Midnight:

Strange noises emerge from the woods outside my window, either that, or it's just the sound of the highway that's not too far off.  I'm tired of studying, and am using any distraction I can to keep me from looking back into that damned book.  So much of a future rides on this test... I cannot afford to fail.  But then again, I also cannot afford to die of misery.
Chinese food is sitting in my throat, waiting to escape at the next burp.  How do I manage this while being exhausted? I crack open an energy drink.  What am I currently running on? A Sprite, two coffees, plenty of water, and now this.

-I'm still tired-

Taking a brief look at the study guide, I shudder.  What is this?  Have we even gone over any of this yet?  Well, no shit we have.  Maybe if you paid better attention in class, we wouldn't be awake right now.  We could be quietly sleeping, enjoying the late night hours.  Or, you could be cuddling with your boyfriend with the hopes of falling fast asleep in his arms.

-I never noticed the shine these walls give off at this hour; it's quite nice.  Calming if you will-

Electronegativifuckthis and fuck me.  I think I'll just take a nap right here on page 149...

Letter

Dear Aunt Pam and Uncle Jim,

Not everyday is sunny, but you already knew that.
Some days, it feels like if it rains hard enough,
we might just drown.  And some days, we're okay with that.

But other days,
the sun shines so beautifully down on us that it's nearly impossible to tear away our gaze.
It's as though heaven is right here on Earth, and if we believe enough
we can see all whom we've loved and lost.

Perhaps it's just God toying with us, to give us something to look forward to at the end of our days.
So we can long for something outside of this realm.

I can only imagine.
Only hope
                that one day, after all is said and all is done, we will meet on the other side.
Fresh and new, blessed in God's glory and grace.

And even when your hope does stray, do not forget the beauty of this world.  How the first Spring rain washes the world clean.  And how the trees whisper in the warm summer breeze.  Autumns bright colors as nature's grand finale before a desolate cold approaches.  And lastly, don't forget the first snow fall and how each time you listen in the dead of winter, you hear not silence, but peace.  A stillness that calms.  How the laughter of children playing in the yard will echo through your ears and mind years after they're gone.

Not every day will be sunny,
nor will every day be warm, inviting, nor swell.

But every day is a gift
that you have survived through another sleepless night
that you have put yesterday behind you
and faced today, despite your fears

That you swallowed your grief,
put your nose to the grindstone
and made it through once again.

And while you may feel broken, or bruised
tired, twisted, and confused
by God's plan

Know that you have survived

Against all odds,
you continue to climb branches of God's tree.
Despite the hardships,
You know that one day you will be free

But I want you to know something, more important than the rain,
or the sun,
the pain, and the joy.

I want you to know
that no matter the darkness of the sky
you shine a light that has led me here
no matter how strong the wind blows
you whisper words that have told me to push on
and that no matter how high the waves have risen up,
threatening to swallow us,
dragging us into a deep oblivion
You held my head above the waves,

But hold your breath
or you will fail to see
how his love spreads outwards toward infinity

And know,
forever, and for now
just how much it is
that you mean
to me

I want to say something
but I can't

Looking at my watch,
It is as if I am in a hurry of some sort
but let's be honest

-It's 11:40 at night
I have no where to go

Too young for the bars
Too hung over for anymore alcohol
Too strung out for anymore of whatever the doctor gave me

I can't sleep
but I know you are

You face still
body restless

I miss you every minute of everyday
(even when you're here with me)

It's as if you're already gone
and GOD I know that you're not
but if I accept the inevitable now,
I won't have to deal with it later

It's almost a win-win
But I'm still losing
You.
~
I count the stars in the night sky
hoping that one of them will pop out at me,
exposing some sort of miracle,
a kind of miracle that I need
~
Dear Kirsten,

I've been watching you for a while now and can't help but to feel like you're giving up.  Never have I seen you so sad, so down on yourself.  And I can't help but to ask myself, "What is it that is wrong?"  You have everything and yet you give yourself nothing.

You look at him with a story already written in your head, and you know that's not how it's going to work out.  You want this to be some sort of fairy tale but you know that will never be what you hoped it to be.  I know what you want, and perhaps he does too.  He loves you.  How many times does he have to tell you?

We'll make it through this.

Eyes to the sky,
Toes hardly on the ground,
We'll make it through this.

Sincerely,
me

sleepy talk

He's so critical
    and analytical
that it is so dreadfully hard to not feel his eyes peering through
my soul

I was once a traveler
      I knew nothing of this land
I just knew

I knew that one day I would find the treasure
in the land of untamed wilderness
Where the birds screech loudly with the monkeys
and the forest is a grassy green, unmatchable to anything around these parts
              The water will be a clear blue
It would have been perfect

But his eyes,
they crystallize those dreams
and bring them down to Earth

But his voice
so sweet and rich as if with wine
sings to me as I drift into my eternal sleep

I think of the moments that we have left together
so few
but so many

It feels as though a lifetime could pass and it would never be enough

You have only poured your heart out to me once
but I knew that you meant it

I once believed in fairy tales
and that Peter Pan would sweep me off my feet
but you are something else,
that I can say the least

You are handsome
Intolerable
Loving
Annoying
and the best moment that I will ever remember

Everyone knows that I cannot remember much
but when it comes to you,
I can and will remember everything
anything

I will memorize every love poem and story imaginable and act them all out to you
but I know that none would prove as fitting as ours

He is sleeping
I stare at him through fogged glass
my bare hand on his bare skin
digging deep into his being
inhaling and exhaling all that I can

I am not obsessed
I am
I am-
I am alive

I am human
and I take what I have, and he is all that I want

I want his stubborn attitude and cynical view of the world
His sheepish smile and his warm embrace

A kiss on a quiet evening as I drift into the eternal realm of dreams and dragons
He is my world
My fogged glass

And as the fog grows heavier
My awakened dreams grow obsolete

I'm at a crossroads

-that awkward in between

-that where am I going,

because I sure as Hell don't want to be here

I'm at that no man's land of life

looking around for an exit or an answer

Something to pull me out of this rut

or even just around it

I'm at a red light that just won't turn green

and as much as I want to blow through

and take the repercussions if I'm caught,

it doesn't seem worth it in the end

Maybe I'm just comfortable sitting in this 

awkward in between

this

where do I go from here?

Is it worth stepping forward

if there's a risk of falling back?

I'm at a 

let's run away together and forget about the real world

let's live in a tree house and live as children of the Earth

Fuck society,

Fuck the real world

I want to hide away and live as the innocent child 

kept locked up in the back of my mind

But even if I could manage to escape,

what company would I have?

You would never come with me

to see all that there is out in the life of fantasy

it's just too unrealistic

I'm unattached to reality

I'm at a crossroads

lost in uncertainty

The Long Walk Home

Hand in yours,
I walk quietly.

The sun in my eyes,
Packed dirt below my bare feet,
my throat closes with fear and uncertainty

Thoughts racing through the back of my mind
While the front holds back everything I never told you
And your grip loosens as you notice my fear

I never wanted to feel like this
I never wanted to tell you this

The Earth stands still
You stand still
And it's just me,
again,

As it is supposed to be.

I once told you forever
and I was trying to be as honest as I could
- but now I don't know

The wind is stopped
Light fragments as tangible as the leaf stuck in mid air
As the water molecules remnant in your exhale

I kiss you

Time starts once more
as the Earth begins to move under our feet
Your eyes grow wide
Then relax
and kiss back

My hand pushes you back,
Your arms hold me captive
Eyes promising me a tomorrow
While mine beg for an always

Lips lying about a yesterday
            Without you
I won't
           Forget you

I couldn't         No matter how much I tried

But I expect that you could, me

You close your eyes
and I am gone

A curious thought...
But it has led me to your doorstep;
Camera in one hand
Journal in the other

After snapping a picture of your face
as you opened the door,
I tell you that I now understand
and must show you

The calm breeze gently caressed your skin
lightly tossed your hair
As the sun glittered out from your eyes

You looked at me,
All but surprised
took my hand
and led me inside

We sat in your living room,
the sun peering in through your opened windows
Light filling the whole house
The smell of lilacs and wildflowers flowing in freely

Your hand reached out and touched my face
Steady and strong
you lifted my chin
Beautiful eyes looking back into mine

And in this moment
Our lips will meet

The journal will fall,
pages turning by gravity's will
as thoughts are sifted by
drawings as drawn and then erased by another moment
of another day

As we share this moment,
the final page reads,
"I am nothing without you."