Innocence Lost (A snapshot in time)

And it was then that I realized what I hadn't for much too long.   He was dying long before I could even recognize what pain truly was.  The straight A student, shy and kind who suddenly came home angry late at night and would throw rocks at my window until I woke up to unlock the door for him.  The coming down from a high; the terror in his eyes.  How did I not see it before?

"At least he'll no longer be troubled by his demons."

Those demons killed the little boy he once was.  Childhood fear of growing up ate away at Peter Pan's heart until he escaped to Neverland.  What was it that led to the corruption of his once innocent soul?  What crept inside of his mind to torment him in his restless dreams?  That woke him in the dead of night with a bloodied nose, and teary eyes.  I'm sorry I didn't know how to save you.  

My peers talk about what they believe corrupts children, but they are too far detached.  I will tell you what corrupts them...

Fear. 

The monsters under the bed.  Ghosts in the forest. That in the darkness, demons lurk.

Slowly transforming into

The fear of not measuring up.  The fear of being shy in a class full of rambunctious children.  That the first impression may as well be your death sentence.  The fear of letting those who love you down. 

And then...

all those fears coming true.

Living in a nightmare.  Not knowing how to escape from no one but yourself.

And then,

Fearing who you turned into.

That is corruption my friends.  Corruption is being scared to make friends because if they knew who you really were, they would realize that you're a sick souled freak searching for something more than skin-deep acquaintances.  Just looking for someone who understands the pain that you can no longer escape.  Someone to share the burden of growing-up with.

Corruption is that sunk feeling in your chest, more specifically your heart, that you are doomed.  That shame lingering when in a room full of "saints" that you are incredibly naked.  The creeping thought that you would rather end it all here and now, because you can't take looking at yourself in the mirror.  You can't take the beauty of the world because you are not worthy.  

It is when you hide from those you love because you are ashamed of who you are.  

When you put on a mask of being fine just fine

when on the inside you are screaming that you want help.  

The fear of not being loved.  

It was then, sitting in a room full of acquaintances from church that I realized what I hadn't before.  And through my pain, I saw his own and asked myself, "How could I have been so blind?" 

Watching corruption, naturally leads to becoming corrupt.

And with my downfall, I should have realized his.

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche