What Dreams May Come

There's a man Andrew never got to meet;
the man he was growing up to be.

When I close my eyes,
I can see him.
Broad shoulders.
Bright eyes.
The damn smirk on his face.

He's a happy going guy, who can put anyone's restlessness to ease.  The type of guy people love to be around because he can relate to everyone.  He has character, that's for sure.  Love, loyalty, and a sense of humor that will leave you smiling at just the thought of him.  Those are things you can't fake.

He's thirty-five years old with a couple of children, and a wife whom he adores.  He's a real family man, like his father.  And just like his father, he would do anything for a friend.

You'd be amazed by how much he achieved, and his remaining long list of dreams.

He's the best man that he'll never meet.
The best man that none of us will ever meet.

My heart bleeds for you.
For all of you.
For my parents,
my brothers,
my grandparents,
my aunts and uncles,
our close friends.
For you.
For losing you.

Sleepless Night #1

There's a pain in my chest that isn't going away.

It's been raining since Friday.  

Sean's birthday was Saturday.

Today, Sunday, I fly home.

Tornado watches and weather warnings are flooding the news.

As we drove to the airport, the rain fell heavier than we've ever seen.  Lightning flashes blinded us, and there were points when I had simply accepted doom.  

No pressure, but now I really have to outlive my parents.  If something happens now, I fear for the worst.  

I just can't take the sound of my parents crying on the phone.  Trying to reason with themselves as to why something like this could have happened.  He was doing so well. 

I tried to hold it together for Sean's birthday but by the time night rolled around, I couldn't sleep.  When I tried, I was stabbed in the chest with the thought of how he's never coming back.  It feels so selfish to keep writing "I", but I can't speak for anyone else but myself.  

Sitting in this damn airport has only made the pain worse so far.  At this point though,  I'm almost surprised I made it through the night.  Sean kept telling me to relax and try to breathe.  If it weren't for the rest of my family, I would have stopped right when I heard the news. 

We're too young for this.  Too young to fully understand the consequences of our actions, but too old to still be involved in this sort of behavior.  

His friends keep trying to talk to me.  To find out details on the services, but they're the last people I care about right now.  Blood is thicker than water.  

This grieving literally hurts my heart.  

Sean tries to understand but he's still stuck at "You're brother just died."  His dad said at church they would pray.  And everyone else says, "I'm so sorry."  

I am too.  I am so sorry that I never called him back after my phone died.  I'm so sorry that I never said, "I love you." and "Goodbye."  

I'm so sorry that everyone thinks that saying sorry might do something somewhere in my heart and make things better.  

And lastly,

I'm so sorry that those dreams you dreamed, will never be achieved.  

A Walk to Remember

No parent should have to bury their child.

After all the thoughts that have passed through my mind, this one stays in the same place and echoes in a deafening tone.

There are no words that can be said to make the pain go away.  Just memories to look back on, dreams to be remembered, and a gaping hole that no condolences can fill.

Friends will try to say that they understand.  No one understands.  No psychiatrist can rightfully explain why this happened.  No amount of time will make it hurt any less.

There are moments when it seems like a dream, and others when it feels like I've been sprayed in the eyes with a hose non-stop for three days, then left in the sun to burn.

My mind has been wandering back to our long walk down the beach in Florida a few Christmases ago.  How we walked for hours, and it didn't matter because we were just talking, catching up on each other's lives.

But what you said won't go away.

"Don't ever become like me.  Don't drink like me, don't do drugs like me.  Sometimes I'm fine, but these days I can't even sleep without taking something.  I've lost too many friends this way.  There's no way I'd be able to live with myself if you wound up like this"

God damn, Andrew.  We walked for hours.  We were lost on the beach, and then in those neighborhoods, and yet, we kept talking.  We didn't give a shit about what time it was, or where we were.  That was the most we had talked in a while, and you always knew how to make life a little better.  I didn't care how much you screwed up.  You are my big brother; I'll look up to you no matter what.

You've got to know, Andrew... I listened.  I did everything you told me to do.  I worked hard, and made a life of my own.  You were going to visit.  You said you would.  You said you were going to the Army recruiter, and you were going to keep working out.  When you figured out the timeline, you would fly down here.  I was going to pay even so that you could come.  I wanted you to fly so badly because that's all you ever dreamed of.  We were going to tour the flight museum together.

I was so proud of you.

but
You broke your promise, and have left a hole in my heart.


No parent should ever have to bury their child.

mom and dad are left to bury you.

The Morning you Don't Wake Up

My brother overdosed and died

I say it, and I write it... and it doesn't take away the pain.  It's like a knife that's cut a hole in my chest, and I can't shake the thought of how I didn't even get to say goodbye.

As Brendan said, we knew him as "nannoo" not as "boots" like all his friends called him.  God damn, even after everything, I still looked up to him.  Things were hard, but he always had faith that there would be a better tomorrow.

The pain is raw.  But almost like a dream. Nightmare.  I can't believe this is happening.

I just want to sleep and it all go away.

Where is your god now?

Why are we left wondering why?

Livin' in 'Bama

I'll be honest... I'm homesick.  Kind of like when I first went to Gunnery and the first two weekends are closed, I feel trapped.  I keep myself busy with video games, random chores, and my new kitten, but I keep thinking about my family and how far away they are.  This is what growing up is.  It sucks.  I am so happy, and yet, so sad.  Never before have I felt this alone.  I miss my home.

For the Best by, Gregory and the Hawk

I really wanna find a bar
And mix the fear up with a friend
Plant a joke kiss on your arm
And give you skull tattoos in pen

I wanna know
Do I dance inside your head
As our looks are crossed
Cause all I feel is that I'm caught in it
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/g/gregory_and_the_hawk/for_the_best.html ]
I really wanna go to bed
But the feeling in my chest
I feel lost again
But this time for the best

I wanna know
Do I smooth your checkered past
Does your hope flow
When you call me your last

I really hope you're on at eight
With no commercial breaks
And the sofa sinks
Underneath our doubled weight

If I love you
Like I loved you from afar
If you love me
When your skin isn't so hard

- Gregory and The Hawk