I'm trying to gather the words to explain it.

How I feel.

Or

What I'm trying to say to you at the very least.

I don't know why you had to leave like this

Why you had to go.

I miss you already.

Still telling myself this can't be so.

You were the brother I always looked up to

in a weird,

don't do that sort of way.

But I did what you asked of me,

so why couldn't you have done what I asked of you?

Why couldn't you have saved yourself?

You wouldn't let anyone else.

This bad dream still isn't over.

My Heart Physically Hurts

No words are going to ever make it better.
I keep thinking about what I could have done to fix you.
To save you.
I hate feeling like this.

I hate feeling like had I just kept Loopy
he would've been okay.

Like had I paid more attention to him
than Sean

That he would've realized how much I cared.
But I was healing,
and now that the past wound
has been stitched up
and has healed

My heart has been torn open

I don't even know which doctor to see for that
or which way I should look to find "up"

I wish I could sleep,
and when I do,
that I could dream of you.

I miss you.
I miss our talks
I miss sticking up for you
when you didn't even want me to

It shouldn't take a funeral
to slap me back into the reality
that I've been living a selfish life

I want to feel bad for myself
I really do.

But then I remember all of the times you chose to leave
Why would you do that?
How could you leave me so many times
after all the hurt we both felt?

Not a day has gone by without you here in my mind.

And can you tell me
On Earth are we all just blind?
Is Heaven as it sounds?
Pure, and divine?

We had our laughs together,
but that's all they'll ever be now.
No next times
or "maybe later"s
Just a fading memory.

Just wish I were home.
That we could have started our life over.
You shouldn't have left us.
Couldn't have left us.

The good times are killing me.  

I lost my brother.
I cannot sleep.
And even home
doesn't feel quite like home
At least not right now.

My heart still aches.
My body has chills.
I miss you dearly.
Each day longer than the last.

Breathe a breath that fills you
Breathe a breath that awakens you.

I wish I could figure this out.

A Lost Poem

I was looking in the basement through Andrew's stuff, then found my English Journal and decided to read through it and found this.

Stars stand deep within the dark night sky
          I never knew you like I wish I had
And maybe it's true that we all at some point
Just fade out as time passes us by

Maybe it's not

The sound of silence is all that speaks in our mourning hours
As the heavy feeling of losing what you love
Creeps its way into the holes of your broken heart

This track has played once before
            With the quiet, melancholy rhythm
That tries to take the pain away
And mend the tears of your splitting sanity

Last hopes and dreams
Falling through the cracks
Like simple words on white paper being ripped apart
And thrown to the air
Like snow on All Hallow's Eve

Disheartening,
Unfair,
I'm a prisoner to this utter loss of words.
If only these moments
           We could ever share

Waking up this morning took more strength than it should have.
By the time I opened my eyes,
nausea set in quickly.

You're gone.
Not just gone to a friends house,
and you'll call me when you need me.

You're gone and no phone call can reach you
No email or text you will respond to
No amount of prayer will make you answer.

My faith
is somewhere out there.
I wish I knew where.

The wind chimes are singing
No wind to be seen,
nor felt.

I can't help but think you're talking to me.

I'm hallucinating.
But I know you're here.

I'm sad
but I'm alive

I'm grieving
but I can still find the strength to breath

I'm lonely
but I surround myself with others

I miss you
but I said my goodbyes.

I love you
but you're gone.

That's all we are.

To many of you, I've come off as cool, calm, and collected.  Sarcastic and perhaps uncaring.  And everyone keeps telling me it's okay to cry and that I don't need to be strong for anyone.

I understand those words, but my body isn't reacting quite yet.  You have to understand the weight that I have sitting in my chest.  I've never felt so... surrounded by people but alone.  Everyone else is crying, and I want to take that pain away.  I'm hurt, and I'm grieving, but I care more about all of you than myself.

I love Andrew so much.  Today, we drove by Buffalo Wild Wings and was hit by the realization that I had promised to take Andrew there in the winter.  But everything was hectic; I was so stressed and he helped me pick out the tuxes that the guys wore to the wedding.  I was tired, and I was broke.  We never went.

I can't help but wonder... were you upset that we didn't go?  Did you care?  Did you look back and wish we went?  I look back and wish we did.

The other day we went to Macy's so Josh could get a suit.  The last time I had been in Macy's was with Andrew and he was talking about getting a new suit for the wedding.  You loved your dress coats.  But you wanted the full suit.  They were on sale too.  I wish I had the money to buy you one.  I would have in a heart beat.

I couldn't stand in there while Josh looked.  I could just remember his conversation with the sales associate about how much he loves suits and how he had used to work there and all that.

My heart is on the ground.
It's not bleeding.  Not anymore.
I'm pretty sure it stopped.
I feel like I've been holding my breath since Friday.

I want him back.  So bad.  I kept looking at him, hoping he'd just wake up.  I got used to how he looked lying in that casket.  I didn't like it, but it was better than nothing.  When we came back to pick up the flowers and gifts, there was an old woman in there instead.  Michael ran up to her before I could tell him to stop.  He was touching her hair, asking her where Andrew was.  Asking how she died.

This morning we had to tell Michael that he needed a coat on to go outside, along with shoes.  Told him he'd get sick.  Then he asked, "And I'll die?"

No.  You won't die from that sort of sickness.

-

I miss when we'd play on the beach.  I remember a few summers ago when we took a family vacation up to Salisbury Beach for the fourth of July.  You and Jen were together then.  I remember when we all took a walk down the road together.  Jen was talking about the mission trip she took.  I remember on that night we all sat out on the beach for a while.  You had convinced mom to do a shot with you.  Then me, you, and Jen stayed up for hours after mom and dad went to bed and we just talked.

Things were different back then.

You were trying to stay clean.  You were even trying to stop smoking.

My heart hurts.

You and Jen were telling me all these different stories and about how I can never do drugs.  And you kept asking me if I wanted to do a shot and Jen kept saying "No Andrew!" Wish I took that shot with you.  It would have been my first but at least it would have been with you.

I remember last Christmas in Vero when you bought me Twisted Tea and Mike's.  When you did a Whiskey shot with Josh, and he puked everywhere.  And how Josh was philosophizing to us as we walked down the beach.  Telling us to "look at the star, THAT STAR.  That's all we are."

That is all we are.  Mere specs compared to everything and everyone else.  But it's better to be a spec among others, than to be a spec alone.

And I know I'm not alone.  But it sure feels like it right now.

I just want to sleep.
But I can't.

I miss you so much.
This pain is killing me.

The good times are killing me.