My Father's Eyes

The world sits still in these brief moments

As the sun rises up above the horizon

Slowly, 

gently

Waking the sleeping world.

He sits quietly,

watching life be restored

to all the hiding creatures.

In these moments

he sees a life he once knew

so well

He sees his own childish wonders

that, not so long ago,

began to fade out

as the years bore down on him.

Alone in his travels,

he often thinks of the one he has lost

holding a picture between his thumbs

whispering quiet prayers to a God 

he's not sure he can trust anymore

asking for a sign

asking to speak to him again

for a second chance  

He thinks of how the years flown by

How grown his once young children now are

The grand house, that once housed them all,

is near empty.  

Memories, 

Like ghosts,

Play on repeat 

throughout his house,

throughout his mind.

The old photos,

big smiles,

and still life laughs

He closes his eyes

takes a big breath,

and releases an even bigger sigh

The love in his heart 

aches.

But as morning turns to evening,

and he comes home to his beautiful wife,

and the youngest of his children,

He is reminded of how blessed he is to be here.

The pictures of his older children 

living the life he helped to prepare them for

The love he feels in his heart

when saying goodbye on the phone

not knowing when they will see each other 

next.

But knowing that he is loved.

Knowing that his effort was not in vain

The world sits still in these brief moments

As the sun rises up above the horizon

Slowly, 

gently

Waking the sleeping world.

He closes his eyes,

momentarily.

Takes a deep breath,

Opens his eyes,

and continues forward.

I want more than this.

I want more than lying awake at night,
scared.
Contemplating if I should lock the doors
or if it's all just a dream and I'm fine.

Thinking of every regret,
every mistake,
and who I have left to apologize to
or to thank

Nights like these when I wish
I could tune it all out
and just sleep

Just drift off
into
Neverland

And never come back.

Beyond the awful reality
that at some point or another
you're going to lose
someone whom you love,
and perhaps,
someone whom you love
most of all.

Beyond the guilty thoughts
that maybe it should have been me instead

It's 12:41 p.m.
The wind chimes
are softly singing
the light of midday
gentle, and calm
drifts with me
into a day dream

Identity

Every day without you is a reminder
of how we have survived your void.
Barely.

The holes in our hearts are gaping
but we have managed to patch them up
poorly,
but just enough to continue on.

To make the world
that much more beautiful
For you.

“But how can I learn to live in a world that doesn’t include my brother? All my life, I’ve always been my brother’s sister; it’s part of my identity, part of who I am. My brother is part of my past; we share a common history. And we had plans for the future.” 
― T.J. Wray

Finally found a quote that spoke specifically to me. Like CS Lewis says, death is like an amputation.  Losing my brother was like cutting away my own identity.  A few days before his passing, we had talked about him coming down to 'Bama to visit.  Talked about him checking out the air museum on base, and how he was excited to enlist, and maybe he could become a pilot one day like he had always dreamed.  We laughed about my recent visit with our grandparents, and his stories from the last few months.  Talked about what was  coming up for each of us.  Then my phone died, and I never got to say "Bye, love you."  The only time that I forgot (it's important to our family to say it) and then a couple days later, he was gone.

I've told this story a hundred times by now, but I still am in disbelief by how sudden death came and flipped our world upside-down.  Every Friday that it rains reminds me of when I heard the news.  Going numb in my legs.  Crying even though I knew it wouldn't change anything.  Writhing in bed when I was sobbing too hard to sleep and the pain was too much.  My husband having to leave shortly after the death and funeral for an Army training, and being alone to grieve (I was relieved to be alone truth be told).  Putting on a strong face when he came home to tell myself that I'm better than this.  Trying to survive each day, and sleep through the night.  The nights when I lie in bed thinking of who I still need to talk to, to tell whoever it is "I love you, and I'm proud of you." Thinking of those I've hurt and all my regrets.  While I keep telling my brain to shut up and let me rest.

Or the nights when the pain comes back, sharply stabbing into my heart (there's a physical pain associated by grief in case you didn't know, which is pretty interesting to think about).  My husband being asleep, and there's no one else awake to talk to.  Or the people who have never lost and try to give you advice, or tell you how to live.  Hiding from friends because you're too depressed to show your face.  Every date of significance, dreading someone mentioning him, but then again, dreading that they don't.

Seeing my parents in pain, and knowing that there's nothing we can do, as the remaining children, to fix the hurt in their heart.  The late night phone calls with sobbing on the other end, comforting my cousin.  Afraid to cry too, wanting to be strong and pick everyone else back up while some days... on the inside I feel like I'm the one dying.  Trying to avoid the subject with friends, or act casual when it's brought up.  Getting the weird looks with my calm approach.  Exploring my spirituality while walking blind in the dark, then turned away by the candle I thought was burning the brightest.

Only God can judge me. I cannot wait until the day we meet again.
You have made me numb,
You have made me crumble.
You have created a world
too cruel to live in.
Too beautiful
to live without.

Each moment without you reminds me
of our own mortality.

One day, my dear brother, we will meet again.

A God to Hope For

Loud shrieks
And heavy tears
That reveal only pain
Only the raw pain and sadness
Caused by losing
What once was loved so dearly

Now gone
Somewhere else distant
A Heaven to dream of
and a God to hope for.

I miss you beyond words.

“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I'm ready to open my eyes
to find you
to be glorified in the cleansing light
of love
of life.

I'm ready to wake up.

"If I only could make a deal with God"

Every Friday
Feels like the beginning


Like the stitches have been ripped out
and the skin pulled back
leaving the raw flesh
to burn in the fresh air

Every phone call from family
sends me back into shock
wondering who it is this time
that we've lost

Waking up,
feeling alive.
Knowing that
I have survived.

And the pain of that knowledge
rots me from the inside

When you left this world
you took a piece of all of us.

Never again
shall we feel complete.
Whole.

We struggle.
Wandering in the darkness
Running from the invisible monsters
that haunt our very dreams


We hope
for a better tomorrow.
No.
To see the other side.
To escape this world.

The only pain worse than losing,
is the pain of knowing
the greatness of what
you have lost.

Dreaming.

God,

I'm just lying here

waiting for you to save me.

Waiting for you to send me 

towards my awaiting dreams.

They are calling to me

whispering sweet nothings

into my drowsy ears

God,

You know what I'm looking for.

Who I'm hoping to see.

Please

Please let me sleep.

I need to sleep.

To dream.

"After the war we said we'd fight together
I guess we thought that's just what humans do
Letting darkness grow
As if we need its palette and we need its colour
But now I've seen it through
And now I know the truth

That anything could happen"

excerpt from Ellie Goulding's song Anything Could Happen