with the frogs
and the toads
Their nightly opera
pleases me
while this insomnia
rocks me gently
into a delusional state
There are times when I feel as though I could sleep
forever.
But at night
I could never.
My kitten's quiet breathing
is almost enough to convince me
that I'm ready to close my eyes
and take a rest.
It's not enough.
It will never be enough.
Sometimes
I close my eyes
and
I dream.
About you.
About us.
How we used to be.
God,
I miss you so much.
I dream of Mom and Dad crying.
Most of my dreams are nightmares these days
you see?
Tornadoes
Ghosts
Demons
If nothing, then simply
Fear
It all haunts me.
I'm waiting for a sign
from someone
you
I'm waiting for God to speak to me and say
"Your time will come, too."
I feel abandoned.
Mostly hopeless.
As though I'll be damned before I am dead.
I pray at night
asking
no
begging for forgiveness
I cannot live my life like this.
Not sleeping.
Hardly breathing.
Begging for a reason to make it through tomorrow.
There is no one who understands where I am at.
No one has lost what I have.
No one has lived this life.
And I ask myself often,
"What did I do to deserve this?"
God is tormenting me.
His greatest of all tests I failed
because I couldn't forgive in time
You have a sick sense of humor.
Let me sleep.
Let me be in peace.
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