Letter

Dear Andrew,

So here I am again,
Looking at your pictures
wondering how we could have denied this
all along.

The universe works in a mysterious way,
And don't get me started on God.

You showed me a beautiful light
Your death
came so suddenly
that I collapsed when
Sean broke the news.

I still have those queasy,
uneasy moments
when out of no where
I lose my balance
and am back to square one.

Your life was beautiful
in some sick, twisted way.

Some days
I go through my phone
looking at your number
debating if I should call you
just to hear your voice again.

Dear Andrew,
There has not been an easy day
since you left.

Some nights,
I lay here.
And think.
And think.
And think.
Until my heart stops.
My eyes cringe.
And tears lull me to sleep.

You know what's hard?

No one understanding.

And what is worse?

The voice in my head telling me
that no one will ever understand.

My life
is a cracked glass house.
One wrong gust of wind
and I will shatter again.

Dear Andrew,

You showed me how beautiful
each day is.
You showed me Heaven,
and love,
forgiveness
and the pain of grief.
All gifts equal in value.

You gave me hope
that one day
we shall meet again.

That one day
I will wake up
and it will all be a dream.

That we are young,
and you are here
with me.

God,
I would do anything to get you back
to fix what has been broken.

But what has been done
cannot be undone.

And maybe it is better that way.
Maybe you fixed us
by breaking yourself.

Dear Andrew,

I miss you.
I will see you when I get home.

Love,
Kirsten

Shattered

Follow me down, down into a hole in the ground. I

 dug it just for you, exactly how you wanted me to. 

 It's been over a year. 

 The snow isn't what brought us to tears. 

 The ambulance came way too late, 

 And they lied to your face. 

 I'm calling to see how things are there. 

 I want you to know how much I care. 

 I wish I could take away your pain. 

 I fear I come home to see your grave. 

 Mother, please don't cry. 

 I'm states away and begging to die. 

 I left you all alone. 

 I'm scared every time I come home. 

 We made it through the mess. 

 The doctor said they're doing the best. 

 Their best just wasn't enough, and we cried all through the month. 

 I'm calling to see how things are there.

 I want you to know how much I care. 

 I wish I could take away your pain. 

 I fear I come home to see your grave.

The truth is that despite how I appear on the outside,

I am still in pieces.

Shattered.

There are days when I wish I could disappear.

But how do you admit that to someone you love?

I did.

The look on his face when I told him

The fear in his voice.

I love you

but I'm scared

my days fade into nights

and the night seems eternal .

I am afraid of the truth.

Afraid to fall to pieces

for my wall to fall down

and you see 

me

The truth is

I am

Shattered.

"I am the ocean, I am the sea

There is a world inside of me."

The Truth About Depression

The truth about depression
is that it's more than just
feeling "sad"
it's more than simply
being in a "funk"
and you cannot
"snap out of it"

The truth about depression
is that it will eat you alive
if you let it.
It will keep keep you away
from those you love most
whisper to you as your eyes
begin to close
about every single wrong decision
that you have made
every regret
The guilt washing over you
like a waterfall

And you want to drown

You want to shrink into yourself
and disappear.

To hide in some dark hole
with a warm blanket
and forgot you even exist.

The truth,
the absolute truth about depression
is that you are alone.
No one will understand
the thoughts racing through your head
No one will see the pain
hidden in your eyes
and no one
can even begin to understand
how much
you don't want to be this way.

 I don't.  

William Styron, author, writes about the pain of depression, "That the word 'indescribable' should present itself is not fortuitous, since it has to be emphasized that if the pain were readily describable most of the countless sufferers from this ancient affliction would have been able to confidently depict for their friends and loved ones (even their physicians) some of the actual dimensions of their torment, and perhaps elicit a comprehension that has been generally lacking; such incomprehension has usually been not due to a failure of sympathy but to a basic inability of healthy people to imagine a form of torment so alien to everyday experience."

Sleepless Night #One too many

So many thoughts
rushing through my mind

I'm tired
I can't sleep
I miss you
I'm sad
I could really use a damn hug
and
what the hell
am I doing with my life

I just want to feel loved
so then why
do I feel so alone?

Standing Still

I keep reliving the moment

I found out

over 

and over again

Like a reoccurring dream

or rather,

nightmare.

My legs going limp

under the weight 

of my own body.  

My mind going blank

because the news

is too much to bear.

 "I never knew

that grief 

felt so much

like fear."

And I am terrified.

Scared half to death

that in your passing

my whole world

will crumble too.

Scared half to death

that the pain 

will be too much

for my parents 

that the guilt

of past regrets

will eat me alive

that the grief

will consume me

Because it's supposed to get easier with time

So why am I stuck 

standing still?

The Cold World

She sits

silent

watching

the leaves have all fallen

the snow has fallen too

She sits

staring 

out of her window

wondering 

thinking

remembering.

She sits

wrapped-up

cozy in her thick, 

flannel blanket.

Her world

is in a lull 

Not sure 

where she's going

from here

from anywhere.

Her future 

is uncertain 

Her past 

is a confusing blend

of the highest of highs

and the lowest of lows.

and just being alive

to see each day.

Her children

truly love her.

Her husband

adores her.

But still

she has a hole

in her heart.

An ache 

that pulls

at her soul.

She sits

looking

quietly 

out into the cold world.

Snow drifting down slowly

The world turned white.

The world sitting still

as she sits

and looks

quietly out the window.