Dear Andrew,

The world just feels so empty without you.

I went sometimes months at a time without hearing from you, but you were always there.  I knew you were there and that was enough.  We all worried, but the inevitable seemed impossible.

Everyday is different.  Every day is a challenge, but I'd be damned if I didn't admit that it's still my gift from God to start over new.

Some days it feels like the hole in my heart is healing, but right now, I think it's simply bleeding out slowly.

I miss you.  Your red hair that seemed to shine brighter than the sun.  How your laugh could lift the spirit in any room.  You never knew what you had planned, but that was all part of your plan.  And how you were there for so many people.  You were so selfless.

But no one is perfect,
and I suppose that's why I'm mourning rather than sitting, laughing with you while you're visiting.  You can't visit anymore.  There's no more "See you later."  No more "Bye, love you."

I can't believe that was the one time I forgot to say it, and the last time I spoke to you.

It's as though the universe was trying to tell me something
but I ignored the warnings and continued on like there was nothing wrong.

Some days I feel like I'm drowning.
Like I've taken in too much water and it's only a matter of time before I sink below the surface.
Damn,
My poker face has gotten better.  Most people don't even ask about it anymore.
By it, I mean you.

Everyone else can move on.  I don't want to. As soon as I do, that means this is real.  I don't want it to be.
I don't want to lose my big brother.  Who'd steal soup for me.  Who'd make up a story to cheer me up.  Who'd make future plans with me, even if we weren't sure if they'd even pan out.

You're not gone though.  One day I will find you.

When I feel that I am not alone, I will turn and you'll be by my side.  We'll laugh because I'll have known it was true all along.  The hole in my heart will have been mended.

To forgive doesn't mean to forget.  It means to understand, and continue living.  I can forgive everything, but this.  I guess I'll just need some time.

I love you.

Love,
Boo