A Walk to Remember

No parent should have to bury their child.

After all the thoughts that have passed through my mind, this one stays in the same place and echoes in a deafening tone.

There are no words that can be said to make the pain go away.  Just memories to look back on, dreams to be remembered, and a gaping hole that no condolences can fill.

Friends will try to say that they understand.  No one understands.  No psychiatrist can rightfully explain why this happened.  No amount of time will make it hurt any less.

There are moments when it seems like a dream, and others when it feels like I've been sprayed in the eyes with a hose non-stop for three days, then left in the sun to burn.

My mind has been wandering back to our long walk down the beach in Florida a few Christmases ago.  How we walked for hours, and it didn't matter because we were just talking, catching up on each other's lives.

But what you said won't go away.

"Don't ever become like me.  Don't drink like me, don't do drugs like me.  Sometimes I'm fine, but these days I can't even sleep without taking something.  I've lost too many friends this way.  There's no way I'd be able to live with myself if you wound up like this"

God damn, Andrew.  We walked for hours.  We were lost on the beach, and then in those neighborhoods, and yet, we kept talking.  We didn't give a shit about what time it was, or where we were.  That was the most we had talked in a while, and you always knew how to make life a little better.  I didn't care how much you screwed up.  You are my big brother; I'll look up to you no matter what.

You've got to know, Andrew... I listened.  I did everything you told me to do.  I worked hard, and made a life of my own.  You were going to visit.  You said you would.  You said you were going to the Army recruiter, and you were going to keep working out.  When you figured out the timeline, you would fly down here.  I was going to pay even so that you could come.  I wanted you to fly so badly because that's all you ever dreamed of.  We were going to tour the flight museum together.

I was so proud of you.

but
You broke your promise, and have left a hole in my heart.


No parent should ever have to bury their child.

mom and dad are left to bury you.