That's all we are.

To many of you, I've come off as cool, calm, and collected.  Sarcastic and perhaps uncaring.  And everyone keeps telling me it's okay to cry and that I don't need to be strong for anyone.

I understand those words, but my body isn't reacting quite yet.  You have to understand the weight that I have sitting in my chest.  I've never felt so... surrounded by people but alone.  Everyone else is crying, and I want to take that pain away.  I'm hurt, and I'm grieving, but I care more about all of you than myself.

I love Andrew so much.  Today, we drove by Buffalo Wild Wings and was hit by the realization that I had promised to take Andrew there in the winter.  But everything was hectic; I was so stressed and he helped me pick out the tuxes that the guys wore to the wedding.  I was tired, and I was broke.  We never went.

I can't help but wonder... were you upset that we didn't go?  Did you care?  Did you look back and wish we went?  I look back and wish we did.

The other day we went to Macy's so Josh could get a suit.  The last time I had been in Macy's was with Andrew and he was talking about getting a new suit for the wedding.  You loved your dress coats.  But you wanted the full suit.  They were on sale too.  I wish I had the money to buy you one.  I would have in a heart beat.

I couldn't stand in there while Josh looked.  I could just remember his conversation with the sales associate about how much he loves suits and how he had used to work there and all that.

My heart is on the ground.
It's not bleeding.  Not anymore.
I'm pretty sure it stopped.
I feel like I've been holding my breath since Friday.

I want him back.  So bad.  I kept looking at him, hoping he'd just wake up.  I got used to how he looked lying in that casket.  I didn't like it, but it was better than nothing.  When we came back to pick up the flowers and gifts, there was an old woman in there instead.  Michael ran up to her before I could tell him to stop.  He was touching her hair, asking her where Andrew was.  Asking how she died.

This morning we had to tell Michael that he needed a coat on to go outside, along with shoes.  Told him he'd get sick.  Then he asked, "And I'll die?"

No.  You won't die from that sort of sickness.

-

I miss when we'd play on the beach.  I remember a few summers ago when we took a family vacation up to Salisbury Beach for the fourth of July.  You and Jen were together then.  I remember when we all took a walk down the road together.  Jen was talking about the mission trip she took.  I remember on that night we all sat out on the beach for a while.  You had convinced mom to do a shot with you.  Then me, you, and Jen stayed up for hours after mom and dad went to bed and we just talked.

Things were different back then.

You were trying to stay clean.  You were even trying to stop smoking.

My heart hurts.

You and Jen were telling me all these different stories and about how I can never do drugs.  And you kept asking me if I wanted to do a shot and Jen kept saying "No Andrew!" Wish I took that shot with you.  It would have been my first but at least it would have been with you.

I remember last Christmas in Vero when you bought me Twisted Tea and Mike's.  When you did a Whiskey shot with Josh, and he puked everywhere.  And how Josh was philosophizing to us as we walked down the beach.  Telling us to "look at the star, THAT STAR.  That's all we are."

That is all we are.  Mere specs compared to everything and everyone else.  But it's better to be a spec among others, than to be a spec alone.

And I know I'm not alone.  But it sure feels like it right now.

I just want to sleep.
But I can't.

I miss you so much.
This pain is killing me.

The good times are killing me.

Invincible

These last few days have been really hard to get through, but today, might be the worst.

I don't want to say goodbye, because I don't want this to be the end.  I have so many memories with you, and I don't want this one to be the last.

I remember when we lived in the dome house, when mom's birds died, and so you made a cross out of tree branches.  It seemed huge to me.  And the strawberry patch, and all of us floating around in the pool half the day, the other half of the day in the woods fighting invisible monsters.

But when that game ended, years later, those monsters must have followed you.  You should have said something.  Told us we were still in the game.  I would go to war against anyone for you.

And to the rest of you,
I will breathe for you
even when you don't want me to.

-

This cannot happen again and will not happen again.
I might be 20 but my heart isn't strong enough to deal with this a second time.

And no one here should blame themselves.  I know and can relate to the guilt everyone is feeling in the back of their mind, or maybe openly, but there's so little that we could have done.  We could beat ourselves dead asking what if? What if I didn't lose his gameboy down in Florida?  What if I were home on Friday?

What if I had booked him the first flight to Alabama like I had wanted to?  But I didn't.  Nobody knew this was coming.  And you know, it shouldn't take a death to bring us together like this.

I love everyone here so much.  We shouldn't have to be reminded to stay close.

When Andrew was in and out of jail, I would drive so far some times just to visit him.  I didn't care that it was only for an hour at a time, I love him so much.  When he would call, I would answer.  Even when we didn't have anything to talk about, we talked about everything.

Andrew was a fun loving, open hearted guy who could put a smile on anyone's face, and could open anyone's heart.  He had good intentions despite some of his actions.  Like the time he stole soup from walmart for me when I was sick.  But if I had the choice to have him back as he had become, or to just leave him like this, I would take him back in a heart beat. I didn't care about those problems.  I worried like everyone else did.  But he was invincible up until his very last breath.

Today was hard.  So hard.  I keep trying to stay strong, but I'm afraid that I'm going to lose all feelings that I have at all.

There were so many people to say goodbye.  I wish I knew them all.  Andrew loved his friends.  All of them.    He had such a big heart.  When his stopped... all of ours stopped.  Silent and still, as we waited to hear something.  Anything.  The first breath you took as you re-entered the world.

As I knelt by your casket, I realized I wasn't ready.  Addison and Michael kept wanting to see you.
This just isn't right.
I held it together.  I sound like such an uncaring sister.  My heart hurts so bad.  My head is pounding. All I can do is try to put on a smile and laugh it off.

We all grieve differently.

When I get back home to Sean, I know I'm going to be a wreck but for now, I can at least pretend that I'm breathing.

Hard Night's Rest

I never had my own dreams.

Never had my own favorites of anything.

Never blazed my own trail out of originality.  

Everything I did, it was for you.

You favorite color was red.

My favorite color was red.

You dreamed of flying.

I dreamed of flying.

You wanted to be a goalie.

I wanted to be a goalie.

You wanted to go to a private school.

I wanted to go to a private school.

I could go on forever.

All that I ever wanted was to be like you.  

You were so smart, without having to try.

You can play the guitar, without having to try.

You could help dad with any project, and know exactly what you were doing.

There were so many things about you that I aspired to become

My big brother, why are you gone?

Yesterday, when Michael got home from school he was upset.  When I was in his room, he looks at me with a quivering lip and says, "Andrew died.  He is dead."

"Yes. He is."

"Why?"

What am I supposed to say?

"He was sick, Michael.  He's in Heaven now."  

"Like Grandpa?"

"Like Grandpa."

I could die in that moment.  

There's a hole in my heart, as I bleed out all of this pain.  

The only thing keeping me here is that I'm alive,

and that's the most I've felt over these last few days.

Just tell me you're okay.

I need a sign

but when I sit in my room

the orange walls feel emptier than they did before.

There's no life left in that room

it's as if when you took your last breath,

you sucked it all up

swallowed,

and left the room empty.

These few hours of sleep haven't been comforting me at all.

I stay up until I wake up and it's another morning.

This isn't how we should have come together.

And I pray to you, and to this 'god' we all talk about

that I can meet with you once more in my dreams.  

Dear Andrew,

Just in case you ever wonder,
There will never be a day that you are not missed.
I'm among many who will miss you every single day.

Josh and I try to laugh about it,
then we're left in this awkward silence that we know just isn't right.

Just in case you ever wonder,
I was looking at plane tickets for you.
I was going to buy them.
You just had to say the word.

I'm so mad at you right now,
but I love you and you're gone and no amount of sadness or remorse can take that pain away.  You should have messaged me.  I would have answered you.  I would have answered you and talked to you.  I would have at least been able to say Bye or I love you.

And just in case you ever wonder,
this guilt in my heart is driving me mad.  I'm so sorry I was mad at you for so long.  But I had forgiven you, and I had told you that I had.  I had told you that years ago.  All I wanted was for you to get better.  I wanted that anger to go away.  I wanted the old you back.

I can't accept that you're never coming back.

The world has been holding it's breath for the last five days.
I still keep telling myself this isn't real.
This isn't real.

I'm not in denial.
I'm accepting that the truth isn't making sense.

Seeing Brendan and Shannon today, and the four of us talking...
It sucks that these are the circumstances,
but it's good to be home.
Just wish you were here with us.
But then...
I guess we wouldn't all be here.

The sting from this slap of reality
won't go away.

"To Move on is to Grow" by We Came as Romans

These are lyrics to one of my favorite songs. To Move on is to Grow by We Came as Romans, it's a heavy song, and I didn't realize what the lyrics were until I was going through my playlist on youtube I decided to look them up. It matches how I feel, and I think how a lot of us are feeling. 

I've been sleeping on stones...

My mistakes are easier made a second time.
And I can't move on since I've closed my eyes.
Since I've closed my eyes.
I've cut off myself from everybody else.

To move on is to grow, 
Yet I haven't been able to accomplish either.
I know the way to go, 
Yet I can't bring myself to move forward.

I've been sleeping on stones and they've formed to my spine.
My once straight back, now a crooked line.
I've broken no bones and I appear to be just fine.
My life's been emptied from the inside.

Every decision is easier made a second time.
Every decision is easier made a second time.
But once you start down one line.
The distance becomes greater to change your mind.
To change the way you're living your life.

To move on is to grow, 
Yet we can barely accomplish either on our own.
We know the way to go, 
Yet we follow those with their eyes closed.

I've been sleeping on stones...

We've been sleeping on stones and they've formed to our spines.
Our once straight backs now just crooked lines.
When we all wake up inside the beds in which we lie.
We will wish we had stopped the first time.

When we wake up to the lives that we've created.
We'll see we built nothing, but destroyed it.
So turn around and head back the way you came.

I'll follow you, encourage you 
I'll follow you, encourage you
we'll be steadfast in our way.
And as we make it back to where our lives branched off.
We will take the path we should have taken all along.
Once you start down one line.

The distance becomes greater to change your mind.
To change the way you're living your life.

To move on is to grow.