Saunter

Three years ago
I was grappling with the fact
that I was going into
my senior year

My dad dropped me off
helped me get checked in
and unpacked

Then,
after a quick goodbye
we knew that the year
would be long and drawn out
that our time together
would be short
and never enough

Numerous emotions
consuming me
fear, excitement
anxiety, happiness

and then
sadness

childhood
was almost up

The last memories
with whom I once believed to be
my very best friends
my family

What if my grades aren't good enough?
what if I don't get into college?
Everyone gets into college here
What if I'm not a good leader?
I don't earn the respect of my peers?

That year was a blur
Good times
bad times

the in-between times
when things were alright
and we were all just surviving
to get to the next day

I used to laugh and say
"I can't wait to get out of here"

But that last week
was one that I won't forget
Sitting atop of the hill
the sun beaming down
time stood still
all was quiet
and peaceful
I wish I could go back

The back roads and the country farms
The hiking trails through the thick woods
Twilight falling over campus
Like a spell

And the nights were so dark there
dark enough to see all the stars in the sky
dark enough to sneak out in the middle of the night
and just walk

Just saunter
as if it were we ourselves
who were
the saints of the Earth

"All good things are wild,
and free." - Thoreau

A Reflection

Looking back at my life, I'm happy with where I am at now.  It's been a long journey so far, and I've had to fight for what I have, but without the fight, it wouldn't have felt worth it.

I am twenty-one years old as of last week.  I graduated from boarding college preparatory school.  Attended a division three college for ice hockey, having most of my gear paid for.  Realized that hockey was no longer my dream.  Learned that I needed to focus more on the real world and an educated, rather than wasting my time on drama and people not worth the effort.  I am a CNA, and working towards an Associates in Medical Assistance, and a Bachelors in Health Information.  I got the little brother I always wanted when I was growing up, and he is better than I could have hoped for.  When I was fourteen, I met the boy of my dreams, and today we are happily married.  Despite the warnings, and how when you're married everything changes, I am not pregnant, nor have I ever been pregnant.  In fact, for those who doubted me, if you do the math correctly, if we married due to pregnancy, well, I'd have a kid by now.  Luckily, that is not the case.

I am living in Alabama... Alafreakingbama.  Didn't see that one coming.  But I'm happy here.  I have made some amazing friends, grown up quite a bit, and have the ability to continue school while being able to afford it.

No, I don't play hockey anymore.  And I loved hockey.  But what I loved more than hockey, was the time I got to spend with my family during those long car rides.  When I reached college and was playing, my family wasn't there.  The fun that I once had, I realized wasn't solely the love of the game.. but the love of my dad giving me a pep talk and driving hours just for a practice, or my mom shouting "sugar honey ice tea sugar honey ice tea" and her high pitched excited scream she'd let out when she was both proud and excited.

What I have learned, even just from hockey is that the things we love, change.  We don't realize that they change until it's too late and when we let go, we miss the true reason for that love in the first place.

I am happy where I am now in my life.  I have parents and family who love me.  A husband whom I adore, and whom adores me.  Heck, I even have a cat now.  I always wanted a cat.  My best friend just threw my a surprise birthday party.  I always wanted a surprise party.

I write openly and have people who support me and don't judge who I am.

What I  have learned is that I loved Andrew even when he changed.  I saw his change, but I denied it until it was too late.  I was angry with him, resented him for what he had become.  I missed who he once was.  I missed the sweet and loving little boy he once was.  He was the same though.  All that had changed were his habits.  I forgave him and we began to rebuild.

Fate has a funny way of destroying drawn out opportunities.

If I could go back,
I know I would.

I am happy with my life right now, but every day I am missing you, Andrew.  Every day I wonder when we shall meet again, but like I said, I'm happy.  Happy knowing that you are safe and sound. And no longer must I worry.  The worst has already happened.  Now, we can only pick up the pieces, and continue on.

Darkness

When the night comes
darkness slips through the cracks
creeps into my home
-into my heart

Scared
that with each passing moment
the demons will come closer
to breaking me

They torment me in my dreams
Call to me when I am awake
and I can only hope
that one day
they will leave.

Tired
too tired to fight anymore
if the darkness takes me
sometimes I think
"so be it"

So be this life.

We all have skeletons
in our closets
but most of ours
don't fight to get out
don't writhe and scream
scratching so loud
that my ears begin to bleed.

When the night comes
I see the darkness filling my eyes
filling my mind
too tired to fight
and once more
I fall into a restless sleep

The Leaves Do Not Turn Here

Summer fades
with each passing day
the heat
gradually dissipating

crickets sing
airplanes
and helicopters fly over head

Another month quickly approaches
and with time
it will be as if
this year never happened at all

Just another moment to forget
and let slip through the cracks
Just another moment
to tell yourself never happened.

The leaves don't turn here.
They just die.
Such a bland existence
But at home,
their sacrifice looked so beautiful
so glorious
that Autumn didn't look so ominous
but rather
peaceful
and understanding.

It gave hope
that prior to death
we could burn the purest shades
of red and gold
anything in between
before turning to mere ash
left to dissolve into the ground.

It gave hope that
we could leave behind a seed
that would grow
after the cold Winter months
to let our line continue on

-that we may not die in vain
but rather
die having passed on the secrets
of our nature.

Goodbye For Now

Dear Andrew,

Time changed us

and we grew apart

but I still love you.

and I still miss you everyday.

Sometimes I ignore the pain

other days 

I embrace it

to remember you

I know you wouldn't want this

but 

I know you wouldn't want to be forgotten.

That's why you talk to me

in my dreams 

or even

when I'm outside

and the wind picks up

and there's a whisper through the 

leaves in the trees.

I know you're there.

Sometimes life goes on as usual

other days it stops so suddenly

and I can't breathe 

as if my heart decides

it's done beating

and just wants to join you.

I can't though.

There's still so much left to do

so many people left to meet

places to see

so that when I die

I may see you again

and tell you all about it

and you will laugh

You will tell me

"I was there the whole time,

didn't you see me?"

Of course I did.

I see you everywhere.  

I cannot wait for that day.

Truly,

it will be heavenly.

Love Always,

Boo

Hope is a waking dream

"Dream Machine"

I am a dream machine
The things I see when I sleep
You wouldn't believe
I am a weird machine
Which I'd rather be
Than cold and unfeeling
Than stone and freewheeling
For no reason
Why would I try then?

I am a whisper at night
When maybe I shouldn't so shy
I am a smile when it feels right
But mostly just pretty dry
What would I be then and
Why would I try?

~

Life as we know it

is failing us

every moment that we are

in fact

alive.

Life as I know it

has left me

to find another port 

another victim

If I just lie here under my blankets

maybe I can wait until it all 

just passes me by.

A dream

it's all a dream

I can't shake these nightmares

these shadows

lurking in the dark

Close my eyes

it's all just a dream

a silly dream

when I awake it will all be over

When I awake

If I awake

If only I could find you.

You cannot find what you haven't lost.

You are with me always.

1 John 4:1

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.

Being

Ready to start again
to start over new
God,
I cannot wait.

Getting nervous
as I get ready.
New clothes
fresh with the tags still on
Brushing the snarls out of my hair
Brushing my teeth for an extra two minutes
This could be my only chance out of here
I pull on my new shining shoes
close my eyes
and try to breathe
Then walk outside
and into the car

Driving myself crazy
thinking of all the possibilities
All the doors this could open

I don't bother to look at the road
I am looking at the sky
the beautifully painted
pink
orange
and blue sky

And I think of how long it took me
to get here.

And how soon
I will leave.

I cannot wait.
Today
is the day
that will change
everything

Today
I will overcome.
I will escape.
I will believe.
I will be.