The Good Times are Killing Me

Going to miss you everyday.

Your voice.
Your smell.
Your laugh.
Everything about you.

Looking through the pictures today killed me.
My heart feels frozen and stuck on the same beat.

It's so stupid but I keep hoping, and praying that at the wake you're just going to sit up,
look at us with that quirky look, laugh, then say "Haha!  Gotya!"

I know that's not going to happen.  But, damn, I wish it would.  We all wish it would.

When I took a shower this morning, all of your stuff was in there... and it smelled just like you.

"The good times are killing me"

I keep looking through some of the music we used to listen to.  It feels like you're talking to me through it.  I know you're not.  But god damn I miss you so much.  It's only been three days.  I've missed you each and every one.  I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life.  There's no words that can make this any better.

Memories make it worse.

These last couple of years have sucked.  In and out of jail.  Staying up at night, worrying about you.  Whenever you called, I'd answer.  I'd pick you up from anywhere.  At any time.

The places that I found you... the things I would find you with... and the stories that you would bring with you.  I got to a point where I thought you were invincible.  You were invincible until the very last moment.  Until that very last breath.

I can't accept that it was your last.  Don't want to think it was your last.

I don't want to cry anymore.  When people are around, I can put on a smile and tell a joke.  Inside, I'm dying.  There's a deep hole in my chest that will never be filled.

You said you were going to visit.  You promised.  I was going to pay for you to visit.

Hell, I was going to be home in two weeks.  Two god damn weeks.  Why did this have to happen?  Why did you have to do this?  If you were bored or lonely, you should've called me.  I would have been there if you needed me.  But now I'm here, and you're gone.  And you're never come back.  Never.

I had just figured my mind out, my life out.  For everything that you had done and said, I had told you that I had forgiven you.

At my wedding, when we danced I told you to take care of yourself because if you weren't careful, something bad was going to happen.  You looked so happy in that picture from Sweet Frog.  I couldn't wait to go there with you while I was home.

I'm going to be waiting for you to visit for the rest of my life.

Just wish it wasn't going to be such a long wait.

I don't care what you did.  I'm always going to love you.  Always.