Identity

Every day without you is a reminder
of how we have survived your void.
Barely.

The holes in our hearts are gaping
but we have managed to patch them up
poorly,
but just enough to continue on.

To make the world
that much more beautiful
For you.

“But how can I learn to live in a world that doesn’t include my brother? All my life, I’ve always been my brother’s sister; it’s part of my identity, part of who I am. My brother is part of my past; we share a common history. And we had plans for the future.” 
― T.J. Wray

Finally found a quote that spoke specifically to me. Like CS Lewis says, death is like an amputation.  Losing my brother was like cutting away my own identity.  A few days before his passing, we had talked about him coming down to 'Bama to visit.  Talked about him checking out the air museum on base, and how he was excited to enlist, and maybe he could become a pilot one day like he had always dreamed.  We laughed about my recent visit with our grandparents, and his stories from the last few months.  Talked about what was  coming up for each of us.  Then my phone died, and I never got to say "Bye, love you."  The only time that I forgot (it's important to our family to say it) and then a couple days later, he was gone.

I've told this story a hundred times by now, but I still am in disbelief by how sudden death came and flipped our world upside-down.  Every Friday that it rains reminds me of when I heard the news.  Going numb in my legs.  Crying even though I knew it wouldn't change anything.  Writhing in bed when I was sobbing too hard to sleep and the pain was too much.  My husband having to leave shortly after the death and funeral for an Army training, and being alone to grieve (I was relieved to be alone truth be told).  Putting on a strong face when he came home to tell myself that I'm better than this.  Trying to survive each day, and sleep through the night.  The nights when I lie in bed thinking of who I still need to talk to, to tell whoever it is "I love you, and I'm proud of you." Thinking of those I've hurt and all my regrets.  While I keep telling my brain to shut up and let me rest.

Or the nights when the pain comes back, sharply stabbing into my heart (there's a physical pain associated by grief in case you didn't know, which is pretty interesting to think about).  My husband being asleep, and there's no one else awake to talk to.  Or the people who have never lost and try to give you advice, or tell you how to live.  Hiding from friends because you're too depressed to show your face.  Every date of significance, dreading someone mentioning him, but then again, dreading that they don't.

Seeing my parents in pain, and knowing that there's nothing we can do, as the remaining children, to fix the hurt in their heart.  The late night phone calls with sobbing on the other end, comforting my cousin.  Afraid to cry too, wanting to be strong and pick everyone else back up while some days... on the inside I feel like I'm the one dying.  Trying to avoid the subject with friends, or act casual when it's brought up.  Getting the weird looks with my calm approach.  Exploring my spirituality while walking blind in the dark, then turned away by the candle I thought was burning the brightest.

Only God can judge me. I cannot wait until the day we meet again.
You have made me numb,
You have made me crumble.
You have created a world
too cruel to live in.
Too beautiful
to live without.

Each moment without you reminds me
of our own mortality.

One day, my dear brother, we will meet again.