Dear God,

I don't understand why this would happen.  Why you would let this happen.  Don't you know how much I love him?  How much we all love him?  How much my parents are grieving and no one can take that pain away?

I am so lost, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be found.

People express their condolences but you're the only one who should be apologizing and explaining yourself. You don't just do this to a family.  You've ripped all of our hearts out, and then shoved them back in the wrong way, and forgot to sew us up the right way.

The infection is eating away at me and I don't even feel right to eat.
I look at my parents and know exactly what they feel.
I know the guilt that they shouldn't be feeling.
I know the disbelief and hope that it's all just a dream.

If only that were true... that this were just a sick dream.

I've asked you for a sign that he's passed and is with you but all I've had are restless nights and more nightmares to add to my waking one.

I have so many questions, God.  Is he okay?  Did he conquer his demons?  Is he up there with Amber and Alaska, and his friends that have  passed?  Is he with Jennifer and Jimmy?  Please take care of him.  Tell him how much I miss him.

Bring peace to my parents.  The pain hurts so much I can't even cry.

Dear God,

If you're out there... send me a sign.

Love,
me.

The Good Times are Killing Me

Going to miss you everyday.

Your voice.
Your smell.
Your laugh.
Everything about you.

Looking through the pictures today killed me.
My heart feels frozen and stuck on the same beat.

It's so stupid but I keep hoping, and praying that at the wake you're just going to sit up,
look at us with that quirky look, laugh, then say "Haha!  Gotya!"

I know that's not going to happen.  But, damn, I wish it would.  We all wish it would.

When I took a shower this morning, all of your stuff was in there... and it smelled just like you.

"The good times are killing me"

I keep looking through some of the music we used to listen to.  It feels like you're talking to me through it.  I know you're not.  But god damn I miss you so much.  It's only been three days.  I've missed you each and every one.  I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life.  There's no words that can make this any better.

Memories make it worse.

These last couple of years have sucked.  In and out of jail.  Staying up at night, worrying about you.  Whenever you called, I'd answer.  I'd pick you up from anywhere.  At any time.

The places that I found you... the things I would find you with... and the stories that you would bring with you.  I got to a point where I thought you were invincible.  You were invincible until the very last moment.  Until that very last breath.

I can't accept that it was your last.  Don't want to think it was your last.

I don't want to cry anymore.  When people are around, I can put on a smile and tell a joke.  Inside, I'm dying.  There's a deep hole in my chest that will never be filled.

You said you were going to visit.  You promised.  I was going to pay for you to visit.

Hell, I was going to be home in two weeks.  Two god damn weeks.  Why did this have to happen?  Why did you have to do this?  If you were bored or lonely, you should've called me.  I would have been there if you needed me.  But now I'm here, and you're gone.  And you're never come back.  Never.

I had just figured my mind out, my life out.  For everything that you had done and said, I had told you that I had forgiven you.

At my wedding, when we danced I told you to take care of yourself because if you weren't careful, something bad was going to happen.  You looked so happy in that picture from Sweet Frog.  I couldn't wait to go there with you while I was home.

I'm going to be waiting for you to visit for the rest of my life.

Just wish it wasn't going to be such a long wait.

I don't care what you did.  I'm always going to love you.  Always.

Let Him Rest

This morning I woke up,
the first full night of sleep in what feels like forever.

I closed my eyes,
and then
I was paralyzed.

A grey shadow at the doorway,
a black one behind.

I keep hearing her laughing
She's tormenting me.

I try to call for my mom
but no voice comes out.
I try to move
but I'm stuck in one spot

He's here and I can feel it.
He wants to move on.

Just let him rest
Let him continue on.
It's over.
And as much as I don't want to,
We've got to move on

My Head Hurts

It feels like these days take forever to go by.

I keep telling myself, 

this can't be real.

This shouldn't be real.

And where's the bitch who did this?

I'm so angry

because I want answers

The truth.

I want to close my eyes,

and open them to it being Thursday morning.

I'll book the first flight home

And be there by nightfall.

When she shows up,

I'll ask her,

"Where's his laptop that you were supposed to bring?"

Then when she says she forgot it,

I'll say,

"Don't come back 'til you have it, 

and when you do, 

give it to me, then leave."

I'll tell my whole family to be home,

to surround him with love

and just be there.

But the fact that this is reality, isn't sitting too well in my stomach.

When I showered this morning,

all his stuff was in there.

It smelled like him.

I wish I could pull him in for one last hug.

It would smell like him. 

Feel like him.

No hug will ever feel the same.

When I spoke to him,

I always looked him in the eye

and he looked back

because we were straight with each other

 I knew when he told a lie.

Ugh.

 

I don't want to talk in past tense.  It makes it sound so certain.  I keep praying that at the viewing, he'll wake up.

It's crazy. 

maybe I'm going slightly insane.

But nothing is more crazy, nor more insane, 

than losing what wasn't already lost.  

What Dreams May Come

There's a man Andrew never got to meet;
the man he was growing up to be.

When I close my eyes,
I can see him.
Broad shoulders.
Bright eyes.
The damn smirk on his face.

He's a happy going guy, who can put anyone's restlessness to ease.  The type of guy people love to be around because he can relate to everyone.  He has character, that's for sure.  Love, loyalty, and a sense of humor that will leave you smiling at just the thought of him.  Those are things you can't fake.

He's thirty-five years old with a couple of children, and a wife whom he adores.  He's a real family man, like his father.  And just like his father, he would do anything for a friend.

You'd be amazed by how much he achieved, and his remaining long list of dreams.

He's the best man that he'll never meet.
The best man that none of us will ever meet.

My heart bleeds for you.
For all of you.
For my parents,
my brothers,
my grandparents,
my aunts and uncles,
our close friends.
For you.
For losing you.

Sleepless Night #1

There's a pain in my chest that isn't going away.

It's been raining since Friday.  

Sean's birthday was Saturday.

Today, Sunday, I fly home.

Tornado watches and weather warnings are flooding the news.

As we drove to the airport, the rain fell heavier than we've ever seen.  Lightning flashes blinded us, and there were points when I had simply accepted doom.  

No pressure, but now I really have to outlive my parents.  If something happens now, I fear for the worst.  

I just can't take the sound of my parents crying on the phone.  Trying to reason with themselves as to why something like this could have happened.  He was doing so well. 

I tried to hold it together for Sean's birthday but by the time night rolled around, I couldn't sleep.  When I tried, I was stabbed in the chest with the thought of how he's never coming back.  It feels so selfish to keep writing "I", but I can't speak for anyone else but myself.  

Sitting in this damn airport has only made the pain worse so far.  At this point though,  I'm almost surprised I made it through the night.  Sean kept telling me to relax and try to breathe.  If it weren't for the rest of my family, I would have stopped right when I heard the news. 

We're too young for this.  Too young to fully understand the consequences of our actions, but too old to still be involved in this sort of behavior.  

His friends keep trying to talk to me.  To find out details on the services, but they're the last people I care about right now.  Blood is thicker than water.  

This grieving literally hurts my heart.  

Sean tries to understand but he's still stuck at "You're brother just died."  His dad said at church they would pray.  And everyone else says, "I'm so sorry."  

I am too.  I am so sorry that I never called him back after my phone died.  I'm so sorry that I never said, "I love you." and "Goodbye."  

I'm so sorry that everyone thinks that saying sorry might do something somewhere in my heart and make things better.  

And lastly,

I'm so sorry that those dreams you dreamed, will never be achieved.