"I really thought love would save us all." - John Lennon

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me

And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body x3

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere x3

Stupidly enough, I haven't heard this song in ages.  I was on pandora the other day though, and remember how much I used to love this song.  As I was listening, I was trying to figure out what in particular made me listen to it on repeat.  

Before I delve any further,

I'm going to take a step back and explain my beliefs on love, religion, etc, and if you have a problem with it, you can kindly take it up with yourself.

Though my faith in Christianity hasn't been the strongest thing in the world over the last few years, I have always believed in love.  I don't mean like your stereotypical hippy "peace and love, man" sort of thing, but in actual love.  In the C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, sort of way.  

C.S. Lewis explains how there are four types of love, one for each respectable "group" in our life.  These four types of love are affection, friendship, romance, and unconditional love.  Affection (storge) is "fondness through familiarity), as in family love, or people who have been bonded together by chance.  He describes this as being the most natural, emotive due to fondness, and most forgiving of love.  

Friendship (Phileo) is the strangest of the loves as it is the least natural, and not necessary, however, that is why friendship is so important.  Friendship is a "deeply appreciative love" as it brings together those who would otherwise be separate.  It cultivates a world within the friends, thus isolating them from all else.  

I'm going to skip Romance (Eros) for now, maybe touch on it later.  Instead, I'll go straight to Unconditional love (Agape).  We all know what unconditional love is, as it is the greatest of loves.  Lewis describes the love that God has for us as being unconditional, however, what about the love for your family or your child?  I believe it to be the same, though I am not calling any of us "God".  

Love is so important to me because without it, what guides you?  Without it, how can you reason logically, and how can you truly make relationships with people without love?  If you don't love, even the smallest amount, then it's a relationship based on selfish interests.  

To clarify why I'm talking about CS Lewis and love, I focused on the three loves that are most family related.  This isn't to segregate those who weren't related to Andrew, but rather, to bring them closer so they can understand the love that was felt for us all.

Flashback to growing up:

I was the youngest of three, having two older brothers, Andrew and Joshua.  We were best friends and worst enemies depending on the time of day, but there was always a bonding factor that brought us together regardless of the circumstances.  They weren't just my big brothers, they were my guardians.  In school, they were my protection from bullies.  At home, they were my companions.  We'd play tag for hours; arguing over who was it, laugh as we stumbled in the dark, and explored our childhood together as it slipped away like sand in an hourglass.  We were at all of each others hockey games, cheering the one on the ice on.  Heck, Andrew and Josh got kicked out of one of my games for harassing the goalie of the other team.  

When I was at boarding school, I had a difficult time getting along with my hockey coach. He had promised that I would be the only goalie, then two weeks before the school year started, he recruited an older girl, and played her more due to seniority.  Andrew knew how upset I was.  Hockey used to be my life.  Not to mention I was at a boarding school in the middle of no where and all I was known for was being the goalie on the girls' team... and wasn't even played.  He came to one of my games and overheard the dad of the other goalie talking about how his daughter was getting played consistently and how great the team was doing (not to be a dick, but they weren't).  He didn't say anything, but after the game, when I hopped into the car with my dad and him, he told me he had given the guy a piece of his mind and told him off.  At the time, it meant the world to me.  Regardless of whether he did or not, the fact that he said he did... the fact that he saw my pain and wanted to fix it meant everything to me.  

As I got older, Andrew was around a lot less.  He was always staying with this friend or that friend, in this state or another.  Sometimes we didn't know where he was, just that he was gone.  Or other times, the police would be looking for him and we knew where he was but we couldn't say anything.  Every family holiday, he'd be home though.  And as mad as we were at him, it was good just knowing he was safe.  There was a long time that I was mad at him for a lot of things, but I loved him all the same.  Whenever anyone spoke negatively about him, I stood up for him because he would have done the same for me.  

When I was fourteen, Michael came into our life.  Anyone who has met Michael knows that he is a blessing.  He is the sun and the stars, and if any child were to have the face of an angel, it would be him.  He was born with a deletion in his fifth chromosome, making him autistic.  Over the years, Michael has make tremendous progress and have brought our family closer in several ways.  If you ever needed a clear example of love though, seeing Andrew with Michael would be the best you could get.  

 Andrew would do anything for him.  His voice would get higher in pitch, and he would say "Hey Mikey!"  Andrew loved to babysit Michael.  He would read him bedtime stories, let him play with whatever he wanted, and just genuinely loved him.  You could tell by the look in his eyes how much love he held in his heart for Michael.  

Michael still talks about Andrew.  He stills dreams about him.  And he misses Andrew.  

The last summer I saw Andrew was pretty hard to swallow.  He had left rehab, wound up with a pitbull puppy, Loopy, and was dodging the police.  I didn't know for quite some time he had left rehab.  I even met up with him in Sturbridge, and we hiked the mountain to the usual spot (where his memorial now is) and was just talked about life and how he was, and what I was up to.  There are moments in my life that I wish I could freeze and go back to whenever I wanted.  That was one of them.  

On his birthday, a few weeks later, he brought Loopy with him to Mem and Pep's house.  He was so happy with that dog.  I remember I gave him a card saying how proud I was of him, and he started to tear up.  A week later, I found out that he had left rehab about a month prior.  Ugh.  My first thought wasn't an angry one, it was well where is he now?  He moved back home for a bit, then left.  When he left, he said he would just be gone for two weeks and asked us to watch Loopy.  After three weeks, we realized he didn't plan on coming back.  Loopy antagonized our golden doodle, Belle.  We started looking for a good, loving home for her but  when Andrew found out, he rushed home to take her back.  Shortly after (about a month or so), he was arrested and had to serve out a few warrants.  He was up in Lawrence, which was a hell of a drive.  But I visited him two or three times.  I dropped off clothes for him, bought him food, and snuck him some money.  During those visits, we talked about everything from my wedding being planned, to how he was doing, to his plans when he got out.  He was determined to get his life together, to go to college.  He couldn't  believe I was getting married already.  I couldn't either.  

While he was there, I had started going to therapy to work on my anxiety and depression.  My therapist was obviously worried about my jail bird brother coming home... which I thought was stupid.  I told her I was fine, and loved my brother.  He wasn't in jail for hurting anyone, and he'd never hurt me.

He got out a couple weeks before Thanksgiving and was living with us.  He was traveling between our house and Sturbridge. We worried but it would be fine, right?

The winter flew by as my wedding planning became the focus of the family.  Andrew was in and out of the house.  We'd play video games, go to the mall, and go grocery shopping together.  Every now and then, I'd have to drive him some place to drop him off, or pick him up.  These places were usually run down, in the middle of no where.  Did I worry? of course.  

On the night of my wedding, we danced together and I said to him, "Please be careful.  I don't want you getting arrested again, or hurting yourself, or worse... ending up dead."  Yeah, it's grim to say but it was a constant fear for all of us.  

I'm not going to look back on it all with rose colored glasses and act like he was an angel, because he wasn't.  But he was always there for me.  

He was arrested a week after the wedding.  

I moved to Alabama the week after.

When he got out, I called him immediately.  We talked for a couple hours on the phone, and it was good talk.  My phone died.  

It was the one time I didn't say "Bye, I love you." at the end of a phone conversation with him.  and it was the last conversation I had with him.  

The love I hold in my heart for Andrew crossed the three loves of familial, friendship, and unconditional.  

He was my big brother, my best friend, and every bad thing he had done, had been forgiven.  Now... he's gone.  He's on the other side as an Angel or spirit.  Whatever he is, he's out there and he's still talking to me.  To us.  

“Here at last is the thing I was made for.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain