Letter

Dear Andrew,

So here I am again,
Looking at your pictures
wondering how we could have denied this
all along.

The universe works in a mysterious way,
And don't get me started on God.

You showed me a beautiful light
Your death
came so suddenly
that I collapsed when
Sean broke the news.

I still have those queasy,
uneasy moments
when out of no where
I lose my balance
and am back to square one.

Your life was beautiful
in some sick, twisted way.

Some days
I go through my phone
looking at your number
debating if I should call you
just to hear your voice again.

Dear Andrew,
There has not been an easy day
since you left.

Some nights,
I lay here.
And think.
And think.
And think.
Until my heart stops.
My eyes cringe.
And tears lull me to sleep.

You know what's hard?

No one understanding.

And what is worse?

The voice in my head telling me
that no one will ever understand.

My life
is a cracked glass house.
One wrong gust of wind
and I will shatter again.

Dear Andrew,

You showed me how beautiful
each day is.
You showed me Heaven,
and love,
forgiveness
and the pain of grief.
All gifts equal in value.

You gave me hope
that one day
we shall meet again.

That one day
I will wake up
and it will all be a dream.

That we are young,
and you are here
with me.

God,
I would do anything to get you back
to fix what has been broken.

But what has been done
cannot be undone.

And maybe it is better that way.
Maybe you fixed us
by breaking yourself.

Dear Andrew,

I miss you.
I will see you when I get home.

Love,
Kirsten