No Such Thing As Goodbye

Is it worth the pain
to grow up?

I'm tired of living like this.

Pretending that I'm fine
when every day is a struggle
to just get out of bed.

Every day I contemplate
how easy it would be
to just take a couple extra sleeping pills
and never worry about
waking up again.

Alas,
it's only a thought.
Never to come to fruition.



I wish you didn't have to leave like this.

I wish I could have said goodbye.

Pain

The flesh is dead now
Time to peel it away
and let new skin grow.

Each day will bring pain
whether or not
the wound is cared for
healing brings pain
as does infection.

It will burn regardless

Whether is spreads and consumes you
or begins to rebuild,
the wound shrinking each day
scabbing over
itching
until it is nothing more than a scar

It won't ever be forgotten.

No matter which path is taken
there will always be pain

Consume it
or let it consume you.

More restless nights

The crickets sing tonight

with the frogs

and the toads

Their nightly opera 

pleases me 

while this insomnia 

rocks me gently 

into a delusional state

There are times when I feel as though I could sleep

forever.

But at night

I could never.

My kitten's quiet breathing 

is almost enough to convince me

that I'm ready to close my eyes

and take a rest.

It's not enough.

It will never be enough.

Sometimes

I close my eyes

and

I dream.

About you.

About us.

How we used to be.

God,

I miss you so much.

I dream of Mom and Dad crying.

Most of my dreams are nightmares these days

you see?

Tornadoes

Ghosts

Demons

If nothing, then simply

Fear

It all haunts me.

I'm waiting for a sign

from someone

you

I'm waiting for God to speak to me and say

"Your time will come, too."

I feel abandoned.

Mostly hopeless.

As though I'll be damned before I am dead.

I pray at night

asking

no

begging for forgiveness

I cannot live my life like this.

Not sleeping.

Hardly breathing.

Begging for a reason to make it through tomorrow.

There is no one who understands where I am at.

No one has lost what I have.

No one has lived this life.

And I ask myself often,

"What did I do to deserve this?"

God is tormenting me.

His greatest of all tests I failed

because I couldn't forgive in time

You have a sick sense of humor.

Let me sleep.

Let me be in peace.

It's hard to not think about you.  You're everywhere I look.
Around every corner I turn.

You're haunting me, by not showing yourself.

Everyday tears me to pieces.
There are somethings that no one will ever know

It's been a long while since I last wrote.

Not because I didn't want to, you see...
I did want to.
I couldn't.

It breaks me up to write when the thought of you is still so fresh on my mind.
I'm not over it.  Far from it to be quite honest.

I won't ever accept that you're gone.

The week is done.
We've made it through.

Barely.

Restlessly tossing and turning all hours of the night
And even when I did sleep
I woke up feeling nothing.

Nothing is an awful lot to feel
Awful lot to rest on my shoulders
And it's all that is left of you.

I keep asking myself "why?"
But to no avail.
No one will ever know why.

It's this sunken, slow beating heart
that keeps me up at night
and the guilt that runs through my mind.

Will these feelings every fade?
Will you ever become a mere memory and nothing more?

Saving You

Sometimes I can't sleep.

By sometimes,

I mean very often.

I try to convince myself that I am fine

but let's be honest here,

I'm not.

I'm overtired

over stressed

and I miss you most of all

Lately,

I have been stuck thinking about

your birthday coming up

remembering last years birthday

It hurts to know we'll never celebrate together 

again

It hurts to know that no matter where I am in this world

you won't be here with me.

I spent the last ten years trying to find out what happened to my big brother

only to truly lose him in the end.  

All the pain that I had ever wished on you

I would take it back in a heart beat

I would inflict it upon myself instead.

If I could go back in time

and know what I know now...

I just wanted to save you.