Random thoughts

I like songs about drifters - books about the same. 
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane. 
Walked on off to another spot. 
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want. 
Did I want love? Did I need to know? 
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

- World at Large by Modest Mouse

Haven't done any writing in a long time.  I guess I should. The more I think about everything, the more real it seems.  I just want to stop thinking.  When did we grow up?  And why are we exactly the same?  Perhaps I'm not ready.... what will happen to me then? To us?  I always push people away before they know me.  Everyone except you.  I wish I could close my eyes and it was like none of this happened.  What would I be then?  Who would I have become?

I'm not suicidal, all that I want is to disappear.  And then I'll know what comes in the afterlife.  Then I'll know if there's a god, or if there's just darkness.  The perpetual darkness creeping into my eye sockets as the light fades from them.  Or what if it comes as a rebirth, and it all starts over?  If I could relive my life with you, I would every time.  What if as soon as the black fills your vision, a bursting bright light of new life consumes you?  That's what I hope for.  Heaven sounds too exacting.  Not everyone can go.  I love you too much to have eternity in paradise without you.  

I haven't felt so alone in a long time.  It's not that I'm lonely, it's that the days are hallow with monotony and repetition.  I've come to the painful realization that my childhood will soon be left behind. All my past friends have moved on, as I have, I suppose.  It hurts.  To breathe and feel the reality sinking in.  I guess that's what therapy is for.

For telling myself that the past will simply disappear if I allow it to.  I'm not ready to move on.  Not quite yet.  My mind won't let me.  I am a prisoner to myself.  The dreams keep coming, and the fear is as fresh as if the wound were just inflicted.  It won't stop bleeding.  But if I close my eyes, one day the pain will simply fade away.  I can only hope.  I can only pray that one day this fear will disappear.  

She asks me what I dream about, and I tell her honestly... they're about running away from the fear, feeling the pain stab into me like a knife in my chest, they're about death, dying, and ghosts that haunt me.  Sometimes they're not so dreadful though, sometimes they're about love, joy, and the sunshine falling down upon my freckled face.  They're always about you.  Sometimes they're about losing you.  Sometimes they're about being with you.  Sometimes I only see your face for an instant and then you're gone.  

How does this happen?  When did I wake up in love with you?  I don't know.  Sometimes I wish that I never met you.  You would be better off, that's for sure.  But I love you so much, and I know that you love me.  And that's all that I could ever ask for.  

I'll do what I have to
if it gets me closer to where you are

Each day seems longer than the last
Each night as restless as the one before
but maybe if I just close my eyes
it'll all go away

I miss you
but maybe if I just close my eyes
You will fade away

It's been a long time since I  last wrote with any heart.

It's been a long, long time
and I don't want to feel like this ever again.

Alone
I sleep here tonight
In the arms of an angel
whom I don't know the name

Closed eyes
and I still can see
myself sinking deeper into the darkness

He's holding my hand tight, and firm
with a strength that seems unbeatable
but I'm dead weight

I am nothing.
Not anymore.

I miss you

Midnight:

Strange noises emerge from the woods outside my window, either that, or it's just the sound of the highway that's not too far off.  I'm tired of studying, and am using any distraction I can to keep me from looking back into that damned book.  So much of a future rides on this test... I cannot afford to fail.  But then again, I also cannot afford to die of misery.
Chinese food is sitting in my throat, waiting to escape at the next burp.  How do I manage this while being exhausted? I crack open an energy drink.  What am I currently running on? A Sprite, two coffees, plenty of water, and now this.

-I'm still tired-

Taking a brief look at the study guide, I shudder.  What is this?  Have we even gone over any of this yet?  Well, no shit we have.  Maybe if you paid better attention in class, we wouldn't be awake right now.  We could be quietly sleeping, enjoying the late night hours.  Or, you could be cuddling with your boyfriend with the hopes of falling fast asleep in his arms.

-I never noticed the shine these walls give off at this hour; it's quite nice.  Calming if you will-

Electronegativifuckthis and fuck me.  I think I'll just take a nap right here on page 149...

Letter

Dear Aunt Pam and Uncle Jim,

Not everyday is sunny, but you already knew that.
Some days, it feels like if it rains hard enough,
we might just drown.  And some days, we're okay with that.

But other days,
the sun shines so beautifully down on us that it's nearly impossible to tear away our gaze.
It's as though heaven is right here on Earth, and if we believe enough
we can see all whom we've loved and lost.

Perhaps it's just God toying with us, to give us something to look forward to at the end of our days.
So we can long for something outside of this realm.

I can only imagine.
Only hope
                that one day, after all is said and all is done, we will meet on the other side.
Fresh and new, blessed in God's glory and grace.

And even when your hope does stray, do not forget the beauty of this world.  How the first Spring rain washes the world clean.  And how the trees whisper in the warm summer breeze.  Autumns bright colors as nature's grand finale before a desolate cold approaches.  And lastly, don't forget the first snow fall and how each time you listen in the dead of winter, you hear not silence, but peace.  A stillness that calms.  How the laughter of children playing in the yard will echo through your ears and mind years after they're gone.

Not every day will be sunny,
nor will every day be warm, inviting, nor swell.

But every day is a gift
that you have survived through another sleepless night
that you have put yesterday behind you
and faced today, despite your fears

That you swallowed your grief,
put your nose to the grindstone
and made it through once again.

And while you may feel broken, or bruised
tired, twisted, and confused
by God's plan

Know that you have survived

Against all odds,
you continue to climb branches of God's tree.
Despite the hardships,
You know that one day you will be free

But I want you to know something, more important than the rain,
or the sun,
the pain, and the joy.

I want you to know
that no matter the darkness of the sky
you shine a light that has led me here
no matter how strong the wind blows
you whisper words that have told me to push on
and that no matter how high the waves have risen up,
threatening to swallow us,
dragging us into a deep oblivion
You held my head above the waves,

But hold your breath
or you will fail to see
how his love spreads outwards toward infinity

And know,
forever, and for now
just how much it is
that you mean
to me

I want to say something
but I can't

Looking at my watch,
It is as if I am in a hurry of some sort
but let's be honest

-It's 11:40 at night
I have no where to go

Too young for the bars
Too hung over for anymore alcohol
Too strung out for anymore of whatever the doctor gave me

I can't sleep
but I know you are

You face still
body restless

I miss you every minute of everyday
(even when you're here with me)

It's as if you're already gone
and GOD I know that you're not
but if I accept the inevitable now,
I won't have to deal with it later

It's almost a win-win
But I'm still losing
You.
~
I count the stars in the night sky
hoping that one of them will pop out at me,
exposing some sort of miracle,
a kind of miracle that I need
~
Dear Kirsten,

I've been watching you for a while now and can't help but to feel like you're giving up.  Never have I seen you so sad, so down on yourself.  And I can't help but to ask myself, "What is it that is wrong?"  You have everything and yet you give yourself nothing.

You look at him with a story already written in your head, and you know that's not how it's going to work out.  You want this to be some sort of fairy tale but you know that will never be what you hoped it to be.  I know what you want, and perhaps he does too.  He loves you.  How many times does he have to tell you?

We'll make it through this.

Eyes to the sky,
Toes hardly on the ground,
We'll make it through this.

Sincerely,
me

sleepy talk

He's so critical
    and analytical
that it is so dreadfully hard to not feel his eyes peering through
my soul

I was once a traveler
      I knew nothing of this land
I just knew

I knew that one day I would find the treasure
in the land of untamed wilderness
Where the birds screech loudly with the monkeys
and the forest is a grassy green, unmatchable to anything around these parts
              The water will be a clear blue
It would have been perfect

But his eyes,
they crystallize those dreams
and bring them down to Earth

But his voice
so sweet and rich as if with wine
sings to me as I drift into my eternal sleep

I think of the moments that we have left together
so few
but so many

It feels as though a lifetime could pass and it would never be enough

You have only poured your heart out to me once
but I knew that you meant it

I once believed in fairy tales
and that Peter Pan would sweep me off my feet
but you are something else,
that I can say the least

You are handsome
Intolerable
Loving
Annoying
and the best moment that I will ever remember

Everyone knows that I cannot remember much
but when it comes to you,
I can and will remember everything
anything

I will memorize every love poem and story imaginable and act them all out to you
but I know that none would prove as fitting as ours

He is sleeping
I stare at him through fogged glass
my bare hand on his bare skin
digging deep into his being
inhaling and exhaling all that I can

I am not obsessed
I am
I am-
I am alive

I am human
and I take what I have, and he is all that I want

I want his stubborn attitude and cynical view of the world
His sheepish smile and his warm embrace

A kiss on a quiet evening as I drift into the eternal realm of dreams and dragons
He is my world
My fogged glass

And as the fog grows heavier
My awakened dreams grow obsolete