Wisdom

You probably don't understand me...
and that's okay.  I don't expect you to.
You are not me,
Nor am I, you.

You read my thoughts.
We never discuss.
But we could if you wanted to
And that is just how our relationship works

I've been told that I am wise beyond my years
but what gift is that?
It is a curse.

What is wisdom
If I don't fully understand
how to wield it.

And as the good book says:
But of the tree of knowledge
of good and evil,
thou shalt not eat of it
for in the day that thou eatest there
of thou shalt surely die.

Tainted by darkness
Fading innocence
Corruption lurking
In the furthest reaches
                of my mind.

But I will escape.

Have faith,
I am not a prisoner
in my own body.

Or at least,
I won't always be.

For someday
I shall escape

I am...

Wise with the knowledge
that I am not good
nor am I evil
I simply am.

The knowledge that
I care and love
and though that may not be enough
I must keep trying

There is a choice to go on
even when the outcome is unbeknownst
to us all

I am
-not because I am afraid
but because I yearn to be more
to grow
and better understand

-not because I must
but because what good is it to live tomorrow
if you wasted today?

I am not wise beyond my years,
I am young within the confines of my heart
clinging onto the last remaining strands
of innocence
almost too short and frayed
to hold onto
but long enough to try

I love and hope to be loved in return
Where I once was hurt, I have forgiven
Though once,
I was lost, I have been found
and despite my past tears,
I now smile

Knowing that this journey
is my own to take

And if I awake before it is complete,
I ask that you allow me
to fall back into my sweet dream
of climbing out of the darkness
and into this beautiful light.

Dear God,

I miss my brother.  I miss when we were all young, and happy.  I miss my parents reading me bedtime stories, and Andrew and Josh sneaking into my room to say "Goodnight, Boo."

Lord, how did this happen?  How did we grow up to be so different?  So far from where we started.  Grant me the power to understand how we got here.  To understand why Andrew has left us.

Each night, I close my eyes and pray to you.  I pray asking you to guide me home, to show me back to your Heavenly Kingdom, and to reunite me with Andrew... but you tell me my journey is far from over.   It feels like it's over.  I am too tired these days, God.  I pray to you for the strength to wake in the morning, but sometimes that's not enough.  Sometimes I can feel the demon sitting on my chest; he's too strong to fight when I am alone.

Some days, all that I can do is sit and wonder how much longer I will be a prisoner to this madness.  But when my love walks through the door, I feel your light enter my home once more.  How could that be?  He has no idea how much he means to me.

We used to be such a close family.  Such a loving family.  I guess we still are... but it's not the same.  A piece of the puzzle is missing, and we all know where it is
but can't get it back.  You've placed it in a spot we can't quite reach.

God... I miss my brothers and my parents.  I miss my whole family.  I miss just feeling like we were complete. These days I just feel so empty.

Lord,
Complete me.

With love,
Always

The Gift

Everyday is a gift
whether you realize it or not

Everyday is beautiful
rain or sun
good day
or
bad day

The sickness lingering inside of me
makes me weak
but with you
I am strong
I can move mountains
I can smile
and be myself
and be proud
of who I am

Where once I was blind
lost in the perpetual darkness
You brought me light
You guided me home

But if today is a gift
I cannot wait
for what tomorrow brings

More Than Life

Quiet comfort

The silence between two

Two fated souls

Waiting for the day

that Death shows up

on his glorious golden 

chariot

to take them both away

Two souls

desperate 

for nothing more

than to continue onward

towards the fiery sun

the glimmering stars

and the ever expanding

universe

All painted up 

on the canvas of the sky

Quiet comfort 

The light squeeze

in a hand hold

and a nod

to show empathy 

but more importantly

love

To show that the days

have grown longer

and more tiring

but that

Love 

I am here for you always

And that I need you

More than life,

I need you

Here

With me 

Always.

The sun has risen up
once again
A new day has come
A page has been turned.

Today we are made
anew

Dear Stranger, (On Losing What You Love)

Dear Stranger,

I know that you have loved, and that you have lost.  I know that late at night, your thoughts eat away at you, devouring your heart and consuming your mind.  It is driving you crazy and there is no escape.  Just more insanity.  

These nights keep you up for many more.  Haunting your waking moments, terrorizing you in your dreams.  

I know that you once loved so desperately, and now, you would do anything to get that love back.  The stone hearted are too lucky.  I know that you would give you heart and your soul, and much, much more even just to give life to that undesired death alone.  

Dear Stranger,

Death comes at the most inconvenient of times, don't you think?  And the worst part, is that no one understands who hasn't lost themselves.  But what is that?  A dead loved one's club? 

The worst thing to say at a funeral:  Man, there's a real stiff in here.  Or, Why so glum?  You look like someone died.  

I could go on forever with these jokes.  I'm not heartless.  But when you lose what you love, you become sad, depressed, and often times feel much too alone.  Moments of joy and pleasure, soon become replaced by feelings of guilt, disbelief, and anger.  Sometimes it is the joining of several in mourning that calls on a joke, or a laugh.  Something to lighten the mood.  

What fun is it to cry all the time?

I cry too often, though it feels like it's not enough.  

I cry for my parents

for my siblings,

my cousins,

aunts, uncles,

grandparents,

but mostly

for losing who I loved

Dear Stranger,

You must keep thinking of those trivial arguments that you had, and regretting them.  Saying to yourself, "If only I could change those last words..."

And even if you could, what then would you say?  And what if it changed the outcome of everything?

In my personal experience, I don't think that saying, "Bye, love you." would have changed the outcome much, but I know it would have changed the guilt I had been feeling for months.  

Or that I regret how angry I was because it ruined years of what could have been great memories.  But that is what it means to be human.  We cannot go back, and that is what makes us truly appreciate the good times, and learn from the bad times.

Dear Friend,

I know each day you feel so alone.  I know each day is a struggle and that no matter how much you try to forget or move on, the guilt piles on, and soon you drown in it.  No one understands.  I know that you need someone, another pleading soul, who will listen.  But who could that be?  Just hold on.

Hold on and listen to me.  Listen and know that you are never alone.  He is with you.  In your heart.  Listen.  Listen to the silence and you will hear him. He would never leave you.

He loves you, and that is what love is... making a promise and keeping it even if you're unsure if you can fulfill it.  Love is doing everything in your power for the other's benefit.  He is here.

He will never leave you, nor will I.

That is what love is.
And I
love you.

With all my heart,
Always.

The Rooms of Heaven

(I cut out the chorus)

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I don't like walking around this old and empty house

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear

The stairs creak as you sleep, it's keeping me awake

It's the house telling you to close your eyes

And some days I can't even trust myself

It's killing me to see you this way

'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks

Soon it will be over and buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young

And full of life and full of love.

Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right

Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear

You're gone, gone, gone away

I watched you disappear

All that's left is the ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,

There's nothing we can do

Just let me go we'll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me

Please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep

~

The next room over,

doesn't seem so far away these days

I see you everywhere

in everything

hear you in the faintest whisper

There's never been a need to yell

Today I miss you.

Yesterday you were here

and tomorrow

this will all seem like a long ago

memory

And one day

it will all make sense

Until then

I can only pray

Hoping that you hear me.