My heart bleeds for you.
For all of you.
For my parents,
my brothers,
my grandparents,
my aunts and uncles,
our close friends.
For you.
For losing you.

Sleepless Night #1

There's a pain in my chest that isn't going away.

It's been raining since Friday.  

Sean's birthday was Saturday.

Today, Sunday, I fly home.

Tornado watches and weather warnings are flooding the news.

As we drove to the airport, the rain fell heavier than we've ever seen.  Lightning flashes blinded us, and there were points when I had simply accepted doom.  

No pressure, but now I really have to outlive my parents.  If something happens now, I fear for the worst.  

I just can't take the sound of my parents crying on the phone.  Trying to reason with themselves as to why something like this could have happened.  He was doing so well. 

I tried to hold it together for Sean's birthday but by the time night rolled around, I couldn't sleep.  When I tried, I was stabbed in the chest with the thought of how he's never coming back.  It feels so selfish to keep writing "I", but I can't speak for anyone else but myself.  

Sitting in this damn airport has only made the pain worse so far.  At this point though,  I'm almost surprised I made it through the night.  Sean kept telling me to relax and try to breathe.  If it weren't for the rest of my family, I would have stopped right when I heard the news. 

We're too young for this.  Too young to fully understand the consequences of our actions, but too old to still be involved in this sort of behavior.  

His friends keep trying to talk to me.  To find out details on the services, but they're the last people I care about right now.  Blood is thicker than water.  

This grieving literally hurts my heart.  

Sean tries to understand but he's still stuck at "You're brother just died."  His dad said at church they would pray.  And everyone else says, "I'm so sorry."  

I am too.  I am so sorry that I never called him back after my phone died.  I'm so sorry that I never said, "I love you." and "Goodbye."  

I'm so sorry that everyone thinks that saying sorry might do something somewhere in my heart and make things better.  

And lastly,

I'm so sorry that those dreams you dreamed, will never be achieved.  

A Walk to Remember

No parent should have to bury their child.

After all the thoughts that have passed through my mind, this one stays in the same place and echoes in a deafening tone.

There are no words that can be said to make the pain go away.  Just memories to look back on, dreams to be remembered, and a gaping hole that no condolences can fill.

Friends will try to say that they understand.  No one understands.  No psychiatrist can rightfully explain why this happened.  No amount of time will make it hurt any less.

There are moments when it seems like a dream, and others when it feels like I've been sprayed in the eyes with a hose non-stop for three days, then left in the sun to burn.

My mind has been wandering back to our long walk down the beach in Florida a few Christmases ago.  How we walked for hours, and it didn't matter because we were just talking, catching up on each other's lives.

But what you said won't go away.

"Don't ever become like me.  Don't drink like me, don't do drugs like me.  Sometimes I'm fine, but these days I can't even sleep without taking something.  I've lost too many friends this way.  There's no way I'd be able to live with myself if you wound up like this"

God damn, Andrew.  We walked for hours.  We were lost on the beach, and then in those neighborhoods, and yet, we kept talking.  We didn't give a shit about what time it was, or where we were.  That was the most we had talked in a while, and you always knew how to make life a little better.  I didn't care how much you screwed up.  You are my big brother; I'll look up to you no matter what.

You've got to know, Andrew... I listened.  I did everything you told me to do.  I worked hard, and made a life of my own.  You were going to visit.  You said you would.  You said you were going to the Army recruiter, and you were going to keep working out.  When you figured out the timeline, you would fly down here.  I was going to pay even so that you could come.  I wanted you to fly so badly because that's all you ever dreamed of.  We were going to tour the flight museum together.

I was so proud of you.

but
You broke your promise, and have left a hole in my heart.


No parent should ever have to bury their child.

mom and dad are left to bury you.

The Morning you Don't Wake Up

My brother overdosed and died

I say it, and I write it... and it doesn't take away the pain.  It's like a knife that's cut a hole in my chest, and I can't shake the thought of how I didn't even get to say goodbye.

As Brendan said, we knew him as "nannoo" not as "boots" like all his friends called him.  God damn, even after everything, I still looked up to him.  Things were hard, but he always had faith that there would be a better tomorrow.

The pain is raw.  But almost like a dream. Nightmare.  I can't believe this is happening.

I just want to sleep and it all go away.

Where is your god now?

Why are we left wondering why?

Livin' in 'Bama

I'll be honest... I'm homesick.  Kind of like when I first went to Gunnery and the first two weekends are closed, I feel trapped.  I keep myself busy with video games, random chores, and my new kitten, but I keep thinking about my family and how far away they are.  This is what growing up is.  It sucks.  I am so happy, and yet, so sad.  Never before have I felt this alone.  I miss my home.

For the Best by, Gregory and the Hawk

I really wanna find a bar
And mix the fear up with a friend
Plant a joke kiss on your arm
And give you skull tattoos in pen

I wanna know
Do I dance inside your head
As our looks are crossed
Cause all I feel is that I'm caught in it
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/g/gregory_and_the_hawk/for_the_best.html ]
I really wanna go to bed
But the feeling in my chest
I feel lost again
But this time for the best

I wanna know
Do I smooth your checkered past
Does your hope flow
When you call me your last

I really hope you're on at eight
With no commercial breaks
And the sofa sinks
Underneath our doubled weight

If I love you
Like I loved you from afar
If you love me
When your skin isn't so hard

- Gregory and The Hawk

A Work in Progress

A Dreamer's Diary

Dream One:

There I am... again. I'm searching for something. Maybe it is someone. I don't know. I'm lost. Wandering yet again. But the heaviness in my heart has finally been lifted.

I can feel the tall blades of green grass scratch at my thighs as I run through this barren field. As I reach my destination.

Home.

Perhaps I have known this all along, perhaps I haven't. But it feels like forever... if I just close my eyes. I know. I know that this is what I need. Here and now. Now... to be here. If only you were here. If only I could open my eyes and share in this moment with you.

If only heaven were quite like this

If only the darkness were not so dark

And the light lifted up your soul like it has mine

I raise my head to the sky,

and breathe in the fresh air.

Home.

It was here all along.

If only I were not so blind

I step forward as my bare feet sink into the soft earth,

new with yesterday's rain.

My hands reach towards the familiar

grasping the rough bark

as it takes hold of me.

The leaves rustle my hair

The roots drag me under.

You knew, and that is why you had to leave me. Is it not?

Tell me you knew why. Just tell me this isn't a dream and that I could open my eyes at any moment and feel this freedom that stands before me. Is it true?

I do not know... but then again, I don't want to.

You told me that all of my tomorrows would be forgotten in the past if I didn't listen to now. I believed you. I believed in you and you have proven yourself to be correct. Yet, here we stand on the field of forgotten dreams wondering how we got this far. You took a chance. And I can breathe.

If only he knew the pain that was once inside me.

Dream Two:

I cannot believe this. Not anymore. The walls have fallen down.

Good Lord, am I truly alone? I haven't felt this pain in so long.

I thought I was beyond this. I thought I could just forget about it and I would be able to move on. He keeps looking at my with tired eyes. He's done with this. As am I. The roof is collapsing in. The smoke has made it difficult to breathe.

Thunder roars.

Lightning flashes.

Here I stand. Alone once again. If only he could have seen how much of my heart I had given to him.

I am broken.

There is nothing left of me to give away.

An empty heart is just as good as no heart at all.

And yet...

I knew it all along.

How can I move on,

when yesterday's pain plagues me still?

My head aches,

My heart yearns

for someone to see the story that haunts me in my dreams.

If only I could wake up.

Dream Three:

The sweet sounds of the symphony rock me into a place I can remember.

I can see, and it is real.

I see the past.

There I am,

running into my father's arms.

He picks me up and holds me tight.

Kisses me on the cheek and says how much he loves me.

I never knew how much that would have meant to me

until now

Have I truly lost everything?

He tosses the baseball

and I catch it perfectly

He's been teaching me how to play catch for the last hour

The smile on his face says everything

Means everything to me

And when I miss the catch, falling down hurt

He picks me up and carries me to the house

He tells me that it will be okay

and that he is sorry

How easy it was to heal those old wounds

If only I could fix what I have broken

If only time could have stood still

or if I knew back then what I know now

Yet time waits for no one

and sometimes you give away what you love the most

to find yourself.

In my heart there is a hole where he once was

As if when I grew older, he moved out

I guess I am not the little girl I used to be

No one said growing up would be easy.

If only he knew how much he still means to me.

Dream Four:

Senior year, and the morning is new. Groggy and disoriented, and there is still so much to get through. New friends, old friends, and people I once knew roam the campus. Laughing, crying, or a weird mixture of the two... somethings just follow us. I need a different muse.

The trees have already started to turn. The fields are fresh cut, and green. Our clothes are the most unwrinkled they will be all year. This is the one moment when you can be whomever you want, to define who you are... and who you will be.

Tomorrow will come too soon. And then we will lose what today we had gained.

I pull on my clothes, as I ready for the coming day. The sun breaks, and the light blinds me through my glass window. It all feels so different, and yet so much the same.

I look around my room. Three days in and it feels just like home. My own sanctuary. Posters and pictures line the wall. My clothes folded neatly and packed gently into my drawers, and my books stacked just right on their shelves.

Who will I be this year? So many different options, and none seem so enticing as finally being myself. The whole world will come to see that this is me. This is who I want to be. Nobody can take that away. This is who I am meant to be.

I'll just close my eyes. And let it all sink in.

Tomorrow never dies.

Dream Five:

The nothingness washes over me like the silence after a car wreck.

Blood drips down my hands, like tiny rivers carved into my wrinkled skin

off my finger tips, to then splatter lifelessly on the ground.

How did I even get here?

-It all makes sense now-

A life flashes effortlessly before my eyes. How I used to be so happy. Those times have changed.

I have grown weary with age and time. I have grown

alone.

If only I could make things right again But this darkness is haunting me

If only I could find a way home But the way has been forgotten

If only I could If only …. perhaps

I could

The sirens scream from every angle.

I pull myself from view,

this metal cave of security will save me

from ever being found

Then, perhaps I could find the way

I can hear their voices calling me back

My eyes flutter

No... I do not know

What is real?

Once, I was a child

held close by my father

the prize of my mother

When did it all change?

It is all too real

The pain

is cutting deeper

than any knife could

How did I end up here? They are calling my name, but I refuse to answer. No one will find me.

Not here. Not this way.

Mangled and bloody. Life free flowing out of me like waves crashing upon a smooth shore.

Effortlessly

No one will find me here.

No one will look here in the darkness

This metal cave

the tall doors pulled shut

The life within me is fading with each second.

Thoughts, memories, regrets

There was so much left to tell you

Why did I throw it all away?

My eyes flutter wildly,

Choking on my own blood,

The pain of this wound is killing me

A spear dug deep into my chest

Cuts and scrapes from hitting the pavement

sting as I lose myself

A light

A voice

Calling my name onward

If I could only reach

his hand

He could be the one

He could save me

I swear that I have looked upon his beautiful face before