
Her soul separated
from body
Smoothly
Guided by the fiery rays
towards the open universe
As her body
was gently laid to rest.
~
A tingling sensation fills my weakened body
And then
Nothing.
Silence.
Abundant
Light.
Joy.
~
RISE
And she rose.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
The Climb (P. IV: The Awakening)
Awaken.
The dark world
disorients her vision
causing it to flicker in
and then
back out.
~
With the passing of time
Light begins to illuminate
the once gloomy grotto
Reflecting off the water
and onto the painted walls
Dancing with the break
of what she can only assume
to be day.
BREATHE
She inhales.
Her ribs crack
as her lungs expand
with the moist air
Pain wretches through her body
She lurches forward
Heaving out a mixture
of water and anxiety.
She falls to her side
then rolls to her back
Exhaustion taking hold
Pitch fills her eyes
-The colorful rays of light
slowly disappear on the other side
of her swollen eye lids
The sand below her
forms to her body
as she struggles
with each
breath.
The land of dreams
envelop her
as the pain
gradually
fades
She holds onto life
by a short strand
fraying at each end.
The dark world
disorients her vision
causing it to flicker in
and then
back out.
~
With the passing of time
Light begins to illuminate
the once gloomy grotto
Reflecting off the water
and onto the painted walls
Dancing with the break
of what she can only assume
to be day.
BREATHE
She inhales.
Her ribs crack
as her lungs expand
with the moist air
Pain wretches through her body
She lurches forward
Heaving out a mixture
of water and anxiety.
She falls to her side
then rolls to her back
Exhaustion taking hold
Pitch fills her eyes
-The colorful rays of light
slowly disappear on the other side
of her swollen eye lids
The sand below her
forms to her body
as she struggles
with each
breath.
The land of dreams
envelop her
as the pain
gradually
fades
She holds onto life
by a short strand
fraying at each end.
Friday, September 5, 2014
The Climb (Part III)
As if by luck
She struck the bottom of
an endless void
Her body crashes violently
against the freezing water
Knocked unconscious by fear
oxygen deprivation
and the sudden impact
Her body is washed ashore slowly
by the weary current
Silence falls over the grotto once more.
Quietly,
The World whispered to her
Breathe!
The World whispered to her
Breathe!
The Climb (Part II)
I am swallowed
by the darkness.
Fear devours me.
panic sets in
my heart screams
out to be saved.
Nothing.
I am bound
to a horrific fate.
Where do I go from here?
Tears fall
but no sound
beyond my own sobs
follow
by the darkness.
Fear devours me.
panic sets in
my heart screams
out to be saved.
Nothing.
I am bound
to a horrific fate.
Where do I go from here?
Tears fall
but no sound
beyond my own sobs
follow
The War
The war rages on
Fire
and ice
wind
and earth
crashing into each other
laying waste to the heart
that was so innocently
sacrificed to the greater good
The war rages on
shattering my soul
tearing apart what once
could be labeled as
innocence
Demons and darkness
whispering sweet nothings
as I drift into the abyss
some call dreams
others call night terrors
Searching and searching
despite there being nothing
to find
Nothing left
in this hollow
you call a heart.
The war rages on.
Victim ID number: 1
Fire
and ice
wind
and earth
crashing into each other
laying waste to the heart
that was so innocently
sacrificed to the greater good
The war rages on
shattering my soul
tearing apart what once
could be labeled as
innocence
Demons and darkness
whispering sweet nothings
as I drift into the abyss
some call dreams
others call night terrors
Searching and searching
despite there being nothing
to find
Nothing left
in this hollow
you call a heart.
The war rages on.
Victim ID number: 1
The Climb (Part I)
My heart races.
I keep my eyes to the sky,
scanning the steep mountain side
-the vertical ledge in which I seem to be approaching
in hopes of a sturdy place hold
The wind pounds through
the looming cliffs
My fingers dance,
clutching into a fist
The ache burns as I grip and release
Below me is a dark and vacant Hell
No room for error.
The jagged walls encircle me
Slick with the
Rain quietly falling into the background
Whispering words
of encouragement
or something like that
"Don't look down."
I continue to climb.
Heart beating out of my chest.
until I
lose my grip
and
the World
holds her breath.
I keep my eyes to the sky,
scanning the steep mountain side
-the vertical ledge in which I seem to be approaching
in hopes of a sturdy place hold
The wind pounds through
the looming cliffs
My fingers dance,
clutching into a fist
The ache burns as I grip and release
Below me is a dark and vacant Hell
No room for error.
The jagged walls encircle me
Slick with the
Rain quietly falling into the background
Whispering words
of encouragement
or something like that
"Don't look down."
I continue to climb.
Heart beating out of my chest.
until I
lose my grip
and
the World
holds her breath.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Through the Looking Glass
Pictures that once lined the wall
have fallen,
they lay scattered on the floor,
their frames broken
their glass casing shattered.
Beautiful,
smiling faces
captured in time
long forgotten.
Shards of sharp crystals
Plunge into my pale, bare feet
as I walk the empty hall
Ruby red blood pooling
under my every step.
The empty space where the memories once hung
isolated in a happier time and place
remains the same color it was
on move-in day,
bright
fresh
new
while the rest of the house bares a decaying coat of grey
My fingers dance along the splintered trim
Wincing with each prick
Wincing at the hollow grief
resting low in my chest.
This house holds a million and one memories
My hand reaches into my pocket
and lingers a while.
My nails scratch at the flint wheel
while I caress the bottom case softly.
And then,
Like it is nothing to me,
I pick up the closest picture.
We're young,
his red hair
and blue eyes
his arms around me.
I pop the lid
to a small flame
hold it to the memory
as I watch it burn
dropping it to the ground
where the others rest in peace
I walk slowly down the hall
of my old home
my old life
my brother
whose soul rests
while ours still ache on.
The flames crawl up the walls
consume the floor boards
and grab at the painted moulding
They lick the old, dusty curtains
and burst the fragile bulbs
They begin to roar with anger
as they reach for more and more.
I make my way up our creaking stairs
and down two doors
-Through the looking glass
a young girl sits
playing with her dolls
She's content.
Quiet.
She looks just like me.
But as I reach for her
The flames devour me.
My soul
eaten up in a blind rage of grief
despair
and losing what you love.
Just like that
I am
Broken.
have fallen,
they lay scattered on the floor,
their frames broken
their glass casing shattered.
Beautiful,
smiling faces
captured in time
long forgotten.
Shards of sharp crystals
Plunge into my pale, bare feet
as I walk the empty hall
Ruby red blood pooling
under my every step.
The empty space where the memories once hung
isolated in a happier time and place
remains the same color it was
on move-in day,
bright
fresh
new
while the rest of the house bares a decaying coat of grey
My fingers dance along the splintered trim
Wincing with each prick
Wincing at the hollow grief
resting low in my chest.
This house holds a million and one memories
My hand reaches into my pocket
and lingers a while.
My nails scratch at the flint wheel
while I caress the bottom case softly.
And then,
Like it is nothing to me,
I pick up the closest picture.
We're young,
his red hair
and blue eyes
his arms around me.
I pop the lid
to a small flame
hold it to the memory
as I watch it burn
dropping it to the ground
where the others rest in peace
I walk slowly down the hall
of my old home
my old life
my brother
whose soul rests
while ours still ache on.
The flames crawl up the walls
consume the floor boards
and grab at the painted moulding
They lick the old, dusty curtains
and burst the fragile bulbs
They begin to roar with anger
as they reach for more and more.
I make my way up our creaking stairs
and down two doors
-Through the looking glass
a young girl sits
playing with her dolls
She's content.
Quiet.
She looks just like me.
But as I reach for her
The flames devour me.
My soul
eaten up in a blind rage of grief
despair
and losing what you love.
Just like that
I am
Broken.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Like a word waiting to be spoken
Or thought clinging in the back of your mind
Waking you in the middle of the night
to remind you that it is still there
-The feeling remains-
Like there's more to this life
Than this
Like there is more to be done
Than just sitting here idly
Watching the world pass by
So,
what am I waiting for?
Or thought clinging in the back of your mind
Waking you in the middle of the night
to remind you that it is still there
-The feeling remains-
Like there's more to this life
Than this
Like there is more to be done
Than just sitting here idly
Watching the world pass by
So,
what am I waiting for?
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Actions speak louder than words
but there are moments that leave us
actionless
speechless
Moments that leave us
wondering
how we got this far
that leave us
remembering
those who have helped us
to get this far
and those we have had
to leave behind.
Actions speak louder than words
but there are moments that leave me
in awe
of your love.
but there are moments that leave us
actionless
speechless
Moments that leave us
wondering
how we got this far
that leave us
remembering
those who have helped us
to get this far
and those we have had
to leave behind.
Actions speak louder than words
but there are moments that leave me
in awe
of your love.
It's hard,
you know?
Being depressed I mean.
Laying down at night
alone,
or not
and just thinking.
A teacher once told me that writing
isn't about how you feel
it's about how you think
and I think that I am tired of this.
I think that I am ready to shed this skin
once and for all
and evolve.
My life is nothing special.
I am simply
average
But my life is beautiful
in that in my suffering
in my darkest hour
there is a light that shines
through the darkness
I think that we are all evolving
towards our perfected selves
while our body slowly decays.
It is hard
to be depressed.
To feel the weight of the world
crushing your chest
To think that you could die
right here
right now
and it wouldn't matter
To think that this moment
means nothing
and that you are
insignificant
because you are
in the grand scheme of things
But it doesn't have to be that way.
you know?
Being depressed I mean.
Laying down at night
alone,
or not
and just thinking.
A teacher once told me that writing
isn't about how you feel
it's about how you think
and I think that I am tired of this.
I think that I am ready to shed this skin
once and for all
and evolve.
My life is nothing special.
I am simply
average
But my life is beautiful
in that in my suffering
in my darkest hour
there is a light that shines
through the darkness
I think that we are all evolving
towards our perfected selves
while our body slowly decays.
It is hard
to be depressed.
To feel the weight of the world
crushing your chest
To think that you could die
right here
right now
and it wouldn't matter
To think that this moment
means nothing
and that you are
insignificant
because you are
in the grand scheme of things
But it doesn't have to be that way.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Father's Day
We sit silently in this moment
Memories slipping by
like water through a grate,
sand through fingers.
Our time here is waning away
But Dad,
There is so much more
that I have left to say.
Words that I cannot speak
as they hold little meaning
compared to my short lifetime
spent with you.
The little moments
the quiet ones
Spent between adventures
and the other mundane parts of life
that seemed to seep in
when we weren't looking
Long car rides
Transient visits
Homesickness eroding at a young heart
There is so much more
that I have left to say
-words do them little justice.
The love you have shared and instilled
is like a warm blanket on a cold day,
or a story before bed.
It is a pat on the back
after giving your best
and the constant encouragement
to get back up
no matter how many times you fall
and the laughter
when looking back on just how far
we've come.
While it sounds simple
All that I can say is that
I am so lucky
-fortunate
to have such an example to follow
A lifetime with you as my Father
will never be enough
Happy Father's Day.
Love,
Kirsten
Friday, June 13, 2014
I am strange.
I do not deny that.
When I look up towards the night sky
I see not simply stars
I see another life.
Another time.
Through the eyes
of someone I do not know.
I see crystal shards of tears
frozen like a memory torn from my hands
Destroyed before me
is a looking glass.
A time in which I will never know.
In my dreams
I hear their whispers
Between green trees twisting and turning
leading me down a path
of emblazoned fear.
Dirt scratches between my toes
a smooth silk touched with scathing spurs
drawing blood with each step.
I wish to run
but the pain is too much.
As if jerked back from a nightmare
I awaken
knowing of a life
I once lived.
-Silence-
Falls over me
Like the comfort of a heavy rain
pouring down
enveloping my very being.
I am strange.
I do not deny it.
I will live a legend
and die unknown.
I do not deny that.
When I look up towards the night sky
I see not simply stars
I see another life.
Another time.
Through the eyes
of someone I do not know.
I see crystal shards of tears
frozen like a memory torn from my hands
Destroyed before me
is a looking glass.
A time in which I will never know.
In my dreams
I hear their whispers
Between green trees twisting and turning
leading me down a path
of emblazoned fear.
Dirt scratches between my toes
a smooth silk touched with scathing spurs
drawing blood with each step.
I wish to run
but the pain is too much.
As if jerked back from a nightmare
I awaken
knowing of a life
I once lived.
-Silence-
Falls over me
Like the comfort of a heavy rain
pouring down
enveloping my very being.
I am strange.
I do not deny it.
I will live a legend
and die unknown.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Legacy
Everyday is a blessing.
Some would say that I'm moving on,
but I don't think that is true.
I am moving forward,
however,
I will never move on.
There is a difference,
you know.
I still think back to his red hair
Blue eyes
and fair skin
Sometimes that's all I can see
is some weird compilation
of who he used to be.
I'm not one to talk about the afterlife
These days I have ideas
and I have dreams
but to share them feels
too obscene.
Some days I can make it through
with hardly a thought
Others,
it is my only thought.
Every life is a blessing.
My life,
His life.
We all serve a purpose,
and I know the legacy he passed on for me...
but what about you?
Some would say that I'm moving on,
but I don't think that is true.
I am moving forward,
however,
I will never move on.
There is a difference,
you know.
I still think back to his red hair
Blue eyes
and fair skin
Sometimes that's all I can see
is some weird compilation
of who he used to be.
I'm not one to talk about the afterlife
These days I have ideas
and I have dreams
but to share them feels
too obscene.
Some days I can make it through
with hardly a thought
Others,
it is my only thought.
Every life is a blessing.
My life,
His life.
We all serve a purpose,
and I know the legacy he passed on for me...
but what about you?
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
To follow
Like a slow moving current
Down a winding path
I follow
The road
-I do not know
And yet
I will follow
Our hearts are aligned
Like stars in the far off distance
Shining delicately
Magnificently
But must exist in some other time
You shine across the galaxy
And still
I follow.
And each day I watch
Petal by petal
My soul is exposed
Crying out to be picked
By you
And only you.
"He loves me, he loves me not"
My world seems so still these days
We have settled
His light feeds me
As I drink in the love
Bestowed upon me
"He loves me"
And still
I follow
Down a winding path
I follow
The road
-I do not know
And yet
I will follow
Our hearts are aligned
Like stars in the far off distance
Shining delicately
Magnificently
But must exist in some other time
You shine across the galaxy
And still
I follow.
And each day I watch
Petal by petal
My soul is exposed
Crying out to be picked
By you
And only you.
"He loves me, he loves me not"
My world seems so still these days
We have settled
His light feeds me
As I drink in the love
Bestowed upon me
"He loves me"
And still
I follow
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Under Your Spell
Take me up into your arms
like water engulfing a rain drop
You complete me.
The sun kissing me
gently
nervously
Like our first kiss
And I am falling head over heels
Reaching and searching for you
Anywhere
and everywhere.
Take me up into your heart
like the final piece of a puzzle
You were all that I have ever needed.
My dreams
are singing sweet melodies
Rocking me into a deep sleep
where I dream of you.
Only you.
My sweet boy,
It was always you.
"I could fly, on the wings of my heart
deep inside, I've been falling apart
Love
There's a magic in you
and I'll be under your spell
Love"
like water engulfing a rain drop
You complete me.
The sun kissing me
gently
nervously
Like our first kiss
And I am falling head over heels
Reaching and searching for you
Anywhere
and everywhere.
Take me up into your heart
like the final piece of a puzzle
You were all that I have ever needed.
My dreams
are singing sweet melodies
Rocking me into a deep sleep
where I dream of you.
Only you.
My sweet boy,
It was always you.
"I could fly, on the wings of my heart
deep inside, I've been falling apart
Love
There's a magic in you
and I'll be under your spell
Love"
-Love by Blindfire.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Waves.
Overcoming grief is not strength
It is not staying tough by any means
it is simply
Surviving.
Overcoming grief is delaying the waves
that crash in from all sides
Dripping over your eyes
Forcing you to bathe in depression,
Forcing you to see your own sorrow
And so continues the cycles.
And so,
I sit here and wonder
when the waves will take me next.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Let us Remember
It's hard to look back
knowing what you have lost.
Being the parents,
now questioning your every choice
Or the siblings
feeling guilty over every rivalry
and argument
Or the friend
Feeling like you should have done
something, anything.
Even just said goodbye.
So many words left unsaid,
so many memories left unlived
We bleed for each other,
knowing the other's pain
We bleed for ourselves
remembering even for a single moment
each day
What we have lost.
Or rather,
Who.
A whole generation
at war with themselves
At war with their demons
Our lives are slipping away
but who seems to notice these days
anyway?
To the common eye
We are among the broken
and the damned
Cursed by ourselves
and each other.
We are told this is all we have to live for
And some days I let myself believe that.
It is so hard to look back
knowing what you have lost
while uncertain of where
tomorrow will take you.
Dreaming of another life
somewhere far away from here
and now
Someplace safe.
But in many cases, my love,
that is death.
Let us instead dream
of tomorrow
of living for each other
getting through the storm
to see the sun
shining brilliantly overhead
kissing our bruised
and scarred skin
Let us see ourselves for who we are
-Broken
Soon to be fixed
-Lost
Finding self
-Damned
Saved by a hope
for a better tomorrow.
It is hard for me
to look back
knowing just how much we have all lost.
And for that
I bleed for you.
All of you.
Let us remember.
“That was the thing about the world: it wasn't that things were harder than you thought they were going to be, it was that they were hard in ways that you didn't expect.”
― Lev Grossman, The Magician King
knowing what you have lost.
Being the parents,
now questioning your every choice
Or the siblings
feeling guilty over every rivalry
and argument
Or the friend
Feeling like you should have done
something, anything.
Even just said goodbye.
So many words left unsaid,
so many memories left unlived
We bleed for each other,
knowing the other's pain
We bleed for ourselves
remembering even for a single moment
each day
What we have lost.
Or rather,
Who.
A whole generation
at war with themselves
At war with their demons
Our lives are slipping away
but who seems to notice these days
anyway?
To the common eye
We are among the broken
and the damned
Cursed by ourselves
and each other.
We are told this is all we have to live for
And some days I let myself believe that.
It is so hard to look back
knowing what you have lost
while uncertain of where
tomorrow will take you.
Dreaming of another life
somewhere far away from here
and now
Someplace safe.
But in many cases, my love,
that is death.
Let us instead dream
of tomorrow
of living for each other
getting through the storm
to see the sun
shining brilliantly overhead
kissing our bruised
and scarred skin
Let us see ourselves for who we are
-Broken
Soon to be fixed
-Lost
Finding self
-Damned
Saved by a hope
for a better tomorrow.
It is hard for me
to look back
knowing just how much we have all lost.
And for that
I bleed for you.
All of you.
Let us remember.
“That was the thing about the world: it wasn't that things were harder than you thought they were going to be, it was that they were hard in ways that you didn't expect.”
― Lev Grossman, The Magician King
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Grief
Which way am I going?
Who am I becoming?
And where did I go?
~
The mirror reflects a stranger
staring with grey eyes
and pale skin,
scratching...
-pounding at the glass
to break out
To let the world hear of her horrors
I tell myself that I don't know her
I don't know that face
those tears,
where did those come from?
No,
I-
I know nothing of who she is.
I know nothing of the pain plaguing my her heart.
The silent echo of her screams
haunt me in my dreams,
we're young
just kids
laughing
playing
and then
it hits me all over again
It's just a dream.
I look into the mirror
Who am I?
A shadow image
of the girl I she once used to be
I don't want to live like this
Hiding away from my friends
my family
making excuses for my own reflection
following me as I look back at myself
wondering
how I let myself become this person
She gives me a pained smile
a beautiful smile
But it is something
And something is better than nothing
As the winds blow furiously at me
from all directions
I am on my knees,
begging
screaming
but no one can hear
She just looks on
Empathy and tears filling her eyes
And then I realize
It is I who am behind the looking glass
and it is She who needs me
~
I yell to the sky
asking why this has happened
and why I have been left
to slowly pick up the pieces
of my shattered life.
Grief stricken parents,
a brother suffering his own guilt and grief,
a younger brother finding his own way
through a world much crueler than he.
And I, the sister,
watching from the edge of the world
as the pieces move together,
then apart.
Trying to hold our family together
All the while
tearing at the seams.
~
I watch from the edge of the world
as asteroids collide with our fragile Earth
I watch as the ground beneath me
is shattered
and all I can do is beg
for mercy.
~
Mayhaps
we shall meet again.
Mayhaps.
In another time.
Another life.
With all of my love
and all of my life,
Kirsten
P.S. even in silence, I speak your name. To hear your voice.
~
The stars,
may they shine bright
on this very night
for you.
It was always
for you.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
WE ARE THE SURVIVORS
There is something that should be said for the survivors.
Something.
What exactly,
I do not know.
There is something that should be said for the survivors,
the overcomers
the down trodden
beaten
and damned
Those who have looked the Devil
right in his eyes
and had the gall to tell him,
"Not today, sir. Not today."
There is something that should be said for the heartbroken,
who have lost their way,
the last bit of love in their heart,
Yet, still have the need to see tomorrow
despite how uncertain it looks.
There is something that should be said for the survivors,
Who have felt the blade cut deep,
felt it twist, and then nothing.
Having to pull the blade out themselves.
Some think it is strength,
but I dare say, rather,
they are now numb.
Here is to the survivors.
Where to feel anything at all
is to feel alive.
Something.
What exactly,
I do not know.
There is something that should be said for the survivors,
the overcomers
the down trodden
beaten
and damned
Those who have looked the Devil
right in his eyes
and had the gall to tell him,
"Not today, sir. Not today."
There is something that should be said for the heartbroken,
who have lost their way,
the last bit of love in their heart,
Yet, still have the need to see tomorrow
despite how uncertain it looks.
There is something that should be said for the survivors,
Who have felt the blade cut deep,
felt it twist, and then nothing.
Having to pull the blade out themselves.
Some think it is strength,
but I dare say, rather,
they are now numb.
Here is to the survivors.
Where to feel anything at all
is to feel alive.
Friday, February 21, 2014
While there may be a hole in my heart,
a permanent tear frozen under my eye
and my bones ache from the cold
Each day
you refill my life
with love
beauty
and a reason to look forward
to tomorrow
You wipe away
my tears
telling me about the life
that one day we'll have
and whether it's true
or not
I don't care
all I care about
is you
The cold that resides in the depths of my bones,
you cure so easily.
The warmth of your body
radiating through my skin
getting down right into my core
And my God,
you fill me with so much life
and so much love.
I would be empty
without you.
a permanent tear frozen under my eye
and my bones ache from the cold
Each day
you refill my life
with love
beauty
and a reason to look forward
to tomorrow
You wipe away
my tears
telling me about the life
that one day we'll have
and whether it's true
or not
I don't care
all I care about
is you
The cold that resides in the depths of my bones,
you cure so easily.
The warmth of your body
radiating through my skin
getting down right into my core
And my God,
you fill me with so much life
and so much love.
I would be empty
without you.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Hallowed Ground
Fire
clawing into my eyes
tearing at my throat
My heart is nothing more
than an empty shell
awaiting the grand return
of who I once was.
Rain
pouring down from green-blue
salty pools
onto irritated and raw cheeks.
Lord,
I am begging you
to save me.
To tell me that it is okay
to fall apart.
All I see are these faces
of those who don't understand
staring at me
with persecuting eyes
coarse whispers
and soulless hearts.
I can feel myself changing
I am no longer the girl I once was
In my dreams
she is there
looking at me through windows
leaving messages on little scraps of paper
strewn about for no particular reason
In my dreams
she tells me
that nothing will ever be the same.
I'm back at square one.
Weak knees
Bleeding heart
Then
Nothing
Just a hollow grief
plunged deep
unable to show itself to anyone
but myself
All I am
is broken
bleeding out
onto hallowed ground.
clawing into my eyes
tearing at my throat
My heart is nothing more
than an empty shell
awaiting the grand return
of who I once was.
Rain
pouring down from green-blue
salty pools
onto irritated and raw cheeks.
Lord,
I am begging you
to save me.
To tell me that it is okay
to fall apart.
All I see are these faces
of those who don't understand
staring at me
with persecuting eyes
coarse whispers
and soulless hearts.
I can feel myself changing
I am no longer the girl I once was
In my dreams
she is there
looking at me through windows
leaving messages on little scraps of paper
strewn about for no particular reason
In my dreams
she tells me
that nothing will ever be the same.
I'm back at square one.
Weak knees
Bleeding heart
Then
Nothing
Just a hollow grief
plunged deep
unable to show itself to anyone
but myself
All I am
is broken
bleeding out
onto hallowed ground.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
The End For a Small Price
There is so much left to learn
about this world
other worlds
Heaven
and ourselves
Is it only in your dying breath
that it is all exposed to you
so brilliantly
A light
that you walk towards
knowing it is good
Knowing
that it is now your time
But time for what?
The end
or the beginning
The starting line
or the mere finish?
It is as if all of this time
were nothing
if not wasted
on the small things
on everything but keeping ourselves alive
How selfish.
I would give up my life
a million times over
just to save the ones I love
and yet it would never be enough
to show how much my heart
beats for them
All of them.
Sometimes
I look back on my life
wondering if this journey has all been worth it
All those moments of pain
Anguish
A hurt in your heart that you can't seem to bandage up
Given up for a grander cause
For a hope at a better life
For a hope that after this darkness
there will be a light
so beautiful
and bright
that we will know to walk towards it
Run towards it
Forgetting all of the past
Only to think of the perfection
that lay beyond
Not worrying if it is just a story
We tell ourselves at night
to make the nightmares go away.
To make the shadows stop moving
and to ease the sharp pain
where your heart should be
It seems you lost it a long while ago
though
It is the prayer we make in a dream
telling ourselves
this can't be real
this can't be real
fighting to wake up
screaming with the last of your breath
while your demons hold your eyes closed
and rips their nails through your skin
There is so much left to learn in this world
Are we chosen when it has been decided
that we know too much
or have a plan much too grand for this unholy place.
All these places of worship
put to test our faith
to test how much we're willing to buy into
something better than here and now
and what if this is Hell?
My heart aches
and trembles
wondering why anyone be so cruel
as to put us through this torture.
But if you're reading these
and you've asked yourself
"What does she mean?"
It is quite simple.
I love you,
and wish it didn't have to end this way.
about this world
other worlds
Heaven
and ourselves
Is it only in your dying breath
that it is all exposed to you
so brilliantly
A light
that you walk towards
knowing it is good
Knowing
that it is now your time
But time for what?
The end
or the beginning
The starting line
or the mere finish?
It is as if all of this time
were nothing
if not wasted
on the small things
on everything but keeping ourselves alive
How selfish.
I would give up my life
a million times over
just to save the ones I love
and yet it would never be enough
to show how much my heart
beats for them
All of them.
Sometimes
I look back on my life
wondering if this journey has all been worth it
All those moments of pain
Anguish
A hurt in your heart that you can't seem to bandage up
Given up for a grander cause
For a hope at a better life
For a hope that after this darkness
there will be a light
so beautiful
and bright
that we will know to walk towards it
Run towards it
Forgetting all of the past
Only to think of the perfection
that lay beyond
Not worrying if it is just a story
We tell ourselves at night
to make the nightmares go away.
To make the shadows stop moving
and to ease the sharp pain
where your heart should be
It seems you lost it a long while ago
though
It is the prayer we make in a dream
telling ourselves
this can't be real
this can't be real
fighting to wake up
screaming with the last of your breath
while your demons hold your eyes closed
and rips their nails through your skin
There is so much left to learn in this world
Are we chosen when it has been decided
that we know too much
or have a plan much too grand for this unholy place.
All these places of worship
put to test our faith
to test how much we're willing to buy into
something better than here and now
and what if this is Hell?
My heart aches
and trembles
wondering why anyone be so cruel
as to put us through this torture.
But if you're reading these
and you've asked yourself
"What does she mean?"
It is quite simple.
I love you,
and wish it didn't have to end this way.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Letter
Dear Andrew,
So here I am again,
Looking at your pictures
wondering how we could have denied this
all along.
The universe works in a mysterious way,
And don't get me started on God.
You showed me a beautiful light
Your death
came so suddenly
that I collapsed when
Sean broke the news.
I still have those queasy,
uneasy moments
when out of no where
I lose my balance
and am back to square one.
Your life was beautiful
in some sick, twisted way.
Some days
I go through my phone
looking at your number
debating if I should call you
just to hear your voice again.
Dear Andrew,
There has not been an easy day
since you left.
Some nights,
I lay here.
And think.
And think.
And think.
Until my heart stops.
My eyes cringe.
And tears lull me to sleep.
You know what's hard?
No one understanding.
And what is worse?
The voice in my head telling me
that no one will ever understand.
My life
is a cracked glass house.
One wrong gust of wind
and I will shatter again.
Dear Andrew,
You showed me how beautiful
each day is.
You showed me Heaven,
and love,
forgiveness
and the pain of grief.
All gifts equal in value.
You gave me hope
that one day
we shall meet again.
That one day
I will wake up
and it will all be a dream.
That we are young,
and you are here
with me.
God,
I would do anything to get you back
to fix what has been broken.
But what has been done
cannot be undone.
And maybe it is better that way.
Maybe you fixed us
by breaking yourself.
Dear Andrew,
I miss you.
I will see you when I get home.
Love,
Kirsten
So here I am again,
Looking at your pictures
wondering how we could have denied this
all along.
The universe works in a mysterious way,
And don't get me started on God.
You showed me a beautiful light
Your death
came so suddenly
that I collapsed when
Sean broke the news.
I still have those queasy,
uneasy moments
when out of no where
I lose my balance
and am back to square one.
Your life was beautiful
in some sick, twisted way.
Some days
I go through my phone
looking at your number
debating if I should call you
just to hear your voice again.
Dear Andrew,
There has not been an easy day
since you left.
Some nights,
I lay here.
And think.
And think.
And think.
Until my heart stops.
My eyes cringe.
And tears lull me to sleep.
You know what's hard?
No one understanding.
And what is worse?
The voice in my head telling me
that no one will ever understand.
My life
is a cracked glass house.
One wrong gust of wind
and I will shatter again.
Dear Andrew,
You showed me how beautiful
each day is.
You showed me Heaven,
and love,
forgiveness
and the pain of grief.
All gifts equal in value.
You gave me hope
that one day
we shall meet again.
That one day
I will wake up
and it will all be a dream.
That we are young,
and you are here
with me.
God,
I would do anything to get you back
to fix what has been broken.
But what has been done
cannot be undone.
And maybe it is better that way.
Maybe you fixed us
by breaking yourself.
Dear Andrew,
I miss you.
I will see you when I get home.
Love,
Kirsten
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Shattered
Follow me down, down into a hole in the ground.
I
dug it just for you, exactly how you wanted me to.
It's been over a year.
The snow isn't what brought us to tears.
The ambulance came way too late,
And they lied to your face.
I'm calling to see how things are there.
I want you to know how much I care.
I wish I could take away your pain.
I fear I come home to see your grave.
Mother, please don't cry.
I'm states away and begging to die.
I left you all alone.
I'm scared every time I come home.
We made it through the mess.
The doctor said they're doing the best.
Their best just wasn't enough,
and we cried all through the month.
I'm calling to see how things are there.
I want you to know how much I care.
I wish I could take away your pain.
I fear I come home to see your grave.
The truth is that despite how I appear on the outside,
I am still in pieces.
Shattered.
There are days when I wish I could disappear.
But how do you admit that to someone you love?
I did.
The look on his face when I told him
The fear in his voice.
I love you
but I'm scared
my days fade into nights
and the night seems eternal .
I am afraid of the truth.
Afraid to fall to pieces
for my wall to fall down
and you see
me
The truth is
I am
Shattered.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
The Truth About Depression
The truth about depression
is that it's more than just
feeling "sad"
it's more than simply
being in a "funk"
and you cannot
"snap out of it"
The truth about depression
is that it will eat you alive
if you let it.
It will keep keep you away
from those you love most
whisper to you as your eyes
begin to close
about every single wrong decision
that you have made
every regret
The guilt washing over you
like a waterfall
And you want to drown
You want to shrink into yourself
and disappear.
To hide in some dark hole
with a warm blanket
and forgot you even exist.
The truth,
the absolute truth about depression
is that you are alone.
No one will understand
the thoughts racing through your head
No one will see the pain
hidden in your eyes
and no one
can even begin to understand
how much
you don't want to be this way.
I don't.
William Styron, author, writes about the pain of depression, "That the word 'indescribable' should present itself is not fortuitous, since it has to be emphasized that if the pain were readily describable most of the countless sufferers from this ancient affliction would have been able to confidently depict for their friends and loved ones (even their physicians) some of the actual dimensions of their torment, and perhaps elicit a comprehension that has been generally lacking; such incomprehension has usually been not due to a failure of sympathy but to a basic inability of healthy people to imagine a form of torment so alien to everyday experience."
is that it's more than just
feeling "sad"
it's more than simply
being in a "funk"
and you cannot
"snap out of it"
The truth about depression
is that it will eat you alive
if you let it.
It will keep keep you away
from those you love most
whisper to you as your eyes
begin to close
about every single wrong decision
that you have made
every regret
The guilt washing over you
like a waterfall
And you want to drown
You want to shrink into yourself
and disappear.
To hide in some dark hole
with a warm blanket
and forgot you even exist.
The truth,
the absolute truth about depression
is that you are alone.
No one will understand
the thoughts racing through your head
No one will see the pain
hidden in your eyes
and no one
can even begin to understand
how much
you don't want to be this way.
I don't.
William Styron, author, writes about the pain of depression, "That the word 'indescribable' should present itself is not fortuitous, since it has to be emphasized that if the pain were readily describable most of the countless sufferers from this ancient affliction would have been able to confidently depict for their friends and loved ones (even their physicians) some of the actual dimensions of their torment, and perhaps elicit a comprehension that has been generally lacking; such incomprehension has usually been not due to a failure of sympathy but to a basic inability of healthy people to imagine a form of torment so alien to everyday experience."
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