I'm trying to get better

to get through this

to be the person 

you need me to be

but I don't know

how much more I can take

On my knees

I look to the dark sky

begging for more time

for another chance

just something

to make thing change

but it's all for nothing

I know what

needs to be done

but I am hesitating

I am watching

you 

hold me together 

as I let you fall apart.  

I am selfish.

I want to let go.

I want to scream and cry and fight and utterly destroy myself to get back what we once had

but I am exhausted 

and I know

that it is all for nothing.

I just need to pick up my own pieces.

If only it were so easy.

Story Elements

Because sometimes

words are not enough

to speak the volumes

that exist between us

within us

And sometimes

words ignore

that the main character

is falling apart. 

Green

Things have been changing
all around me

I grew complacent with
where we were in our lives
I loved you.
I trusted in the normalcy
that we had fallen into.

And I guess
nothing can ever
happen the same way twice
and nothing
can ever stay stagnant
but I thought maybe we could
live within our castle walls

Safe.
In stasis.

But we've changed.

Life rearranged.

We're different people
than we once were.

I look at you
with sober eyes
wondering
how we got here
how we came so far.

You came down
from your high
and looked back
at me
with the same green eyes
that have pierced my
soul
so many times
and wondered
how
time got away
from us.

And as we fall
into each other
at the end of each day
we cling
tooth
and nail
to the hope
that we are enough.
For each other.
For ourselves.

Happy

Because when it came down to it

I knew we couldn't stay as we were

I knew we couldn't exist in 

a stasis that fluctuated 

like the raging seas

as dark skies and

roaring thunder approaches.

Because when it came down to it

I knew we could never be happy.  

Who

If not me

Then

Who?

If we fall apart

Then we fall together.

If we are broken

Then we will be pieced back

As one.

If she is alone

She will be surrounded

By love

And will be comforted.

If not us

Then there is nothing

That can bring us back.

If not me

Then

You tell me

-Who?

The Sins for which I must Atone

I was born

In the fires

Of tragedy

Delivered

Unto this world

In the pools

Of sorrow

And horrific suffering

Tantalized

Into thinking

I am worthy of

A shot at happiness

When it’s torn from

My hands so quickly

That I am left

Once again

Drowning.

I was born

In the pools

Of regrets and

If onlys

Only able to shake my head

And ask what it is

That I must atone for

Because

What have I done?

What is it that led me here?

My arms

And hands

Grasp in the water around me

For leverage

But there is nothing.

Darkness has fallen

Upon my soul.

-

Smothered

There's a weight in my chest that smothers me as I breathe.

I'm choking and choking

On the thought of where

We go from here.

I'm blinded by a fear

That fogs visions

And my thoughts

And I just want to drown

In the madness around me.

I want to let go.

I want to wake up

From this sick nightmare

Because this phantom

Sitting on my chest

Is smothering the life

Out of me.

I just want to go home.

I just

Want to go

Home.

Clarity

The sky
once
ominous
-threatening-
is clear
with beautiful
reds, blues,
and purples
spanning like the waves
on a beach
and the sand
that's been washed
clean. 

The Ominous Horizon

The day begins
to break
as our
words
fade into
the solitude
of night

Our Night
Mother
weeps quietly
at the words
that
were whispered
-the wounds
left undressed-

The sting
of the fiery
sun
exposes
past sins
forgotten
in the well
of everlasting
time

And yet
we emerge
unbroken.
Shattered.
But
untouched.

The guilt
tears
at these decaying
walls
as they
crumble
into
oblivion

We lay upon
frozen grounds
wondering
what
brought
us here.

It is these moments
Between the laughter
The smiles
And the moments
Of feeling
Like
For once
We belong

That I live for.

Lying here 
in the
calignosity
that surrounds
us

Watching
the subtle changes
in this void
as your back rises with
each breath
and
then
falls

Dread 
fills
the pit
of my
stomach
as I hold it
with both hands
and count the
seconds
between
the minutes
and it seems
endless.

The  words
that I left
unspoken
sit heavily
on my
chest
but I realize
that they
would
do more 
harm
than good.

And so
I pull the blanket
up over  my head
and lose myself
into the abyss.

Down
down
down
I go

back down
into the
abyss
as it
calls
so clearly
to me.

But this time
it
was
a
jump.

The leaves fell
uneasily
that day.

A heavy gloom
sat tense
in the air.

The road
was long,
but today
it seemed
even longer.

My legs
were tired
and my
throat
choked
down the
air
dense
with
unconfronted
anxieties

Trudging along
amongst
the dying leaves
no longer
bright
with their
vibrant
reds and yellows,
but
various shades
of death,
decay
and
unresolved
matters
of contention.

- I think about
all of
my lasts
and wish
that this was
one
of them.

I kick myself
for even
contemplating it
but, God,
I'm so tired.

My heart heavy
each night
with a guilt
that isn't deserved
as I flutter
between sleep
and unrest.

-
The leaves
fell
uneasily
that day.
It was the last of many.

The sun was hot
but the sky was grey.

My chest
was heavy
with the feeling
of fighting
a battle
you just want to quit
because
honestly
what is the point
to any of this
to all of this

I would torture myself
for all of these hours
if it were for nothing
and yet
the road grows longer
and the days
shorter
and I just
don't think
that I'm going to make it home
tonight
for supper

I just don't think I will.

I don't

I don't
want to.

I said...
I said -

I said once
that I would never
give up on you
but I wrote the book
On Letting Go

and I know very well
what it's like to be alone.

The Volunteer

I grasped at straws
looking for an answer
but nothing touched
toward
anything
that I wanted to say.

My soul felt empty.

The stress dreams
woke me
in the dead of night
as sweat drenched
through my thin
blankets
and
the stress of
life washed
over me
as if I am nothing
but a victim
to the universe's
pull toward
desolation.

But the difference
is that
I'm not a victim.
I'm a willing
volunteer.

As Twilight Fades

We sat down

and watched 

as the world

fell apart

around

us 

like snow

on a quiet day.

~

Did you know

the way

that 

the sun 

hits 

your eyes

makes 

this pain

almost

feel alright?

The 

way

you catch me

as my

chest 

collapses

under

the pressure 

of letting go

reminds me

that 

I am not

so vastly 

alone.  

~

But as twilight fades 

to night

the ghosts whisper 

the list

of the sins in which 

I must atone

I close my

eyes

breathe

and wish 

one last time

to just 

go home. 

Obliteration

The alcohol

burns

just slightly

as it slides

down 

my coarse 

throat.

I told myself

I wouldn't

let myself

get down 

here 

again

but

Peering 

through chipped ice

and shattered 

memories

It became

blatantly

apparent

that I need more

to fill 

this void.

Another

The alchemist 

goes to work

on her  piece

of art

Potions

and poisons

combined 

to cure 

my aching heart.

What is it

that you require?

Something

to tear me apart.

She nods sagely

and turns to 

complete the 

masterpiece

before 

she presents

to me 

a vial of  

my cure.

I sip it

and feel it

warm 

my cold body.

A sick smile

crosses my lips

A faint laugh

escapes my chest

One sip

and 

then 

two.

Another.
Help me

Another.

Please

Another.

Until I can't 

seem 

to 

rem

em

b

er 

Until the room

is spinning

out

of 

control

In 

the

chaos

finding

peace

Only 

momentarily

feeling

the pain

crashing

down

upon

my chest

Another.

Until 

my eye lids

fall heavily.

Until 

your name

is just

a blur

and nothing 

even matters.

Another.

Another.

Another.

Until nothing

fucking 

matters. 

We know
all too well
the destruction
that comes
when
we tear
each other apart

And you know 
I would never
purposely
let you down

This silence
is killing me.

We sat here once before
looking guiltily
down
at our blistered hands
Ashamed
of what we had done
and
we had vowed
that
nothing
like that would ever
happen again

But here we are.

And you just
will not
listen to me.

You do not
want to
and what can I do
but sit here
screaming through
the pouring rain
and ferocious wind
hoping
that you will
hear me. 

That you will look
and see
through the drops
of rain
falling
down
the
pain
in
my
eyes
and
remember
all
of the moments
we had
forced
ourselves
to say
goodbye
and
remember
the
promises
made
in
the
high
times
should
be kept
during
the low.

I never wanted things
to end this way.

But this storm
just brings
silence. 
And that silence
is deafening
to my aching
ears.

I want to scream
I want to scream
until my throat
has run dry
until my voice
cracks
and I can
taste blood
when I swallow
down
my hurting pride.

Instead
I go back to my old ways
holding myself tightly
feeling
each muscle tighten
in on itself
and try to
hide somewhere
within myself.

You know 
I would never
purposely
let you down.

This
silence
ties a noose
pops one too many pills
loads and aims the gun
right at my temple
holds the shaking razors to my wrists
slowly watches as I fade away

This silence
is
killing
me.

You turn to watch,
clench closed
your eyes.
And 
turn 
away. 

The night has closed
down on us
and
the day

the encroaching,
unpromising
day
creeps across
the dark
land
spreading
her menacing
fingers out
-murdering
our last moments
in our
drunken
stupor

in our restless
dreams

in our  nightly
fits of rage

The day
the hideous
insideous
destructive 
day
stealing
our
darkness
away.

Some days
we pretend that
everything
is alright
and that
time
has moved on.

But another year
has passed
by me
like sand
in
the hourglass
and
I am tormented
by a guilt
and the
nightmares
that
you
are never
coming
back.

- It  is
so easy
to feign
some semblance
of normalcy

-It is the
admission
that
our lives
are
so vastly
split
apart
with the loss
of you.

Home

Memories 

begin 

to 

fade

into a foggy

recollection

of

a time

or 

place.

To be open

and 

honest

I don't even 

remember 

what it took

for me

to 

get here.

The only peace I know

is the feeling

of his heartbeat 

as I rest my head

upon his chest

and the day 

fades to night.

-

The only peace I know

are the moments 

with family

in which 

we fall 

back into

our roles

and 

life

seems to go back 

to normal

the tape has been rewound 

The early mornings

on the road

The late nights

being tucked in

The stories read

The stories told

The scrapes

and the bruises

The loved

and the lost

I could go on 

forever.

The only peace 

I know

are the moments

in which 

I feel

like

I am 

back 

home. 

It is morning.
I can tell
because
there is a
faint light
fading through
the darkness
and
you're not here.

Because
when I looked into
his eyes
there was a pain
that he couldn't seem to hide

A pain
that
resided
within him
despite
the waning time.

And it was in his eyes
that I fell
apart.

And as I sat upon
the
edge
of
the world

I thought
back to
every moment
we ever shared
-the good
-the bad
-and the awkward in between.

The years
left us
with little
but love
and
even that
had worn
thin.

But
it occurred
to me
in a fleeting
thought
that
you never
showed me
your darkness.

We were
so caught up
in living out
the good times
that
I let it slip
right by
the wayside.

And
as I sat there
on the
very edge
of the world

it occurred to me
that
this was
the end.

Begin Again

Stop.

Breathe.

-

Stop.

-

Begin.

Again.

-

Let me ask 

you a 

question:

What is 

your truth? 

And how 

did you come 

to find it?

-

Relax.

Breathe.

Answer me.

-

Stop.

-

Begin. Again.

-

Let us explore 

something else:

Where does 

your reality end

and

where does 

mine begin?

And

What are 

their differences?

-

You

look

perplexed.

Shall I repeat?

No.

-

Begin again.

-

Final question 

for now:

Tell me-

Who are you?

Not your name.

Your character.

Your soul.

Your eternal being.

And what do you crave?

-

Stop.

The Monotony of Enough

The days were monotonous-
but he lived through them
anyway.

Each action-
waking,
rising,
brushing his teeth,
showering,
dressing,
drinking that
shitty cup of coffee
that he needed
to get him through his repetitive day
of fixing everyone else's problems
while no one cared to listen
to his
but he told himself he found
joy and peace in it all
and so he was okay.

He was
okay.

He
was
oh-

Sometimes he just
wanted to scream
to tear at his hair
and cry
and ask god
or anyone
why is this was happening to him?

-kay.

And yeah
he had a good life-
a place to call home
a reputable job
and a wife who
made him feel like he was
her world.

but when the day
faded to night
and she turned over in bed
-his fingers running through her smooth hair
-lightly caressing her soft skin
he couldn't help but wonder
if there was anything else
he could do to make ends meet
to build something
out of nothing
but
My god
there is nothing
utterly nothing
left
and nowhere left to go.

and so he lays in a quiet
disbelief
wondering
if it will always be like this
as she sleeps peacefully by his side.

Defeated
but alive
and for now
that had to be enough.

It just has to be
enough.

It is all Alright

And so

the sun

rose again without

any concern

to anyone

Slowly 

over the jagged

rock-carved 

mountains

and it was

all

alright.

Hell,

it was perfection

across the 

skyline.

Like emerging 

from a darkened cave

I rise from the 

comfort 

of my warm nest,

blankets tangled around me

-sun caressing me
through
my opened window

like a gentle touch

arousing me from 

my dreams.

A familiar melody

engraved into 

each soul

The sound of the universe

playing back through

my untrained ears

and it was

all

alright.

Shades of reds,

yellows,

purples, whites, 

and blues

colliding

combining

and falling apart 

into a painted masterpiece

before my very eyes

The eccentricities 

vastly their own

astonishingly 

connected

and yet

even behind their lids

it all stays 

stitched together

Emotions are created through

chemical reactions

based on our preformulated

conceptions and

biology.

Time is fleeting 

with each 

heartbeat
-each breath.

Hair a wild mess

but a smile crosses my 

face

nonetheless.

Because it

is alright.

It is all

alright. 

Underneath It All

She played with time
between her finger tips
like it was nothing at all.

And, yeah,
I suppose I was envious
of that.

When I looked at her
she was at peace with it
-whatever it was-

But what I wanted and what she was
were two different things.

Isn't it funny how time changes us?
and yet,
At the heart of it,
we're still the same.

I would watch her
as she would fabricate
a whole new universe
before my very eyes
and I would wonder
where in that universe
I could fit in
or if I even would.

She played with time
like it was just a fond memory
and she existed somewhere
between it all.

I suppose
I should have asked her
for her secrets
but her closed lips
and distanced stare
told me all I needed to know
I wasn't ready.

But sometimes
I would lie awake
at night
and think about the electricity
that flowed through her
and the galaxies glowing
behind her dark eyes.

I don't know.
But I wish I did.

I'm not lost
but
I'm certainly not found
and I guess
that's just what scares me the most.

There is a solitude

that I crave

in the most fundamental form

Disappearing 

into the wind

behind the tethered

veil

~
Gone. 

Falling Apart

The ways

we fell apart-

your stoic mask.

my uneasy breaths. 

-

And as we spiraled down

this slope of uncertainty

we knew not 

of each others

struggles.

I looked through you

and you through me

insistent on our own

suffering. 

~

I hold my breath 

exhale

and 

begin.

~

The 

      ways

we

     fell

a

  p

ar

t