I'm trying to gather the words to explain it.

How I feel.

Or

What I'm trying to say to you at the very least.

I don't know why you had to leave like this

Why you had to go.

I miss you already.

Still telling myself this can't be so.

You were the brother I always looked up to

in a weird,

don't do that sort of way.

But I did what you asked of me,

so why couldn't you have done what I asked of you?

Why couldn't you have saved yourself?

You wouldn't let anyone else.

This bad dream still isn't over.

My Heart Physically Hurts

No words are going to ever make it better.
I keep thinking about what I could have done to fix you.
To save you.
I hate feeling like this.

I hate feeling like had I just kept Loopy
he would've been okay.

Like had I paid more attention to him
than Sean

That he would've realized how much I cared.
But I was healing,
and now that the past wound
has been stitched up
and has healed

My heart has been torn open

I don't even know which doctor to see for that
or which way I should look to find "up"

I wish I could sleep,
and when I do,
that I could dream of you.

I miss you.
I miss our talks
I miss sticking up for you
when you didn't even want me to

It shouldn't take a funeral
to slap me back into the reality
that I've been living a selfish life

I want to feel bad for myself
I really do.

But then I remember all of the times you chose to leave
Why would you do that?
How could you leave me so many times
after all the hurt we both felt?

Not a day has gone by without you here in my mind.

And can you tell me
On Earth are we all just blind?
Is Heaven as it sounds?
Pure, and divine?

We had our laughs together,
but that's all they'll ever be now.
No next times
or "maybe later"s
Just a fading memory.

Just wish I were home.
That we could have started our life over.
You shouldn't have left us.
Couldn't have left us.

The good times are killing me.  

I lost my brother.
I cannot sleep.
And even home
doesn't feel quite like home
At least not right now.

My heart still aches.
My body has chills.
I miss you dearly.
Each day longer than the last.

Breathe a breath that fills you
Breathe a breath that awakens you.

I wish I could figure this out.

A Lost Poem

I was looking in the basement through Andrew's stuff, then found my English Journal and decided to read through it and found this.

Stars stand deep within the dark night sky
          I never knew you like I wish I had
And maybe it's true that we all at some point
Just fade out as time passes us by

Maybe it's not

The sound of silence is all that speaks in our mourning hours
As the heavy feeling of losing what you love
Creeps its way into the holes of your broken heart

This track has played once before
            With the quiet, melancholy rhythm
That tries to take the pain away
And mend the tears of your splitting sanity

Last hopes and dreams
Falling through the cracks
Like simple words on white paper being ripped apart
And thrown to the air
Like snow on All Hallow's Eve

Disheartening,
Unfair,
I'm a prisoner to this utter loss of words.
If only these moments
           We could ever share

Waking up this morning took more strength than it should have.
By the time I opened my eyes,
nausea set in quickly.

You're gone.
Not just gone to a friends house,
and you'll call me when you need me.

You're gone and no phone call can reach you
No email or text you will respond to
No amount of prayer will make you answer.

My faith
is somewhere out there.
I wish I knew where.

The wind chimes are singing
No wind to be seen,
nor felt.

I can't help but think you're talking to me.

I'm hallucinating.
But I know you're here.

I'm sad
but I'm alive

I'm grieving
but I can still find the strength to breath

I'm lonely
but I surround myself with others

I miss you
but I said my goodbyes.

I love you
but you're gone.

That's all we are.

To many of you, I've come off as cool, calm, and collected.  Sarcastic and perhaps uncaring.  And everyone keeps telling me it's okay to cry and that I don't need to be strong for anyone.

I understand those words, but my body isn't reacting quite yet.  You have to understand the weight that I have sitting in my chest.  I've never felt so... surrounded by people but alone.  Everyone else is crying, and I want to take that pain away.  I'm hurt, and I'm grieving, but I care more about all of you than myself.

I love Andrew so much.  Today, we drove by Buffalo Wild Wings and was hit by the realization that I had promised to take Andrew there in the winter.  But everything was hectic; I was so stressed and he helped me pick out the tuxes that the guys wore to the wedding.  I was tired, and I was broke.  We never went.

I can't help but wonder... were you upset that we didn't go?  Did you care?  Did you look back and wish we went?  I look back and wish we did.

The other day we went to Macy's so Josh could get a suit.  The last time I had been in Macy's was with Andrew and he was talking about getting a new suit for the wedding.  You loved your dress coats.  But you wanted the full suit.  They were on sale too.  I wish I had the money to buy you one.  I would have in a heart beat.

I couldn't stand in there while Josh looked.  I could just remember his conversation with the sales associate about how much he loves suits and how he had used to work there and all that.

My heart is on the ground.
It's not bleeding.  Not anymore.
I'm pretty sure it stopped.
I feel like I've been holding my breath since Friday.

I want him back.  So bad.  I kept looking at him, hoping he'd just wake up.  I got used to how he looked lying in that casket.  I didn't like it, but it was better than nothing.  When we came back to pick up the flowers and gifts, there was an old woman in there instead.  Michael ran up to her before I could tell him to stop.  He was touching her hair, asking her where Andrew was.  Asking how she died.

This morning we had to tell Michael that he needed a coat on to go outside, along with shoes.  Told him he'd get sick.  Then he asked, "And I'll die?"

No.  You won't die from that sort of sickness.

-

I miss when we'd play on the beach.  I remember a few summers ago when we took a family vacation up to Salisbury Beach for the fourth of July.  You and Jen were together then.  I remember when we all took a walk down the road together.  Jen was talking about the mission trip she took.  I remember on that night we all sat out on the beach for a while.  You had convinced mom to do a shot with you.  Then me, you, and Jen stayed up for hours after mom and dad went to bed and we just talked.

Things were different back then.

You were trying to stay clean.  You were even trying to stop smoking.

My heart hurts.

You and Jen were telling me all these different stories and about how I can never do drugs.  And you kept asking me if I wanted to do a shot and Jen kept saying "No Andrew!" Wish I took that shot with you.  It would have been my first but at least it would have been with you.

I remember last Christmas in Vero when you bought me Twisted Tea and Mike's.  When you did a Whiskey shot with Josh, and he puked everywhere.  And how Josh was philosophizing to us as we walked down the beach.  Telling us to "look at the star, THAT STAR.  That's all we are."

That is all we are.  Mere specs compared to everything and everyone else.  But it's better to be a spec among others, than to be a spec alone.

And I know I'm not alone.  But it sure feels like it right now.

I just want to sleep.
But I can't.

I miss you so much.
This pain is killing me.

The good times are killing me.

Invincible

These last few days have been really hard to get through, but today, might be the worst.

I don't want to say goodbye, because I don't want this to be the end.  I have so many memories with you, and I don't want this one to be the last.

I remember when we lived in the dome house, when mom's birds died, and so you made a cross out of tree branches.  It seemed huge to me.  And the strawberry patch, and all of us floating around in the pool half the day, the other half of the day in the woods fighting invisible monsters.

But when that game ended, years later, those monsters must have followed you.  You should have said something.  Told us we were still in the game.  I would go to war against anyone for you.

And to the rest of you,
I will breathe for you
even when you don't want me to.

-

This cannot happen again and will not happen again.
I might be 20 but my heart isn't strong enough to deal with this a second time.

And no one here should blame themselves.  I know and can relate to the guilt everyone is feeling in the back of their mind, or maybe openly, but there's so little that we could have done.  We could beat ourselves dead asking what if? What if I didn't lose his gameboy down in Florida?  What if I were home on Friday?

What if I had booked him the first flight to Alabama like I had wanted to?  But I didn't.  Nobody knew this was coming.  And you know, it shouldn't take a death to bring us together like this.

I love everyone here so much.  We shouldn't have to be reminded to stay close.

When Andrew was in and out of jail, I would drive so far some times just to visit him.  I didn't care that it was only for an hour at a time, I love him so much.  When he would call, I would answer.  Even when we didn't have anything to talk about, we talked about everything.

Andrew was a fun loving, open hearted guy who could put a smile on anyone's face, and could open anyone's heart.  He had good intentions despite some of his actions.  Like the time he stole soup from walmart for me when I was sick.  But if I had the choice to have him back as he had become, or to just leave him like this, I would take him back in a heart beat. I didn't care about those problems.  I worried like everyone else did.  But he was invincible up until his very last breath.

Today was hard.  So hard.  I keep trying to stay strong, but I'm afraid that I'm going to lose all feelings that I have at all.

There were so many people to say goodbye.  I wish I knew them all.  Andrew loved his friends.  All of them.    He had such a big heart.  When his stopped... all of ours stopped.  Silent and still, as we waited to hear something.  Anything.  The first breath you took as you re-entered the world.

As I knelt by your casket, I realized I wasn't ready.  Addison and Michael kept wanting to see you.
This just isn't right.
I held it together.  I sound like such an uncaring sister.  My heart hurts so bad.  My head is pounding. All I can do is try to put on a smile and laugh it off.

We all grieve differently.

When I get back home to Sean, I know I'm going to be a wreck but for now, I can at least pretend that I'm breathing.

Hard Night's Rest

I never had my own dreams.

Never had my own favorites of anything.

Never blazed my own trail out of originality.  

Everything I did, it was for you.

You favorite color was red.

My favorite color was red.

You dreamed of flying.

I dreamed of flying.

You wanted to be a goalie.

I wanted to be a goalie.

You wanted to go to a private school.

I wanted to go to a private school.

I could go on forever.

All that I ever wanted was to be like you.  

You were so smart, without having to try.

You can play the guitar, without having to try.

You could help dad with any project, and know exactly what you were doing.

There were so many things about you that I aspired to become

My big brother, why are you gone?

Yesterday, when Michael got home from school he was upset.  When I was in his room, he looks at me with a quivering lip and says, "Andrew died.  He is dead."

"Yes. He is."

"Why?"

What am I supposed to say?

"He was sick, Michael.  He's in Heaven now."  

"Like Grandpa?"

"Like Grandpa."

I could die in that moment.  

There's a hole in my heart, as I bleed out all of this pain.  

The only thing keeping me here is that I'm alive,

and that's the most I've felt over these last few days.

Just tell me you're okay.

I need a sign

but when I sit in my room

the orange walls feel emptier than they did before.

There's no life left in that room

it's as if when you took your last breath,

you sucked it all up

swallowed,

and left the room empty.

These few hours of sleep haven't been comforting me at all.

I stay up until I wake up and it's another morning.

This isn't how we should have come together.

And I pray to you, and to this 'god' we all talk about

that I can meet with you once more in my dreams.  

Dear Andrew,

Just in case you ever wonder,
There will never be a day that you are not missed.
I'm among many who will miss you every single day.

Josh and I try to laugh about it,
then we're left in this awkward silence that we know just isn't right.

Just in case you ever wonder,
I was looking at plane tickets for you.
I was going to buy them.
You just had to say the word.

I'm so mad at you right now,
but I love you and you're gone and no amount of sadness or remorse can take that pain away.  You should have messaged me.  I would have answered you.  I would have answered you and talked to you.  I would have at least been able to say Bye or I love you.

And just in case you ever wonder,
this guilt in my heart is driving me mad.  I'm so sorry I was mad at you for so long.  But I had forgiven you, and I had told you that I had.  I had told you that years ago.  All I wanted was for you to get better.  I wanted that anger to go away.  I wanted the old you back.

I can't accept that you're never coming back.

The world has been holding it's breath for the last five days.
I still keep telling myself this isn't real.
This isn't real.

I'm not in denial.
I'm accepting that the truth isn't making sense.

Seeing Brendan and Shannon today, and the four of us talking...
It sucks that these are the circumstances,
but it's good to be home.
Just wish you were here with us.
But then...
I guess we wouldn't all be here.

The sting from this slap of reality
won't go away.

"To Move on is to Grow" by We Came as Romans

These are lyrics to one of my favorite songs. To Move on is to Grow by We Came as Romans, it's a heavy song, and I didn't realize what the lyrics were until I was going through my playlist on youtube I decided to look them up. It matches how I feel, and I think how a lot of us are feeling. 

I've been sleeping on stones...

My mistakes are easier made a second time.
And I can't move on since I've closed my eyes.
Since I've closed my eyes.
I've cut off myself from everybody else.

To move on is to grow, 
Yet I haven't been able to accomplish either.
I know the way to go, 
Yet I can't bring myself to move forward.

I've been sleeping on stones and they've formed to my spine.
My once straight back, now a crooked line.
I've broken no bones and I appear to be just fine.
My life's been emptied from the inside.

Every decision is easier made a second time.
Every decision is easier made a second time.
But once you start down one line.
The distance becomes greater to change your mind.
To change the way you're living your life.

To move on is to grow, 
Yet we can barely accomplish either on our own.
We know the way to go, 
Yet we follow those with their eyes closed.

I've been sleeping on stones...

We've been sleeping on stones and they've formed to our spines.
Our once straight backs now just crooked lines.
When we all wake up inside the beds in which we lie.
We will wish we had stopped the first time.

When we wake up to the lives that we've created.
We'll see we built nothing, but destroyed it.
So turn around and head back the way you came.

I'll follow you, encourage you 
I'll follow you, encourage you
we'll be steadfast in our way.
And as we make it back to where our lives branched off.
We will take the path we should have taken all along.
Once you start down one line.

The distance becomes greater to change your mind.
To change the way you're living your life.

To move on is to grow.

Friday

I'm too sore to wake up. But every time I close my eyes, I have nightmares, so I decide to get up. I walk over into the living room, lay down, and play some video games while I wait for Sean to come home from class. I contemplate facebooking Andrew but I figured that he was probably still sleeping, so I decided I'd just wait. Sean comes home and we snuggle on the couch. We talk about his morning PT and about the pictures for his class that he has to hand in. I tell him that I have to leave at 9:45 to be at Audrie's to babysit Mitch. It was Mitch's birthday. He says that he'll take the car at 9 to drop off his project but then Dave showed up to drop off our frisbee. I made breakfast for the boys. Then had to get ready and leave. Sean had to ride with Dave to drop off his project. I get to Audrie's house and instead of Mitch, I see a little Andrew. I can't believe what I'm seeing but don't think anything of it. Once Mitch takes a nap I'll go on facebook and talk to Andrew. Of course, Mitch had a hard time sleeping. And when I went to go online, the computer died and then Audrie was on her way home. I texted Sean to tell him I'd be on my way home soon. He tells me to take my time and that he loves me. He doesn't normally just text "I love you." But I thought he was being sweet so said I love you too, and didn't think anything of it. Normally I would stay at Audrie's and chat for a bit, but I really wanted to go home. I was so tired. When I got home, Sean was a couple minutes out still. I saw him pull in, and hop out of Dave's truck. I go outside to greet him. He pulls me in for a hug, kisses me, and says "I love you so much." I thought this was a really great day. When we step inside, he looks at me and says, "You need to call you mom." So, I call her thinking she had a surprise for me or something. While the phone was dialing, Sean gently pushed me onto one of our bar stools, and in that moment, I knew that something was wrong. I started to cry, to panic and deny. When my mom wouldn't answer her phone (she was breaking the news to my dad) I looked at Sean, and he pulls me close and says "It's Andrew." Not wanting to understand, I ask, "What about him?" "He overdosed this morning." "But he's alive, right? He's in the hospital." "I don't think so." My heart sank. I ran to my computer. Sean had to log me into Facebook because he had locked my account so I couldn't find out while I was babysitting. I went on Andrew's profile... and someone had already written a memorial. How could they have known. How could anyone have known when I was just finding out? It's still not sinking in. Just then, my mom calls. She tells me what happened, and she's sobbing. I'm sobbing. And Sean's holding me. It's like I'm a child all over again. It's like a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I keep asking how this happened, and though she tells me, I can't believe her. He was going to visit me. I was going to visit home. This wasn't supposed to happen. After I get off the phone with her, I cry for what feels like forever. I'm trying to get over it, but it's so fresh and new. I tell a few people. Cry some more. Then play video games. Sean told our neighbors the news so that they knew not to expect us over for game night. They brought gumbo over later for us. Later, I told Sean to bring me to the gas station so I could buy some wine. When we got to the gas station, the site of all the alcohol bottles made me nauseous. I grab my bottle of wine, and go. When we got back into the car, I start crying again. We get back home, And go for a walk across the street to the swing set. "He almost seemed invincible" you're right. But he wasn't. We go back home. I start drinking my wine, pour a glass, then turn on the movie What Dreams May Come. I cry for a while longer. And then, I fell asleep. Saturday morning comes without any rest. And just like Friday, it's still raining. There were so many signs. I just didn't understand how to read them. I hope you can hear me. I miss you so much, and will every day. You're my best friend, my best big brother, and best reason to keep crying.

We all grieve in different ways.

"We all have our horrors and our demons to fight. But how can I win, when I'm paralyzed? They crawl up on my bed, wrap their fingers around my throat. Is this what I get for the choices that I made? God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, for everything. God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, God forgive me. Don't go, I can't do this on my own. Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night. I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight. Don't go." -Bring me the horizon, Don't Go

Dear God,

I don't understand why this would happen.  Why you would let this happen.  Don't you know how much I love him?  How much we all love him?  How much my parents are grieving and no one can take that pain away?

I am so lost, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be found.

People express their condolences but you're the only one who should be apologizing and explaining yourself. You don't just do this to a family.  You've ripped all of our hearts out, and then shoved them back in the wrong way, and forgot to sew us up the right way.

The infection is eating away at me and I don't even feel right to eat.
I look at my parents and know exactly what they feel.
I know the guilt that they shouldn't be feeling.
I know the disbelief and hope that it's all just a dream.

If only that were true... that this were just a sick dream.

I've asked you for a sign that he's passed and is with you but all I've had are restless nights and more nightmares to add to my waking one.

I have so many questions, God.  Is he okay?  Did he conquer his demons?  Is he up there with Amber and Alaska, and his friends that have  passed?  Is he with Jennifer and Jimmy?  Please take care of him.  Tell him how much I miss him.

Bring peace to my parents.  The pain hurts so much I can't even cry.

Dear God,

If you're out there... send me a sign.

Love,
me.

The Good Times are Killing Me

Going to miss you everyday.

Your voice.
Your smell.
Your laugh.
Everything about you.

Looking through the pictures today killed me.
My heart feels frozen and stuck on the same beat.

It's so stupid but I keep hoping, and praying that at the wake you're just going to sit up,
look at us with that quirky look, laugh, then say "Haha!  Gotya!"

I know that's not going to happen.  But, damn, I wish it would.  We all wish it would.

When I took a shower this morning, all of your stuff was in there... and it smelled just like you.

"The good times are killing me"

I keep looking through some of the music we used to listen to.  It feels like you're talking to me through it.  I know you're not.  But god damn I miss you so much.  It's only been three days.  I've missed you each and every one.  I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life.  There's no words that can make this any better.

Memories make it worse.

These last couple of years have sucked.  In and out of jail.  Staying up at night, worrying about you.  Whenever you called, I'd answer.  I'd pick you up from anywhere.  At any time.

The places that I found you... the things I would find you with... and the stories that you would bring with you.  I got to a point where I thought you were invincible.  You were invincible until the very last moment.  Until that very last breath.

I can't accept that it was your last.  Don't want to think it was your last.

I don't want to cry anymore.  When people are around, I can put on a smile and tell a joke.  Inside, I'm dying.  There's a deep hole in my chest that will never be filled.

You said you were going to visit.  You promised.  I was going to pay for you to visit.

Hell, I was going to be home in two weeks.  Two god damn weeks.  Why did this have to happen?  Why did you have to do this?  If you were bored or lonely, you should've called me.  I would have been there if you needed me.  But now I'm here, and you're gone.  And you're never come back.  Never.

I had just figured my mind out, my life out.  For everything that you had done and said, I had told you that I had forgiven you.

At my wedding, when we danced I told you to take care of yourself because if you weren't careful, something bad was going to happen.  You looked so happy in that picture from Sweet Frog.  I couldn't wait to go there with you while I was home.

I'm going to be waiting for you to visit for the rest of my life.

Just wish it wasn't going to be such a long wait.

I don't care what you did.  I'm always going to love you.  Always.

Let Him Rest

This morning I woke up,
the first full night of sleep in what feels like forever.

I closed my eyes,
and then
I was paralyzed.

A grey shadow at the doorway,
a black one behind.

I keep hearing her laughing
She's tormenting me.

I try to call for my mom
but no voice comes out.
I try to move
but I'm stuck in one spot

He's here and I can feel it.
He wants to move on.

Just let him rest
Let him continue on.
It's over.
And as much as I don't want to,
We've got to move on

My Head Hurts

It feels like these days take forever to go by.

I keep telling myself, 

this can't be real.

This shouldn't be real.

And where's the bitch who did this?

I'm so angry

because I want answers

The truth.

I want to close my eyes,

and open them to it being Thursday morning.

I'll book the first flight home

And be there by nightfall.

When she shows up,

I'll ask her,

"Where's his laptop that you were supposed to bring?"

Then when she says she forgot it,

I'll say,

"Don't come back 'til you have it, 

and when you do, 

give it to me, then leave."

I'll tell my whole family to be home,

to surround him with love

and just be there.

But the fact that this is reality, isn't sitting too well in my stomach.

When I showered this morning,

all his stuff was in there.

It smelled like him.

I wish I could pull him in for one last hug.

It would smell like him. 

Feel like him.

No hug will ever feel the same.

When I spoke to him,

I always looked him in the eye

and he looked back

because we were straight with each other

 I knew when he told a lie.

Ugh.

 

I don't want to talk in past tense.  It makes it sound so certain.  I keep praying that at the viewing, he'll wake up.

It's crazy. 

maybe I'm going slightly insane.

But nothing is more crazy, nor more insane, 

than losing what wasn't already lost.  

What Dreams May Come

There's a man Andrew never got to meet;
the man he was growing up to be.

When I close my eyes,
I can see him.
Broad shoulders.
Bright eyes.
The damn smirk on his face.

He's a happy going guy, who can put anyone's restlessness to ease.  The type of guy people love to be around because he can relate to everyone.  He has character, that's for sure.  Love, loyalty, and a sense of humor that will leave you smiling at just the thought of him.  Those are things you can't fake.

He's thirty-five years old with a couple of children, and a wife whom he adores.  He's a real family man, like his father.  And just like his father, he would do anything for a friend.

You'd be amazed by how much he achieved, and his remaining long list of dreams.

He's the best man that he'll never meet.
The best man that none of us will ever meet.

My heart bleeds for you.
For all of you.
For my parents,
my brothers,
my grandparents,
my aunts and uncles,
our close friends.
For you.
For losing you.

Sleepless Night #1

There's a pain in my chest that isn't going away.

It's been raining since Friday.  

Sean's birthday was Saturday.

Today, Sunday, I fly home.

Tornado watches and weather warnings are flooding the news.

As we drove to the airport, the rain fell heavier than we've ever seen.  Lightning flashes blinded us, and there were points when I had simply accepted doom.  

No pressure, but now I really have to outlive my parents.  If something happens now, I fear for the worst.  

I just can't take the sound of my parents crying on the phone.  Trying to reason with themselves as to why something like this could have happened.  He was doing so well. 

I tried to hold it together for Sean's birthday but by the time night rolled around, I couldn't sleep.  When I tried, I was stabbed in the chest with the thought of how he's never coming back.  It feels so selfish to keep writing "I", but I can't speak for anyone else but myself.  

Sitting in this damn airport has only made the pain worse so far.  At this point though,  I'm almost surprised I made it through the night.  Sean kept telling me to relax and try to breathe.  If it weren't for the rest of my family, I would have stopped right when I heard the news. 

We're too young for this.  Too young to fully understand the consequences of our actions, but too old to still be involved in this sort of behavior.  

His friends keep trying to talk to me.  To find out details on the services, but they're the last people I care about right now.  Blood is thicker than water.  

This grieving literally hurts my heart.  

Sean tries to understand but he's still stuck at "You're brother just died."  His dad said at church they would pray.  And everyone else says, "I'm so sorry."  

I am too.  I am so sorry that I never called him back after my phone died.  I'm so sorry that I never said, "I love you." and "Goodbye."  

I'm so sorry that everyone thinks that saying sorry might do something somewhere in my heart and make things better.  

And lastly,

I'm so sorry that those dreams you dreamed, will never be achieved.  

A Walk to Remember

No parent should have to bury their child.

After all the thoughts that have passed through my mind, this one stays in the same place and echoes in a deafening tone.

There are no words that can be said to make the pain go away.  Just memories to look back on, dreams to be remembered, and a gaping hole that no condolences can fill.

Friends will try to say that they understand.  No one understands.  No psychiatrist can rightfully explain why this happened.  No amount of time will make it hurt any less.

There are moments when it seems like a dream, and others when it feels like I've been sprayed in the eyes with a hose non-stop for three days, then left in the sun to burn.

My mind has been wandering back to our long walk down the beach in Florida a few Christmases ago.  How we walked for hours, and it didn't matter because we were just talking, catching up on each other's lives.

But what you said won't go away.

"Don't ever become like me.  Don't drink like me, don't do drugs like me.  Sometimes I'm fine, but these days I can't even sleep without taking something.  I've lost too many friends this way.  There's no way I'd be able to live with myself if you wound up like this"

God damn, Andrew.  We walked for hours.  We were lost on the beach, and then in those neighborhoods, and yet, we kept talking.  We didn't give a shit about what time it was, or where we were.  That was the most we had talked in a while, and you always knew how to make life a little better.  I didn't care how much you screwed up.  You are my big brother; I'll look up to you no matter what.

You've got to know, Andrew... I listened.  I did everything you told me to do.  I worked hard, and made a life of my own.  You were going to visit.  You said you would.  You said you were going to the Army recruiter, and you were going to keep working out.  When you figured out the timeline, you would fly down here.  I was going to pay even so that you could come.  I wanted you to fly so badly because that's all you ever dreamed of.  We were going to tour the flight museum together.

I was so proud of you.

but
You broke your promise, and have left a hole in my heart.


No parent should ever have to bury their child.

mom and dad are left to bury you.

The Morning you Don't Wake Up

My brother overdosed and died

I say it, and I write it... and it doesn't take away the pain.  It's like a knife that's cut a hole in my chest, and I can't shake the thought of how I didn't even get to say goodbye.

As Brendan said, we knew him as "nannoo" not as "boots" like all his friends called him.  God damn, even after everything, I still looked up to him.  Things were hard, but he always had faith that there would be a better tomorrow.

The pain is raw.  But almost like a dream. Nightmare.  I can't believe this is happening.

I just want to sleep and it all go away.

Where is your god now?

Why are we left wondering why?