Sleep

I can't sleep.

Or,
okay. I can.

If I call it insomnia
someone will tell me
that I'm uninformed
and with knowledge
I could fix myself.

You can't fix the guilt that keeps me up at night.
You can't fix the sadness that pours in like a flood
as soon as I'm alone in the dark.

And for all the praying that I've done
it doesn't change the fact
that I have my own regrets.

God,
or no god.

I have a past that I wish I could edit
take all the bad parts out
go back and say sorry
to everyone I hurt.

No,
I'm not a bad person.
But I can't help but feel that way
when I begin to close my eyes.

And when I do sleep,
I can't help but confront my demons
so I yell out in terror
and scream
some nights I cry.

I awake feeling even more tired than the night before.

I am not calling myself a victim,
nor am I trying to play that part.

But I am sad.
I do feel awfully alone.
And some nights I'm afraid to go to sleep
in fear of what I'll see behind closed eyes.

The truth of who I really am deep down
who I keep locked away.

Every good deed shattered
by each and every individual
poor choice,
wrong decision
misinterpreted word

So why don't I sleep soundly through the night?
I think you get the idea.