Dear Andrew,

The world just feels so empty without you.

I went sometimes months at a time without hearing from you, but you were always there.  I knew you were there and that was enough.  We all worried, but the inevitable seemed impossible.

Everyday is different.  Every day is a challenge, but I'd be damned if I didn't admit that it's still my gift from God to start over new.

Some days it feels like the hole in my heart is healing, but right now, I think it's simply bleeding out slowly.

I miss you.  Your red hair that seemed to shine brighter than the sun.  How your laugh could lift the spirit in any room.  You never knew what you had planned, but that was all part of your plan.  And how you were there for so many people.  You were so selfless.

But no one is perfect,
and I suppose that's why I'm mourning rather than sitting, laughing with you while you're visiting.  You can't visit anymore.  There's no more "See you later."  No more "Bye, love you."

I can't believe that was the one time I forgot to say it, and the last time I spoke to you.

It's as though the universe was trying to tell me something
but I ignored the warnings and continued on like there was nothing wrong.

Some days I feel like I'm drowning.
Like I've taken in too much water and it's only a matter of time before I sink below the surface.
Damn,
My poker face has gotten better.  Most people don't even ask about it anymore.
By it, I mean you.

Everyone else can move on.  I don't want to. As soon as I do, that means this is real.  I don't want it to be.
I don't want to lose my big brother.  Who'd steal soup for me.  Who'd make up a story to cheer me up.  Who'd make future plans with me, even if we weren't sure if they'd even pan out.

You're not gone though.  One day I will find you.

When I feel that I am not alone, I will turn and you'll be by my side.  We'll laugh because I'll have known it was true all along.  The hole in my heart will have been mended.

To forgive doesn't mean to forget.  It means to understand, and continue living.  I can forgive everything, but this.  I guess I'll just need some time.

I love you.

Love,
Boo

To Feel Safe

At night,
when I lie with you
I feel so safe.

Like nothing in this world would ever hurt me
Could ever hurt me.

As if...
In this moment,
I am invincible
because you
are my savior

You are the one
who has pulled me
from the darkness
and lifted me
towards the light

Who has fought my demons
Bandaged my wounds
and
Set me free

If I could love you more
You would be God himself
You are my blessing in disguise

You are my God.

Today was a beautiful day.

It was a happy day.

And even though the thought of you 

looms in the back of my mind

today was a day

that I could smile and it feel genuine. 

I love my life.

I love my family.

I love my friends.

I love you

and even though you're gone

You're with me every day.

Sometimes the hole

that you left in my heart

hurts more 

than others

But I know 

That one day it will heal over

and all that will be left

is a scar

to remind me

that there will be better days

The Beginning

There are times when I am ready to feel strong.

Not like I'm being beaten down by this grief.

But being held up by the belief

that one day I will indeed

see you again

That I will escape from this world

unbound

and free.

Tell me, brother...

is Heaven all that it's chalked up to be?

I imagine it is.

There are times when I feel so distraught and sad

lonely

weak 

and tired

And so 

I cry.

For what feels like forever

until I know that no matter how much more I cry

it will not change a damn thing.

I'm reminded that I'm not alone in this grief

by the midnight phone call

listening to him sobbing 

saying how much he misses you.

What do I tell them?

If I'm not strong, what will they be

if they're already crumbling?

I'm strong enough to know this is not the end

but indeed

a strange

and lonesome

beginning 

No Such Thing As Goodbye

Is it worth the pain
to grow up?

I'm tired of living like this.

Pretending that I'm fine
when every day is a struggle
to just get out of bed.

Every day I contemplate
how easy it would be
to just take a couple extra sleeping pills
and never worry about
waking up again.

Alas,
it's only a thought.
Never to come to fruition.



I wish you didn't have to leave like this.

I wish I could have said goodbye.

Pain

The flesh is dead now
Time to peel it away
and let new skin grow.

Each day will bring pain
whether or not
the wound is cared for
healing brings pain
as does infection.

It will burn regardless

Whether is spreads and consumes you
or begins to rebuild,
the wound shrinking each day
scabbing over
itching
until it is nothing more than a scar

It won't ever be forgotten.

No matter which path is taken
there will always be pain

Consume it
or let it consume you.

More restless nights

The crickets sing tonight

with the frogs

and the toads

Their nightly opera 

pleases me 

while this insomnia 

rocks me gently 

into a delusional state

There are times when I feel as though I could sleep

forever.

But at night

I could never.

My kitten's quiet breathing 

is almost enough to convince me

that I'm ready to close my eyes

and take a rest.

It's not enough.

It will never be enough.

Sometimes

I close my eyes

and

I dream.

About you.

About us.

How we used to be.

God,

I miss you so much.

I dream of Mom and Dad crying.

Most of my dreams are nightmares these days

you see?

Tornadoes

Ghosts

Demons

If nothing, then simply

Fear

It all haunts me.

I'm waiting for a sign

from someone

you

I'm waiting for God to speak to me and say

"Your time will come, too."

I feel abandoned.

Mostly hopeless.

As though I'll be damned before I am dead.

I pray at night

asking

no

begging for forgiveness

I cannot live my life like this.

Not sleeping.

Hardly breathing.

Begging for a reason to make it through tomorrow.

There is no one who understands where I am at.

No one has lost what I have.

No one has lived this life.

And I ask myself often,

"What did I do to deserve this?"

God is tormenting me.

His greatest of all tests I failed

because I couldn't forgive in time

You have a sick sense of humor.

Let me sleep.

Let me be in peace.