I want to say something
but I can't

Looking at my watch,
It is as if I am in a hurry of some sort
but let's be honest

-It's 11:40 at night
I have no where to go

Too young for the bars
Too hung over for anymore alcohol
Too strung out for anymore of whatever the doctor gave me

I can't sleep
but I know you are

You face still
body restless

I miss you every minute of everyday
(even when you're here with me)

It's as if you're already gone
and GOD I know that you're not
but if I accept the inevitable now,
I won't have to deal with it later

It's almost a win-win
But I'm still losing
You.
~
I count the stars in the night sky
hoping that one of them will pop out at me,
exposing some sort of miracle,
a kind of miracle that I need
~
Dear Kirsten,

I've been watching you for a while now and can't help but to feel like you're giving up.  Never have I seen you so sad, so down on yourself.  And I can't help but to ask myself, "What is it that is wrong?"  You have everything and yet you give yourself nothing.

You look at him with a story already written in your head, and you know that's not how it's going to work out.  You want this to be some sort of fairy tale but you know that will never be what you hoped it to be.  I know what you want, and perhaps he does too.  He loves you.  How many times does he have to tell you?

We'll make it through this.

Eyes to the sky,
Toes hardly on the ground,
We'll make it through this.

Sincerely,
me

sleepy talk

He's so critical
    and analytical
that it is so dreadfully hard to not feel his eyes peering through
my soul

I was once a traveler
      I knew nothing of this land
I just knew

I knew that one day I would find the treasure
in the land of untamed wilderness
Where the birds screech loudly with the monkeys
and the forest is a grassy green, unmatchable to anything around these parts
              The water will be a clear blue
It would have been perfect

But his eyes,
they crystallize those dreams
and bring them down to Earth

But his voice
so sweet and rich as if with wine
sings to me as I drift into my eternal sleep

I think of the moments that we have left together
so few
but so many

It feels as though a lifetime could pass and it would never be enough

You have only poured your heart out to me once
but I knew that you meant it

I once believed in fairy tales
and that Peter Pan would sweep me off my feet
but you are something else,
that I can say the least

You are handsome
Intolerable
Loving
Annoying
and the best moment that I will ever remember

Everyone knows that I cannot remember much
but when it comes to you,
I can and will remember everything
anything

I will memorize every love poem and story imaginable and act them all out to you
but I know that none would prove as fitting as ours

He is sleeping
I stare at him through fogged glass
my bare hand on his bare skin
digging deep into his being
inhaling and exhaling all that I can

I am not obsessed
I am
I am-
I am alive

I am human
and I take what I have, and he is all that I want

I want his stubborn attitude and cynical view of the world
His sheepish smile and his warm embrace

A kiss on a quiet evening as I drift into the eternal realm of dreams and dragons
He is my world
My fogged glass

And as the fog grows heavier
My awakened dreams grow obsolete

I'm at a crossroads

-that awkward in between

-that where am I going,

because I sure as Hell don't want to be here

I'm at that no man's land of life

looking around for an exit or an answer

Something to pull me out of this rut

or even just around it

I'm at a red light that just won't turn green

and as much as I want to blow through

and take the repercussions if I'm caught,

it doesn't seem worth it in the end

Maybe I'm just comfortable sitting in this 

awkward in between

this

where do I go from here?

Is it worth stepping forward

if there's a risk of falling back?

I'm at a 

let's run away together and forget about the real world

let's live in a tree house and live as children of the Earth

Fuck society,

Fuck the real world

I want to hide away and live as the innocent child 

kept locked up in the back of my mind

But even if I could manage to escape,

what company would I have?

You would never come with me

to see all that there is out in the life of fantasy

it's just too unrealistic

I'm unattached to reality

I'm at a crossroads

lost in uncertainty

The Long Walk Home

Hand in yours,
I walk quietly.

The sun in my eyes,
Packed dirt below my bare feet,
my throat closes with fear and uncertainty

Thoughts racing through the back of my mind
While the front holds back everything I never told you
And your grip loosens as you notice my fear

I never wanted to feel like this
I never wanted to tell you this

The Earth stands still
You stand still
And it's just me,
again,

As it is supposed to be.

I once told you forever
and I was trying to be as honest as I could
- but now I don't know

The wind is stopped
Light fragments as tangible as the leaf stuck in mid air
As the water molecules remnant in your exhale

I kiss you

Time starts once more
as the Earth begins to move under our feet
Your eyes grow wide
Then relax
and kiss back

My hand pushes you back,
Your arms hold me captive
Eyes promising me a tomorrow
While mine beg for an always

Lips lying about a yesterday
            Without you
I won't
           Forget you

I couldn't         No matter how much I tried

But I expect that you could, me

You close your eyes
and I am gone

A curious thought...
But it has led me to your doorstep;
Camera in one hand
Journal in the other

After snapping a picture of your face
as you opened the door,
I tell you that I now understand
and must show you

The calm breeze gently caressed your skin
lightly tossed your hair
As the sun glittered out from your eyes

You looked at me,
All but surprised
took my hand
and led me inside

We sat in your living room,
the sun peering in through your opened windows
Light filling the whole house
The smell of lilacs and wildflowers flowing in freely

Your hand reached out and touched my face
Steady and strong
you lifted my chin
Beautiful eyes looking back into mine

And in this moment
Our lips will meet

The journal will fall,
pages turning by gravity's will
as thoughts are sifted by
drawings as drawn and then erased by another moment
of another day

As we share this moment,
the final page reads,
"I am nothing without you."

If a god does exist, he sure does hate me this week.

My Last Hope

I'm getting myself together
Folding my thoughts up neatly
Sorting through them
As I decide how to place them in my soul bag

I pull on my dignity
Grab the honesty before I forget it on my cluttered desk
Then head for the door

Taking once last glance back,
Anger glares at me through the slits of the closet's double doors
Depression cries out from the dishwasher

Continuing to glance around,
I almost failed to notice the piggy bank on my side table,
I take up a hammer in my hand and crack it open
Hope flies out in a fury
But I calm her, speaking quietly and gently,
telling her that it's time to leave this haunted home

Tucking her into the pocket of my faded, worn spirit,
She rests peacefully.

I grab my soul bag of thoughts,
sorted neatly,
walk through the door,
and then never looked back.