That's all we are.

To many of you, I've come off as cool, calm, and collected.  Sarcastic and perhaps uncaring.  And everyone keeps telling me it's okay to cry and that I don't need to be strong for anyone.

I understand those words, but my body isn't reacting quite yet.  You have to understand the weight that I have sitting in my chest.  I've never felt so... surrounded by people but alone.  Everyone else is crying, and I want to take that pain away.  I'm hurt, and I'm grieving, but I care more about all of you than myself.

I love Andrew so much.  Today, we drove by Buffalo Wild Wings and was hit by the realization that I had promised to take Andrew there in the winter.  But everything was hectic; I was so stressed and he helped me pick out the tuxes that the guys wore to the wedding.  I was tired, and I was broke.  We never went.

I can't help but wonder... were you upset that we didn't go?  Did you care?  Did you look back and wish we went?  I look back and wish we did.

The other day we went to Macy's so Josh could get a suit.  The last time I had been in Macy's was with Andrew and he was talking about getting a new suit for the wedding.  You loved your dress coats.  But you wanted the full suit.  They were on sale too.  I wish I had the money to buy you one.  I would have in a heart beat.

I couldn't stand in there while Josh looked.  I could just remember his conversation with the sales associate about how much he loves suits and how he had used to work there and all that.

My heart is on the ground.
It's not bleeding.  Not anymore.
I'm pretty sure it stopped.
I feel like I've been holding my breath since Friday.

I want him back.  So bad.  I kept looking at him, hoping he'd just wake up.  I got used to how he looked lying in that casket.  I didn't like it, but it was better than nothing.  When we came back to pick up the flowers and gifts, there was an old woman in there instead.  Michael ran up to her before I could tell him to stop.  He was touching her hair, asking her where Andrew was.  Asking how she died.

This morning we had to tell Michael that he needed a coat on to go outside, along with shoes.  Told him he'd get sick.  Then he asked, "And I'll die?"

No.  You won't die from that sort of sickness.

-

I miss when we'd play on the beach.  I remember a few summers ago when we took a family vacation up to Salisbury Beach for the fourth of July.  You and Jen were together then.  I remember when we all took a walk down the road together.  Jen was talking about the mission trip she took.  I remember on that night we all sat out on the beach for a while.  You had convinced mom to do a shot with you.  Then me, you, and Jen stayed up for hours after mom and dad went to bed and we just talked.

Things were different back then.

You were trying to stay clean.  You were even trying to stop smoking.

My heart hurts.

You and Jen were telling me all these different stories and about how I can never do drugs.  And you kept asking me if I wanted to do a shot and Jen kept saying "No Andrew!" Wish I took that shot with you.  It would have been my first but at least it would have been with you.

I remember last Christmas in Vero when you bought me Twisted Tea and Mike's.  When you did a Whiskey shot with Josh, and he puked everywhere.  And how Josh was philosophizing to us as we walked down the beach.  Telling us to "look at the star, THAT STAR.  That's all we are."

That is all we are.  Mere specs compared to everything and everyone else.  But it's better to be a spec among others, than to be a spec alone.

And I know I'm not alone.  But it sure feels like it right now.

I just want to sleep.
But I can't.

I miss you so much.
This pain is killing me.

The good times are killing me.