Shattered.

My legs go numb.
My mind shuts down.
And the only word that I can say
Is no.
No. No. No. No. No.
You are wrong.
This isn't happening.
It is an awful mistake.
How could this happen?
This isn't happening.
None of this is real.
It is a terrible nightmare.
I will wake up.
This is not real.

And just like that
My world has been
Shattered.

Sleepless night number one million and five.

I NEVER WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN!

My thoughts are getting gloomier
and gloomier.

My eyes keep flickering open
as if by some great miracle
it's morning
and I slept through
the whole night.

Yeah, right.

YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN!

Hold up...
Maybe I will,
that might be an exaggeration.
I don't really know.
The sleeping pills have been helping
for now.

I hate taking pills.
I take so many these days.

One for allergies.
Two for my cold
Two for my migraine
One to be happy
and two
to sleep
sort of soundly.

My life is average.
If the average person
fakes a smile
and acts fine, just fine.

Which the average person does
so really,
it's not a big deal.
~
I like a lot of things
Like dreaming
and sleeping
napping
closing
my
eyes
and letting
everything go
somewhere far, far
away from here.

I am not special.
I never have been.
I am not some brand of beautiful
left undiscovered to mankind.
I dislike most of humanity
because let's be serious,
most people are assholes
and I'm tired of being someone I'm not.
I'm not the most athletic,
nor am I the most intelligent.
But I try to be my best.

I see a world
suffering from the worst illness of all:
the lack of faith.

The lack of believing
that there is a better tomorrow awaiting us
That the grief will one day be lifted
and that one day
We won't need pills
to make us happy.

We will only need
each other.

I only need you.

And so,

I closed my eyes

and let you see me

I let my guard down

and let you see the real me

-Who I really am

on the inside

I let you see the fucked up 

figure

that I would like to call myself

The bruises,

scratches,

scrapes and tears

that are all my own.  

I let you hear my darkest 

most twisted thoughts.

I let you see me at my lowest,

breaking point.

And so,
I closed my eyes
and let you see me.
And all that I am.
But when you see me?
Who do you see?
Do you see me?
Or someone else
completely?

Sink or Swim

My life is pretty confusing these days.

I don't know where I'm going
and why I'm going there.
I'm just going where the current takes me
and right now
it's taking me under.

I don't know if I should come up for air
or let myself drown.

I'm not scared.
I'm calm.
As if I've been waiting for this moment
all of my life.

Floating
or maybe sinking
Here
Water flowing through my hair.
Body trembling with fear
and confidence.

Where do I go from here?

Goodbye

It must be a curse...
or something.
The hand that our family has been dealt
to suffer
in this eternal spiral of grief.

Aged by their burden-
two children
now immortal
beyond Heaven's doors
once very much animated
in our world's
beautiful, yet dangerous,
light.

But life has moved on
despite their best wishes
to stay frozen in that moment,
or the moments before.

Twenty years later
Twenty years
that can never be erased
Never be undone.

Never a chance to go back
and change last words
to say a proper goodbye.

But what would you do,
if you were told to say
Goodbye

There's this thought
haunting me
A shadow
in my dreams
a demon
threatening to destroy me

You can close your eyes
Hell,
You can even fake a smile.

But there's no running from myself
As I sit in a quiet denial.

"Imagine everything you ever wanted shows up one day and calls itself your life. And then just when you start to believe in it - gone. And suddenly it gets very hard to imagine a future. That's depression, right?"

Tired
and in your arms.
Exactly where I want to be
This moment,
I don't want to leave.