Pain

No one will ever understand this pain.  But it's here.  And it's real.  And there's no way to make it go away.

I am dealing with it.  Surviving each day on my own.
I miss you.  Each day on my own.
Living.  Each day on my own.

We will meet again.  Someday.
I'm not particularly sure when that will be.
I'm not sure how that will be.  But it will be.  I know.

On Letting Go

No one will ever understand this pain,

Unless he has felt it himself.

I did not wish this pain on anyone.

Yet,

He's crying all the same. 

The rope that I held onto?

I did not let it go.

The rope snapped violently

and whipped back at me 

as the storm raged on.

I fell.

Lost in this endless ocean,

there I was forced to swim on and on

until the only thing left to do

was survive. 

I can survive

For I am alive.

I can save him

or at least throw the rescue rope.

Perhaps he will grab on.

Perhaps he won't.

But it is my duty all the same

to try.

Dreams

You came to me in a dream.  I wasn't quite sleeping, but I was far from being awake.  I saw the land of dreams just over the horizon, but had much of a journey left to go.  Eyes flickered open, then half closed.  Then they slowly sank down,

into

sleep.

Bursts of white and gold light.
Your laughter.

I can still hear it.

Peace.
Your warm embrace.
I haven't felt this much love in too long.
You tell me,
"I love you.
This is not the end."

This isn't the end.

I saw heaven in that instant.  I saw you.

The land of dreams approaches.  I continue on with open arms.

Long Night

Haven't cried in over a week.  But last night I did.  I cried for a while.  I begged and pleaded with God.  I did everything I could.  And you're still not here.

I woke up exhausted, as if I struggled physically in those hours I spent crying.  I did.

I'm spent.
Done.
Dying.
Not quite dead.

Miss you.
Miss being happy.
Miss the moments when the family is all together.
All happy.
Never again.

Never afuckingain.

A Month Ago

A month ago you died.
Just four weeks ago.
I miss you every day.

We all do.
Wake up.
Just wake up.
Please.

God.
Please.

Wake him up.

Words

In these words,
there is healing.

There is the recognition that this is
indeed
not the end

There is hope that one day
we will wake up
and we will be together again

We will be.

In these words,
there is love.

There is the hope that the sun
will in fact
rise again tomorrow

For it will.

In the words,
there is remembrance.

There is the thought that this
truly
is not our story's end.

For all great stories
have great endings.

Tomorrow

Keep thinking about you

Against my will.

Tomorrow.

I would see you tomorrow.

What the fuck is this world coming to?

How have we not figured out a way into the heavens?

We're surviving,

whether we feel it or not.

Hearts beating fast,

slow,

I don't particularly know.

But they're beating

And that's more than I can say 

for how I felt yesterday.

Sleepless night #2

Hurts to breathe,
to swallow,
to keep these weary, teary eyes open.

Hurts to think
about you
about your life.

Hurts to know how angry I am at you
how sad I am to have lost you
how in a daze I am with your sudden death

But it wasn't sudden.
You were doomed for a while now
None of us accepted it though.
Acted as though we were blind to it.

Because how can you recognize what you don't see?

I keep seeing you in my dreams.
Different faces,
Different ages,
Your voice always the same.

Every day is more of a struggle than the last,
But I'm holding onto hope.
Whatever that is.
That I can make it out alive.

I would give nearly anything to save you,
to bring you back from the grave.
But would you be willing to save yourself?

The silence after the heavy storm echoes loudly in the night.

Keep dreaming about you, like you're still here.
I'm still here, where did you go?

We're waiting for you so we can get back to our lives
but you're running late.

Feel like I'm stuck in a time warp
Luckily,
I can breathe again.
Luckily,
I can still feel.
and luckily,
these dreams can keep us together.

But one day
I'll stop breathing
stop feeling
and stop dreaming

And on that day
we'll be together again

Denial

I've finally admitted to myself that I'm still in denial.
That one day I'm going to pick up the phone
and hear your voice.

Can't believe-
Don't want to believe
that you're gone like this.

Everyday is harder than the last.
They say that it gets easier with time
I think they're full of shit.

Seeing you in a dream
isn't enough.

Crying for hours
makes me feel worse.

You're gone
and you're never
EVER
coming back

It's like I've been stabbed in the chest
and no one has the courage to pull the knife out yet.

I don't want to talk about it
but at the same time
I want to be heard.

Why did it have to be you?
I love you so much,
placed so much faith in you,
and now
you're gone.

Like you pulled a Houdini
and disappeared without a trace.

I said my goodbyes but I'm not done.
Not yet.

I'm still waiting for you to come home,
to visit me.
To just pick up the phone and call me.

This isn't right.

We had finally found ourselves
in this world of liars.

I can't help but feel
that you're not gone.
That you will find me
wake me up
and tell me
this was just a terrible nightmare

I would happily die now
if I knew it would bring me to you.

Dyed my hair today

While I was getting my hair dyed today, the dresser asked me,
"What made you choose red?"
I told her that the color was pretty and I didn't want to be too bright with anything else.
But the truth is this:

Red was Andrew's favorite color.
It always had been.
It was my favorite color.

It was my salute to Andrew,
one of my opportunities to say,
"I did this for you."

I'm at a weird point in my life where I'm not sure what I'm doing but
I may as well do it
because it's better than sitting around
doing nothing.

This was for you
and I can only hope
that you're looking down
smiling.

Suddenly our own mortality meant something... and that scared us nearly half to death.

The Sky is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson

“Grief is a house
where the chairs
have forgotten how to hold us
the mirrors how to reflect us
the walls how to contain us

Grief is a house that disappears
each time someone knocks at the door
or rings the bell
a house that blows into the air
at the slightest gust
that buries itself deep in the ground
while everyone is sleeping

Grief is a house where no on can protect you
where the younger sister
will grow older than the older one
where the doors
no longer let you in
or out”
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere

Midnight

There's a piece of my heart
missing
Completely gone.
Just an empty hole that sits
and waits
for you to come back home

When I close my eyes to dream
I expect to hear your voice.

When I open my eyes in the morning
I expect to wake up, and see you in the next room

No parent should have to bury their child
and no little sister should be left
picking up the pieces of your life
wondering how we got to this

Because even knowing the how,
doesn't explain the why.

Why you get to leave us
and we have to sit here in grief.

I would say that I'm "angry"
but I'm not
I'm just sad.

I talk to Sean
but he doesn't quite understand.
No one who hasn't lost a loved one
will ever understand.
And I pray that you never do.

To find comfort with those who have lost another,
isn't comforting.
We band together with a common denominator:
Death.

I want to take all of your pain away.
All of your suffering.
It hurts,
but I'd rather hurt alone,
than to share this pain together.

And that is what love is.
The selfless thought at midnight
that maybe
there could be a way
to make things right.

Life is moving on,
and I don't know if I'm ready yet
but it's a risk that I need to take.

I'm scared that I'll forget.
That one day I'll think of you and your face won't be the same
Your voice will have changed
and that at some point
you're just going to fade out.

The pictures help
but one day they'll all be gone too.

My heart has sunk into the deep recesses of my chest.

Reality has brought me down here,

It's been so long

and I'm not sure I can stand.