I am drowning.

But I am fine.  

As I looked into your eyes
I saw a deep ache.
-a yearning for what was
and a hope
for what will never be.

And
For that
I am sorry.
I am so sorry
that so quickly
a lifetime is over.

That all the love in your heart
could not save him.
That all the love in my own heart
could not bring him back.

As I looked into your eyes
I saw a deep love.
A reflection
of those who have raised you
and those you have raised.

And
with that
you should feel pride
You should feel a deep pride
knowing that all that you have lived for
and all that you will die for
will culminate
and manifest
into love and life
everlasting.

And that
is not a something
for just anyone.

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” 

― Lemony Snicket in A Series of Unfortunate Events

As many know, I am Kirsten, Andy and Doloris' granddaughter, and the daughter of Rob and Sue.  Upon hearing the news of Pep's passing, I had to sit as I'm imaging many of you did.  This was something that I knew would happen eventually, as, at the risk of sounding too morbid, we all move on from this life and into whatever comes next at some point or another.  These last few years have been difficult years, in the sense that Pep had been in and out of the hospital.  Each time I would pray and hope that he would recover and get better.  Alas, we sit and stand here today knowing that Pep put up the good fight and fought until the end.

I would like to share my experience of being an adult with living grandparents:

To many of my friends, this is a foreign concept.  I'm not sure why, as it's a really amazing thing to have.  Getting to know Mem and Pep as mentors and friends, and not just my parents' parents has been a blessing.  Pep had been a flight engineer for the Navy, and Mem was a productive Navy wife actively involved in the Navy Wives Club.  My husband Sean, who could not be here today is an Army pilot, and I like to think of myself as a productive Army wife involved in the Family Readiness Group. Of the times that we shared with Mem and Pep, Sean and I could only talk about how much we aspire to be like them one day.

The thing that I love about Mem and Pep is that you can tell that they loved each other dearly.  I loved listening to Pep start giving Mem a hard time while driving and Mem turning and saying, "You are being such a pill!" and Pep letting out a grunt in opposition. As a little girl, he used to call me the Quin which made me so angry because, "No Pepe, it's QUEEN!"   I love that Pep was so creative, and intelligent.  I remember the little things he would make for me.  He put together my 3rd grade school project for Charlotte's Web and you best believe that I won first place.  He made a basketball court for my basketball barbies that I received one year for Christmas.  All the doll houses and Christmas Villages, and the train sets; and all the times that he and my dad were putting this or that together.  The are so many memories I could share about Pepe.

So many good memories.

I will miss that smirk he got on his face when he thought he was being clever, or that nonstop shake in his neck.  I'll miss sitting at a restaurant and him blowing his straw wrapper at me or mem.  I'll miss hearing, "Hello, my girl." whenever I call or visit.  I'll miss sharing wine coolers and military stories while playing dominos.  Most importantly, I'm going to miss his love and support.

Thank you all for coming and paying your respects to the wonderful man Pepe was.

From Up On High

From up on high
upon these tall shoulders
I feel invincible
as I dig my small fingers
into my father's hair.

He protests
and
I just laugh.

But had I known
that my last
shoulder ride
was going to be my last
I would have
laughed longer
and objected at every moment
my father tried to pull me down.

I would have held on
for dear life
and asked for another ride
tomorrow

But it's funny how
we never think
it's going to be
the last time
Until it's
long
been
over.

Rain

The rain falls quietly from outside my window.
Like a child with nothing else to do,
I watch in sheer boredum
My mind wandering through its own thoughts
Dog snuggled up to my side
as I lay on this small bed.

It's cool outside these days,
as winter approaches
with no regard for
our quite obvious objections.

It seems as though
Fall has just begun
and yet,
the trees are almost barren
and the air smells
of earthly decay.

The window pane is cool
to the touch
and fogs up
as I exhale
from a deep breathe.

I cannot help but wonder
what there is outside of all of this.
Outside of this house,
and out in the rain.
Out beyond this small town
beyond the greatest of oceans.

My dog nozzles her head against my leg
as I realize I've been clutching her for warmth.

My eyes  follow a leaf falling slowing despite
being beaten down by the rainfall
until it rests
easily
on the softened
ground.

The Boy

Once upon a time,
I met a boy who made me laugh
and made me think.

He was kind.
He was so very kind.

We spent our time
walking
and playing
in the forest
and by the stream.

This boy,
He looked past my obvious flaws
and I,
past his.

His smile,
-his face
was beautiful.

I still picture him,
the sun shining off his hair,
and the light
reflecting wonderfully
from his eyes.

We were innocent,
you see.
We were pure in our motives.
-We were friends.

Until we were not.

Until one day
I realized that what I felt for him
was more than friendship,
it was love.

And what a terrifying realization
that was.

To know
that in my hands
there was the heart of a boy
whom I quite clearly loved
and whom had loved me all along.

How nerve wracking.

It frightened me to know
that my heart had found what it desired
so soon.
-mayhap too soon.

But you know
that I ran.

I ran as fast
and as far as I could.

Until
there was nowhere left to run
except back home into his arms.

-

Once upon a time,
I met a boy
A dear and kind boy.

And I have loved him
ever since.

Hands tremble,
shaking in fear

Has it always been this way?
-Broken?

As I reach to pick up
the shattered glass pieces,
a pain shoots up
through my finger
up into my heart.

Now there is even more 
of a mess to clean up.