The Gift

Everyday is a gift
whether you realize it or not

Everyday is beautiful
rain or sun
good day
or
bad day

The sickness lingering inside of me
makes me weak
but with you
I am strong
I can move mountains
I can smile
and be myself
and be proud
of who I am

Where once I was blind
lost in the perpetual darkness
You brought me light
You guided me home

But if today is a gift
I cannot wait
for what tomorrow brings

More Than Life

Quiet comfort

The silence between two

Two fated souls

Waiting for the day

that Death shows up

on his glorious golden 

chariot

to take them both away

Two souls

desperate 

for nothing more

than to continue onward

towards the fiery sun

the glimmering stars

and the ever expanding

universe

All painted up 

on the canvas of the sky

Quiet comfort 

The light squeeze

in a hand hold

and a nod

to show empathy 

but more importantly

love

To show that the days

have grown longer

and more tiring

but that

Love 

I am here for you always

And that I need you

More than life,

I need you

Here

With me 

Always.

The sun has risen up
once again
A new day has come
A page has been turned.

Today we are made
anew

Dear Stranger, (On Losing What You Love)

Dear Stranger,

I know that you have loved, and that you have lost.  I know that late at night, your thoughts eat away at you, devouring your heart and consuming your mind.  It is driving you crazy and there is no escape.  Just more insanity.  

These nights keep you up for many more.  Haunting your waking moments, terrorizing you in your dreams.  

I know that you once loved so desperately, and now, you would do anything to get that love back.  The stone hearted are too lucky.  I know that you would give you heart and your soul, and much, much more even just to give life to that undesired death alone.  

Dear Stranger,

Death comes at the most inconvenient of times, don't you think?  And the worst part, is that no one understands who hasn't lost themselves.  But what is that?  A dead loved one's club? 

The worst thing to say at a funeral:  Man, there's a real stiff in here.  Or, Why so glum?  You look like someone died.  

I could go on forever with these jokes.  I'm not heartless.  But when you lose what you love, you become sad, depressed, and often times feel much too alone.  Moments of joy and pleasure, soon become replaced by feelings of guilt, disbelief, and anger.  Sometimes it is the joining of several in mourning that calls on a joke, or a laugh.  Something to lighten the mood.  

What fun is it to cry all the time?

I cry too often, though it feels like it's not enough.  

I cry for my parents

for my siblings,

my cousins,

aunts, uncles,

grandparents,

but mostly

for losing who I loved

Dear Stranger,

You must keep thinking of those trivial arguments that you had, and regretting them.  Saying to yourself, "If only I could change those last words..."

And even if you could, what then would you say?  And what if it changed the outcome of everything?

In my personal experience, I don't think that saying, "Bye, love you." would have changed the outcome much, but I know it would have changed the guilt I had been feeling for months.  

Or that I regret how angry I was because it ruined years of what could have been great memories.  But that is what it means to be human.  We cannot go back, and that is what makes us truly appreciate the good times, and learn from the bad times.

Dear Friend,

I know each day you feel so alone.  I know each day is a struggle and that no matter how much you try to forget or move on, the guilt piles on, and soon you drown in it.  No one understands.  I know that you need someone, another pleading soul, who will listen.  But who could that be?  Just hold on.

Hold on and listen to me.  Listen and know that you are never alone.  He is with you.  In your heart.  Listen.  Listen to the silence and you will hear him. He would never leave you.

He loves you, and that is what love is... making a promise and keeping it even if you're unsure if you can fulfill it.  Love is doing everything in your power for the other's benefit.  He is here.

He will never leave you, nor will I.

That is what love is.
And I
love you.

With all my heart,
Always.

The Rooms of Heaven

(I cut out the chorus)

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I don't like walking around this old and empty house

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear

The stairs creak as you sleep, it's keeping me awake

It's the house telling you to close your eyes

And some days I can't even trust myself

It's killing me to see you this way

'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks

Soon it will be over and buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young

And full of life and full of love.

Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right

Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear

You're gone, gone, gone away

I watched you disappear

All that's left is the ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,

There's nothing we can do

Just let me go we'll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me

Please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep

~

The next room over,

doesn't seem so far away these days

I see you everywhere

in everything

hear you in the faintest whisper

There's never been a need to yell

Today I miss you.

Yesterday you were here

and tomorrow

this will all seem like a long ago

memory

And one day

it will all make sense

Until then

I can only pray

Hoping that you hear me.

Saunter

Three years ago
I was grappling with the fact
that I was going into
my senior year

My dad dropped me off
helped me get checked in
and unpacked

Then,
after a quick goodbye
we knew that the year
would be long and drawn out
that our time together
would be short
and never enough

Numerous emotions
consuming me
fear, excitement
anxiety, happiness

and then
sadness

childhood
was almost up

The last memories
with whom I once believed to be
my very best friends
my family

What if my grades aren't good enough?
what if I don't get into college?
Everyone gets into college here
What if I'm not a good leader?
I don't earn the respect of my peers?

That year was a blur
Good times
bad times

the in-between times
when things were alright
and we were all just surviving
to get to the next day

I used to laugh and say
"I can't wait to get out of here"

But that last week
was one that I won't forget
Sitting atop of the hill
the sun beaming down
time stood still
all was quiet
and peaceful
I wish I could go back

The back roads and the country farms
The hiking trails through the thick woods
Twilight falling over campus
Like a spell

And the nights were so dark there
dark enough to see all the stars in the sky
dark enough to sneak out in the middle of the night
and just walk

Just saunter
as if it were we ourselves
who were
the saints of the Earth

"All good things are wild,
and free." - Thoreau

A Reflection

Looking back at my life, I'm happy with where I am at now.  It's been a long journey so far, and I've had to fight for what I have, but without the fight, it wouldn't have felt worth it.

I am twenty-one years old as of last week.  I graduated from boarding college preparatory school.  Attended a division three college for ice hockey, having most of my gear paid for.  Realized that hockey was no longer my dream.  Learned that I needed to focus more on the real world and an educated, rather than wasting my time on drama and people not worth the effort.  I am a CNA, and working towards an Associates in Medical Assistance, and a Bachelors in Health Information.  I got the little brother I always wanted when I was growing up, and he is better than I could have hoped for.  When I was fourteen, I met the boy of my dreams, and today we are happily married.  Despite the warnings, and how when you're married everything changes, I am not pregnant, nor have I ever been pregnant.  In fact, for those who doubted me, if you do the math correctly, if we married due to pregnancy, well, I'd have a kid by now.  Luckily, that is not the case.

I am living in Alabama... Alafreakingbama.  Didn't see that one coming.  But I'm happy here.  I have made some amazing friends, grown up quite a bit, and have the ability to continue school while being able to afford it.

No, I don't play hockey anymore.  And I loved hockey.  But what I loved more than hockey, was the time I got to spend with my family during those long car rides.  When I reached college and was playing, my family wasn't there.  The fun that I once had, I realized wasn't solely the love of the game.. but the love of my dad giving me a pep talk and driving hours just for a practice, or my mom shouting "sugar honey ice tea sugar honey ice tea" and her high pitched excited scream she'd let out when she was both proud and excited.

What I have learned, even just from hockey is that the things we love, change.  We don't realize that they change until it's too late and when we let go, we miss the true reason for that love in the first place.

I am happy where I am now in my life.  I have parents and family who love me.  A husband whom I adore, and whom adores me.  Heck, I even have a cat now.  I always wanted a cat.  My best friend just threw my a surprise birthday party.  I always wanted a surprise party.

I write openly and have people who support me and don't judge who I am.

What I  have learned is that I loved Andrew even when he changed.  I saw his change, but I denied it until it was too late.  I was angry with him, resented him for what he had become.  I missed who he once was.  I missed the sweet and loving little boy he once was.  He was the same though.  All that had changed were his habits.  I forgave him and we began to rebuild.

Fate has a funny way of destroying drawn out opportunities.

If I could go back,
I know I would.

I am happy with my life right now, but every day I am missing you, Andrew.  Every day I wonder when we shall meet again, but like I said, I'm happy.  Happy knowing that you are safe and sound. And no longer must I worry.  The worst has already happened.  Now, we can only pick up the pieces, and continue on.