Confessions

I think it's time to get something off my chest.
You know me fairly well.
You know me
then you know my writing.

Then you wonder who I really am.

I am genuinely happy
I am genuinely sad.

I struggle everyday figuring out who I am
and who I want to be.

I have my own demons.
But I also have my God to guide me.

I have  nightmares
but I also have beautiful dreams
of Heaven, and the future.
Of different times
and different places
Familiar voices
Familiar faces.

My writing always seems so sad
I know that.

But writing is my escape
and my release.

If I weren't to write my darkest thoughts
they would consume me
and sometimes they do.

I am a lucky girl.
I have a loving husband
and family that supports and tries to understand me.

There have been weeks on end when I couldn't sleep,
and if I could,
it was on a couch at midday.

There have been long nights when I would get so worked up from crying
that in the morning
It would feel as if I ran a marathon
and then was beaten with bricks.

But during those nights,
Sean would sit beside me and talk to me
and listen
and try to heal my bleeding wounds.

I still think back to the day Andrew died,
it was the day before Sean's birthday.

It was a rainy Friday.
I was up early to babysit for a friend
and when I got home,
Sean hugged me and told me to call my mom.
When she didn't answer
and he told me to sit down...
he didn't have to say anything else.
I knew my world was changing
was crashing down on me.

He told me,
held me,
and listened
as time stopped

As a kid, I looked up to Andrew.
He was Nannoo, Andoo, Androol
He was my big brother.

Everything he wanted to do,
I dreamed of doing.

When you discover someone's demons...
do you face then or do you run?

I faced his and they almost destroyed me,
but as I grew older,
I came to better understand

Sometimes I wish I was left in the dark,
not knowing what he faced
but other times
I thank that moment
for shaping me into who I am today.

As he changed,
I missed who he used to be.
I still do.

It still hurts missing him.

I am a genuinely happy person.
And a genuinely sad person.
I am human.

I have the face I wear outside,
and then I have who I am deep down.

Deep down I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here.
It's going to take some writing, tears, prayers, and hard work to move on from here
but I am faithful that I will make it
to where I want to be.

I have my dreams to inspire me.
My prayers to guide me
and my family to love me.

Today might be dark,
but it's brighter than yesterday,
and tomorrow can only be better.