Beauty

I cannot help but ask you...

Do you see what I see?

A grey sky.

Slow pouring rain.
Watering the living green
trees as they wave in excitement
at the life source they so desperately need.

Lightning in the far off distance.
Not rolling in,
Waiting just far enough away
to let us know
Danger is on the horizon.

The wind is existent enough
to brush through the chimes.
Like a light in the darkness,
but rather a song of hope
during a desolate time.

A song of hope
to remind us
there is beauty
in even the darkest
of places.

As I drift into a new world

I wonder;

a last thought...

What things await me

in my darkest hour

Revival

Hush, child.

I know what you want.
Close your eyes.
It will all be over soon.
Close your beautiful eyes.
And trust
that it will all be over
so very soon.

Forget every hurt
Every regret
Misunderstanding
Heartache

Think of those moments
of sheer joy
affection and tender love
those fond memories
that you keep locked away
in the back of your mind
that you keep hidden for a rainy day
or at least,
that's what you tell yourself,
you haven't looked back on those
in a long, long while

Think of the moments
when you felt alive
when you felt that in that moment
that you could have died
and it would have meant
the world to you

Now open your eyes,
Child,
Awaken
For you have been
Revived.

Sleep

I can't sleep.

Or,
okay. I can.

If I call it insomnia
someone will tell me
that I'm uninformed
and with knowledge
I could fix myself.

You can't fix the guilt that keeps me up at night.
You can't fix the sadness that pours in like a flood
as soon as I'm alone in the dark.

And for all the praying that I've done
it doesn't change the fact
that I have my own regrets.

God,
or no god.

I have a past that I wish I could edit
take all the bad parts out
go back and say sorry
to everyone I hurt.

No,
I'm not a bad person.
But I can't help but feel that way
when I begin to close my eyes.

And when I do sleep,
I can't help but confront my demons
so I yell out in terror
and scream
some nights I cry.

I awake feeling even more tired than the night before.

I am not calling myself a victim,
nor am I trying to play that part.

But I am sad.
I do feel awfully alone.
And some nights I'm afraid to go to sleep
in fear of what I'll see behind closed eyes.

The truth of who I really am deep down
who I keep locked away.

Every good deed shattered
by each and every individual
poor choice,
wrong decision
misinterpreted word

So why don't I sleep soundly through the night?
I think you get the idea.

Innocence Lost (A snapshot in time)

And it was then that I realized what I hadn't for much too long.   He was dying long before I could even recognize what pain truly was.  The straight A student, shy and kind who suddenly came home angry late at night and would throw rocks at my window until I woke up to unlock the door for him.  The coming down from a high; the terror in his eyes.  How did I not see it before?

"At least he'll no longer be troubled by his demons."

Those demons killed the little boy he once was.  Childhood fear of growing up ate away at Peter Pan's heart until he escaped to Neverland.  What was it that led to the corruption of his once innocent soul?  What crept inside of his mind to torment him in his restless dreams?  That woke him in the dead of night with a bloodied nose, and teary eyes.  I'm sorry I didn't know how to save you.  

My peers talk about what they believe corrupts children, but they are too far detached.  I will tell you what corrupts them...

Fear. 

The monsters under the bed.  Ghosts in the forest. That in the darkness, demons lurk.

Slowly transforming into

The fear of not measuring up.  The fear of being shy in a class full of rambunctious children.  That the first impression may as well be your death sentence.  The fear of letting those who love you down. 

And then...

all those fears coming true.

Living in a nightmare.  Not knowing how to escape from no one but yourself.

And then,

Fearing who you turned into.

That is corruption my friends.  Corruption is being scared to make friends because if they knew who you really were, they would realize that you're a sick souled freak searching for something more than skin-deep acquaintances.  Just looking for someone who understands the pain that you can no longer escape.  Someone to share the burden of growing-up with.

Corruption is that sunk feeling in your chest, more specifically your heart, that you are doomed.  That shame lingering when in a room full of "saints" that you are incredibly naked.  The creeping thought that you would rather end it all here and now, because you can't take looking at yourself in the mirror.  You can't take the beauty of the world because you are not worthy.  

It is when you hide from those you love because you are ashamed of who you are.  

When you put on a mask of being fine just fine

when on the inside you are screaming that you want help.  

The fear of not being loved.  

It was then, sitting in a room full of acquaintances from church that I realized what I hadn't before.  And through my pain, I saw his own and asked myself, "How could I have been so blind?" 

Watching corruption, naturally leads to becoming corrupt.

And with my downfall, I should have realized his.

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

What No One Else Sees

I swallow hard
The dry lining of my throat
aches
with the rest of my body
as I stand
watching the rest of the world
move on.

Children laughing and playing
Friends talking and joking
The trees dancing in the wind
as the Earth continues
to rotate on her axis

The sun continues to rise
despite how often it sets.

But the empty feeling
in my chest
feels somewhat similar
to nausea
and dizziness

Anxious
that no one says a word
or worse
that someone does

The tears are just below the surface
and one word
will bring me over the edge.

You are not supposed to run
from yourself.
But each day
I throw that side of me
to the wayside
corner her
and tie her up
tell her to be quiet
and to leave me alone.

but
The shrieks break through the duct tape
more often than not

And I am left
listening to myself
looking at my mirror image
disappointed
by how I turned out.

Disappointed that I can't keep it together

I don't want you to understand
but more than anything else in the world
I do.

Someone who feels the pain
that burns
slowly
on the inside
while holding up a mask
on the outside
as if the pain is nothing
and each day
truly is a blessing.

I write words of hope
but I can hardly believe them
myself

Maybe
 if I say I do
for long enough
perhaps I will.

Perhaps we can overcome.

I  have cried
for much too long.

Hope

Yesterday is over.
And strange as it sounds
there is still hope for us
to continue on
no matter how deep
the pain is buried
in your sewn up chest

No matter how dark the day is
before the sun rises-
The sun will always rise
and welcome you
into a new day

No matter your suffering...
there is hope, Friend.
There is a tomorrow
that we must live for.

I speak the words
that my generation
is too afraid to utter

That there is something more
than these white walls,
rubbed red eyes
and black clothes

More than a small
two star town (at best)
and a torn high school degree

There is a hope
that one day
we will get out of here
escape beyond these crowding walls

Do you feel the days bearing down on you?
Wearing down your weakened bones
and your world caving in?

Do not give up.
There is the hope
that tomorrow will bring you peace
and if not tomorrow
than the day after.

My Dearest Friend,
You cannot give up so easily.
Do you not see the pain
in your mother's smile?
The ache in your father's words?
The worry
in your truest friend's eyes.


God,
What has happened to us?
Where is the hope that
once filled our innocent souls?

But if there is not a hope
for a better tomorrow-
No.
You must hope for it
You must defeat your demons
You must rise up
and live

These days have dragged on
But there is no time to give up.

Yesterday is over
And as hard as it is to believe
the pain that burns
in the deepest depths of your chest
Will not kill you today.

I shant allow it
Not today
Not ever.
For I am with you.
Step by step
ache to ache

Your suffering 
will not be in vain.

Today will be a beautiful day.
You are alive.

All you must do
is 
Breathe