Hallowed Ground

Fire
clawing into my eyes
tearing at my throat

My heart is nothing more
than an empty shell
awaiting the grand return
of who I once was.

Rain
pouring down from green-blue
salty pools
onto irritated and raw cheeks.

Lord,
I am begging you
to save me.

To tell me that it is okay
to fall apart.

All I see are these faces
of those who don't understand
staring at me
with persecuting eyes
coarse whispers
and soulless hearts.

I can feel myself changing
I am no longer the girl I once was

In my dreams
she is there
looking at me through windows
leaving messages on little scraps of paper
strewn about for no particular reason

In my dreams
she tells me
that nothing will ever be the same.

I'm back at square one.

Weak knees
Bleeding heart
Then
Nothing
Just a hollow grief
plunged deep
unable to show itself to anyone
but myself

All I am
is broken
bleeding out
onto hallowed ground.

The End For a Small Price

There is so much left to learn
about this world
other worlds
Heaven
and ourselves

Is it only in your dying breath
that it is all exposed to you
so brilliantly

A light
that you walk towards
knowing it is good
Knowing
that it is now your time

But time for what?

The end
or the beginning

The starting line
or the mere finish?

It is as if all of this time
were nothing
if not wasted
on the small things
on everything but keeping ourselves alive

How selfish.

I would give up my life
a million times over
just to save the ones I love
and yet it would never be enough
to show how much my heart
beats for them
All of them.

Sometimes
I look back on my life
wondering if this journey has all been worth it
All those moments of pain
Anguish
A hurt in your heart that you can't seem to bandage up

Given up for a grander cause

For a hope at a better life
For a hope that after this darkness
there will be a light
so beautiful
and bright
that we will know to walk towards it
Run towards it
Forgetting all of the past
Only to think of the perfection
that lay beyond

Not worrying if it is just a story
We tell ourselves at night
to make the nightmares go away.

To make the shadows stop moving
and to ease the sharp pain
where your heart should be
It seems you lost it a long while ago 
though

It is the prayer we make in a dream
telling ourselves
this can't be real
this can't be real
fighting to wake up
screaming with the last of your breath
while your demons hold your eyes closed
and rips their nails through your skin

There is so much left to learn in this world

Are we chosen when it has been decided
that we know too much
or have a plan much too grand for this unholy place.

All these places of worship
put to test our faith
to test how much we're willing to buy into
something better than here and now
and what if this is Hell?

My heart aches
and trembles
wondering why anyone be so cruel
as to put us through this torture.

But if you're reading these
and you've asked yourself
"What does she mean?"

It is quite simple.

I love you,
and wish it didn't have to end this way.

Letter

Dear Andrew,

So here I am again,
Looking at your pictures
wondering how we could have denied this
all along.

The universe works in a mysterious way,
And don't get me started on God.

You showed me a beautiful light
Your death
came so suddenly
that I collapsed when
Sean broke the news.

I still have those queasy,
uneasy moments
when out of no where
I lose my balance
and am back to square one.

Your life was beautiful
in some sick, twisted way.

Some days
I go through my phone
looking at your number
debating if I should call you
just to hear your voice again.

Dear Andrew,
There has not been an easy day
since you left.

Some nights,
I lay here.
And think.
And think.
And think.
Until my heart stops.
My eyes cringe.
And tears lull me to sleep.

You know what's hard?

No one understanding.

And what is worse?

The voice in my head telling me
that no one will ever understand.

My life
is a cracked glass house.
One wrong gust of wind
and I will shatter again.

Dear Andrew,

You showed me how beautiful
each day is.
You showed me Heaven,
and love,
forgiveness
and the pain of grief.
All gifts equal in value.

You gave me hope
that one day
we shall meet again.

That one day
I will wake up
and it will all be a dream.

That we are young,
and you are here
with me.

God,
I would do anything to get you back
to fix what has been broken.

But what has been done
cannot be undone.

And maybe it is better that way.
Maybe you fixed us
by breaking yourself.

Dear Andrew,

I miss you.
I will see you when I get home.

Love,
Kirsten

Shattered

Follow me down, down into a hole in the ground. I

 dug it just for you, exactly how you wanted me to. 

 It's been over a year. 

 The snow isn't what brought us to tears. 

 The ambulance came way too late, 

 And they lied to your face. 

 I'm calling to see how things are there. 

 I want you to know how much I care. 

 I wish I could take away your pain. 

 I fear I come home to see your grave. 

 Mother, please don't cry. 

 I'm states away and begging to die. 

 I left you all alone. 

 I'm scared every time I come home. 

 We made it through the mess. 

 The doctor said they're doing the best. 

 Their best just wasn't enough, and we cried all through the month. 

 I'm calling to see how things are there.

 I want you to know how much I care. 

 I wish I could take away your pain. 

 I fear I come home to see your grave.

The truth is that despite how I appear on the outside,

I am still in pieces.

Shattered.

There are days when I wish I could disappear.

But how do you admit that to someone you love?

I did.

The look on his face when I told him

The fear in his voice.

I love you

but I'm scared

my days fade into nights

and the night seems eternal .

I am afraid of the truth.

Afraid to fall to pieces

for my wall to fall down

and you see 

me

The truth is

I am

Shattered.

"I am the ocean, I am the sea

There is a world inside of me."

The Truth About Depression

The truth about depression
is that it's more than just
feeling "sad"
it's more than simply
being in a "funk"
and you cannot
"snap out of it"

The truth about depression
is that it will eat you alive
if you let it.
It will keep keep you away
from those you love most
whisper to you as your eyes
begin to close
about every single wrong decision
that you have made
every regret
The guilt washing over you
like a waterfall

And you want to drown

You want to shrink into yourself
and disappear.

To hide in some dark hole
with a warm blanket
and forgot you even exist.

The truth,
the absolute truth about depression
is that you are alone.
No one will understand
the thoughts racing through your head
No one will see the pain
hidden in your eyes
and no one
can even begin to understand
how much
you don't want to be this way.

 I don't.  

William Styron, author, writes about the pain of depression, "That the word 'indescribable' should present itself is not fortuitous, since it has to be emphasized that if the pain were readily describable most of the countless sufferers from this ancient affliction would have been able to confidently depict for their friends and loved ones (even their physicians) some of the actual dimensions of their torment, and perhaps elicit a comprehension that has been generally lacking; such incomprehension has usually been not due to a failure of sympathy but to a basic inability of healthy people to imagine a form of torment so alien to everyday experience."