Dear God,

I don't understand why this would happen.  Why you would let this happen.  Don't you know how much I love him?  How much we all love him?  How much my parents are grieving and no one can take that pain away?

I am so lost, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be found.

People express their condolences but you're the only one who should be apologizing and explaining yourself. You don't just do this to a family.  You've ripped all of our hearts out, and then shoved them back in the wrong way, and forgot to sew us up the right way.

The infection is eating away at me and I don't even feel right to eat.
I look at my parents and know exactly what they feel.
I know the guilt that they shouldn't be feeling.
I know the disbelief and hope that it's all just a dream.

If only that were true... that this were just a sick dream.

I've asked you for a sign that he's passed and is with you but all I've had are restless nights and more nightmares to add to my waking one.

I have so many questions, God.  Is he okay?  Did he conquer his demons?  Is he up there with Amber and Alaska, and his friends that have  passed?  Is he with Jennifer and Jimmy?  Please take care of him.  Tell him how much I miss him.

Bring peace to my parents.  The pain hurts so much I can't even cry.

Dear God,

If you're out there... send me a sign.

Love,
me.