Friday

I'm too sore to wake up. But every time I close my eyes, I have nightmares, so I decide to get up. I walk over into the living room, lay down, and play some video games while I wait for Sean to come home from class. I contemplate facebooking Andrew but I figured that he was probably still sleeping, so I decided I'd just wait. Sean comes home and we snuggle on the couch. We talk about his morning PT and about the pictures for his class that he has to hand in. I tell him that I have to leave at 9:45 to be at Audrie's to babysit Mitch. It was Mitch's birthday. He says that he'll take the car at 9 to drop off his project but then Dave showed up to drop off our frisbee. I made breakfast for the boys. Then had to get ready and leave. Sean had to ride with Dave to drop off his project. I get to Audrie's house and instead of Mitch, I see a little Andrew. I can't believe what I'm seeing but don't think anything of it. Once Mitch takes a nap I'll go on facebook and talk to Andrew. Of course, Mitch had a hard time sleeping. And when I went to go online, the computer died and then Audrie was on her way home. I texted Sean to tell him I'd be on my way home soon. He tells me to take my time and that he loves me. He doesn't normally just text "I love you." But I thought he was being sweet so said I love you too, and didn't think anything of it. Normally I would stay at Audrie's and chat for a bit, but I really wanted to go home. I was so tired. When I got home, Sean was a couple minutes out still. I saw him pull in, and hop out of Dave's truck. I go outside to greet him. He pulls me in for a hug, kisses me, and says "I love you so much." I thought this was a really great day. When we step inside, he looks at me and says, "You need to call you mom." So, I call her thinking she had a surprise for me or something. While the phone was dialing, Sean gently pushed me onto one of our bar stools, and in that moment, I knew that something was wrong. I started to cry, to panic and deny. When my mom wouldn't answer her phone (she was breaking the news to my dad) I looked at Sean, and he pulls me close and says "It's Andrew." Not wanting to understand, I ask, "What about him?" "He overdosed this morning." "But he's alive, right? He's in the hospital." "I don't think so." My heart sank. I ran to my computer. Sean had to log me into Facebook because he had locked my account so I couldn't find out while I was babysitting. I went on Andrew's profile... and someone had already written a memorial. How could they have known. How could anyone have known when I was just finding out? It's still not sinking in. Just then, my mom calls. She tells me what happened, and she's sobbing. I'm sobbing. And Sean's holding me. It's like I'm a child all over again. It's like a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I keep asking how this happened, and though she tells me, I can't believe her. He was going to visit me. I was going to visit home. This wasn't supposed to happen. After I get off the phone with her, I cry for what feels like forever. I'm trying to get over it, but it's so fresh and new. I tell a few people. Cry some more. Then play video games. Sean told our neighbors the news so that they knew not to expect us over for game night. They brought gumbo over later for us. Later, I told Sean to bring me to the gas station so I could buy some wine. When we got to the gas station, the site of all the alcohol bottles made me nauseous. I grab my bottle of wine, and go. When we got back into the car, I start crying again. We get back home, And go for a walk across the street to the swing set. "He almost seemed invincible" you're right. But he wasn't. We go back home. I start drinking my wine, pour a glass, then turn on the movie What Dreams May Come. I cry for a while longer. And then, I fell asleep. Saturday morning comes without any rest. And just like Friday, it's still raining. There were so many signs. I just didn't understand how to read them. I hope you can hear me. I miss you so much, and will every day. You're my best friend, my best big brother, and best reason to keep crying.