There is this picture
in my mind
-maybe a memory
-maybe a dream

The cool air smells fresh
like fresh water
and green grass

There's this meadow
with a stream running through
Trees lining the perimeter
but their limbs
bowing out 
shading me

Through the trees
the sky is blue
but I'm blinded
by the golden sun,
the rays dancing off
the green leaves.

The grass is tall
and sharp
but I lay there
listening to the
quiet stream.

Flowers in full bloom
engulf  me
drowning me
in my lost innocence.

Peace flows through
my itching veins
like a drug
and I seemed to have
overdosed.

-I will return
to the Earth
from where I came. 

On Moving

Anxiously waiting 

to feel something

-anything

aside from the 

cold breeze

that tears

through the 

swaying trees.

Watching the train 

charging forward 

without restraint 

-knowing that

it will roll me over

utterly destroying

the self-constructed

shell I call 

home.

I cannot help 

but wonder

if this 

-if just this-

is what 

love

has 

done 

to

me.

 

~

I whisper 

through clenched eyes and quivering teeth,

Goodbye.

See you next time. 

~

The seeing glass

shatters between my hands.

What was the saying again?

Everything falls apart.

Within the depths of night
The fear holds me prisoner.
-I am awfully tired.

I don't
believe
in perfection.

I just
don't.

What I do believe in
is this moment-
this here.
This now.

The look
in your eyes.
The feeling of
your skin
against mine.

-I wasn't so sure
what love was
until
I had to live
without.-

Each
and every
time I see you
it is like a
journey
through time.

To when
we first
met.
To when
we will
eventually
depart.

But when
we are together
It appears
that we are
one

-perfect-

Vices.

Time
      Slows
   Down
            Again.

I am drowning
in
my own
        vices.

I crave
the stillness
     that rests
on the edge of
             this
    moment.

-the silence
      that rests
between
       us.

I suppose
   you would
call it
     apathy
but if
               you see
through the
      charade
You would know
thatIcaresofuckingmuchthatIhidebehindtheapearanceofnotcaring

It is
   so much easier
that way.

You would know
that it keeps me awake at night
          through the Nyquil,
through the melatonin,
through the whatever my doctor prescribed me
                    that I am afraid to take
but afraid that I will be kept up by the voices in my head
that whisper sweet nothings into my aching ears
like how much I have done
to hurt you
if I don't take it.

-I don't know-

I crave the
       stillness
that rests on the edge of
                                      my dreams.

The moments between reality
                       when time ceases to exist
                        When rather than being within a framework
we just are. 

But let me uncork this.
But let me unscrew this.
But let me uncap this.
But let me chug this down
-the burning taste running smooth
down my throat. 

Let me drown
(tonight)
in my vices.

And In The Night

I needed something

and I needed it to be

Profound.

I needed it to 

speak to me

louder 

than any words

have ever spoken 

before.

I needed it 

to tell me 

the most fundamental 

truth

of all.

But, alas

What was that truth?

And why did I need it?

The ever

tantalizing truth

Prodding me awake

from the depths of 

sleep.

The quest for fulfillment 

slipping through my clenched 

fingers.

But I think I know

now

What I could have 

never known then

A deep silence 

falls across the calm

waters

The thick fog settles.

The multitude of the 

universe expanding

comes to a rapid halt.

-These wounds

were always 

self-inflicted. 

So many voices 

and they are all

speaking to me.

I close my eyes

and 

I try to breathe.

I will take one pill

than another,

two. 

~

So many voices

and they are all

speaking

to 

me.

I 

try

to 

focus

But my God

this shit 

won't do.

~

So many voices

and they 

all

are speaking

to me.

I push my head underwater

then begin

to breathe. 

It occurs to me

-Sometimes the lies

are all too

true.    

When It Is All Over

For when it is all over
what will be left
of us?

And
what will be left
for us?

When it is all
said
When it is all
done

Will you remember
our first moments?
Will you remember
being together
and how it felt?

I close my eyes
grasping at the last of our firsts

The moments fleeting
before me
like the few moments of darkness
just before dawn breaks.

So I ask one more time of you,

For when it is all over
What will be left of us?
And finally,
what will remain?

Vastly Apart

His eyes-
those eyes...
Those horribly sad eyes.

Peered through me
and pierced my aching soul.

His lips moved
but I cannot seem
to remember his words
-just his face.

His longing
to leave
To be anywhere
than here.

His hands
folded neatly
but scratching at themselves
spoke loud enough
despite his muted words

In the darkness
we sat
in the comforting silence
of expecting the loss
that was approaching us
at a rapid, calculated speed.

We were still.
But
We were together. 

Together
but
soon to be
vastly apart.

The sea is calm

The sky

-clear and blue.

But my heart

is pounding

in the silence 

that looms 

awkwardly amongst us. 

You ask me

"What's wrong?"

And God,

I don't want there 

to be anything wrong

but there is.

"I'm tired." I sigh, "I 

am so tired." 

It's true. 

My bones are weary

Disappointment flows through me.

- I don't want to do this anymore.  

The Backdrop Fades to Grey

I find myself sitting
In silence
As the world
Continues to crumble
Before me.

I reach out with grasping hands
To do something
-anything to fix it
Or even just hold it together before its all
Gone
-Again-
But alas
It is useless

It is so fucking useless.

The backdrop
Fades to grey.