Dear Andrew,

Just in case you ever wonder,
There will never be a day that you are not missed.
I'm among many who will miss you every single day.

Josh and I try to laugh about it,
then we're left in this awkward silence that we know just isn't right.

Just in case you ever wonder,
I was looking at plane tickets for you.
I was going to buy them.
You just had to say the word.

I'm so mad at you right now,
but I love you and you're gone and no amount of sadness or remorse can take that pain away.  You should have messaged me.  I would have answered you.  I would have answered you and talked to you.  I would have at least been able to say Bye or I love you.

And just in case you ever wonder,
this guilt in my heart is driving me mad.  I'm so sorry I was mad at you for so long.  But I had forgiven you, and I had told you that I had.  I had told you that years ago.  All I wanted was for you to get better.  I wanted that anger to go away.  I wanted the old you back.

I can't accept that you're never coming back.

The world has been holding it's breath for the last five days.
I still keep telling myself this isn't real.
This isn't real.

I'm not in denial.
I'm accepting that the truth isn't making sense.

Seeing Brendan and Shannon today, and the four of us talking...
It sucks that these are the circumstances,
but it's good to be home.
Just wish you were here with us.
But then...
I guess we wouldn't all be here.

The sting from this slap of reality
won't go away.

"To Move on is to Grow" by We Came as Romans

These are lyrics to one of my favorite songs. To Move on is to Grow by We Came as Romans, it's a heavy song, and I didn't realize what the lyrics were until I was going through my playlist on youtube I decided to look them up. It matches how I feel, and I think how a lot of us are feeling. 

I've been sleeping on stones...

My mistakes are easier made a second time.
And I can't move on since I've closed my eyes.
Since I've closed my eyes.
I've cut off myself from everybody else.

To move on is to grow, 
Yet I haven't been able to accomplish either.
I know the way to go, 
Yet I can't bring myself to move forward.

I've been sleeping on stones and they've formed to my spine.
My once straight back, now a crooked line.
I've broken no bones and I appear to be just fine.
My life's been emptied from the inside.

Every decision is easier made a second time.
Every decision is easier made a second time.
But once you start down one line.
The distance becomes greater to change your mind.
To change the way you're living your life.

To move on is to grow, 
Yet we can barely accomplish either on our own.
We know the way to go, 
Yet we follow those with their eyes closed.

I've been sleeping on stones...

We've been sleeping on stones and they've formed to our spines.
Our once straight backs now just crooked lines.
When we all wake up inside the beds in which we lie.
We will wish we had stopped the first time.

When we wake up to the lives that we've created.
We'll see we built nothing, but destroyed it.
So turn around and head back the way you came.

I'll follow you, encourage you 
I'll follow you, encourage you
we'll be steadfast in our way.
And as we make it back to where our lives branched off.
We will take the path we should have taken all along.
Once you start down one line.

The distance becomes greater to change your mind.
To change the way you're living your life.

To move on is to grow.

Friday

I'm too sore to wake up. But every time I close my eyes, I have nightmares, so I decide to get up. I walk over into the living room, lay down, and play some video games while I wait for Sean to come home from class. I contemplate facebooking Andrew but I figured that he was probably still sleeping, so I decided I'd just wait. Sean comes home and we snuggle on the couch. We talk about his morning PT and about the pictures for his class that he has to hand in. I tell him that I have to leave at 9:45 to be at Audrie's to babysit Mitch. It was Mitch's birthday. He says that he'll take the car at 9 to drop off his project but then Dave showed up to drop off our frisbee. I made breakfast for the boys. Then had to get ready and leave. Sean had to ride with Dave to drop off his project. I get to Audrie's house and instead of Mitch, I see a little Andrew. I can't believe what I'm seeing but don't think anything of it. Once Mitch takes a nap I'll go on facebook and talk to Andrew. Of course, Mitch had a hard time sleeping. And when I went to go online, the computer died and then Audrie was on her way home. I texted Sean to tell him I'd be on my way home soon. He tells me to take my time and that he loves me. He doesn't normally just text "I love you." But I thought he was being sweet so said I love you too, and didn't think anything of it. Normally I would stay at Audrie's and chat for a bit, but I really wanted to go home. I was so tired. When I got home, Sean was a couple minutes out still. I saw him pull in, and hop out of Dave's truck. I go outside to greet him. He pulls me in for a hug, kisses me, and says "I love you so much." I thought this was a really great day. When we step inside, he looks at me and says, "You need to call you mom." So, I call her thinking she had a surprise for me or something. While the phone was dialing, Sean gently pushed me onto one of our bar stools, and in that moment, I knew that something was wrong. I started to cry, to panic and deny. When my mom wouldn't answer her phone (she was breaking the news to my dad) I looked at Sean, and he pulls me close and says "It's Andrew." Not wanting to understand, I ask, "What about him?" "He overdosed this morning." "But he's alive, right? He's in the hospital." "I don't think so." My heart sank. I ran to my computer. Sean had to log me into Facebook because he had locked my account so I couldn't find out while I was babysitting. I went on Andrew's profile... and someone had already written a memorial. How could they have known. How could anyone have known when I was just finding out? It's still not sinking in. Just then, my mom calls. She tells me what happened, and she's sobbing. I'm sobbing. And Sean's holding me. It's like I'm a child all over again. It's like a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I keep asking how this happened, and though she tells me, I can't believe her. He was going to visit me. I was going to visit home. This wasn't supposed to happen. After I get off the phone with her, I cry for what feels like forever. I'm trying to get over it, but it's so fresh and new. I tell a few people. Cry some more. Then play video games. Sean told our neighbors the news so that they knew not to expect us over for game night. They brought gumbo over later for us. Later, I told Sean to bring me to the gas station so I could buy some wine. When we got to the gas station, the site of all the alcohol bottles made me nauseous. I grab my bottle of wine, and go. When we got back into the car, I start crying again. We get back home, And go for a walk across the street to the swing set. "He almost seemed invincible" you're right. But he wasn't. We go back home. I start drinking my wine, pour a glass, then turn on the movie What Dreams May Come. I cry for a while longer. And then, I fell asleep. Saturday morning comes without any rest. And just like Friday, it's still raining. There were so many signs. I just didn't understand how to read them. I hope you can hear me. I miss you so much, and will every day. You're my best friend, my best big brother, and best reason to keep crying.

We all grieve in different ways.

"We all have our horrors and our demons to fight. But how can I win, when I'm paralyzed? They crawl up on my bed, wrap their fingers around my throat. Is this what I get for the choices that I made? God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, for everything. God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, God forgive me. Don't go, I can't do this on my own. Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night. I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight. Don't go." -Bring me the horizon, Don't Go

Dear God,

I don't understand why this would happen.  Why you would let this happen.  Don't you know how much I love him?  How much we all love him?  How much my parents are grieving and no one can take that pain away?

I am so lost, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be found.

People express their condolences but you're the only one who should be apologizing and explaining yourself. You don't just do this to a family.  You've ripped all of our hearts out, and then shoved them back in the wrong way, and forgot to sew us up the right way.

The infection is eating away at me and I don't even feel right to eat.
I look at my parents and know exactly what they feel.
I know the guilt that they shouldn't be feeling.
I know the disbelief and hope that it's all just a dream.

If only that were true... that this were just a sick dream.

I've asked you for a sign that he's passed and is with you but all I've had are restless nights and more nightmares to add to my waking one.

I have so many questions, God.  Is he okay?  Did he conquer his demons?  Is he up there with Amber and Alaska, and his friends that have  passed?  Is he with Jennifer and Jimmy?  Please take care of him.  Tell him how much I miss him.

Bring peace to my parents.  The pain hurts so much I can't even cry.

Dear God,

If you're out there... send me a sign.

Love,
me.

The Good Times are Killing Me

Going to miss you everyday.

Your voice.
Your smell.
Your laugh.
Everything about you.

Looking through the pictures today killed me.
My heart feels frozen and stuck on the same beat.

It's so stupid but I keep hoping, and praying that at the wake you're just going to sit up,
look at us with that quirky look, laugh, then say "Haha!  Gotya!"

I know that's not going to happen.  But, damn, I wish it would.  We all wish it would.

When I took a shower this morning, all of your stuff was in there... and it smelled just like you.

"The good times are killing me"

I keep looking through some of the music we used to listen to.  It feels like you're talking to me through it.  I know you're not.  But god damn I miss you so much.  It's only been three days.  I've missed you each and every one.  I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life.  There's no words that can make this any better.

Memories make it worse.

These last couple of years have sucked.  In and out of jail.  Staying up at night, worrying about you.  Whenever you called, I'd answer.  I'd pick you up from anywhere.  At any time.

The places that I found you... the things I would find you with... and the stories that you would bring with you.  I got to a point where I thought you were invincible.  You were invincible until the very last moment.  Until that very last breath.

I can't accept that it was your last.  Don't want to think it was your last.

I don't want to cry anymore.  When people are around, I can put on a smile and tell a joke.  Inside, I'm dying.  There's a deep hole in my chest that will never be filled.

You said you were going to visit.  You promised.  I was going to pay for you to visit.

Hell, I was going to be home in two weeks.  Two god damn weeks.  Why did this have to happen?  Why did you have to do this?  If you were bored or lonely, you should've called me.  I would have been there if you needed me.  But now I'm here, and you're gone.  And you're never come back.  Never.

I had just figured my mind out, my life out.  For everything that you had done and said, I had told you that I had forgiven you.

At my wedding, when we danced I told you to take care of yourself because if you weren't careful, something bad was going to happen.  You looked so happy in that picture from Sweet Frog.  I couldn't wait to go there with you while I was home.

I'm going to be waiting for you to visit for the rest of my life.

Just wish it wasn't going to be such a long wait.

I don't care what you did.  I'm always going to love you.  Always.