Denial

I've finally admitted to myself that I'm still in denial.
That one day I'm going to pick up the phone
and hear your voice.

Can't believe-
Don't want to believe
that you're gone like this.

Everyday is harder than the last.
They say that it gets easier with time
I think they're full of shit.

Seeing you in a dream
isn't enough.

Crying for hours
makes me feel worse.

You're gone
and you're never
EVER
coming back

It's like I've been stabbed in the chest
and no one has the courage to pull the knife out yet.

I don't want to talk about it
but at the same time
I want to be heard.

Why did it have to be you?
I love you so much,
placed so much faith in you,
and now
you're gone.

Like you pulled a Houdini
and disappeared without a trace.

I said my goodbyes but I'm not done.
Not yet.

I'm still waiting for you to come home,
to visit me.
To just pick up the phone and call me.

This isn't right.

We had finally found ourselves
in this world of liars.

I can't help but feel
that you're not gone.
That you will find me
wake me up
and tell me
this was just a terrible nightmare

I would happily die now
if I knew it would bring me to you.

Dyed my hair today

While I was getting my hair dyed today, the dresser asked me,
"What made you choose red?"
I told her that the color was pretty and I didn't want to be too bright with anything else.
But the truth is this:

Red was Andrew's favorite color.
It always had been.
It was my favorite color.

It was my salute to Andrew,
one of my opportunities to say,
"I did this for you."

I'm at a weird point in my life where I'm not sure what I'm doing but
I may as well do it
because it's better than sitting around
doing nothing.

This was for you
and I can only hope
that you're looking down
smiling.

Suddenly our own mortality meant something... and that scared us nearly half to death.

The Sky is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson

“Grief is a house
where the chairs
have forgotten how to hold us
the mirrors how to reflect us
the walls how to contain us

Grief is a house that disappears
each time someone knocks at the door
or rings the bell
a house that blows into the air
at the slightest gust
that buries itself deep in the ground
while everyone is sleeping

Grief is a house where no on can protect you
where the younger sister
will grow older than the older one
where the doors
no longer let you in
or out”
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere

Midnight

There's a piece of my heart
missing
Completely gone.
Just an empty hole that sits
and waits
for you to come back home

When I close my eyes to dream
I expect to hear your voice.

When I open my eyes in the morning
I expect to wake up, and see you in the next room

No parent should have to bury their child
and no little sister should be left
picking up the pieces of your life
wondering how we got to this

Because even knowing the how,
doesn't explain the why.

Why you get to leave us
and we have to sit here in grief.

I would say that I'm "angry"
but I'm not
I'm just sad.

I talk to Sean
but he doesn't quite understand.
No one who hasn't lost a loved one
will ever understand.
And I pray that you never do.

To find comfort with those who have lost another,
isn't comforting.
We band together with a common denominator:
Death.

I want to take all of your pain away.
All of your suffering.
It hurts,
but I'd rather hurt alone,
than to share this pain together.

And that is what love is.
The selfless thought at midnight
that maybe
there could be a way
to make things right.

Life is moving on,
and I don't know if I'm ready yet
but it's a risk that I need to take.

I'm scared that I'll forget.
That one day I'll think of you and your face won't be the same
Your voice will have changed
and that at some point
you're just going to fade out.

The pictures help
but one day they'll all be gone too.

My heart has sunk into the deep recesses of my chest.

Reality has brought me down here,

It's been so long

and I'm not sure I can stand.