The Volunteer

I grasped at straws
looking for an answer
but nothing touched
toward
anything
that I wanted to say.

My soul felt empty.

The stress dreams
woke me
in the dead of night
as sweat drenched
through my thin
blankets
and
the stress of
life washed
over me
as if I am nothing
but a victim
to the universe's
pull toward
desolation.

But the difference
is that
I'm not a victim.
I'm a willing
volunteer.

As Twilight Fades

We sat down

and watched 

as the world

fell apart

around

us 

like snow

on a quiet day.

~

Did you know

the way

that 

the sun 

hits 

your eyes

makes 

this pain

almost

feel alright?

The 

way

you catch me

as my

chest 

collapses

under

the pressure 

of letting go

reminds me

that 

I am not

so vastly 

alone.  

~

But as twilight fades 

to night

the ghosts whisper 

the list

of the sins in which 

I must atone

I close my

eyes

breathe

and wish 

one last time

to just 

go home. 

Obliteration

The alcohol

burns

just slightly

as it slides

down 

my coarse 

throat.

I told myself

I wouldn't

let myself

get down 

here 

again

but

Peering 

through chipped ice

and shattered 

memories

It became

blatantly

apparent

that I need more

to fill 

this void.

Another

The alchemist 

goes to work

on her  piece

of art

Potions

and poisons

combined 

to cure 

my aching heart.

What is it

that you require?

Something

to tear me apart.

She nods sagely

and turns to 

complete the 

masterpiece

before 

she presents

to me 

a vial of  

my cure.

I sip it

and feel it

warm 

my cold body.

A sick smile

crosses my lips

A faint laugh

escapes my chest

One sip

and 

then 

two.

Another.
Help me

Another.

Please

Another.

Until I can't 

seem 

to 

rem

em

b

er 

Until the room

is spinning

out

of 

control

In 

the

chaos

finding

peace

Only 

momentarily

feeling

the pain

crashing

down

upon

my chest

Another.

Until 

my eye lids

fall heavily.

Until 

your name

is just

a blur

and nothing 

even matters.

Another.

Another.

Another.

Until nothing

fucking 

matters. 

We know
all too well
the destruction
that comes
when
we tear
each other apart

And you know 
I would never
purposely
let you down

This silence
is killing me.

We sat here once before
looking guiltily
down
at our blistered hands
Ashamed
of what we had done
and
we had vowed
that
nothing
like that would ever
happen again

But here we are.

And you just
will not
listen to me.

You do not
want to
and what can I do
but sit here
screaming through
the pouring rain
and ferocious wind
hoping
that you will
hear me. 

That you will look
and see
through the drops
of rain
falling
down
the
pain
in
my
eyes
and
remember
all
of the moments
we had
forced
ourselves
to say
goodbye
and
remember
the
promises
made
in
the
high
times
should
be kept
during
the low.

I never wanted things
to end this way.

But this storm
just brings
silence. 
And that silence
is deafening
to my aching
ears.

I want to scream
I want to scream
until my throat
has run dry
until my voice
cracks
and I can
taste blood
when I swallow
down
my hurting pride.

Instead
I go back to my old ways
holding myself tightly
feeling
each muscle tighten
in on itself
and try to
hide somewhere
within myself.

You know 
I would never
purposely
let you down.

This
silence
ties a noose
pops one too many pills
loads and aims the gun
right at my temple
holds the shaking razors to my wrists
slowly watches as I fade away

This silence
is
killing
me.

You turn to watch,
clench closed
your eyes.
And 
turn 
away. 

The night has closed
down on us
and
the day

the encroaching,
unpromising
day
creeps across
the dark
land
spreading
her menacing
fingers out
-murdering
our last moments
in our
drunken
stupor

in our restless
dreams

in our  nightly
fits of rage

The day
the hideous
insideous
destructive 
day
stealing
our
darkness
away.

Some days
we pretend that
everything
is alright
and that
time
has moved on.

But another year
has passed
by me
like sand
in
the hourglass
and
I am tormented
by a guilt
and the
nightmares
that
you
are never
coming
back.

- It  is
so easy
to feign
some semblance
of normalcy

-It is the
admission
that
our lives
are
so vastly
split
apart
with the loss
of you.

Home

Memories 

begin 

to 

fade

into a foggy

recollection

of

a time

or 

place.

To be open

and 

honest

I don't even 

remember 

what it took

for me

to 

get here.

The only peace I know

is the feeling

of his heartbeat 

as I rest my head

upon his chest

and the day 

fades to night.

-

The only peace I know

are the moments 

with family

in which 

we fall 

back into

our roles

and 

life

seems to go back 

to normal

the tape has been rewound 

The early mornings

on the road

The late nights

being tucked in

The stories read

The stories told

The scrapes

and the bruises

The loved

and the lost

I could go on 

forever.

The only peace 

I know

are the moments

in which 

I feel

like

I am 

back 

home.