Invincible

These last few days have been really hard to get through, but today, might be the worst.

I don't want to say goodbye, because I don't want this to be the end.  I have so many memories with you, and I don't want this one to be the last.

I remember when we lived in the dome house, when mom's birds died, and so you made a cross out of tree branches.  It seemed huge to me.  And the strawberry patch, and all of us floating around in the pool half the day, the other half of the day in the woods fighting invisible monsters.

But when that game ended, years later, those monsters must have followed you.  You should have said something.  Told us we were still in the game.  I would go to war against anyone for you.

And to the rest of you,
I will breathe for you
even when you don't want me to.

-

This cannot happen again and will not happen again.
I might be 20 but my heart isn't strong enough to deal with this a second time.

And no one here should blame themselves.  I know and can relate to the guilt everyone is feeling in the back of their mind, or maybe openly, but there's so little that we could have done.  We could beat ourselves dead asking what if? What if I didn't lose his gameboy down in Florida?  What if I were home on Friday?

What if I had booked him the first flight to Alabama like I had wanted to?  But I didn't.  Nobody knew this was coming.  And you know, it shouldn't take a death to bring us together like this.

I love everyone here so much.  We shouldn't have to be reminded to stay close.

When Andrew was in and out of jail, I would drive so far some times just to visit him.  I didn't care that it was only for an hour at a time, I love him so much.  When he would call, I would answer.  Even when we didn't have anything to talk about, we talked about everything.

Andrew was a fun loving, open hearted guy who could put a smile on anyone's face, and could open anyone's heart.  He had good intentions despite some of his actions.  Like the time he stole soup from walmart for me when I was sick.  But if I had the choice to have him back as he had become, or to just leave him like this, I would take him back in a heart beat. I didn't care about those problems.  I worried like everyone else did.  But he was invincible up until his very last breath.