Beauty

I cannot help but ask you...

Do you see what I see?

A grey sky.

Slow pouring rain.
Watering the living green
trees as they wave in excitement
at the life source they so desperately need.

Lightning in the far off distance.
Not rolling in,
Waiting just far enough away
to let us know
Danger is on the horizon.

The wind is existent enough
to brush through the chimes.
Like a light in the darkness,
but rather a song of hope
during a desolate time.

A song of hope
to remind us
there is beauty
in even the darkest
of places.

As I drift into a new world

I wonder;

a last thought...

What things await me

in my darkest hour

Revival

Hush, child.

I know what you want.
Close your eyes.
It will all be over soon.
Close your beautiful eyes.
And trust
that it will all be over
so very soon.

Forget every hurt
Every regret
Misunderstanding
Heartache

Think of those moments
of sheer joy
affection and tender love
those fond memories
that you keep locked away
in the back of your mind
that you keep hidden for a rainy day
or at least,
that's what you tell yourself,
you haven't looked back on those
in a long, long while

Think of the moments
when you felt alive
when you felt that in that moment
that you could have died
and it would have meant
the world to you

Now open your eyes,
Child,
Awaken
For you have been
Revived.

Sleep

I can't sleep.

Or,
okay. I can.

If I call it insomnia
someone will tell me
that I'm uninformed
and with knowledge
I could fix myself.

You can't fix the guilt that keeps me up at night.
You can't fix the sadness that pours in like a flood
as soon as I'm alone in the dark.

And for all the praying that I've done
it doesn't change the fact
that I have my own regrets.

God,
or no god.

I have a past that I wish I could edit
take all the bad parts out
go back and say sorry
to everyone I hurt.

No,
I'm not a bad person.
But I can't help but feel that way
when I begin to close my eyes.

And when I do sleep,
I can't help but confront my demons
so I yell out in terror
and scream
some nights I cry.

I awake feeling even more tired than the night before.

I am not calling myself a victim,
nor am I trying to play that part.

But I am sad.
I do feel awfully alone.
And some nights I'm afraid to go to sleep
in fear of what I'll see behind closed eyes.

The truth of who I really am deep down
who I keep locked away.

Every good deed shattered
by each and every individual
poor choice,
wrong decision
misinterpreted word

So why don't I sleep soundly through the night?
I think you get the idea.

Innocence Lost (A snapshot in time)

And it was then that I realized what I hadn't for much too long.   He was dying long before I could even recognize what pain truly was.  The straight A student, shy and kind who suddenly came home angry late at night and would throw rocks at my window until I woke up to unlock the door for him.  The coming down from a high; the terror in his eyes.  How did I not see it before?

"At least he'll no longer be troubled by his demons."

Those demons killed the little boy he once was.  Childhood fear of growing up ate away at Peter Pan's heart until he escaped to Neverland.  What was it that led to the corruption of his once innocent soul?  What crept inside of his mind to torment him in his restless dreams?  That woke him in the dead of night with a bloodied nose, and teary eyes.  I'm sorry I didn't know how to save you.  

My peers talk about what they believe corrupts children, but they are too far detached.  I will tell you what corrupts them...

Fear. 

The monsters under the bed.  Ghosts in the forest. That in the darkness, demons lurk.

Slowly transforming into

The fear of not measuring up.  The fear of being shy in a class full of rambunctious children.  That the first impression may as well be your death sentence.  The fear of letting those who love you down. 

And then...

all those fears coming true.

Living in a nightmare.  Not knowing how to escape from no one but yourself.

And then,

Fearing who you turned into.

That is corruption my friends.  Corruption is being scared to make friends because if they knew who you really were, they would realize that you're a sick souled freak searching for something more than skin-deep acquaintances.  Just looking for someone who understands the pain that you can no longer escape.  Someone to share the burden of growing-up with.

Corruption is that sunk feeling in your chest, more specifically your heart, that you are doomed.  That shame lingering when in a room full of "saints" that you are incredibly naked.  The creeping thought that you would rather end it all here and now, because you can't take looking at yourself in the mirror.  You can't take the beauty of the world because you are not worthy.  

It is when you hide from those you love because you are ashamed of who you are.  

When you put on a mask of being fine just fine

when on the inside you are screaming that you want help.  

The fear of not being loved.  

It was then, sitting in a room full of acquaintances from church that I realized what I hadn't before.  And through my pain, I saw his own and asked myself, "How could I have been so blind?" 

Watching corruption, naturally leads to becoming corrupt.

And with my downfall, I should have realized his.

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

What No One Else Sees

I swallow hard
The dry lining of my throat
aches
with the rest of my body
as I stand
watching the rest of the world
move on.

Children laughing and playing
Friends talking and joking
The trees dancing in the wind
as the Earth continues
to rotate on her axis

The sun continues to rise
despite how often it sets.

But the empty feeling
in my chest
feels somewhat similar
to nausea
and dizziness

Anxious
that no one says a word
or worse
that someone does

The tears are just below the surface
and one word
will bring me over the edge.

You are not supposed to run
from yourself.
But each day
I throw that side of me
to the wayside
corner her
and tie her up
tell her to be quiet
and to leave me alone.

but
The shrieks break through the duct tape
more often than not

And I am left
listening to myself
looking at my mirror image
disappointed
by how I turned out.

Disappointed that I can't keep it together

I don't want you to understand
but more than anything else in the world
I do.

Someone who feels the pain
that burns
slowly
on the inside
while holding up a mask
on the outside
as if the pain is nothing
and each day
truly is a blessing.

I write words of hope
but I can hardly believe them
myself

Maybe
 if I say I do
for long enough
perhaps I will.

Perhaps we can overcome.

I  have cried
for much too long.

Hope

Yesterday is over.
And strange as it sounds
there is still hope for us
to continue on
no matter how deep
the pain is buried
in your sewn up chest

No matter how dark the day is
before the sun rises-
The sun will always rise
and welcome you
into a new day

No matter your suffering...
there is hope, Friend.
There is a tomorrow
that we must live for.

I speak the words
that my generation
is too afraid to utter

That there is something more
than these white walls,
rubbed red eyes
and black clothes

More than a small
two star town (at best)
and a torn high school degree

There is a hope
that one day
we will get out of here
escape beyond these crowding walls

Do you feel the days bearing down on you?
Wearing down your weakened bones
and your world caving in?

Do not give up.
There is the hope
that tomorrow will bring you peace
and if not tomorrow
than the day after.

My Dearest Friend,
You cannot give up so easily.
Do you not see the pain
in your mother's smile?
The ache in your father's words?
The worry
in your truest friend's eyes.


God,
What has happened to us?
Where is the hope that
once filled our innocent souls?

But if there is not a hope
for a better tomorrow-
No.
You must hope for it
You must defeat your demons
You must rise up
and live

These days have dragged on
But there is no time to give up.

Yesterday is over
And as hard as it is to believe
the pain that burns
in the deepest depths of your chest
Will not kill you today.

I shant allow it
Not today
Not ever.
For I am with you.
Step by step
ache to ache

Your suffering 
will not be in vain.

Today will be a beautiful day.
You are alive.

All you must do
is 
Breathe 

Home.

When you left this world,
we all held our breath
as if it were a joke
and we were waiting
for the punch line.

The punch line
is that you're never coming back
and we're left
to remember you
and all that we left unsaid

When you left,
the world stood still
for what felt like eternity
but was only days.

Slow churning days
Like trying to get the last drop
of molasses out of the jar

Accepting it
was almost too hard

But of what you took with you,
you forgot something.
Or maybe it was on purpose.
A gift for us.

You left the beauty of the world.

The gift of breathing.
Of a true deep breathe.
Of a sincere smile
A real laugh.

And how even rainy days
hold some sort of magic

The world crying over the loss
of another young soul

Reminding us
of our own mortality.
We are no stronger
than our home.

"Will you still love me
When I'm no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me
When I got nothing but my aching soul?
I know you will, I know you will
I know that you will
Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?"
-Young and Beautiful, Lana Del Rey

I guess I'm just tired
of wonder how long it will be
until I see you again.

Each day is a reminder
of how much you have missed
and how much I have missed you.

If only I could see your face
once more.

The Excerpt of Agape

And so I asked him,
"Do you truly
love me?"

He took my hand,
warmth filling my heart,
and replied,
"Truly.
I could never
leave you,
my child."

"And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409

And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today

As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me

Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds

But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all

And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room

Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news

And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?"

Lyrics of What Sarah Said, 

By Death Cab For Cutie

The Island of Dreams

This island is sinking
below the clear ocean's waters
And, my God,
It is beautiful.

It is so beautiful.

Wisdom

You probably don't understand me...
and that's okay.  I don't expect you to.
You are not me,
Nor am I, you.

You read my thoughts.
We never discuss.
But we could if you wanted to
And that is just how our relationship works

I've been told that I am wise beyond my years
but what gift is that?
It is a curse.

What is wisdom
If I don't fully understand
how to wield it.

And as the good book says:
But of the tree of knowledge
of good and evil,
thou shalt not eat of it
for in the day that thou eatest there
of thou shalt surely die.

Tainted by darkness
Fading innocence
Corruption lurking
In the furthest reaches
                of my mind.

But I will escape.

Have faith,
I am not a prisoner
in my own body.

Or at least,
I won't always be.

For someday
I shall escape

I am...

Wise with the knowledge
that I am not good
nor am I evil
I simply am.

The knowledge that
I care and love
and though that may not be enough
I must keep trying

There is a choice to go on
even when the outcome is unbeknownst
to us all

I am
-not because I am afraid
but because I yearn to be more
to grow
and better understand

-not because I must
but because what good is it to live tomorrow
if you wasted today?

I am not wise beyond my years,
I am young within the confines of my heart
clinging onto the last remaining strands
of innocence
almost too short and frayed
to hold onto
but long enough to try

I love and hope to be loved in return
Where I once was hurt, I have forgiven
Though once,
I was lost, I have been found
and despite my past tears,
I now smile

Knowing that this journey
is my own to take

And if I awake before it is complete,
I ask that you allow me
to fall back into my sweet dream
of climbing out of the darkness
and into this beautiful light.

Dear God,

I miss my brother.  I miss when we were all young, and happy.  I miss my parents reading me bedtime stories, and Andrew and Josh sneaking into my room to say "Goodnight, Boo."

Lord, how did this happen?  How did we grow up to be so different?  So far from where we started.  Grant me the power to understand how we got here.  To understand why Andrew has left us.

Each night, I close my eyes and pray to you.  I pray asking you to guide me home, to show me back to your Heavenly Kingdom, and to reunite me with Andrew... but you tell me my journey is far from over.   It feels like it's over.  I am too tired these days, God.  I pray to you for the strength to wake in the morning, but sometimes that's not enough.  Sometimes I can feel the demon sitting on my chest; he's too strong to fight when I am alone.

Some days, all that I can do is sit and wonder how much longer I will be a prisoner to this madness.  But when my love walks through the door, I feel your light enter my home once more.  How could that be?  He has no idea how much he means to me.

We used to be such a close family.  Such a loving family.  I guess we still are... but it's not the same.  A piece of the puzzle is missing, and we all know where it is
but can't get it back.  You've placed it in a spot we can't quite reach.

God... I miss my brothers and my parents.  I miss my whole family.  I miss just feeling like we were complete. These days I just feel so empty.

Lord,
Complete me.

With love,
Always

The Gift

Everyday is a gift
whether you realize it or not

Everyday is beautiful
rain or sun
good day
or
bad day

The sickness lingering inside of me
makes me weak
but with you
I am strong
I can move mountains
I can smile
and be myself
and be proud
of who I am

Where once I was blind
lost in the perpetual darkness
You brought me light
You guided me home

But if today is a gift
I cannot wait
for what tomorrow brings

More Than Life

Quiet comfort

The silence between two

Two fated souls

Waiting for the day

that Death shows up

on his glorious golden 

chariot

to take them both away

Two souls

desperate 

for nothing more

than to continue onward

towards the fiery sun

the glimmering stars

and the ever expanding

universe

All painted up 

on the canvas of the sky

Quiet comfort 

The light squeeze

in a hand hold

and a nod

to show empathy 

but more importantly

love

To show that the days

have grown longer

and more tiring

but that

Love 

I am here for you always

And that I need you

More than life,

I need you

Here

With me 

Always.

The sun has risen up
once again
A new day has come
A page has been turned.

Today we are made
anew

Dear Stranger, (On Losing What You Love)

Dear Stranger,

I know that you have loved, and that you have lost.  I know that late at night, your thoughts eat away at you, devouring your heart and consuming your mind.  It is driving you crazy and there is no escape.  Just more insanity.  

These nights keep you up for many more.  Haunting your waking moments, terrorizing you in your dreams.  

I know that you once loved so desperately, and now, you would do anything to get that love back.  The stone hearted are too lucky.  I know that you would give you heart and your soul, and much, much more even just to give life to that undesired death alone.  

Dear Stranger,

Death comes at the most inconvenient of times, don't you think?  And the worst part, is that no one understands who hasn't lost themselves.  But what is that?  A dead loved one's club? 

The worst thing to say at a funeral:  Man, there's a real stiff in here.  Or, Why so glum?  You look like someone died.  

I could go on forever with these jokes.  I'm not heartless.  But when you lose what you love, you become sad, depressed, and often times feel much too alone.  Moments of joy and pleasure, soon become replaced by feelings of guilt, disbelief, and anger.  Sometimes it is the joining of several in mourning that calls on a joke, or a laugh.  Something to lighten the mood.  

What fun is it to cry all the time?

I cry too often, though it feels like it's not enough.  

I cry for my parents

for my siblings,

my cousins,

aunts, uncles,

grandparents,

but mostly

for losing who I loved

Dear Stranger,

You must keep thinking of those trivial arguments that you had, and regretting them.  Saying to yourself, "If only I could change those last words..."

And even if you could, what then would you say?  And what if it changed the outcome of everything?

In my personal experience, I don't think that saying, "Bye, love you." would have changed the outcome much, but I know it would have changed the guilt I had been feeling for months.  

Or that I regret how angry I was because it ruined years of what could have been great memories.  But that is what it means to be human.  We cannot go back, and that is what makes us truly appreciate the good times, and learn from the bad times.

Dear Friend,

I know each day you feel so alone.  I know each day is a struggle and that no matter how much you try to forget or move on, the guilt piles on, and soon you drown in it.  No one understands.  I know that you need someone, another pleading soul, who will listen.  But who could that be?  Just hold on.

Hold on and listen to me.  Listen and know that you are never alone.  He is with you.  In your heart.  Listen.  Listen to the silence and you will hear him. He would never leave you.

He loves you, and that is what love is... making a promise and keeping it even if you're unsure if you can fulfill it.  Love is doing everything in your power for the other's benefit.  He is here.

He will never leave you, nor will I.

That is what love is.
And I
love you.

With all my heart,
Always.

The Rooms of Heaven

(I cut out the chorus)

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I don't like walking around this old and empty house

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear

The stairs creak as you sleep, it's keeping me awake

It's the house telling you to close your eyes

And some days I can't even trust myself

It's killing me to see you this way

'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks

Soon it will be over and buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young

And full of life and full of love.

Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right

Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear

You're gone, gone, gone away

I watched you disappear

All that's left is the ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,

There's nothing we can do

Just let me go we'll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me

Please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep

~

The next room over,

doesn't seem so far away these days

I see you everywhere

in everything

hear you in the faintest whisper

There's never been a need to yell

Today I miss you.

Yesterday you were here

and tomorrow

this will all seem like a long ago

memory

And one day

it will all make sense

Until then

I can only pray

Hoping that you hear me.